Note: I do not own the song that will be performed in this chapter.

"So tell me about your classes," Susie stretched in her seat. "what were they like?"

"Well, the classes at Hogwarts are just like classes at normal schools… except, y'know, they have magic." Calvin shrugged.

"I mean what kind of classes did you take? What were they like? Who were your teachers?" Calvin scratched his head, contemplating.

"Well, let's see…" He began counting off on his fingers. "There's Charms taught by Professor Flitwick. He's a tiny little man, ol' Flitwick, pretty easy going, head of Ravenclaw house. Then, there's History of Magic; the only class taught by a ghost. –"

"Really? Cool!" Said a perked up Susie.

"Yeah, but that's about all that was cool about it."

"What do you mean?"

"He means it was an incredibly boring class taught by an incredibly boring teacher." Hobbes answered for Calvin.

"Oh, how boring?"

"Well, let me put it this way; It's so boring that Professor Binns supposedly got up to teach one day and left his body behind!"

Calvin wasn't quite sure how to take Susie's expression, so he just continued.

"We also had Herbology, taught by Professor Sprout; head of Hufflepuff. Then, there was Transfiguration taught by the head of Gryffindor house, Professor McGonagall –"

"Oh, Professor McGonagall. She's the one who told you that you were a wizard, right?"

"That's right."

"And the one who turned into a cat?"

"The same."

"So, you said you wanted to learn to do that. Did you?"

"Ummm,…" Calvin rubbed the back of his neck "yes."

"Can I see?"

Calvin rubbed the back of his neck uncertainly while casting a nervous glance at Hobbes.

"Think I should?" he said to Hobbes.

"You might as well."

"You sure about that?"

"Sure, why not?"

"I dunno, it… might scare her."

"Oh, come one!" Susie butted in. "Show me. I promise I won't freak out!" She gazed at Calvin with a look of hopeful excitement shining in her eyes. Calvin moved his eyes from one side of the room to the other, still looking doubtful and uncertain of the effect this would have on her. Finally, he sighed as he climbed out of his chair with a defeated "Okay."

Calvin planted his feet firmly on the carpeted floor while he stretched his arms out. He then stretched both his legs and returned to standing straight. He then began leaning forward. As he was leaning, Susie began noticing that his skin was turning a dark yellow shade – a color like that of ancient parchment – and it seemed to be getting dryer. She also observed that his face and hands were elongating. Susie gave a yelp of startled shock. She had now known why Calvin was afraid of scaring her, for instead of the small, fluffy cat she was expecting, there was a three foot tall lizard gazing at her.

"Oh… a… dinosaur." She spoke in mock calmness as the reptilian face before her slowly became human again. "Well, that's very,… uh, nice?"

"Sorry I scared you." Calvin chuckled slyly.

"You didn't scare me," Susie lied "I was just… surprised. I mean, You said that McGonagall woman turned into a cat, so I figured that –"

"–That I'd turn into a fluffy little pussy cat too?"

"Well," Susie stuttered "Yeah."

"Not so." Calvin said, matter-of-factly "An Animagus can turn into any kind animal."

"Oh," Susie mused "So then, you can turn into any other animal too?"

"Yes." Calvin nodded his head. "Wait, NO! No, an Animagus can only become one animal. What I'm saying is that one animal can be anything at all."

"So you chose to be a dinosaur because…?"

"I didn't choose anything." Calvin slumped back into his seat. "It just... happened that that was my animal."

"Oh." Susie said "That's... odd."

"Believe me." Calvin said. "Nobody was more surprised than I was. But then, after the initial shock wore away, it didn't seem all that inconceivable. Biologically, there's really no difference between modern animals and dinosaurs… except that the latter is extinct. So, if people could turn into cats and dogs and rats and um, deer, why couldn't one become a dinosaur?"

"Ah" Susie contemplated this. "So what kind of dinosaur is that?"

"A deinonycus."

"Oh?"

"Yeah."

"Cool." Susie mused. "Well, go on." she turned back to Calvin. "What other classes were there?"

"Hmmm…" Calvin rested his chin into his hand in contemplation. "I did… pretty well in Potions, considering the Ogre that was teaching it!" Susie was slightly taken aback at this.

"They had an ogre teaching a class!"

"Wha – NO! Not a literal ogre." Calvin quickly assured her "Actually, I think an ogre might have been an improvement… The mans name was Severus Snape,…" He said with a hint of venom in his voice. "… Head of Slytherin House."

"Oh." Susie sighed as if that explained everything. Which, in a way, it did.


"There will be no foolish wand waving or silly incantations in this class!" The Potions Master stormed into the room, closing the door behind him with a resounding slam on Calvin's first day of class. He marched himself up to the front of his desk an turned to face his new, intimidated, pupils.

"Now, I will tell you all right now that potion making is a difficult subject to comprehend. I expect very few of you – if any – to fully appreciate what there is to be learned here. For instance," His eyes swept the room, scanning the student body menacingly. "can anyone tell me the purpose of a bezore and where to find one?"

Calvin looked around at the class. Not a single hand went up. He couldn't tell if this was because nobody in the class knew the answer, or because they were all too frightened of Snape to answer.

"No one?" Snape curled his lip, indignantly. "Let's try again then, shall we? What would I have if I added a powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?"

Calvin glanced around again. Still, not one hand was raised.

"I see." Snape remarked, darkly. "Then, can someone at least tell me the difference between monkshood and wolfsbane?"

At this, Calvin sat upright. He had remembered reading something like this before. He looked around himself, anxiously. Nobody else raised their hands. He simply couldn't believe that he was the only one who knew the answer (Or perhaps not the only one, but everyone else either didn't know the answer or were too fearful to respond.) Slowly, silently, Calvin found that he was raising his hand. Snape looked at Calvin with his dark, dreadful eyes and Calvin felt his innards quivering. NO! He was not going to show fear! He knew this is what Snape wanted, to inspire dread and nervousness in those he taught. And Calvin was not going to give him that satisfaction. When he spoke, it would be with courage and confidence.

"Well… Mr. Mitchell, isn't it?" Said Snape as he strode up to Calvin's desk.

"Yes." Said Calvin, surprising calmness filling his voice.

"And you can tell us the difference between monkshood and wolfsbane, can you?"

"Yes."

"Then, just what is it?"

"The difference between monkshood and wolfsbane," Calvin went on, conversationally "is the same as the difference between the puma and cougar… Which is to say that there is no difference. Monkshood and wolfsbane are two different names for the same plant, just as puma and cougar are different names for the same cat."

Calvin mustered all of his will power not flinch at the sight of Snape's sneer.

"That is correct." Snape said in a disappointed voice. Relief swarmed over Calvin. "Now, can you tell me what other name it goes by?" Snape moved himself closer to Calvin.

"Well, they have several other names… Mountain lion, Florida panther, Deer tiger, Catamou –"

"The plant, Mitchell, the plant!"

"… Oh." Calvin placed his hands together and smiled sheepishly at the professor. "I don't know."

"… I see." Snape snarled quietly and turned away from Calvin. "Five points from Ravenclaw."

"WHAT!" Calvin practically leaped out of his chair with indignation. "Hey, that's not fair! I –"

But apparently, Snape didn't care if it was fair or not, because he added. "Ten points from Ravenclaw." Calvin was completely blown away by this. Still, he had a feeling that Snape wanted him to put up an argument.

"Ah, well." He tried to convince himself "At least it's only ten points."

"That's ten points in addition to your first five." Snape turned back to him. "That's fifteen points, Mitchell." He added in a smooth, mocking tone, a small smile playing across his lips.

"HEY! I answered that one question! How can you deduct points for –"

"If you continue to make a fuss, Mr. Mitchell, it will be a hundred and fifteen points. Now, I suggest you sit down and pay attention." Snape sneered at Calvin as he turned back to the front of the class.

Calvin slumped back into his chair, propping up his slumped face with his fist on his desk. "Mumble grumble Tyrannical dictator!" He muttered, irately towards Snape's retreating back. Suddenly, something caught his attention that made him sit upright again.

Snape turned to the class and instructed them to open their books begin copying down the text. However, the class did not seem to comprehend what he had said since they all continued gazing at him, uncertainty clearly plastered on all of their faces.

"Um, Sir?" A Hufflepuff girl raised her hand, timidly. "Professor, I don't think any of us speak German."

Snape began asking her what speaking German had to do with anything. But as he was in the process of speaking, he noticed that something about the words he was saying didn't sound quite right.

After a few more attempts at speech, his language still didn't sound like English.

He examined his garments to find that he was no longer in his black robes, but now wore what appeared to be a military coat. Upon looking at his arm, he found a black symbol resembling a twisted cross. With a flip of his wand, he produced a mirror and was rather displeased with what he saw in its reflective surface. His once tattered, greasy hair that came down to his shoulders was now much shorter and parted down the middle. What's more, he now sported a very short, black mustache no longer than the width of his nose.


"Oh my gosh!" Susie burst out laughing. "You turned him into Hitler?"

"Unintentionally." Calvin said as he smiled devilishly.

"Oh my…" Susie wiped the tears from her eyes. "So what did he do about it?" She asked, trying to restrain her laughter.

"Well I'm not in his house, so he had to take me in to professor Flitwick; let him deal with me."

"Okay, so what did Flitwick say when Snape told him about it?"

"What?"

"I said 'What did Flitwi –"

"No, that's what Flitwick said, 'What'?"

"Huh?" Susie looked at him questioningly. "He said 'What'? Why would he say that?"

"Well remember, Snape was still speaking German at this time." Said Hobbes.

"Ah, so you got off Scott free that time, huh?"

"Well, Snape did eventually have to write it down."

"Oh." Susie reclined back to her seat. "What happened then?"

"I got off Scott free."

"Really!"

"Like I said, Flitwick's pretty easy going. He realized I didn't actually mean to do that to Snape…"

"Sweet." Susie smiled at Calvin, quite impressed. "So, you said you actually did pretty well in that class?"

"Actually, yes. First impressions are quite important, you see. After my first encounter with ol' Snape, I was instantly determined to get the best grades possible! Not out of an actual desire for achievement, but so I could rub it in his greasy face!" He made a gesture of moving his hand back and forth in the air as he spoke. Grinning smugly, he leaned back into his seat. "Of course, I was only one of many who sought to cheeze him off."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, he's not real popular. I often heard him muttering something about one 'Potter' in particular."

"Hmmm…" Susie smiled at him. "So, what was your favorite class at Hogwarts?"

"Oh, no question on that one. Care of Magical Creatures taught by professor Rubeus Hagrid."

"Oh,… that's an… odd name."

"Well, he's an odd person." Hobbes said.

"Oh come on! He's not that odd, just… um, well… maybe he is."

"How is he odd?" Susie leaned forward with interest.

"Well for one thing, he's BIG." Calvin threw his hands out to give a general idea of size. "His head would just nearly touch the ceiling of this room."

"… Wow." Was all Susie managed to say.

"Yeah, he kinda has that effect on people… I've never asked him, but I suspect he must have giant blood in him."

"Wow." Susie said again. "So, is he a good teacher?"

"Well I thought so, but I was about the only Ravenclaw who did. Even Luna seemed to think he was less then competent."

"Aw, how come?"

"Well,… let's just say his subject matter wasn't exactly about fluffy household pets."

"What did it include, then?"

"Things like hippogriffs, flobberworms, thestrils, blast ended skrewts and other fun stuff like that."

Susie could tell by Calvin's tone of voice that he was not being sarcastic. She sighed inwardly. Only Calvin, she thought, would think something with a name like 'blast ended skrewts' would be 'fun'.

"But it's like Hagrid himself said," Calvin went on, pulling Susie back to the present. "The trick to any beast is to know how to calm him. Hagrid knew what he was doing. If anyone got hurt in his class, it was because they didn't listen to him."

He sighed deeply. "He was a great guy, really. It's because of him that I'm where I am today."

"How's that?" Susie probed him. "From the letters I got from you periodically, you said you were working in a pet shop."

Calvin shot her a grin that she was all too familiar with. "I can assure you," He said to her "the Magic Menagerie is a pet shop."

"… Ah." Sighed Susie. "So then, what was the worst class you t–"

"Divinations." The boy and tiger said, unanimously.

"You didn't seem to give that much thought." Susie said to them.

"Didn't need to." Calvin said. "It's a total no brainer."

"What is 'divinations', anyway?"

"Oh, palm reading, crystal gazing and other future telling junk like that."

"Hmmm. So, just what was wrong with it?"

"Well," Calvin scratched his head. "I suppose there are some people who have this alleged 'gift', but for the majority, Divinations is a complete waste of time! Hardly anyone has this so called 'gift'. Not even the teacher has it."

"Seriously?" Susie said, wide eyed.

"Yeah." Calvin scoffed. "She may have been a descendent of some great seer, but professor Trelawney herself was an absolute fraud!"


"You see anything?" Calvin drowsily said across the table to Hobbes.

"Nope." Hobbes said, unhappily. "Unless there's a full moon out tonight, I don't think this hunk 'a glass is telling us anything." He tapped his knuckles against the crystal ball Calvin was supposed to be gazing through. Calvin sat up in a huff.

"I'm telling ya man, this ball is bogus! This whole class is bogus!"

"Well," Hobbes leaned back. "At least you can take comfort in the fact that you're not alone. Almost everyone in the class is having difficulty seeing anything."

"Small comfort." Calvin moaned as he sank back onto the table. "Wait," He bolted up again. "everyone in the whole class?"

"Yeah, there's been like only two (or possibly three) people who actually have seen anything. But everyone else is getting really frustrated."

"Re-e-e-e-ally?" Calvin grinned devilishly as he rubbed his hands together. "Then perhaps we should do our part to ease the tensions a bit." And with that, he dashed off to the boys dormitory.

"Uh oh." Hobbes moaned.


It was evening as hoards of Ravenclaws began congregating into the common room after dinner. Amid all the cacophony of evening talking and chatter, a lone voice could be heard above the others.

"Friends, Ravenclaws, schoolmates; Lend me your ears!"

All heads that could hear this turned to an area of the common room that had been made to look like some kind of stage. Tossed all about the stage were brightly colored pillows, potted ferns and Persian carpets. And there, directly at center stage with a blue Ravenclaw bed sheet wrapped around his head in a mock turban, stood Calvin. Standing directly to his left – looking very much like he would rather be somewhere else – was Hobbes, who had another bed sheet wrapped around his head.

"Hi, how's it goin'? Nice to see y'all." Calvin began as more and more students turned their attention to this spectacle. "So then, how many of you are taking Divinations this year?"

The congregation remained motionless. Several heads moved about in a rather confused manner.

"Come on, don't be timid." Calvin said in a coaxing way. "Who all is taking divinations? Put your hand up! That's it…" A few people began raising their hands.

"Good, good,… now how many of you aren't getting any results from your 'readings'?"

A few more hands were raised.

"That's it! Are you getting frustrated?"

There was a murmur of agreement.

"Are you irritated?"

"… yeah?"

"Flustered?"

"Yeah."

"Bamboozled?"

"Yeah!"

"Befuddled?"

"Yeah!"

"Dumbfounded?"

"YEAH!"

"Do you think the whole subject is bogus, hog wash and rubbish?"

"YEAH!"

"Well then,… kick back, relax and let my associate –" He gestured to Hobbes.

"Hello.." Hobbes said, sheepishly while giving a slight wave.

"– and me ease you frustrations with our very special Calvin and Hobbes presentation of Weird Al Yankovic's 'Your Horoscope For Today."

All the lights dimmed. Within a moment, there was the sound of some kind of percussion instrument. As the music began, the area was filled with lights, lights of nearly every color imaginable. Lights that took on the shapes of stars, moons galaxies, and other celestial bodies that began shimmering and swirling through the air all about the room.

Amid all the astronomical frenzy, a large blue shape like two wavy lines – one on top of the other – appeared. At this, Hobbes called out "Aquarius!"

Immediately, Calvin produced a microphone that had a miniature crystal ball instead of a speaker and began to sing.

"There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus. Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack–A–Mole seventeen hours a day."

"Pisces!"

"Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus.

You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say."

"Aries!"

"The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon.

Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep."

"Taurus!"

"You will never find true happiness – what you gonna do, cry about it?

The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep."

"That's your horoscope for today. (That's your horoscope for today.) Yay yay yay yay yay."

"That's your horoscope for today!"

"That's your horoscope for today. (That's your horoscope for today.) Yay yay yay yay yay."

"That's your horoscope for today!

"Gemini!"

"Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence.

Your love life will run into trouble when your fiancé hurls a javelin through your chest."

"Cancer!"

"The position of Jupiter says that you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud!

Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your drivers test."

"Leo!"

"Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face, oh no!

Eat a bucket of tuna flavored – pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quick."

"Virgo!"

"All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent – except for you!

Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick!"

"That's your horoscope for today. (That's your horoscope for today.) Yay yay yay yay yay.

"That's your horoscope for today!"

"That's your horoscope for today. (That's your horoscope for today.) Yay yay yay yay yay

"That's your horoscope for today!"

Calvin now made his way up to the edge of the stage, right to the dancing audience. He bent over to them and – in a softer voice – sang.

"Now, you may find it inconceivable, or at the very least, a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true!

Where was I?"

"Libra!"

"A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented than you!

Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week."

"Scorpio!"

"Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window.

Work a little bit harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak!"

"Sagittarius!"

"All your friends are laughing behind your back… kill them.

Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den.

"Capricorn!"

"The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, but you know they're lying.

If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never, never, never, never, never leave my house again!"

"That's your horoscope for today. (That's your horoscope for today.) Yay yay yay yay yay.

"That's your horoscope for today!"

"That's your horoscope for today. (That's your horoscope for today.) Yay yay yay yay yay.

"That's your horoscope for today!"

"That's your horoscope for today. (That's your horoscope for today.) Yay yay yay yay yay

"That's your horoscope for today!

As a finale, Calvin alone sang

"That's your horoscope for today… Yay yay yay yay yay.

"That's your horoscope for today!"

There was a great uproar of applause. Calvin and Hobbes bowed graciously before the adoring masses

"Thank you, thank you, what a beautiful audience! You're too kind. We're here 'till Thursday! (Try the mutton.)"