It had been three weeks since the funeral. Everyone had left and it was only me, Alorah, Ellie, and Charlie. People would still bring over food, although I had no idea why. We weren't helpless, especially not in the kitchen. Alorah always said she would've done better in school if they offered cooking classes. My idea that she would leave was way off. She had actually decided that she would stay put, at least for the foreseeable future. We were all getting along well, although I was frequently told that I should return to school. I just wasn't ready for that.
I received owls from Lily and Sarah, even Remus, but I didn't reply to any of them. I wasn't sure why. I suppose I just wanted to live life how it was. I know I had promised Remus I would write, but I just couldn't. Also couldn't help the stab of disappointment I felt whenever an owl wasn't sent from Sirius.
Everything had become simple. Sure, there were still times when one or all of us would break down, but we helped each other through it. Jake helped too. He was over at the house visiting every day when he got home from school. I started to remember why I had been friends with him in the first place and began to wonder why I never bothered to keep in touch with him.
"So, what are we going to do today?" Jake asked as soon as I opened the door.
"Well, you're going to think I'm insane if I tell you."
He smirked. "Don't worry, Nen, I already do."
I playfully smacked him and grabbed my coat. It was cold being almost December and the last thing I wanted was to get sick. "C'mon let's go."
We walked back out of the house and I carefully locked the door. Alorah was still paranoid about being attacked. I had to hand it to her though, she lost her husband and baby son, and yet she was doing alright. I had a feeling that the strength she showed on the outside was just a mask to cover up the pain on the inside. I suppose that was just how all of us were though. We were trying our best to make it through.
"Will you tell me where we're going?"
"That depends. Do you promise not to talk me out of it?"
He nodded. "I promise."
I looked at him to see if he was being truthful. "We're going to my old home. I…I need to try and fix it."
"Are you sure that's what you want?"
I nodded. "I want to clean it up and repair it."
"Then what will you do with it? Move back in?"
I shuttered at the thought. "No, but I feel that I owe it to my family. I owe it to that house." My eyes began to water.
Jake gave me a small smile before taking my hand and pulling me into a hug. "I'll help you do whatever you want."
"Thank you," I whispered as I pulled away from him. For some reason I just couldn't get used to his hugs. They were warm, but they just weren't like Sirius's. They never calmed me down the same way.
~~~~~~
"Well, we're here," Jake announced as we entered the house. It was so odd being back here. Everything was basically the same. The only difference was that inside the blood was cleaned up. After the investigators were finished a crew came in to get rid of the blood. No one felt that it was right to leave it there and I was glad they had cleaned up. "Where should we start?"
I thought for a moment. "The attic."
We slowly climbed the steps up to the second floor and up the ladder to the waiting attic. Everything was the same as when I found Ellie with the exception of her soiled dresses which had all been washed thanks to Alorah.
"I want to get these boxes out of here. Alorah has a large storage space and she said that all of this could stay there. So that's what we'll do first."
"Alright," Jake agreed. "Does it matter where we start?"
I shook my head. "Just grab a box and take it out to the yard. Alorah's renting a truck that will be here later to take it to her place."
"Got it."
~~~~~~
It didn't take long before we finished. I was thankful for that. It was hard to not break down while I was in there, with all those memories. It was hard to take.
"So, when are you going to leave me and go back to school?" Jake asked as we sat outside waiting for the truck to arrive.
"Hmm?"
"When are you going back to school?"
"Oh, I'm not sure." I thought for a moment. "After Christmas probably."
Jake nodded and we sat in silence again. I looked over at my friend. He seemed off, but I couldn't quite put my finger on what was going on.
"Can I ask you something?"
"Of course, you don't need to ask."
He thought for a moment. "It's a personal question." He looked over to me, but I just motioned for him to continue. "Well, what have you done?"
"Huh?" I asked confused. What in the world was he talking about?
He scratched his head. "It's just…have you…are you…?"
"Out with it, Jake. I can't read your mind."
"Right," he sighed. "Well, I was just wondering if you were a…a…virgin." His voice dropped so low on the last word that I barely heard him.
I was startled at the question. Never in my life had I been asked that. What was I going to tell him? I could tell him the truth, but then he'd just ask more questions. If I lied and said yes, what would he say then? Maybe I could tell him it's just too personal. No, he'd definitely take that as a no. It had to be the truth. Slowly, I shook my head. "No, I'm not."
I could tell that wasn't the answer Jake expected. "You're not? When did you…?"
It was hard to believe how awkward he was making this. Sirius never would have done such a thing. "I was fifteen. It was a onetime thing that just kind of happened."
"Oh." He was silent for a moment. "It was with that Sirius guy wasn't it?"
I stared at him. What was this about? "Well, umm, yeah."
"Do you love him?"
"What are you getting at?"
I could see him fidgeting. "It's just that you mention him a lot."
"No I don't!" I argued.
He gave me a weak smile. "Of course not, Nen."
We were silent again. I found myself wishing that the truck would hurry up or that Jake wasn't there so I could have just sent everything back already. Heck, I could've had most of the house cleaned up in the time it took us to just take the boxes down.
"Do you want to know about me?" Jake asked.
"What about you?" I snapped as I wrapped myself up tighter in my coat. The cold and the questions were getting to me.
"Do you want to know who I've been with?"
I rolled my eyes. "Sure, who have you been with?"
He was silent, waiting for me to look at him. When I finally did he answered. "No one."
My mouth actually dropped. "Are you serious?"
He nodded. "I've been waiting."
I was beginning to not trust my ears. "For what? You're a guy. Guys go and have sex with whoever they want."
"Well, not this guy. I decided a while back that I was going to wait for the right girl."
My irritation was turning to mock amusement. I had never expected Jake to be one of those guys. "Well, have you figured out who she is yet?"
Jake's face turned red. "Yeah, I have."
I waited, expecting him to finish. "Who is it?"
"You."
Just as the word was out of his mouth the truck pulled up. Immediately I began loading the boxes into the back. Trying as hard as I could to ignore what Jake had just admitted. Alorah stepped out of the driver's side to help us load. I knew she could sense that something had happened between us.
"What's going on?" she whispered to me when Jake was out of earshot.
I shook my head. There was no way I was going to repeat that here.
~~~~~~
"Well, are you going to tell me now?" Alorah asked as soon as we had dropped off the unloaded truck and were on our way home.
"It's crazy. You would never believe me."
"Oh c'mon, Nen! You're still my sister, you know. You can tell me this stuff. Did he kiss you?" I shook my head. "Did he smack your bottom?"
"Umm, no."
"Well, what then? He had to have done something!"
"Can we just drop this? I don't want to talk about it."
Alorah was silent for awhile and I was thankful for that. I did consider her my sister and I loved her as such, but she could be almost as annoying as Sarah at times. It wasn't that I didn't want her to know, I was just trying to process everything in my own mind before it got warped by someone else's opinion. Oh, who am I kidding? My own mind warped everything before I could make sense of it.
"Nen," Alorah began softly. "Can I ask you a personal question?"
Oh, Merlin, how many times did I have to hear that question in a day? "Umm, I suppose."
"Well, I want you to know that I love you know matter what and, even if I think they are…strange, I will respect all of your choices."
I gave her a sideways glance. What in the world was she going on about? "Okay."
She stopped and looked me straight in the eye. "Do you prefer women to men?"
My mouth dropped. There was no way I heard her correctly. "What?" I screeched.
"It's okay if you do, I just want to know."
"Alorah, trust me, I like guys! I'm…I'm not whatever it is you think I am."
She gave me a little smile, almost as if she didn't believe me. "Okay, it's just that you've never had a boyfriend and Jake is such a good-looking guy I figured you two would be together by now. That's all."
I stared at her. How could she think such a thing of me? Didn't she know how I can't get Sirius out of my head? Wait, of course she didn't. No one in the world knew that. "Alorah," I sighed. "There's a lot of stuff you don't know about me or my love life."
She looked curiously at me. "Like what?"
I shook my head. "It's hard to explain."
She groaned. "C'mon, Nienna! Let me in on what's been going on. It isn't fair that you keep me out of the loop."
I rolled my eyes. "Don't feel bad. You're not the only one."
"Nienna, you can tell me anything. I want to try and help you." She gave me a big smile, but I couldn't forget that only a few moments earlier she accused me of being a lesbian.
"I'll let you know later," I told her as I noticed a shopkeeper listening to us. We began walking again.
"Fine, but you better tell me."
~~~~~~
"Bloody hell, Nen!" Alorah exclaimed as soon as I finished telling her the pitiful story that is my love life.
"So, do you have any advice?"
She thought for a moment. "Yes, but I need to know something first."
"Which is?"
"Are you in love with him?"
I repeated the question in my head a hundred times. How was I supposed to answer such a thing? Was I in love with Sirius Black? I couldn't wrap my mind around the idea. "I think…"
I was interrupted by Ellie running into the kitchen. She had a roll of parchment in her little hands and looked excited. A huge grin was spread over her freckly face. "Guess what! Guess what!"
"What is it honey?" Alorah asked.
She proudly unrolled the letter and shoved it onto the table. "Grandmum and Grandpa want me to go stay with them in Greece!"
I pulled the paper over to me and quickly read it. Sure enough our grandparents wanted Ellie to stay with them over the holidays. I scoured the paper again, this time looking for my name, but it was nowhere to be found.
"That's great El," Alorah told her as she looked at me. "Are you going too, Nen?"
I shook my head.
"She wasn't invited," Ellie blurted out.
"Are you sure?" Alorah grabbed the letter from me and read it. She frowned as she finished it.
"I can go can't I? Even if Nen doesn't?"
I nodded my head, but Alorah disagreed. "I don't think that's a great idea. Both of you should go."
Ellie couldn't hide her disappointment. I rolled my eyes for what seemed to be the millionth time that day. "Really, she can go. I'll just stay here with you, Alorah. It'll be fine."
My little sister took that as the final word and squealed happily as she ran back up the stairs to start packing. I couldn't say I was happy about it, but I didn't want Ellie to stay here for our first Christmas alone. Sure, I didn't want to stay either, but as long as I wasn't alone here it'd be okay.
I looked over at Alorah expecting her to be happy that I wasn't abandoning her too, but she was far from happy. Her face was guilt-ridden and sad. "What is it?"
"Nienna, I think you should go with Ellie."
"Why? I'm fine with staying here. I don't want you to be all alone during that time. Besides Ellie is going to be gone for a month and a half starting in a couple days. It wouldn't be fair to leave you here alone."
Alorah played with the wedding ring that she still wore. I was honestly amazed by how strong she was through everything that had happened. "Nen, I'm not going to be here for Christmas," she paused, watching for some reaction out of me. "I'm leaving on the fifteenth to spend it with my family. You should really go with Ellie."
I shook my head as I got up from the table. "No, Alorah, I'll be fine." I gave her the best smile I could muster. "It'll be good for me." I walked away not believing it at all.
