Rejection
Disclaimer: Unfortunately for me and the rest of the world I don't own Digimon.
Warnings: Some mention of Yaoi. Swearing. Blood. Don't like, don't read. I don't see the problem ?
AN: Hey guys an update… finally! You know you've been neglected your stories when fanfiction no longer appears on your Internet list! Yay! … This chapter is kind of sad, well for me anyways. I didn't think this chapter would turn out the way it did, but it did. The next chapter will be less depressing like…no matter how it turns out. A great big thanks to everyone whose been reviewing. I love you all!! So anyways read on.
Chapter 8
Remember Me.
Takuya's POV
I woke up to the glittering moon. I smiled briefly; it felt good for just one second not to think about anything but the soft earth against my back, the stars and the moon above me. The dew and rain from before making my clothes cling to my body. But even I knew it couldn't last. One blink and the events of before came rushing to me like a tidal wave. Junpei's funeral, the man, Kouji. Kouji. I leapt up suddenly. Kouji! How long had it been? Were they looking for me? Where was I? I looked up at the half moon and took a deep breath. Tonight I would tell him. Tell Kouji. I would tell him it was me who was destroying his life. Me who had crippled Izumi, me who had killed Junpei. Me. No matter what time it was, no matter how I looked or how lost I got trying to find my way to him. I would tell Kouji the truth tonight. Just like Junpei wanted. I took a few steps onto the muddy path before glancing back. I had been lying in a field of pale blue flowers; I had left an imprint from where I had fallen asleep. I laughed. The imprint resembled that of an angel. But how, how could it be for all the things I had done? I let the cool air engulf me and took another deep breath and began a slight jog along a beaten path, after a while though I stopped. I walked slower taking in the beauty of the forest, thinking how nice it would be to walk these woods with Kouji. Holding hands, talking about the different flowers, the moon, about possibly adopting kids, about marriage, about our future together. Or maybe just walking silently enjoying, each other's presence. A slight smile crossed my face. I don't know how long I walked. I just kept thinking of him. Thinking of the good things. Walking with him. Talking with him. Being with him. I guess the thoughts of him were like a guiding light as I soon found myself back where I had started…at Junpei's. I ran to the front door, but no lights were on. It occurred to me that all my stuff was still in there. All the horrifying memories. What I had been trying to block out the whole walk came back to me.
"Takuya! No! Takuya put it down" I kneed his stomach. He rolled off the toilet, groaning as he clutched his stomach. He stood up groggily, I sliced through the air with the razor catching his shoulder, the sharp blade ripping through his shirt and causing more warm blood to flow. I held the razor poised ready to strike but stopped as Junpei stood up unsteadily and looked at me evenly. His eyes portrayed so much. Hurt, anger, betrayal. His eyes right then reminded me of Kouji's. Lost, Forgotten. Junpei's eyes looked so much like his, but so different. I felt a tear slip down my cheek.
I stared up at the house. To the rooms it had happened in. The rooms that I had lost control in. Or maybe I hadn't lost control. Maybe I knew what I was doing the whole time. I wanted to go in but I wasn't ready to face that yet. Not yet. I wondered if I was ready to face Kouji yet. But I knew I had to be. He had a right, a right to know. If I really loved him, I would tell him and nothing but nothing would stop me.
"No" I shook my head and wiped the oncoming tears with the sleeve of my shirt. "No".
I started jogging down the street. Trying to keep the tears from rising further, trying to maintain my composure. The night suddenly seemed very cold, colder than I had first recognized. The chill seemed to go right through me.
Takuya" Junpei stepped to me; I don't think I'll ever understand. I had just tried to murder him and he instantly comes to aid. "Takuya I think its time you go to sleep. You look tired. Takuya please, just go to sleep" he came closer and wrapped his arms around me. I cried steadily.
I shook my head as I ran. The memories were so vivid so clear. A horror repeating in my head over and over and over again.
"Junpei I'm so so sorry" I choked out.
"Takuya it's okay. I understand… well not really" he let out a small chuckle between sobs "but we'll just forgive and forget" I knew he would say that, but he'd tell someone, I knew he would.
"I know Junpei…but that's not what I'm sorry about" I looked up into his eyes. He looked confused than realization donned on him. Quickly the surprise in his eyes turned to pain. I stepped back. The tears streamed down his face as they did mine. The razor was jammed firmly into his stomach.
I felt the warm tears begin to flow down my face. The salty taste as they made their way into my mouth. I ran and ran and ran. Trying to shake it off.
"Ta…kk…uy…a" his voice quivered. I looked up at him. My eyes peering into his. He fell to his knees then, reaching down to his stomach he felt the handle of the razor. Pulling his hands up to look at them he found them covered with blood. He reached back down to the handle and pulled it out. He convulsed and spit out some blood. He stood up shakily grabbing onto the counter for support. He reached out to me.
I saw his hand reaching out to me. Calling for help. I stopped running. I had arrived at Kouji's. No lights stood on. That was okay I needed a few moments. I stood there shaking as more tears came flying down my face. I no longer tried to stop them. I figured I needed to let them come or else they would be stuck inside of me.
"T…t…a….k…u…ya" he grasped with his hands. Looking for someone to help. Looking to me to help. It scared me. It scared me because I couldn't help. I had done this. I let out a shrill shriek, not a very loud one but a shrill one. I shoved him back he hit the side of the shower and fell down grasping the seat of the toilet. I went over to him and dunked his head into the toilet holding it down. I couldn't take his eyes watching me. So betrayed but so understanding. I stood overtop of him holding him down. Suddenly he started kicking, struggling I knew he was losing air. He kicked and kicked. I closed my eyes and whispered more to myself than to Junpei.
"It'll be over soon" when I opened them the struggling had stopped.
A light had appeared on overhead. I didn't notice it at first, until I heard a small tap on the window. I jumped up in surprise. Kouji, or maybe it was Kouichi were looking down at me. I only glanced at them for a second, before the lights went out. Though I swear the face wore a small tried smile, a grin. I looked up and got caught up once more in the horror of my thoughts.
I stepped back as Junpei's figure fell back a bit exposing his head. Slumped over the toilet his head faced mine. His lifeless eyes wide and scared his mouth closed in a firm line. I stared at his head as my vision started blurring with tears. His cheek started bleeding again. The blood mixing with the water. I fell to my knees and looked at my hands.
"No…not again…"
"Psstt..Takuya?" I was shaken out of my thoughts as my head snapped back up to the top window.
"K..Kouji?" I wiped my face dry with my sleeve, there was no way he would see me crying, not until I had said what I wanted to, then I would cry. Cry for forgiveness, cry for his love, cry for everything.
"Takuya…I'm sorry no one was waiting for you. I told your parents that you were staying the night here...because you well…ran off and I didn't want them worrying. I think they stayed over at your aunts. I hope you don't mind" he looked down at me. His eyes were red and puffy. I could tell he had been crying recently.
"Yeah thanks Kouji. So what happened after I left?"
"Well…they took the body away to be cremated. Everyone slowly started leaving. That's about it"
"What's being done with the ashes?"
"Well…they're putting up a marker for Junpei and the parents are taking the ashes with them to…where ever they're going. They're getting away from it all, but keeping the house exactly the same, in memory of …Junpei"
"Ah…" I paused it was now... or frankly speaking never. "Kouji…"
"Takuya it's so horrible. His death who could've done such a thing? What stupid person could do it? What stupid non respecting son of a bitch fucker could do this?" I looked up startled. I had seen Kouji mad, but I had never seen him so full of hatred. A hand appeared on Kouji's shoulder.
"Now, now Kouji. Maybe the person had a reason. Maybe Junpei knew something he shouldn't have. Or maybe he was getting in the way, getting to close." It was Kouichi who emerged into the view of the window. He wore a crooked grin on his face. Just looking at their faces it would be hard to guess they were twins anymore. Kouji was thinner; his complexion pale from so many days in his room, his eyes didn't have that sparkle of life. Kouichi on the other hand looked totally unaffected. He looked exactly the same. He didn't look any thinner, he was tan, and the sparkle of life was there as well.
" So what do you think Takuya? Why is this mad hatter going on this tangent?" Kouichi locked his eyes with me as he said that, and in that sudden instant I knew he knew. I knew he knew it was me. That I had killed Junpei, that I had crippled Izumi. He knew. He knew I loved Kouji. He knew everything. My heart started pounding in my chest going 300 miles per hour, pounding trying to escape.
"What do you think Takuya?" I tore my eyes away from Kouichi.
"I…uh….I…Kouji there's something I need…" I paused. Everything played back in my head again. "…to tell you"
"Oh what is that Takuya?" Kouichi asked eagerly. I looked over to him again. A malicious grin was on his face. His eyes were gleaming in the darkness. He was excited. He knew once I said this I would never be able to be with Kouji again. And for reasons unbeknownst to me, he was happy. He knew what I was going to tell him.
"Kouji…I…"
"Kouji?! Kouichi?! Are you still up?! Is everything okay?!" I heard some banging from the other side of the house and their step mom came over to investigate.
"GO! Go Takuya! You can tell me later!" Kouji whispered before running away from the window. Kouichi looked furious at the disturbance. He stared at me for a second before giving an anguished look and turning way from the window. The light quickly flickered out. I stood there for what seemed like an eternity before turning away and walking slowly back home. I didn't run this time, I walked slowly. I didn't think about anything though. I blocked it out of my mind. I just walked absentmindedly. I could've been hit by a car now and I don't think I would have noticed, actually I hoped I would get hit by a car, that would make many things easier. I mean I knew I was going to hell, I probably was before I had hurt Izumi, this just added to it. I wanted to be with Kouji forever, though I knew he would never got to hell, he would live in heaven, internal peace. I don't know how but I arrived at my front door, I found the spare key and silently opened the door and slipped in. I slowly made the climb up the stairs and into my bedroom. I walked across the room, my socked feet making hardly any noise, and plopped on the bed. I took off my socks but didn't have the initiative to take off anything else. Sighing I rubbed my eyes before glancing over at the clock 2:55AM. My eyes wandered from there, to my shelf that held all my pictures, all my memories. I walked over to the shelf and ran my hand along the picture of my soccer team we were all making funny poses; our Sophomore team had been the champions that year … I wonder how they were doing this year I had just stopped going to the practices, I closed my eyes wondering how my fellow players were doing on the varsity team. I opened them again and moved onto the next picture, this one was of the whole gang, and probably the same one that had been in Junpei's room, I moved on quickly not wanting to think about him. A couple family pictures (how much I'll tear them apart when they learn what I've done) and finally a picture of Kouji and I. I stroked the picture image of Kouji. We were both so happy, smiling, laughter in our eyes. Something in the background caught my attention. Kouichi stood back there, his face sullen, resentful. I closed my eyes and all I saw was the malicious look Kouichi had given me. The smile, almost reassuring me that he knew, he knew what I'd done. That dirty son of a bitch he probably likes this, likes watching me squirm. He wants me to fail that dirty motherfuc…
"AHHH!" I let out a cry of anguish and threw the picture frame against a wall. A crunch of wood and the smashing of glass followed. I closed my eyes breathing heavily. I waited for my parents to barge in but they didn't, that's right they weren't home. I let out a deep breathe and walked over to the remains of he picture frame. As I stepped toward it I felt tiny pieces of glass imbed themselves in my foot. Each step caused me to wince. If I did what I was thinking, it wouldn't even matter. Wouldn't matter at all. I grimaced and I reached down and grabbed the picture and a jagged shard of glass. I looked at our smiling faces, who could've thought that this would happen looking at our faces. I, once so healthy, athletic and bubbly, now so pale, hallow looking, as if I was only a shell with nothing inside. Kouji once understanding, strong and independent, had turned lost, anguish filled dependant on others. And it's all my fault.
"Yeah shitface, you're the reason they all cry themselves to sleep" the little voice in my head was right, I hadn't just affected Kouji and myself, I had affected anyone who had ever known Junpei, or Izumi's family. And why? I laughed, a bitter sorrow filled laugh. I asked my self why quite often lately. So I'm going to fix it. I'll make everyone's life better. I crossed to the other side of the room and sat on the cold wooden floor beneath my shelf. I'll make it all go away. I'll make them happy again, they'll forget someday, and it will all stop. I won't have to ask why anymore, I won't have to question my sanity.
"What about Kouji? You kill for the stupid bitch and then decide he's not worth it? Hypocrite."
"No, that's not true, I'm doing this so he can be happy, and I'm doing this because I love him"
"Yeah, sure, you keep telling yourself that. You're just a little wimp, you can't stand the aftermath of what your goddamn raging hormones did so you want to wipe…"
"Shut up…"
"You disgust me. You think you're in pain?! Think about Junpei's parents!? What about them?! What about Izumi's parents, their little baby girl will never, EVER walk again. Wasn't she quite talented at volleyball? And Junpei's parents they'll make a big breakfast just for their darling son. They'll wait at the steps to the top floor hand in hand waiting for a groggy Junpei to bound down the stairs. But he'll never come now will he, never. You think YOU'RE in pain?! They don't even get the satisfaction of knowing who his killer was. Or why he did it.. but maybe why isn't important it's just so goddamn pathe…"
"SHUTUP!!" It stopped. The quite insistent buzzing of his thoughts stopped. You know you're going off your rocker when you start talking back to your thoughts. I rested my head against the wall and closed my eyes. The voice inside my head made me think, not much though. I had made up my mind; I knew what I had to do. A couple minutes wouldn't make a difference. I placed the shard of glass to my side, before pulling myself up. I walked over to my computer the pieces of glass poking my feet painfully; I sat down in front of my desk and pulled out a piece of paper and a pen. I scribbled furiously for three minutes before sitting up and examining my work.
"There you happy? Now they'll now. Now they'll know everything." I walked back to my previous spot of the floor and sat down. Tears filled my eyes as I glanced over the written note once more.
Dear anyone who this concerns,
Hey guys. It's Takuya. Do you remember him? Not the Takuya we've been seeing for the past weeks but the old Takuya. Do you remember? The one who played on the soccer team and flirted with all the girls? The one who was always last to bed and last up, swelling with unnatural energy? I hope you remember him, because I'd like to be known as him rather than the sad, pathetic Takuya I've become. If you're reading this, the new Takuya is not as much as a chicken shit as I thought, but I need to say something, for everyone. I am the one. I am the one who caused all this misery. I hurt Izumi. I stabbed her in the back with a knife; I know it sounds bad… it is. Izumi is a true friend, at anytime she could've told her parents that I was the one, but she didn't. She'll never walk again because of me. Thank you Izumi, for being one of the greatest friends I'd ever had. I'm sorry that I hurt you. If I could do it over again, I would never have done it. I love you with all my heart, I will miss you're cooking (no matter how inedible it was). Another recent tragedy befell us. Junpei's death. I must also take the blame for that. I hurt him…I remember minutes before he died…before I killed him, he forgave me. I don't know if I'll ever understand. All I know is Junpei was the most selfless person I've ever met, and my love is always with him too, he's probably up in heaven by now. You're probably wondering why, especially you, Mom and Dad. Don't worry you didn't go wrong, you were the best parents any kid could've asked for, I love you both. This was me. All me. I did this because I loved him. I loved him with all my heart. You know, you were right. I did it to protect you; I did it because I was jealous. Some might look upon it as raging hormones, but I truly do love you. I feel like I've known you before, I couldn't imagine a life without you. Kouji. I love you. I know these reasons don't justify what I did, I did something wrong, something that won't be forgiven. I'm sorry Izumi's parents, I'm sorry to the parents of Junpei. I'd say that I'd say hello to Junpei, but I'm not going to heaven, I'm going to hell. You are the best friends, the best parents, the best life, and I'm throwing it all away. I don't want to hurt anyone else. Sorry. That is all I can say. I know it means nothing. But that's all there is. That, and this. So remember me. Please. Please remember me.
Takuya.
Tears stained the paper now as I lay it beside me. This wasn't just a note; this was a goodbye note, a suicide note. Suicide. Was I really doing this? Was this really the right choice, the right thing to do?
"Enough questioning. If you're going to do it, just do it." The shard of glass was held delicately in my right hand. I flipped my left palm face up exposing my wrist. I scrutinized it for a moment. There would be a lot of blood.
"Blood your parents are going to have to clean up, while thinking about you doing just this" I shuddered, but now was not the time to go back; it was now, or never. I tightened the grip of the shard causing my hand to bleed.
"It's this, or living each day like a zombie Takuya, this or feeling nothing nothing at all" I was shaking. This was it then. The end. No more. I'll never see my parents again; I'll never see this house, never see sun. I'll never even see my beautiful Kouji again. I didn't even get to kiss him goodbye one last time.
"Suck it up. It's for them isn't' it? So just do it!" Another sob escaped my lips as I pushed the shard into the exposed skin on my left wrist. A word trembled on my lips and came out as a feather light whisper at first contact. The last word I'd ever say.
"Sorry"
AN: Yeah, I know. So as I see it, I can end the story with the next chapter … or… well you never know.
So if you want to find out what comes next . you better review ... I think I want seven before I post the next chapter . Bwha , I'm so evil.
