The Twelve Days of Disaster
Disclaimer: I don't own FMA and I'm proud. (No I'm not, it kills me every day.)
The Eighth Day
Characters: Roy Mustang, Edward Elric
Summary: The Flame Alchemist and The Fullmetal Alchemist join together to help Maes Hughes … bake?
Maes had to stop and congratulate himself. So far, everything was going smoothly. There were three more days left until the big Christmas dinner, not to mention Christmas Eve itself. The house was decorated for the occasion, all the presents have been purchased and wrapped, and everyone was in a jolly good mood.
Not.
Maes had to stop and scold himself. So far, everything was a disaster. There was only three more days left until the big Christmas dinner, not to mention Christmas Eve itself and he was not ready. The house was mess, there were still presents that were waiting to be wrapped and everybody seemed to hate each other.
The photographer was supposed to arrive today but he had postponed the date until the day before Christmas Eve, which Hughes had not been too happy about. Not only that, but the bakery in which they had bought their pastries and desserts from every year had a small fire and was closed down for the time being.
Wonderful.
So in order to meet with the criteria of surplus, Hughes had to make a very difficult decision that he knew that he would regret almost immediately. But he was desperate. Gracia had gone out; gone to take Elicia to her parents' house for the day, and Hughes had no one else to turn to.
Really, it's true. If there were anyone else, he would have asked for their help. Really. But nobody else was available. Nobody but two other people. But Maes was desperate to get this done. He really was! He would do anything to make this Christmas perfect.
So he picked up the phone and called. Then he waited.
The first person to come was Ed. He was still grumpy over the little argument he and Alphonse had yesterday and even more grumpy for the fact that he had to work with that bastard. But he pitied Hughes for his little dilemma so he mustered up the strength to come and swallowed his pride and agreed.
He would help Hughes bake with him.
Not long after Ed had arrived, the bell rung. Maes answered it and vigorously thanked the man for doing this for him.
"Save it," Roy Mustang said, shedding his coat and hanging it on the rack as he walked in. "I'm only doing this because you practically begged me to come. And because I want some cake."
But when he walked into the kitchen and found Ed sitting there on the table with a disgusted look on his face, Mustang turned around and made his way to the door. Hughes ran to stop him, "Come on, Roy! You promised to help me!"
"Yes, but you didn't mention that he would be here," Mustang said, shooting Ed a glare. Ed stuck his tongue at the man immaturely.
"Come on! I'm sure you guys can put up with each other for just a few hours. Please? For me?" Maes asked.
Mustang seriously considered saying no and just walking out the door. But he eventually did give in to Hughes' pleading and sighed dejectedly. "Fine."
Maes beamed at that. He patted Roy on the back and walked back into the kitchen, Mustang following him disappointedly. He pulled up a chair opposite of Ed and greeted bitterly, "Fullmetal."
"Bastard," Ed greeted back somberly. When Hughes had called him earlier, asking (pleading) for his help, Ed was a little skeptical. But his suspicion was answered when he agreed and then before hanging up, Hughes said quickly, "Oh, and Mustang's coming! Thanks, bye!"
Ed was appalled when he heard that. Mustang? Hughes expected him to bake with that bastard? Is he serious? He had planned to not come at all and just sleep in, but then … Al. His brother had nagged at him that he must go; that he had already agreed. So, in order to satisfy Al (to get away from Al), Ed had gone.
He really wished he hadn't, though.
Just being near Mustang pissed him off.
"So," Ed said idly while Hughes rummaged the cabinets for supplies. "I heard Hawkeye got Breda."
"Perhaps," Mustang said, a little disappointed at how fast the word had spread.
"Bummer," Ed said with feign sadness. "So what, now its two against one?"
"Maybe."
"And you're all by yourself, huh? Poor you."
Mustang smirked, "I hope you're not implying that you could defeat me. How do you expect to win when you can't even raise the snowball high enough to reach me?"
"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SHORT?" Ed burst.
Roy leered, "With a temper like that, you'll never be able to win."
"Oh? And you think you'll be the winner? That's rich," Ed scoffed, cockily sitting back in seat with a sly smile, "You keep forgetting that I have Hawkeye. There's no way I could lose with her on my side."
Mustang wrinkled his nose, "…Hawkeye would never try to go against me."
"Please! She's the only person that got you! You're nothing without her!" Ed grinned. "Just accept defeat, Colonel. Save yourself from the pain and just give up, that way I could give you your much deserved slap."
"If anyone's getting slapped, it's you, shrimp." Mustang sneered.
"Useless." Ed shot back.
"Here we are!" Hughes said suddenly, placing cups, spoons, bowls, two wire whisks, about five boxes of cake mix, jars of frosting, measuring cups and whole bunch of other supplies that Ed didn't bother to identify on the table.
"How many cakes do you expect us to make?" Mustang asked incredibly.
"Not just cake," Hughes said eagerly. "But brownies, cupcakes, and cookies."
"Do we look like bakers to you?" Ed asked. "We're alchemists, not chefs!"
"But I thought alchemy was born from the kitchen," Hughes said.
"Yes, well, it's not meant to be taken literally," Mustang muttered, reading the back of one of the cake mix boxes. "But this doesn't seem too difficult, and I'm sure Fullmetal's tiny brain can comprehend some of these simple steps."
Ed's face went bright red and he fumed, "TINY? WHO ARE YOU –"
But Hughes cut him off quickly by slapping his hand over the boy's mouth and shot a glare at Mustang, "Can you at least pretend to be mature?" Roy shrugged wordlessly.
When Ed stopped thrashing from under his grip, Maes let him go and sighed, "Let's try to do this without any fights, please?"
Ed huffed, "Tell that to him."
Mustang ignored him and said, "Just tell us what we should do so I can get this over with and go home."
With permission to begin, and gaining their full attention, Hughes explained. There were five desserts that needed to be made: Two cakes, one chocolate and one vanilla, a batch of brownies, two dozen sugar cookies and two dozen cupcakes.
Mustang had agreed to make the brownies and the cakes, while Edward was in charge of the cookies and cupcakes. All the instructions were in the back of the boxes, so Hughes presumed that they would have no problems.
So he left the room without any worry. He had other things to take care of and Roy and Ed could handle themselves. He promised to check up on them when they were done.
The first thing Mustang did when Hughes left the room was hold the whisk up and ask, "What is this."
"A whisk…" Ed answered slowly.
Roy poked at the … device. "What does it do?"
"Really?"
"What?"
Ed looked at him disbelievingly, "You've never seen a whisk before?"
"Should I have?"
Ed shook his head, "Yes! A whisk is used to mix things!"
Mustang looked at the thing again, "…Really? This thing?"
"You can't be serious…" Ed mumbled, shaking his head. "Just – give it to me. Let me show you … freakin' caveman."
Mustang gave Ed the whisk and watched him with pure fascination as he poured water, oil, and cake mix into a bowl and began to mix all the ingredients together with the whisk-thing.
Ed was a little scared at how amazed Mustang was.
When all the ingredients made a smooth, mushy liquid, he handed the bowl back to Mustang, who asked, "Now what?"
"Read the instructions," Ed said impatiently, starting his own batter.
Roy looked at the box and read the step out loud, "Add eggs?"
"Yup."
"That's it?"
"Yes, then just put it in the oven, jeez."
Mustang was a little unsure of the steps but followed them anyways. So he dropped the two eggs in the mix and put the bowl in the oven. "Done," he said with a smirk, as if it were a competition and he was the new champion.
"Whatever," Ed grumbled. "Now do the other cake."
Mustang did so, while Ed continued to prepare the mix for the cupcakes. Ed read the instructions on the back of the box once and had memorized instantly. Oil, water, mix, eggs, mix it all together: done. Next was putting the batter in each individual festive cupcake foil liners.
This part was always annoying. Each liner had to have a specific amount of batter in it so that the cupcakes wouldn't be too big or too small. He grabbed one of the spoons and, with careful precision, scooped the liquid and let it fall in the liner. Careful. Careful. Ever so careful…
All the while thinking, 'What the hell am I doing…?'
"Done!" Mustang suddenly piped, holding another bowl with chocolate batter in it with great pride.
Ed didn't look up, "Great. Good for you. Now put it in the oven, oh great baker Mustang."
Roy ignored the brat's sarcasm and placed the bowl besides the previous one in the oven, while Ed watched him from the corner of his eye but then he stopped and looked at the Colonel suspiciously. "Wait…did you put the bowl in the oven?"
"Obviously," Mustang muttered.
"You idiot!" Ed cried, running to the oven.
"What?" Mustang asked confused.
Ed pulled the stove's door open and accidently touched the first bowl with his flesh hand. "Ow! – Crap!" He cried, pulling his hand back and peeling off the wax that used to be the plastic from the bowl. Ed shook his flesh hand and used his automail hand instead to pull the bowl out and set it on the table, and then did the same for the other bowl.
He groaned when the melted plastic stuck on his automail. 'Winry's gonna bury me alive for this…'
"What happened? What's wrong?" Mustang asked as he hovered over a disgruntled Ed.
"What's wrong? What's wrong? You put plastic in the oven, you idiot!"
"So? That's what you told me to do!"
"You were supposed to put the mix in a steel pan!"
"How was I supposed to know?"
"Because every intellectual human being knows it! It's common sense!" Ed shouted at the man. He grabbed one of the pans and shoved it in the Colonel's face, "See! A pan! P-A-N!"
He took it from the boy swiftly and muttered, "Yes, I know what a pan is…"
"I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't," Ed grumbled and watched as Mustang poured the batter from the first bowl into the pan. He was met with a surprise when two small balls poured along with the liquid fell with a flop! Flop!
Ed was silent before he said quietly, "What is that?"
"The eggs," Mustang answered easily.
Ed closed his eyes and took in a long breathe before he looked at the Colonel and asked quietly, "You put the eggs … in the mix … just like that?"
Mustang nodded and Edward held his head as he shouted, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?"
Mustang was taken back slightly, "What? What's wrong!"
"You CANNOT POSSIBLY be THIS stupid!"
"Hey, don't insult my intelligence!" Roy cried irritably.
"WHAT INTELLIGENCE!" The boy shouted. "From what I see, YOU HAVE NO INTELLIGENCE WHATSOEVER!"
The man picked up the eggs and inspected them, "I don't see what I did that's got you so upset. I put the eggs in the bowl, just like you said."
Ed made an undefinable noised and swiped the egg away from the Colonel's grasp. He cracked the egg on the side of the table and let the yolk slip into the bowl, "This – THIS – is what I meant! This is what you're supposed to do!"
Mustang wrinkled his nose, "Then why didn't you just tell me from the start?"
He stared at the man in disbelief and pulled on his own hair, while muttering to the ceiling, "I can't. I can't even…"
Roy looked at the whole eggs and tried to mimic Ed by attempting to crack it open. He grabbed the egg and slammed it on the table, squishing the thing whole and allowing the yolk to go flying all over the place. He stared at the destroyed egg in puzzlement, not fully understanding why it didn't work.
"Just…" Ed sighed. "Just … give me the damn eggs." He did so and watched as Ed successfully cracked them open without any problems, all the while mumbling, "Me – teaching the Colonel how to open an egg – how? How could something like this happen to me?"
The rest of the baking went by smoothly without any incidents. Ed had managed to cut the cookie dough with the cookie cutter and Mustang had fully baked two cakes and was in the process of putting the brownies' pan into the stove.
Once the brownies were baked, all that would be left were the cookies and cupcakes and then Ed would be finished and he would finally be able to go home and pretend none of this ever happened.
An awkward silence lapped. There was nothing to say so they just sat on the table quietly and waited for the dessert to bake. Ed drummed his fingers while Roy silently dozed off on his chair. He actually began to snore at one point, which really aggravated Edward because his snores were annoying as hell. They sounded like elephants farting, Ed thought gingerly.
Ed kicked at his chair, "Wake up, bastard."
He jolted awake, much to Ed's surprise, and slurred, "Huh? Wha – are we done? Can I go home?"
Ed snorted, "No. You were snoring like a pig."
"Fullmetal, I don't snore."
He narrowed his eyes, "Of course you don't, because that noise coming from your mouth while you slept was anything but a snore."
Mustang's own eyes narrowed as well, "Are you trying to be sarcastic or …?"
Ed rolled his eyes, "Never mind, you're too stupid to even understand anything anyways."
The Colonel frowned, "I'm going to go out and get some air. While I'm out, work on that attitude of yours, you pesky little brat…"
Ed's nostrils flared but Mustang was already out the door before Ed exploded. Once the door closed behind him, Roy shivered. Damn, it's still cold as hell. It had stopped snowing yesterday night, but the snow was still on the ground, but not as deep as previously, which was a good thing.
Mustang always did hate the snow.
Snow. Snow. Mustang smiled suddenly. Snow!
He bent down and picked up as much of the frozen liquid his hand was able to grab and he snickered quietly, I'll show that brat who's stupid.
When Ed heard the sound of the front door opening then closing, then the sound of footsteps approaching, he didn't bother looking up. He knew it was Mustang, and he didn't feel like wasting his energy to look up and see that jerk's face.
But he did look up when the footsteps stopped right behind him and, his curiosity getting the better of him, he turned around to look at why Mustang was standing behind him.
His eyes widened considerably when he saw what was in the man's hand and he quickly and ungracefully scrambled to the other side of the room.
Mustang chuckled, "What's wrong, Fullmetal? Is something the matter?"
Ed pointed at him with a shaky finger. "W-What are you doing with that thing?" He asked nervously, gesturing at the snowball in the man's hand.
"Oh, this?" Mustang sang. "I was just standing outside, minding my own business, when I realized that we never got to settle that war from before." He caressed the ball of snow with his other hand.
Ed swallowed, "What are you planning to do with that?"
Mustang smirked viciously, "What do you think I'm going to do?"
"Now, Colonel … think this over!" Ed cried hastily, backing away.
"Oh, I have thought this over," Roy laughed. "I thought, 'hey, I throw this in your face, then get the Lieutenant and then I would win and then I would rent out a whole stadium and invite people to come and watch as I slap you.' Good idea, huh?"
Ed backed away deeper into the wall, "I swear, if you throw that thing at me I will transmute your face and ass together!"
"Totally worth it," Mustang said, creeping closer.
"I-I'm not kidding, Colonel!" Ed cried, moving away.
"Neither am I," Roy smiled. "Oh, I'm going to enjoy this so much!"
He pulled his arm back and into the position of throwing, and just when he was about to release the snowball, Ed grabbed one of the uncooked cupcakes and threw it at Mustang's face. Caught by the surprise of batter in his face, he dropped the snowball onto the ground and wiped his face viciously.
"You brat!" Mustang yelled when Ed began to howl with laughter. When he got the smooth liquid off his face, he glared at the boy.
Mustang dipped his hand into the remainder mix and grabbed the semi-liquid. He marched right to Ed and pushed his wet hand into the boy's face, wiping the pre-cake all over the boy.
"Ack!" Ed spat, feverously wiping the vanilla flavored mush off his face. "What the hell, Colonel! I hate vanilla!"
Mustang laughed, "Ha! In your face, you little monster! That's what you get!"
"Little! I'll show you little!" Ed reached over to the eggs and smashed them on the Colonel's head, the yellow yolk sliding down his face. "Whoops. Sorry, I hope I didn't scramble your brain, there."
Mustang smiled despite his appearance and reached for the flour, "Nonsense," he said, then dumped the white powder on the boy's head. He snorted at the boy's now white appearance, "I think this new look of yours really takes the cake."
Ed coughed as a white cloud escaped his mouth, "You think you're funny?"
"I think I'm hilarious." Mustang responded.
Ed went to grab the cup of oil while Mustang reached for the whip cream can. At the same time, Ed threw the oil while Mustang sprayed the can of cream. But they didn't stop there to appreciate their new looks and quickly, they grabbed the closest object and threw it at one another.
This lasted until there was nothing left to throw. Ed was covered head to toe with whip cream, cake mix, water, sugar, salt while Mustang was dripping oil, water, yolk, pepper, and chocolate frosting.
Then, Ed ran to the fridge. He pulled its door open and grabbed the first thing he could find – grapes – and began to throw them at Mustang.
Roy jumped when each small grape hit him, "Ow – OW!—stop!" When Ed didn't though, he made his way to the fridge also and grabbed the container of milk and dumbed its contents on the boy's head.
Ed stared at the milk that dripped from his bangs in horror, "Ew! YUCK! Milk! You MONSTER!"
"Serves you right, pipsqueak!"
"WHAT!" Ed cried. He reached into the fridge and pulled out a tomato and smashed it in the Colonel's face. Ignoring the red on his face, Mustang grabbed a container of orange juice while Ed hurriedly grabbed the yogurt. When they were about to pour the fillings onto the other, a voice boomed from behind them:
"WHAT HAVE YOU TWO DONE!"
Ed and Roy both jumped and turned around, dropping the juice and yogurt on the floor as they did. Ed began to whistle and turned his head around and Mustang sheepishly smiled at Maes Hughes, "Hey … what's up …?"
Hughes' mouth was wide open as he stared at his destroyed kitchen. There were all kinds of foods smothered on the ground, and smoke coming out of the oven, and turned over bowls and cupcake fillers. Hughes gaped at his guests in horror, "What – what did you do!"
"It was his fault!" Both Ed and Roy shouted quickly, pointing at the other. They glared at each other and began to shout at Maes at the same time, trying to explain what happened.
"HE GOT A SNOWBALL –"
"—CALLED ME STUPID—"
"—CANT CRACK AN EGG!—"
"FRIDGE! SEE, LOOK!—"
"—MILK ON MY HEAD!—"
"—CALLED ME STUPID!—"
"CALLED ME SHORT! I –"
"YOU ARE SHORT!"
"WELL, YOU'RE AN IDIOT!"
"WHAT! HOW DARE YOU MOCK ME!"
"YOU CAN'T EVEN CRACK AN EGG!"
"YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE OVER THE TABLE!"
"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT –"
Hughes watched as the two alchemists shouted at one another over whose fault it was, completely ignoring his presence. He made his way out of the kitchen and flopped himself on the sofa lazily, disregarding the bickering pair.
Really, it was his fault to begin with.
He should have known this would never have worked out. But he was desperate.
Hughes sighed when the smoke alarm started to wildly shriek.
He was really looking forward to the brownies, too. Oh well. Maybe next year.
((UNEDITED))
((I'm so sick today that its disgusting to even think about how sick I am. No school for me so I had mucho time to write this one. After chapter nine, all characters will be included in the remaining ones. Hope you guys enjoyed them so far!))
((CONGRATS TO JAZZYMON FOR BEING THE 40TH REVIEWER! WHOHOO! You get an apple pie and a milkshake for reviewing every chapter! You are awesome, child!))
NEXT CHAPTER: Characters: Riza Hawkeye, Vato Falman, Jean Havoc, Roy Mustang, Edward Elric, Heymans Breda, Kain Fuery (Special Guest: Alex Armstrong!)
