A/N: hahahaha I'm such a horrible person I'm so sorry. I really did mean to update sooner, but you know, life.

Warnings: none really, just discussion of trigger-able topics.


Mountain Sound

Chapter 8: Hold Your Horses Now

He didn't know how long he had been sitting there, knees pulled up under his chin, just staring at the bottle in front of him. The harmless little bottle that held the pills he wanted to swallow so badly. He heard a muffled buzzing coming from somewhere and lifted his eyes just enough to see his phone light up in his blazer pocket, which was swung over the back of his chair. He didn't want to go answer the phone. He didn't care enough to talk to anyone, and he could just say that he had fallen asleep. He lowered his eyes and was once against lost in thought about the consequences of his actions. The muffled vibrations continued at an increasing pace, but Nick continued to ignore his phone.
After his phone had stopped receiving texts for a considerable amount of time, he heard heavy footsteps coming down the hallway outside and stopping at his door. The person knocked on his door.

"Nick?" It was Blaine. "Nick, please let me in. Please, it's important."

Nick didn't move. He didn't want to face Blaine and whatever news he wanted to share at this hour. He heard Blaine walk away. Nick soon realized that this was the first time he intentionally avoided his friends so that he didn't have to deal with how much of a fuck-up he was. The thought brought tears to his eyes and he lowered his head into his knees. The knocking returned to his door.

"Nick? Can I come in?" The voice was soft this time, and Nick immediately identified it as Jeff. He cried even harder now that Jeff was worried about him as well. He never wanted this. He didn't want his friends worrying about him, especially Jeff. He had been through enough, he shouldn't have to deal with Nick's problems as well. And Nick didn't even have problems! He had to reason to be upset; no family problems, no friendship problems, nothing.

You're just pathetic.

"I know," he said out loud. He voice cracked from disuse and the sound scratched his throat.

"Nick? Did you just say something? Please let me in, please?" Jeff pleaded. Nick looked over to the door and saw a shadow and fabric bunched up near the bottom of the door. Jeff was sitting right there. Nick's heart broke when he thought that there was a chance that Jeff wouldn't have been able to be there: he could've died last year. Nick's heart felt heavy at that thought that Jeff could be gone. He looked down at the bottle of pills and felt his stomach clench. He cried out in pain, wrapping his hands around his stomach and leaning forward.

"Nick?"

Nick thought of Jeff finding his body in a pool of blood in his bathroom, or maybe his cold body still wrapped up in bed, having drifted off while he slept. Tears leaked from his eyes as he fueled his thoughts. That couldn't happen, it couldn't. Nick quickly grabbed the pills and stood up. His knees cracked as he did and his back was sore when he stood up straight, but he kept walking. He dropped the bottle of pills near his sink in the bathroom before walking to the hallway door. Before he could second guess his decision, he abruptly opened it, causing Jeff to momentarily lose his balance, as he had been leaning against it.

"Nick! You're up, I knew you were, Blaine said that you talk-" Jeff cut himself off after he stood up and looked at Nick's face. "Nicky?" His voice was soft now, like he was frightened about what was going on. "What's wrong?" Nick's body shook as a few sobs he tried to keep down erupted. "Nick, no, please don't cry." Jeff moved forward and hugged him, pushing the two of them into Nick's room and closing the door behind them. Jeff walked Nick over to the bed and sat him down before sitting next to him on the bed. "What's going on?" Nick took a few deep breaths to calm himself before answering.

"It's just, everything is so wrong," Nick began. He took another breath before standing up. Pacing always helped him talk. "And nothing should be wrong. You shouldn't be worrying about me. Neither should Blaine. None of you. Nothing should be wrong with me. Why is there so much fucking wrong with me?" At this Nick paused his pacing to lean against a wall opposite his bed. Jeff stared at him with his mouth slightly agape, not having expected this from Nick.

"What are you talking about?" Jeff's voice wavered, and Nick could actually see the fear in his eyes.

"I'm such a mistake," Nick whispered and hung his head. "I've messed everything up. This was never supposed to happen. This year was supposed to be about being there for you and being the support that you need. This shouldn't have turned into a pity party for me."

"That's what you think this is? Nick, a pity party isn't starving yourself for weeks on end and trying to hide it from all your friends. You're sick, just like I was. And that's okay. You can't blame yourself for doing it, but you can get better. And we want to help you get better, that's why we're so worried." Jeff paused to allow Nick to speak more, but he didn't. Jeff filled the silence by moving from the bed to Nick's desk chair. He flicked on the light on Nick's desk, casting a small amount of light in the dark room. He then sat on the chair backwards and leaned his arms on it, resting his head on his arms. "There's something else isn't there?" Jeff asked, his eyes taking in Nick's body language.

Nick slowly made eye contact with him. "I'm not okay."

Jeff stared back at him. "I know, Nick. But it's okay, we're going to help you."

"No, I meant. I'm not okay," Nick admitted, looking away from Jeff, looking anywhere else he could. The resulting silence was unnerving to him.
"What did you do?" Nick continued to look away. Jeff got up from the chair and walked over to Nick, stopping in front of him and resting a hand on his shoulder. "Nick, what did you do?"

"I'm cutting," Nick said, and a few more sobs escaped. Jeff's face fell into horror and tears filled his eyes.

"Oh God. That's why you've been acting so weird and fidgeting with your shirt, isn't it. Fuck, Nick. Why would you do this? I was so worried you were going to, I even told you I was worried you might start cutting. But you didn't say anything! You had already started cutting and you didn't tell me then, did you?" Nick allowed more tears to run down his face. Jeff was right. He was always right.
"I'm so sorry," he whispered.

"Show me," Jeff demanded. And ever so slowly, Nick complied. He moved his hands down to take his shirt off and Jeff removed his hand from Nick's shoulder. Nick pulled his shirt off and Jeff's face crumpled in sadness when he saw the cuts up and down Nick's stomach as well as his arms. "Fuck." Jeff leaned forward against Nick and hugged him. Nick immediately hugged back, craving contact with another person. "I hate this. I really fucking hate this, you know? I can't stand you doing this."

"I know. I'm sorry, I'm going to try to stop, I promise." Jeff nodded against his neck and Nick felt Jeff's hot tears hit his bare shoulder. "Jeff," Nick started before pausing.

"What?" Jeff pulled back and stared him in the eyes.

"I want to die."

Jeff froze, his arms still around Nick. They stayed that way for several minutes before Jeff seemed to have made up his mind. "Put a shirt on." His voice cracked. Nick did as he was told while Jeff pulled his phone out and started frantically texting. Nick pulled the shirt on and waited for Jeff to finish. "Get your room key." Nick grabbed it and stuffed it in his pajama pants' pocket. "Come on, let's go," Jeff said, turning the desk lamp off being they left, the door swinging closed behind them.