Fai lay quietly in Kurogane's hold, his mind fuzzy but racing with what he'd seen.
Poor Koroko and Midori…
She'd been in love with her best friend, but had died without telling her. From what Fai understood, Koroko had seen her once, but Midori had quickly ran out of power. That had become the scary story that Sakura had heard, and then told.
When Fai had arrived, Midori must have recognized his magic, and thought -correctly- that he would help. But he'd never thought that the story would end up reminding him so much of his own.
Whatever was going on between him and Kurogane was uncomfortable, nerve wracking and terrifying, and Fai would much prefer it if things could go back to normal. But at least they were able to talk, to resolve it in one way or another. They were both still here, allowing Kurogane to make it clear how he felt. If he'd had to hear it from Kurogane's spirit after he was gone, and then Fai was left knowing that, to go on without him… the thought filled him with an ache he couldn't define.
He already knew he couldn't lose him. Fai had felt that after Celes. How that feeling translated over into daily life, however… he had no idea.
Fai looked up at Kurogane, silent and frowning like usual, and thought about how awful he'd been. This morning he'd been downright cruel, and Kurogane would be absolutely right if he never wanted to speak to him again. Fai didn't want that to happen.
He lifted his head, which had been limp against Kurogane's shoulder, and cleared his throat.
"Sorry…" He whispered. Kurogane's steady stride faltered for a moment, and he blinked down at Fai cradled against him.
Fai knew that wasn't enough, so he gathered his fragments of courage, and spoke again. He couldn't lift his eyes to meet Kurogane's, but he hoped the man could read his sentiment.
"I've been so terrible to you."
"Yeah, you have." Kurogane replied mildly, beginning to walk again. Fai blinked, and risked a glance to meet his eyes, smiling weakly.
"Kuro-pon is always so blunt."
Kurogane snorted. "If I wasn't, we'd never get anything done."
Fai had to agree. His ability to dance around a topic was monumental, and even now it was taking everything in him not to change the subject. If he was sure his legs would work, he might have already been running away. As such, he swallowed, and tried to push down his fear.
Be honest for once, Fai. It can't be that hard.
They reached Fai's room, and Kurogane set him down on the unmade bed against the pillows. Fai's limbs felt like a newborn's; a combination of running around all day around the hospital, and using his magic in that condition. He was long past his point of endurance. and the strain had taken all his regained strength.
He let Kurogane move around him, tugging the blankets out from under him, and spreading them across his chest, and pulling down the pillows so he could lay back. He was effectively tucking him in, and it was nice. Being too tired to feel embarrassed had its perks.
Kurogane smoothed the blankets out one more time across Fai's shoulders, pointless since he'd already done that, and then pulled away. He was leaving, leaving the room, and Fai suddenly very much didn't want him to.
"Wait," He said, dragging out a limp arm to reach for Kurogane's sleeve, and grabbing his wrist.
Kurogane blinked, but didn't pull away. "What?"
Fai didn't know why he'd done that, but once he was holding on to Kurogane's arm -the right one and so it was warm, and Fai thought he could even feel the man's pulse- he wasn't quite sure what he wanted to do. He looked up, sleepy but worried for some reason he couldn't define, into Kurogane's red eyes.
"You...you changed everything…I didn't want things to change." Fai said. It wasn't what he expected to come out. Kurogane nodded, sitting in the bedside chair, and Fai saw clearly a flash of sadness.
"I didn't mean to." Kurogane said. "I'm sorry I just kissed you like that."
Fai wanted to tell him 'Don't be'. Wanted to say that he'd liked it, and he cared about Kurogane in the same way that Kurogane seemed to care about him. But fear, that damn fear and anxiety that motivated his every word and action and inaction for his entire life was freezing him in place. His hand was still tight around Kurogane's wrist, and his heart was pounding.
"You should have asked," Fai said, falling back on petulant, because at least that wasn't terrified. "Now everything is ruined."
Kurogane scowled. "It isn't ruined," He grumbled. "Nothing has to change, you idiot. If you don't want to...if you don't feel the same, we'll just go back to normal."
Fai stared down at their hands. Fai was still gripping Kurogane's wrist, leaving Kurogane's fingers to curl loosely. If he shifted just a bit, he'd be holding his hand… he couldn't tell if the thought thrilled him or scared him.
Kurogane was watching him as carefully as he'd done yesterday, when he'd leaned in and pressed his lips to Fai's. He was blushing a bit, but he met Fai's gaze when he looked up. Probably no one else would look at the current glare, and read the affection there, but maybe, just maybe, Fai was starting to see it.
He just...didn't understand. Kurogane had certainly proven that he cared in the past. He wanted Fai to live, he'd bound his blood to him for what they'd thought would be the rest of their lives, he'd chosen to travel with him and the others even though the chance of going home was in his hands. And since then, they'd spent years teasing, fighting, and conversing, gaining a deeper relationship than Fai had ever had with anyone, save his brother. Kurogane knew everything in his past, and he still wanted to stand by him.
And even knowing all of that, Fai's mind had still stuttered when Kurogane had leaned in and kissed him. He thought he understood Kurogane, and the Kurogane he knew would never pursue a physical relationship with someone he didn't love. There'd been opportunities; in Yama, women had offered, but Kurogane had never shown the slightest interest.
But then Kurogane had kissed him. The implications were screaming at him, but Fai couldn't even think the words...
And like always, Kurogane seemed to be able to see through his every mask. With a shake of his head, he turned his wrist under Fai's grasp, and interlocked their fingers, loose enough that Fai could pull away if he wanted.
"You're such an idiot."
He wanted to pull away, but he didn't at the same time. Kurogane's fingers were warm and rough, and Fai's fit between them perfectly. Kurogane looked up to meet Fai's eyes again. He was flushed, but determined looking.
"I should have said this already. A long time ago. Maybe you'd understand it, if I'd been saying it all along." Kurogane started, and Fai stared at him. Kurogane took a breath. "I just don't want to be like that ghost. So I'm gonna say it now. But, like I said, nothing has to change, okay? It's up to you."
This rambling was rather unlike Kurogane, but his eyes shown with conviction. Fai's fingers were trembling against Kurogane's, and Kurogane squeezed gently. Then, the ninja took a deep breath, and Fai held his own.
"I love you," He blurted. Fai hadn't even allowed those words to come into his mind, but now they were out in the air, and he felt like his chest was rushing somewhere without him. Kurogane was watching for his reaction, but Fai didn't think he'd even moved; just sat there, wide eyed like the idiot that Kurogane always called him.
Fai remembered Midori saying the same thing to Koroko, and Koroko's response. She'd misunderstood; she'd had no reason to believe it was anything else. Fai knew. He wasn't as dense as all that. Kurogane meant this, just like he meant the kiss, and holding his hand. It was overwhelming, and petrifying, and Fai again had the fleeting thought that this too would not be a good time to throw up.
"You look like you're about to pass out." Kurogane broke the silence, interrupting Fai's whirling thoughts. Fai breathed in, swallowed, and gave a faltering laugh.
"I might." He said, and Kurogane pulled his hand out of Fai's (that tang of disappointment meant something, didn't it?) and put both on his shoulders to ease him back into the pillows. It helped the pain in his side that he'd forgotten about until that moment, as well as made his dizzy thoughts slow a little. He was so tired.
Kurogane didn't look offended at his reaction. If anything, he looked remorseful.
"Sorry, I shouldn't have said that with you still recovering. I'll leave you to sleep."
Kurogane turned, and Fai reached out and grabbed the sleeve over Kurogane's mechanical arm.
"No, please…" He murmured, not even sure what he was asking. Kurogane sat back down, eying him.
"You need to calm down then." He ordered. "You look like you're scared stiff."
"I am." Fai said, gulping a little. "No one has ever said that to me like that."
Said it in other ways- joking, insincere, lying outright. The same way he spoke to everyone. He'd grown up in a royal court, after all. Everything was insincere. The relationships he'd been part of there were purely politics and lust. The emotions were false. Power ploys and entertainment value had brought him to men and women's beds, and they to his.
This. This was sincere. For Fai, this was real.
Kurogane nodded, huffing through his nose like the wizard was the most annoying person on the planet. The sound did much to comfort him.
"Yeah, well, I've never said it to anyone, so we're even."
Fai's chin trembled a little, and he laughed so he wouldn't cry. Kurogane moved his opposite hand so that he was holding it over the back of Fai's sleeve grip, smoothing his skin in comforting circles.
"...you love me?" Fai gasped. Kurogane kept his face nonchalant.
"Mm." Kurogane affirmed. Then he stood. "You really do need to sleep. You ran around like a dumbass all day." He was still holding Fai's hand, and with the other, he smoothed back a strand of Fai's hair. Fai felt his eyelids droop at the warmth of that gesture.
"But I do get to leave tomorrow," Fai said, sleepily protesting the title of dumbass.
"I doubt it after today. But maybe, if you feel good."
Kurogane placed Fai's hand on the bed at his side, and moved away successfully this time.
"Go to sleep. We can talk tomorrow."
Fai fell asleep quickly, and dreamed of ghosts and warm hands in his.
