author's note: thank you for your reviews! there is a little bit of violence in this chapter, just a heads up!
disclaimer: things i own: not this.
Wonderwall
Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do, about you now
It seemed to Lily that nothing ever changed in the house. They existed almost in a bubble, where nothing got in and nothing got out. They knew of things that were happening in the world, of course, because the radio played constantly, and Celia and Peter watched Blue Peter every evening, but it was like none of those things were actually happening. They were in another world, to people who ate frequently, and didn't have damp in the corner of the kitchen ceiling.
In the third week of October, she was, for the first time, alone in the house. The Marauders had gone to work, and Dorcas had a meeting with the editor of Sounds. Marlene had gone with the band to listen to the final mix of their demo, and Celia and Alex had gone on a job hunt. Bronwyn and Caradoc had returned to Cardiff for a week, and all was quiet.
A day all to herself, she thought. Blimey.
Still in her pjamas at half past twelve, she sat watching the news with a bowl of cereals (without milk, because they couldn't afford it) and a ten pack of cigarettes. The things on the telly seemed so distant; she could not concentrate on droughts, or taxes, or Education Ministers, because it was very far away from where she was. She thought about her mum, and what Petunia was doing, and how Mary was getting on at college. She wondered if she could still get a decent job, after she'd got all this out of her system (because she wasn't going to live here forever, one day the empty feeling in her chest would fade) without having gone to college. She thought she would. She had decent O Levels, didn't she? And she was a hard worker, she got on well with people, she was-
The front door clicked, and she froze, spoon mid-way to her mouth, cigarette smoldering in the ashtray. Who was it? Was it Dumbledore? It could be, it could be Dumbledore checking up on her, checking up on the revolution (a revolution that was being put off in favour of doing speed at three o'clock in the morning, and watching Blue Peter in your pjamas), she was sure it was Dumbledore. The person in the hall cleared their throat, and she realized it was not Dumbledore.
"Hullo?" called the person in the hall, "anyone in?"
She remained silent. She didn't want to talk to him. They hadn't said more than three words to each other since he'd sent her mum away, and if she was being honest, she didn't know what to say to him. She didn't want to apologize for what she'd said, because she wasn't sorry, she meant every word of it. It was his fault.
"I know there's someone here!" he called again, shuffling around in the hall, "I can see the telly!"
She said nothing, and continued eating her cereals.
And then, he was in the doorway, and there was nowhere for her to hide.
"Subs," he said quietly, "it's you."
"'lo, James." she replied. Oh, she had so wanted to be his friend. And maybe she was, maybe she had been. But not anymore.
"They sent me back," he mumbled, "to get a, urm, to get some of Sirius' records, they're, um…" and he gestured to the mountain of LPs by the TV, and she shrugged.
"Go ahead." She paused. She might not be sorry, but she did still want to be his mate
Being friends with James seemed to make people the best they could possibly be. He was brilliant, but he wanted- no, he knew, that you could be brilliant too, and so they were. He believed in them, and as a result they believed in themselves. She'd seen it in Peter's smile, in Remus' jokes and Dorcas' cackle. And she wanted to be a part of that.
"James," she said, as he made his way to the records, "what is it that you do all day?"
He laughed. "I work at Sturgis Podmore's record company," he replied, running a hand through his hair, "and I've worked there since I've lived here. I used to be a tea boy, but now-" he knelt by the box, blocking her view of the telly. She didn't mind too much; the news was so miserable- "I basically spend all day listening to demo tapes and the like, and telling Sturgis which ones I think they should sign. It's a laugh- me and Padfoot do it, and Remus knocks about with Peter in the production bit. They're both into all that, the proper science-y bit of record making, and it's nice, y'know, spending all day with your mates. And," he said triumphantly, "we get paid for it."
"If you weren't doing that," Lily asked, shuffling on the sofa, "what would you be doing?"
He bit his lip, like he wasn't sure how to answer. "I'm- I don't- Thing is, right, Lily, is that we- the boys and me- it's complicated, why we're here. Why we've been here for years."
Lily looked at him, really and properly looked at him. He was sixteen. He looked it, too, she thought, his face pale and slightly spotty, his body thin and scrawny. His hair was a mess, and his glasses were dusty, and slightly uneven. He was a child, and so was she.
"I'm listening," was all she said.
"They're expecting me back at the-"
"They won't mind," she continued, clearing a space next to her on the sofa, "not if you explain to them."
"I thought you hated me?" he asked, voice small and hand in hair.
"Nah," she said, "I don't." Because she didn't.
And so he sat beside her, records resting on his knees.
"Pete and me went to primary school together," he began, "in Wiltshire. Godric's Hollow, that's where we grew up. Sirius is London born and bred, Islington way. And Remus is…Remus was born in Wales, near Swansea, I think. So Pete and me- Pete and I, we were mates from the start. He was this little chubby thing, and our school was tiny, and we just got sort of thrown together. His heart is in the right place, and he makes me laugh, so I kept him around. And, well- y'see, thing is, that my family pretty much owned the whole village. There's no nice way of saying it, my parents are filthy rich." He paused, and glanced at her. Lily nodded slowly, to show him it was alright, that she was still listening.
"And they wanted this life for me that I… I mean, I love them. They're old, and I've not- I don't speak to them, because of what I'm about to tell you about, but I love, and loved them. But we wanted different things. Like you, I suppose. So they've got this life plan, which involves, basically, me getting married at twenty, becoming a lawyer, eventually taking over the estate. And all- and this is going to sound stupid and selfish- but all I wanted to do aged fourteen was play football."
He looked at her again, and she smiled in what she hoped was a comforting way. She got it, she understood it. He had the drowning feeling too.
"And I was good, I really was, I could've gone far. But they wouldn't let me, they wouldn't let me go to trials or anything like that. So, my fifteenth birthday comes along, and I'm at this school learning about things I don't care about, and my parents are talking about universities and which local girl I'm going to marry, and the only thing I've got is Pete. I mean, I was popular, but he was the only one who liked me for me, y'know? So we get this plan together- we're going to go to London, and I'm going to try out for the teams- which ones I don't care about, all I want to do is play football, and Pete's got a lot of problems with his mum, ones that it's not my place to talk about, and he wanted out, and so did I, so we did. September two years ago, we hitched a lift with Steve Spencer's brother into Swindon, and we got a train and we ended up in North London. Which is where Sirius comes in."
"I see…" Lily replied quietly. She wanted to take his hand (she could feel how hard it was for him, talking about all this. She wondered whether he'd ever spoken of it before.) but it didn't seem appropriate.
"He was…he was a mess. Fifteen years old, and going out every night and getting smashed, doing all sorts of drugs, sleeping with all sorts of people. We met in a pub, and he got into a fight, and ended up sleeping on the floor of our squat because he couldn't face going home. We were, at that point, living alone, just the two of us. He'd been kicked out of school because he'd been caught with the headmaster's daughter in a- ahem- compromising position, and he hated his parents. They're proper old money, richer than mine, and they were grooming him to take over all the businesses and I think he cracked. He left them a few weeks after we met, just announced that he was living with us full time. I thought, and still think, that he's brilliant. Sometimes he can be a bit of a dick, but can't we all? But he's loyal, through and through, and he's funny as fuck, and sometimes I think that in a former life we were brothers. He knows me. And I'd go as far to say that he saved us, because we didn't know what we were doing. I wasn't getting anywhere with the clubs, and we were squatting in this hell hole of a flat…and he just came in and told us what to do, and he saved us. So there we were, three fifteen year olds with no parents, very little money, and no clue what to do next. And…then I got injured."
His voice cracked slightly, and Lily knew then that it was alright to hold his hand. So she did. He didn't protest, but squeezed it tightly, and they rested their joined hands in the space between them.
"I got into a brawl in a nightclub…" he explained, "Sirius knew the doorman, that's how we got in, and some tosser started on Peter, and I…" he cleared his throat, "I got thrown over the bar, smashed into all the bottles, and I did my knee in. And in the hospital, that's where we met Remus. He's…well he was in the hospital, let's just say that, and whilst I was recovering, I got to know him, and I liked him- he's funny, and kind, and I admire that in people- and he wanted to get out of the hospital, just like we wanted to get out of Wiltshire, out of our parents' house."
She did not ask what was wrong with Remus, but she thought that it had something to do with the sadness in his eyes.
"We knew he wasn't dying, not at that- basically, when he left the hospital he came with us, back to the Islington squat, and the doctors had told me that I could never play football again. At least not at a professional level."
"Oh, James," she sighed. She understood, now, why he would not want to see his mother. He wouldn't want her to know that he had failed.
"It's alright, it was two years ago. I'm over it. So. We didn't want to stay where we were, and we heard that things were happening in Camden, and Hestia knew Sirius of old, so we went there. And that's where we got our nicknames."
"I don't under-"
"Sybill- Sybs- she says she can read peoples spirit animals. A load of hippy bullshit, but we thought it was a laugh. And so we got them, our spirit animals, and that's what our nicknames are."
"I see," she replied with a smile. He smiled back, and continued. Their palms were growing sweaty, but they didn't let go.
"Hestia and Gideon moved here, and we moved with them. Sirius and Marlene, they went way back- she's been in these circles since she was a kid, but that's her story to tell- so we came here. And we've been here ever since."
She sat back for a moment, taking in all that he had said. Their hands were still clasped tightly, and without realizing it she began to stroke his knuckles with her thumb, going back and forth soothingly.
"And there was me," she said softly, "thinking you had an epiphany fifteen months ago, and decided to live the good life, like the sitcom. That you'd given up whatever you had for political reasons, or something. It never- I never thought, and I'm sorry, but I never thought that hadn't chosen this, you know? It's just…" she trailed off, because she could not think of the words to describe what she meant.
"Nah," he said, squeezing her hand, "nah, I get it."
They fell into silence, and the news droned on and on, and for a moment Lily completely forgot she was supposed to be angry with him, that her mother had slipped through her fingers like water because of him. She could only pity him, a little bit, because he'd followed his heart and got it broken. And she had too, she supposed. He was right; they were the same. Neither of them had wanted broken cupboards and dry cereals; she had been chasing adventure, the thrashing guitars of a teenage punk band, and all he had wanted to kick a ball around a field and bring joy to thousands of devoted fans, and they hadn't got that. All they'd got was the same boat. And it had been difficult to inhabit at first, but now they knew why they were there, and now, Lily thought, they might be able to start rowing.
She walked him back to the recording studio, hands in the pocket of Marlene's denim jacket, and they talked about nothing and everything. It seemed different now, the air that surrounded them, but they didn't mind.
"Why's Peter so obsessed with Blue Peter?" Lily wanted to know, and James laughed.
"Probably because they share a name," he told her, "he doesn't give much thought to what he likes and dislikes, he just…you know, he just likes stuff. Same as me, I suppose. But not Sirius, oh no, if you ask Sirius why he likes something he'll give you a bloody lecture, and by the end of it you'll like it too. He's got that way about him, I think. He's one of life's convincers."
"That's not a word," she chuckled, and he gasped with mock horror.
"I'm offended that you think I make words up, Miss Evans, and I'll have you know that I got perfect marks in English for four years straight thank you very much."
"Bet you got perfect marks in everything," she teased, linking arms with him.
"I did, yeah." he replied carelessly.
"Modest, aren't you?"
"Humble, too." was all he said, and she laughed louder.
They stopped outside a grey building with rusting gold letters above the door; Podmore Records is what it read.
"This is me." James mumbled, suddenly nervous.
"That it is," she said briskly, "I'll see you at six, then?"
"What? Oh- yeah, yeah you will, yeah. See you at six. What're you doing for, y'know, dinner?"
"Hoping it exists." she sighed, shrugging her shoulders. He nodded slowly.
"Same."
"Well," Lily laughed, "I'm looking forward to hoping dinner exists together. If…urm…if that's-?"
"Yeah, hoping dinner exists together, yeah." he laughed a little louder than necessary, and she smiled up at him, for he was taller than she.
"Brilliant. See you then, um, then?"
"Yeah."
She giggled nervously, because she wasn't used to this, this new type of friendship where you'd seen inside the others soul. She'd never had it with Mary, or Sev, or even Petunia (not really, it had always come at a price). He had, though, she could tell, but never, it seemed with someone like her.
"I've got to…"
"Yeah…"
He doffed an imaginary cap in her direction, before turning abruptly and walking into the office. She swore she heard him whistling, and her cheeks ached from smiling.
It wasn't that everything had changed since she and James made up, but there was something decidedly different about the streets she walked down as she returned home. They weren't prettier per se, but they weren't as ugly as they had been before. She found herself humming as she went, a tuneless tune that sounded something like the Blue Peter theme song, and she smiled broadly at all who passed her.
On the street corner between where the High Street broke off into their road, there stood a gaggle of twenty-somethings, all clad in black. Lily's head started rushing, and the scar on her hairline seemed to ache with a sense of foreboding. They were waiting for her.
She suddenly understood the importance of numbers. When she was a kid, her mum had taken her to see the local Amateur Dramatics version of The Boyfriend, and they'd had a whole musical number dedicated to the fact that there is safety in numbers. When she was with Marlene, with Dorcas, with any of them, it was far less likely that it was her head getting kicked in. God that sounded selfish. But it was true.
"ALRIGHT, GINGE?" came a call from a skinny, snotty black haired boy who didn't look more than 14. She ignored them, pulling Marlene's jacket tighter around her body.
"OI!" the boy shouted again, "I'M TALKING TO YOU, PUNK SCUM!"
In order to get home, she knew she would have to go through them. I can do it, she thought, I can be like Dorcas, I can be made of steel. But her breaths were uneven and her footsteps uneasy, and even the huge pockets of Marlene's jacket could not disguise her shaking hands.
"HE SAID," shrieked the dark haired woman- Bella, shrieked Bella, "ALRIGHT, GINGE?"
In through the nose and out through the mouth, Lily, in through the nose and out through the mouth.
"Hello," she replied as politely as she possibly could as she approached them, "Please may I get through?"
Bella looked at the boy, and the boy looked at Bella's blonde sister, and all three began to laugh, cackling and screeching.
Lily tried to make her way through the crowd, but it was no use – as quickly as the hysterics had begun, they stopped, and Bella grabbed Lily's arm, fingernails digging into her pale flesh.
"Now look here, missy," she hissed, "You and me have got some unfinished business, haven't we?"
Lily said nothing, but tried to shake her way out of Bella's grasp. It did not work, and the older woman's nails cut into her skin.
"Your boyfriend's not here to save you now, is he, dear? No, it's just us, it's just us…"
She kept trying to get free, but she couldn't, she couldn't. Someone snatched her other arm, and she was being held there, on this street corner, by a gang of thugs. This wasn't an adventure, this was not what she had signed up for.
"I think it's time for me to finish what I started, don't you, darling?" Bella smiled maniacally, and Lily, frightened and alone, whimpered. She was not like Dorcas, she was not steel. She was not like Marlene, she was not ice. And she wasn't like Celia either, she wasn't sunshine, she wasn't anything. And it was with this thought that she fell to the ground, and curled up into a ball, and Bella and her cronies laid into her, their feet and hands thumping and smacking and tearing her apart.
If this is how I am to die, she thought miserably, pulling her knees to her chest, then let it be over quickly. Let me not realize that it has happened until it does.
But of course, she did not die. If she had, then we would not have a story.
The thugs continued to kick her, and it got to a point where it was too exhausting to hold in her wails, and she began to sob loudly, tears stinging her grazed cheeks. They laughed cruelly, and eventually bony hands pulled her to her shaking feet.
"Did Miss McKinnon not teach you how to fight, child?" Bella teased, "Or are you just naturally a coward?"
Lily could see, just behind Bella's wild hair, the first house in their road. Home was moments away, just a few footsteps really, and if she could just get through the crowd…
"You are, aren't you?" Bella continued, "You are a coward…but you are also a child, aren't you sweetie?"
The way Lily saw it, she had two choices. One, she could sob loudly, and hope she attracted the bloke who ran the greasy spoon's attention. Or two, she could lunge forward, get home, run as fast as her weak legs would carry her. And they would laugh, and she might fall, once or twice, but she would get there, she would get home, and there she could make herself some tea, and she might have a biscuit, and oh, she could curl up on the sofa with a blanket and –
"Unluckily for you," Bella laughed, "I hate children."
And she shoved Lily hard, and the redhead fell to the ground with a thud. The force of the fall caused stars to pop in front of her eyes, and she tried desperately to pull herself up, back onto her feet, but they wouldn't let her. Bella's blonde sister held her down with her perfectly manicured hands, and Lily called out with pain as the boy who had shouted at her earlier rammed his boot into her side.
"GET OFF ME!" she shouted, "GET OFF ME! LEAVE ME ALONE! GET! OFF! ME!"
There was a scuffle, and a cry of rage from Bella, and Lily opened her eyes to see Celia's tiny hands grasping for hers, and Alex squaring up to the boy who had been kicking her.
"Let her go, Narcissa," Celia spat, "This isn't your fight. C'mon, Lily, c'mon, it's alright, I've got you."
Like a child, Lily took Celia's hands and allowed herself to be pulled up. Alex was shouting, but she couldn't hear what was being said, she could only hear blood rushing in her ears. Oh God, oh God, she was going to be sick.
Celia shoved her way through the scrum, and was followed by Alex, who ranted and raved as they walked, tiptoed, down the road. Her head thumped horribly, and she couldn't feel her left leg. She had blood all over Marlene's jacket, and the right side of her face was a mess, but she was alive. Thank God, she was alive.
"Now Lily," Celia handed her a mug of tea, "you don't have to tell us now…but if you could, at some point…it would be nice to know what happened so we can…" she trailed off, and Alex cut in.
"So we can ascertain the seriousness of the situation. What they did…it's pretty fucked up, y'know?"
She nodded slowly, and sipped her tea. She wasn't entirely sure how she'd ended up here, on the sofa, wrapped in Dorcas' blanket, with a plate of custard creams and a mug of tea. Her hands still had gravel on them, and her cheeks still ached, so they hadn't mopped her up.
"They just…they just attacked me," she began, and to her surprise, she began to cry, "I was trying to get through- and- and-"
"Shhhh, it's alright, kid," Celia soothed her, "it's alright, you don't have to say anything now. Just eat your biscuits and we'll talk later, yeah?" She reached out and smoothed Lily's hair. It occurred then, to our heroine that she knew very little about Celia and Alex. And they had been, were, so kind to her.
"I thought," she mumbled, drawing her knees up to her chin, "you were job hunting?"
They shared a concerned look, and then Alex said sadly; "Yeah, well…there was nothing going, so we came home."
"Where do you work- I'm not being nosey, or anything, I just-"
"Me and Alex are actors, Lily," Celia explained, plonking herself down on the sofa beside her, "or at least- we want to be. But for now, we're just taking what's being offered."
"Oh…"
"It's pretty hard to get cast in Oliver on the West End if you've got a whacking great still-not-fully-healed scar across the side of your face." she laughed sadly, and Lily suddenly fought the urge to hug her. Today, she had learnt that everyone has had, or still has, dreams. It had never occurred to her before. She had been selfish and arrogant enough to assume that she was the only one who ever wanted anything. But everyone did. She supposed that that was that made them human.
"Do you want a custard cream?" was all she said in reply.
When the Marauders returned later that night, Lily was asleep. Celia threw a blanket over her, and told everyone they weren't to go in the back room, for fear of disturbing their newest recruit.
"She's had a rough day," she told them in the kitchen, "You should've seen them, it was…it was horrible."
"I dread to think what would have happened if we hadn't turned up when we did…" Alex trailed off, and Dorcas patted his arm sympathetically.
There was silence, save for clinking of mugs against the table.
"Who was it?" Marlene asked thickly, like she was keeping her tears in her throat, "Was it the Lestranges?"
"I think…" Celia looked at Alex, who nodded with a sad smile, "I think it was the Black branch of the gang, if I'm honest."
All eyes turned to Sirius, whose jaw tightened. "I'll fucking kill him," he said.
"Don't," Remus replied, "don't do anything that'll get you into trouble, Sirius, we're in enough shit as it is."
"Moony's right, Padfoot," Peter added, "Regulus isn't-"
"Shut up, Wormtail," snapped Sirius, eyes fixed on the peeling linoleum, "just shut up." He downed his tea like a whiskey shot, and then said; "I'm going to the pub. Don't wait up for me."
He stalked out of the room, and everyone watched him go in silence. Except Marlene, who wiped her face with the back of her hand and snarled "Me too."
Nobody tried to stop them, and the wind howled through the thin windows.
"Is it bad enough to take her to a doctor?" James said eventually, voice low and quiet.
"No," Celia soothed him, "no, she'll be fine after a bath and a good night's-"
"Where's she supposed to have a fucking bath, Cee?" James spat, tears in his hazel eyes, "How's she supposed to relax around here? We've got no water, about two quid left in the heater- this isn't a home, it's a fucking mess."
Dorcas put her face in her hands with a stifled sob, and Celia crossed the room to James with such rage in her eyes she was frightening.
"Now look her, bucko," she growled, "I understand that you're upset, and that you are very, very fond of Lily, but acting like a twelve year old on her first period isn't going to solve anything. Are we clear?"
He blinked rapidly, and said nothing.
"James? I asked you, are we clear?"
"Crystal," he mumbled, "we're clear as crystal."
"Good," she replied, "now c'mere."
"What?"
"I'm going to hug you, you numpty."
And she wrapped her thin arms around him, and for a moment the rage that bubbled inside him stilled, as she whispered soothingly; "It'll be alright, kid, it'll be alright."
When Lily woke up, she was in her own bed. Wait- no she wasn't, because she slept on the floor, and she was on one of those shitty campbeds that her mum kept in the garage for whenever anyone came to stay. And she was in her pjamas. She hadn't been in her pjamas when she'd fallen asleep. Was she at home? She wasn't, she couldn't be, because at home, in her own room, the window was on the left, and here it was on the right. Where was-
"You're awake then?" came a voice from beside her. James. She turned to face him. He was sat on Marlene's bedside table, a mug of tea in his thin hands.
"'lo," she murmured. "Wait- did you undress me?"
He chuckled, and adjusted his glasses on his nose. "No, no, Dorcas sorted you out."
"This isn't where I sleep normally…" Lily said curiously, and James nodded, sipping his tea.
"We thought it was time for you to, y'know, get a proper bed. This has been knocking about in my room for ages, so I thought…"
With a quiet laugh, she lay back down on the pillow. "Finally got me into your bed, then?"
"Cheeky," he replied, and Lily closed her eyes.
"You'll be here when I wake up, won't you?" she whispered.
"'Course I will," his voice filled the darkness, "I'm not going anywhere."
