And we're back on schedule!


Lovino rubbed his eyes and sighed. He didn't know why he kept feeling so exhausted the past month. Nor could he find any culprit for the almost constant nausea and the occasional vomiting that recently began. There was also the occasional cramping. It never really hurt much, just a slight discomfort in his pelvis. He felt so weird and he didn't like it.

"Lovi, do you want to take a nap?" Lovino looked up from his chair next to their father to see Feli patting the bed next to him.

"Thanks, Feli, but I don't know if I'm sick or not and I don't want you to get worse," Lovino muttered. He was so tired. Roma put an arm around him and hugged him close.

"You've been working hard at school. You can nap on me, passerotto," Lovino smiled at the nickname and snuggled into his father. He was asleep as soon as he closed his eyes, comforted by his father's voice talking to Feli and the familiar scent.

Lovino was shaken awake gently to find that Feliciano was sleeping. Roma smiled at him with a tired expression. Lovino yawned and stretched before seating himself upright.

"Lovi, you need to go get your blood tested. Feli isn't really doing well and he needs a blood transfusion. They don't have much of his blood type at the hospital and they've ordered some, but it hasn't showed up yet."

"What's wrong? Of course I'll go," Lovino stood up with a worried expression on his face and tears welling in his eyes. Why am I so emotional lately? Lovino hated how easily things had been getting to him. He needed to stay calm. Roma was already stressed and worried. Feli was scared. They looked to him.

"The chemo has just made him very anemic. The medicine is interfering with the development of the new blood, so it's a lot slower than it should be. It's nothing major. He just needs blood," Roma hugged Lovino. His father's brows knitted in concern. "Are you okay, Lovi? You're not yourself. Don't stress too much about your classes, amore. I couldn't take it if you both were sick. You two are vita mia, il luce miei occhi," Roma kissed his son's cheek.

"I'm sorry, Papa. I'm okay. I've just been tired and nauseous lately. You're right about the stress though. I'll try to take it as easy as possible. I'm going to go find someone to get my blood drawn. I'll be back," Lovino said before kissing his father's cheeks and leaving the room to go let the nurse's station know that he was ready.

He was led to a small procedure room near the lab where they took a drop of his blood for testing. After finding he had the same blood type as his brother, Lovino was slightly relieved, though he'd expected it. He could help out Feliciano.

"I've been nauseous and really tired lately. I think it's just stress, but I know Feli can't really fight much off right now," Lovino fiddled with the end of his shirt, "I've even vomited a few times."

"We'll take a blood sample then and run a few tests before we take your blood, okay?" Lovino agreed and watched as they took a couple vials of blood before he was asked all of his symptoms to narrow down the tests. He went back to Feli's room, sat on the floor and hugged his knees, resting his head on them. He just wanted this feeling to be over. He wanted to be over whatever was causing this overwhelming fatigue and nausea.

"Il mio passerotto, stei bene," Roma rubbed his eldest son's back.

"Si, Papa," Lovino offered a smile to his father. Roma didn't look convinced.

"Lovi, I'm starting to worry about you. You haven't been sick since you were a kid," He placed a hand on his son's forehead.

"No, Papa. I'm okay. It may be a cold or something, but it is probably stress. I have had so many tests and papers. Then work at the hospital and shadowing. Now I'm worried about Feliciano. I just need to do some stress relief," Lovino smiled as he brushed his hair back and looked sleepily at his father.

"You know I have always been so impressed by you, Lovi. When your mother died, I was a mess. You took care of your brother. You were only seven and you took care of him while I sifted through every last cent we had to pay for your mother's funeral and I realized that I didn't have a penny left to my name. I had these two little boys and I had nothing. You had put Feliciano to bed and you came in my room and you comforted me. You were seven and you had lost your mother and you were comforting me. You were telling me that you overheard me on the phone with your zia and that we didn't need money to be happy. You are such a kind and caring boy. It hurts me to see you act so cold to people."

"Papa, I actually have something to tell you. There's a reason I do that," Lovino's heart starting pounding. He was going to do this. He was going to tell his dad everything. There was nobody left to tell that mattered. He prepared for the worst.

"Oh, I know," Roma grinned. "There's a reason for everything you do. You're so logical. There's no need to be scared."

"Papa…Papa, I'm-"

"Mr. Vargas?" The girl from the lab had come into the room with an unreadable expression.

Lovino's cursed mentally. He had been gathering the courage to come out to his father. He finally had the moment and it was lost.

"Yes?" Roma stood up.

"No, I meant your son, Lovino."

Roma glanced at Lovino then back at the woman. "Is everything okay?"

"Nothing to worry about, sir. I just need to speak to Lovino," her voice was firm.

"Well go on, Lovino," Roma said. "We can finish this talk when you get back."

Lovino followed the woman to an exam room. A doctor was in the room with a machine that Lovino had never seen before. He blinked feeling a rising panic. What was going on?

"Lovino, I'm Dr. Erwin. I need to ask you a few questions," his voice was professional and distant.

"Uh…okay," Lovino looked around.

"Please have a seat," he gestured to the exam table. Lovino went slowly over and sat down. "Have you noticed any changes in your testicles? Any pain, swelling or lumps?"

"What? No…why?" Lovino glanced between the doctor and the nurse.

"We have in our charts that you have experienced fatigue and nausea both with and without vomiting for the last two weeks. Have you had any tenderness to your nipples, noticed yourself urinating more than normal, food cravings, any smells that you cause the nausea to come or worsen?" The doctor's face remained blank as he waited for Lovino to answer.

"Um…yeah. I guess I have pee a lot and I've started kind of wanting McDonald's which is weird because I hate that place. Um, cigarette smoke makes it worse…and coffee. But I love coffee. I guess my chest has been a little tender, but I just thought it had to with…" Lovino trailed off not wanting to talk about his sex life.

"Mr. Vargas have you had intercourse with another man? You being the receiving partner?"

Lovino stared wide-eyed. What had they found? "I…I…Yes," his voice was barely above a whisper.

"Lovino, when we tested your blood you tested positive for high levels of hCG. That stands for human chorionic hormone. It is the hormone that is typically released by the placenta during pregnancy. That tells us that you either have testicular cancer and require follow up or you are pregnant. There is a small percentage of men who are born with internal female reproductive organs that are able to become pregnant, however it is not known until a pregnancy occurs. The cervix opens in the anal-rectal cavity for an exit for the child. Unless anal penetration occurs, this is not possible. Men with your condition do not experience month periods with bleeding due to the higher levels of testosterone in the male body. Based on your symptoms, I am leaning more toward pregnancy."

"What?" Lovino whispered as tears filled his eyes. "That…That doesn't…" he shook his head. This wasn't possible. It wasn't happening. Antonio always wore a condom. He couldn't be pregnant. This thing with Antonio was supposed to not interfere with his plans. His future was supposed to be secure and only dependent on himself. He couldn't have a child. It couldn't be true.

"If you'd allow, I'd like to do an ultrasound to confirm."

"I…yeah…I…I…I g-guess," Lovino stammered out as tears filled his eyes and fear overtook his body. How could this be happening? No, they were going to find out that everything was okay. They were wrong. He couldn't get upset now. He was just going to laugh when they finished. He kept telling himself this as jelly was placed on his abdomen and a wand was placed firmly. The sound of blood rushing filled the room, then the sound of his heart beat in the artery, then something else…something…a fast, impossibly fast noise.

"There it is. I'm sure this is a shock to you, but we can assure you that you're going to be just fine. Your options are the same as a woman in this situation. From the looks of things, I'd say about 6-8 weeks, though we can't get a proper dating for another few weeks," the physician looked at Lovino with a look finally of something other than neutrality. This was of compassion.

Lovino could do nothing more than stare at the wand on his stomach. Panic was rising in him. He didn't even hear anything he was being told. He couldn't think. It was as though his limbs were paralyzed. His heart was racing. There was a fire in his chest as his vision turned black. He suddenly began coughing and gasping for hair. He had been holding his breath he realized. He calmed after a few minutes.

When Lovino was allowed to go back to his brother's room, all he could think was to get to his brother who would help him make sense of this. He walked in slowly; it was as if he were trying to run through water. Feliciano was sitting in the bed watching the television.

"Ciao, Lovi! I'm watching this really funny show. I think you would like it," Feli was cheerful as usual.

"Ciao," Lovino glanced around the room. "Where's Papa?"

"He left to get pizza," Feli smiled without looking away from the show he was watching.

"Oh." Lovino took a few gasping breaths before falling against the wall and collapsing in sobs. He needed his dad. He would help him. He could make him feel better.

"Fratello! Lovino, what's wrong?" Feli gasped, frantic. He had never seen his brother like this. "Lovino, I can't get up and hug you, so please come here."

Lovino couldn't have stood up at that point if he had tried. He couldn't do this. How could he tell Antonio? What would he do? He was twenty-six. Why would he ever want to be attached to twenty year old? He was too young for Antonio. He was so stupid. How could he have ever thought this was a good idea? He should have never let him in that night. He should have continued to pretend to hate him.

After a few minutes he calmed down enough to run to Feli and bury his face in his brother's shoulder as he sobbed. He gripped his brother shirt until his sobs were gone and he was left with only tears. "I match your blood."

"Oh, good! That means that I can get out sooner! Wait…why are you crying? Are you scared of needles, Lovino? I didn't know that! You don't have to do it if you are scared. I don't want you to be scared," Feli rambled frantically.

"I can't give you any blood though," Lovino's voice was empty and hollow. He barely recognized it himself.

"Why not?"

"Remember what I told you, Feli?"

"You tell me a lot, Lovi," Feli's voice was nervous, but soothing.

"That I'm gay. And that I had sex. I'm pretty sure I'm in love with a chef who is stable and secure in his life and just has everything together. How he makes me feel like for once the world isn't such a chaotic place. Antonio," Lovino hugged his knees to his chest.

"Si, I remember. He sounds nice."

"He is. He's…he's everything. Feli…Feliciano, I can't give you blood because…" Lovino couldn't bring himself to say the word. He was a man. This wasn't supposed to happen to men.

"Because why? What does that have to…oooh, do you have something?"

"No, god, no. I can't say it," Lovino brushed the tears from his face.

"Can you write it?" Feli suggested.

"I can try." Lovino pulled out his phone and opened up the notepad app and typed the message before sliding it to his little brother.

"YOU'RE PREGNANT? BUT HOW? MY BROTHER IS GOING TO BE A MOMMY?"

"Shut up, Feli!" Lovino snapped ripping the phone from his brother's hand, glaring. "I'm a guy. Of course I'm not going to be mommy. I'm going to be Papa, duh."

"But you have to grow the bambino inside you and push it out and…" Feliciano's eyes got huge. "Wait…how does it come out?"

"The same way it went in, idiota," Lovino didn't even want to think about that.

"That's going to hurt," Feli observed.

"Duh," Lovino rolled his tearful eyes. "I know that. Why don't you learn to shut the fuck up and let me talk to you, Feliciano?"

"Be nice to me! It's not my fault you're pregnant. Control your pregnancy hormones." Feliciano joked.

"Pregnancy…what?" Roma was standing in the doorway with a box of pizza held in his hand as he stared at his two sons. "Lovino…Lovino, please tell me I heard wrong. You didn't...you didn't get that girl pregnant."

"No, Papa. I didn't get anyone pregnant." Roma sighed in relief. "I am," he whispered staring at his shoes, "I'm the one who's pregnant."

"But how is that possible, Lovino? Is this what you were going to tell me?" Roma's voice was firm and unwavering. Both of the boys were nervous. They had never heard Roma speak this way before.

"No, Papa," Lovino whispered

"Then what?" Roma growled tossing the box of pizza on a chair.

"I…I was going to…I…I'm gay," Lovino flinched at the word. Roma stared at him. "And I am sort of seeing someone and we've had sex which is how…some men can do this and—"

"Feliciano, are you hungry?" Roma cut Lovino off. "I got your favorite."

Lovino was confused. Roma hadn't reacted the way he planned. Maybe this would be okay. Lovino let his breath out. The family ate as Feli rambled on. Roma wouldn't look at Lovino. The boy figured that Roma was just shocked.

Lovino had to go back to school, so he bid them both farewell. Roma refused to say a word to him nor did he hug him back, causing Lovino to be hurt. He brushed it off and talked to Feliciano who didn't want him to go. He asked him to tell Antonio and Matt he said hello and that he keep him updated on the baby. Lovino promised he would before leaving.

The drive was long, but he finally made it home. Matt was sitting on the couch when he walked through the front door. Lovino offered a mumbled greeting and ignored the man's questions on how his brother was and what was bothering him. Lovino showered before crawling into bed. He jumped as his phone rang.

"Pronto, Papa!" Lovino was so happy that his father was finally going to talk to him.

"Feliciano's dead and it's your fault."

"W-What?" Lovino whispered, the blood draining from his body.

"I didn't want to say this in front of him ealier because he couldn't afford to be upset. He was so upset when you left that you were doing things that you were didn't understand how his big brother could do this. It was too much for him. His heart gave out."

"What? No...no, Feli...Feli knew. I just...I just saw him. I…"

"You are a disgrace to me and this family. You know, I'm happy that your mother is gone so she doesn't have to see this disgusting being that her son has become. She did not go through that for this. It is an abomination! You are bein punished by the Lord for what you have been doing. The devil crawled into your bed and fucked you and impregnated you with a demon. I can't even begin to tell you how much this makes me sick. You are dead to me. And that unnatural child that you are caring is a product of sin and is just as filthy as you are. You are dead to me. It's less painful than this. You aren't my son. My Lovino, my sweet, precious Lovino would not do this."

The phone came down hard in Lovino's ear. He stared at his phone in disbelief before the slow realization just happened. Feliciano...dead...he couldn't be. No. It wasn't true. Why would Roma lie? He was alone. He didn't have a family. If Roma reacted like that, then there was no way Antonio would ever accept it. Neither would he be allowed at his brother's funeral? The thoughts spun around his head and pulled at him. He couldn't do this alone.

Lovino needed to make his spinning mind shut up. He ran to his bathroom and started rummaging through everything. The blades on his razor weren't large enough to be fatal. None of the pills in his cabinet were toxic. He went to his desk and started throwing things out without finding anything he felt to be lethal enough. I could hang myself. No, that'd take too long. He suddenly found a protractor with a very sharp point. He began to push the tip in the skin of his arm. It would all stop soon.

"Lovino? Lovino, are you okay?" Matt called from the other side of the door.

Go away! Go away! You're ruining everything!

The door opened and Matt looked in horror around the mess of the room. He blinked and stared at the sobbing Lovino next to the dresser, blood running down his arm. Matt walked over to him and knelt down hugging him.

"Are you okay, Lovi?" He grabbed his arm and sighed in relief that it was superficial.

"Leave me alone," Lovino sobbed in a whisper.

"No. You're not in any state to be alone," Matthew rocked back and forth. "I'm going stay up all night to make sure you don't do something you'll regret. Talk to me, Lovino."

"I can't. Oh, god, I can't," Lovino said hysterically as he hyperventilated.

"You'll be okay. Everything will be okay," Matthew reassured him.

No, it won't! Nothing will ever be okay again!


Thank you for reading. Please leave a review.

Translations:

passerotto - little sparrow

vita mia, il luce miei occhi - my life, the light of my eye

Il mio passerotto, stei bene - my little sparrow, are you okay