Lyrics to Why Don't You Get a Job? by The Offspring (1998)

"Loan, this living room is literally disgusting."

So began another day in the life of Loan Loud. It was Saturday, her brother, sisters, and Gwen were all preoccupied, and she thought she was going to get some alone time with her X-Station 6000, but noooo, Mom had to come along and fuck everything up just like she always did. Loan, your body stinks, take a bath; Loan, you've been wearing the same DOOM hoodie for two weeks, it's dirty and covered in food; Loan, get a job and stop acting like a child. It was enough to drive you out of your damn head.

Mom, you see, was a goooo-getter. She wore a power suit, carried a briefcase, and expected Loan to be some overachieving pussy who spent her life climbing ladders she didn't want to climb and gaining the respect of people she didn't like. To Mom, if you weren't carrying around a Blackberry like a junkie with a needle, you were a slacker and didn't apply yourself. Stop staying up all night playing MMORPGs and VCing with people on Discord. Get up early, Loan, give up your dreams and your passions to work in a cubicle like a respectable conformist.

Pfft. Might as well go to prison.

"Are you listening to me?" Mom demanded.

Loan ignored her and stared at the screen: Nazi vampires in white camo were swarming out of the snow. Her objective was to get past them and infiltrate Castle Von Strangelove, where Dr. Strangelove, the mad Nazi scientist, was building a doomsday weapon that would turn the entire world into the living dead. If…

The screen went dark and Loan's eyes widened. She turned her head, and her mother threw the cord onto the floor. "I am sick and tired of you doing this, young lady. Look at the filth." She gestured wildly. "Look at how literally nauseating this living room is."

Loan looked around. Empty Mountain Dew bottles, crumpled bags of Doritos, half eaten tacos from Taco Bell, loose Skittles, rotting Hot Pockets, and crumbs crowded the coffee table. The floor around her was littered with trash, bits of food, and used tissues from where she was too lazy to go to her room to jill off - the carpet was just as stained and sticky as the crotch of her sweatpants.

"I don't see a problem," she said defiantly.

Mom's brow shot up. "Because you are the problem."

Oh. Okay. That does wonders for my self-esteem. Thank you for that.

"You're twenty-one," Mom said with strained patience, "you live here rent free, you don't have to pay for literally anything. You do no chores, you don't cook, you don't clean, you don't babysit." She slapped her open palm on each point for emphasis. "The least you can do is pick up after yourself."

Sigh. Here we go again: A laundry list of reasons I'm the worst daughter ever. Are you going to give me a Powerpoint presentation too, Mom? Whip out the charts and graphs comparing me to everyone else? Why can't you be more like Liena? At least she keeps house. You can't even be bothered to do that.

No, it's not that I won't do it, I can't do it because I get overwhelmed. I can't help it. In fact, it's your fault: You're the one who decided to have an incest baby with your brother. Whatever problems I have are on you, lady.

"..and your father works so hard, then he has to come home to this pigsty left by his grown daughter. You need a job. You need to learn to drive…"

Loan rolled her eyes. Mom knew she couldn't drive. Every time she got behind the wheel she got overwhelmed and started to shake. She wasn't like Lacy or Lupa who could fool themselves into thinking they were hot shit; Loan knew she had issues, and she absolutely did not trust herself to pilot a two ton death machine filled with combustible liquid. She'd freeze up or do something wrong and BOOM. It'd make the car crash from From the Wreckage look like a fucking joke.

"...learn to do laundry and cook for yourself…"

And shrink my clothes and burn the house down? Didn't Mom remember the last time she 'cooked'? She added too much oil or something to the pan and the flames roasted the bottom of the range hood. She locked up and if Lyra didn't grab the fire extinguisher and put it out, the entire house would have gone up, and everyone in it, too.

"...bathe regularly like a normal person, and stop masturbating in front of everyone."

Loan stared at the darkened TV screen, her face set in a hard glower. She was starting to get overwhelmed, just like she always did when her mother bitched her out. And maybe a little hurt too.

Or a lot hurt.

I get it, I'm a piece of shit, do you really have to rub my face in it?

Yes, apparently, she did; she stood there with her arms crossed and her hip cocked, hair done up and glasses on her face because uh, I'm a hotshot business woman, uh. And bitch...bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch.

"...won't even watch the kids. You're irresponsible, unreliable…"

Watching the kids overwhelmed her most of all, especially Lulu and Lizy. Lizy always running around like a coke addict and Lulu was always doing weird X-Files shit. You want me to babysit her? What do I look like to you, Area 51? The normal ones are hard enough: Once, Mom left her in charge of Lacy, Liby, Lemy, and Leia (Lemy was, like, six), and by the end of the night, she was shaking...literally shaking...and the house was a disaster and she felt frozen. It was awful; she still dreamed about it sometimes.

Yeah, Mom, you're right, I am irresponsible, but I have a shit ton of phobias and anxiety issues; it's not like I do this for fun.

Did she care, though?

Nope.

All she cared about was Loan being a 'disappointment' and not 'living up to her expectations' and 'masturbating in front of her younger siblings' as though that was the worst thing ever. Oh, yuck, Loan has her hand down the front of her pants again. Pffft. Apparently sex is fine for public consumption around her unless it involved her. Ew, gross she's fingering herself to anime again! At least you don't see anything. But it's me, so, yeah, yuck.

Bunch of assholes.

And Mom was like that Aerosmith song Lyra liked: She just kept a'rollin'. "Piss, moan, bitch, wah-wah-wah, Loan you're terrible, Loan you're awful, you let me down, Loan."

She couldn't take it anymore.

She'd rather die.

Or find gainful employment.

"Fine," she said and dropped the game controller onto the floor, "I'll get a job."


Lizy sat at the kitchen table, her back ramrod straight and her hands folded in her lap. Across from her, Leia crossed her arms over her chest and stared at her expectantly, which made Lizy nervous. She darted her eyes away and drummed her fingers on her thigh. Leia's gaze didn't waver, and Lizy started to squirm like a bug under a magnifying glass. "Well?" Leia asked.

"Well what?"

Leia sighed. "You're supposed to be turning me on."

Huh? Oh, right. She had to be 'alluring' because that's what Lemy likes. Last night, Gwen, who was presently at the stove with Liena making spaghetti (yum) gave her a few pointers and now Leia wanted her to put them into action or something.

Propping her elbow on he table, she tilted her head to one side and threaded her fingers through her blonde hair. She completely blanked on what to say, so she put on her best I want to do grown up stuff with you look and batted her eyelashes. Leia lifted her brow. "So what did you want to talk to me about?" she asked. She was playing Lemy and Lizy was playing Lizy. They were simulating a date because she had to learn how to do it or something, she wasn't exactly clear:When Leia was explaining her reasoning, Lemy passed by in the hall wearing just his boxers, and Lizy got distracted. And hot.

"I just wanted to spend time with you" she said now, doing her best to pretend that the girl across from her was really her brother, "it's been so long since we hung out."

Leia shrugged. "I guess."

"Maybe after dinner we can hang out...in another way."

Leia frowned. "Uh...I'm actually busy after dinner."

"Too busy to spend time with your little sister?" Lizy asked and pouted. She didn't know if it was cute or not, but it was certainly supposed to be. Gwen told her to play the 'little sis card' and to not give up no matter how much he resisted.

At the stove, Liena picked up a pot, carried it over to the sink, and poured the contents into a strainer in the sink.

"Yes," Leia said.

"Maybe I can help," Lizy said, and remembered to bat her eyelashes again. "I'm really good at...doing things," she faltered.

"I have to fix my radio," Leia said, "it's broken and won't play my dumb classic rock anymore."

Lizy twirled a strand of hair around her finger. "I can be your helper and…" she didn't know what to say. Gwen and Leia both said she had to be suggestive and a tease, but being a tease was hard because up until yesterday the only teasing she knew about was the mean kind. Leia was watching her, and Lizy started to chafe. "Uh..use my mouth on you."

The old girl rolled her eyes. "You're coming on too strong."

"I don't know what to say," Lizy moaned.

Leia sighed. "You have to be sexy."

"I don't know how."

Gwen came over and sat a plate heaped with spaghetti in front of her, and the smell found Lizy's nose, making her stomach rumble. "Being sexy isn't that important," she said and put her hand on the little girl's shoulder. "He likes feminine girls, so that's what you have to aim for."

"No, she needs to be sexy," Leia declared as Liena sat a plate before her. "That's what Lemy likes."

Lizy sighed and rested her face in her hands. "I'll never be sexy."

"Yes you will," Gwen said, "just keep trying."

She did keep trying, but nothing worked! She was the most unsexy girl ever. Picking up her fork, she swirled the tines in the spaghetti then lifted it to her lips. "Maybe we need a new approach," Liena said.

"No," Leia shot back, "we need this approach. Lemy is already against the idea of being with her so she needs to drive him out of his mind with lust. In order to do that, she needs to appeal to his biggest turn-on."

Gwen opened her mouth to reply but stopped because she knew Leia was right just as well as Lizy did.

"Now if you'll excuse us, we have training to do."

Gwen and Liena looked at each other, then left. Leia was the expert in these matters, after all.

When they were alone, Leia leaned over the table. "You pretend to be Lemy now and watch what I do."

Lizy nodded. "Okay."

Leia spun her fork, lifted it to her mouth, and wrapped her lips around it slowly, seductively, her eyes locking with Lizy's. The little girl couldn't help feeling like she was a gazelle and Leia a lioness. "Can I help with your radio, Lemy? Please?" the older girl asked with a needy inflection. "I promise to do whatever you say."

Okay, Liz, think like Lemy. Gwen said he loves you and you're his favorite sister, but he's just not into you 'like that'...yet. "No, it's okay," she said, trying to let 'Lizy' down easy. "It's super hard and you won't like it."

Leia giggled. "Hmmm. I love hard things."

Okay, that sounded suggestive but - oh, wait! It's a pun or something because boys' things get hard and she's saying she likes when that happens. I see now, yes.

"Uh...you won't like this. You'll think it's dumb or something."

Leia got up and came around the table, her fingers trailing along its surface and her hips rolling provocatively. Lizy's throat tightened and her heart began to race; in that moment, she knew what it felt like to be a small animal backed into a corner by something larger and more vicious.

When Leia sat in her lap, she winced at her weight. "But, Lemy," she said and ran her fingers through Lizy's hair, "I'm a really good helper." She leaned over and pressed their noses together; her breath puffed hotly against Lizy's lips, filled her mouth and her nostrils like cloying perfume. "I'll do anything you want," Leia said and brushed her lips against Lizy's, her pupils dilating. "Anything."

Lizy swallowed thickly and tried to dredge up a reply, but her mind was just as frozen as her body. She didn't like Leia like she did Lemy, but for some reason her body was responding: She was starting to leak and her flesh burned with fever. "T-This is wrong," she said, not entirely sure if she was speaking as Lemy, Lizy, or both.

"Hmmm, no it's not," Leia said. She slipped off Lizy's lap and got down on her knees, her hands going to Lizy's legs and making her jump. "It's right and you know you want it." She brushed her bottom lip with her teeth and leaned forward. "It's okay...I do too." She rocked backwards and stared at Lizy. "At this point, you take his dick out and put it in your mouth. Then you pump until he cums and drinks every last drop."

Lizy frowned. "How do you do that?"

"You don't know anything, do you?" Leia asked, a hint of annoyance in her tone.

Lizy shook her head.

Getting to her feet with a sigh, Leia put her hands on her hips and favored Lizy with a frustrated gaze. "I guess I'll teach you that too." She crossed her arms. "Get a cucumber from the pantry…"


My friend's got a girlfriend

Man, he hates that bitch

He tells me every day

He says "man I really gotta lose my chick

In the worst kind of way"

Loan shoved her hands deep into the hips pockets of her jeans and kicked an empty Pepsi can along the sidewalk. This is dumb. It's cold, windy, and everything's so...open. Of everyone in her family, she was the tallest - freakishly tall, even - but out here, with no walls and endless sky, she felt tiny, lost, and dreadfully exposed. Her heart slammed a sickly beat against her ribs and she kept her eyes pointed at her feet; even so, she was painfully aware of how vast the world was, and it made her so anxious she twitched like a tweaker.

And when she got anxious, she got mean.

She sits on her ass

He works his hands to the bone

To give her money every payday

But she wants more dinero just to stay at home

Well my friend

You gotta say

In the two hours she'd been wandering Royal Woods, she shoved a little boy out of the way, flipped off a guy on his lawnmower, and punted a one-eyed, no tail cat into a bush. She came across three places with help wanted signs in the windows, but two wanted previous experience and the third required a driver's licence. You're too goddamn picky, she told the lady behind the counter at the last one. Mama, this is a delivery service. Driving is literally the job. Humph.

I won't pay, I won't pay ya, no way

Why don't you get a job?

Say no way, say no way, no way

Why don't you get a job?

This is gay. I hate work.

Well I guess it ain't easy doing nothing at all

But hey man free rides just don't come along

Every day

But if I don't find a job I'm gonna have to listen to Mom's harping, and my nerves can't take that shit. I hope I find a job and have an epic breakdown and she feels like shit. Maybe if it's really good the police will taze me and I can sue. A sharp smile touched her thin lips. How's that for work, Mom? I'll make more in one day then you'll make in your entire life; I'll buy the house and then you'll all have to listen to me.

Heh. Heh. Heh.

Yeah, that would rule.

At an intersection, she waited for a car to pass and swallowed. She was starting to get thirsty. She had a five dollar bill and Flip's was ahead on the right - she'd pop in, grab a Monster, then return to the Bataan Death March I mean job hunt.

The pedwalk light changed to green and she hurried across as quickly as she could; she hated crossing busy streets with a passion.

A few minutes later, Flip's appeared from between a medical supply warehouse and a vacant lot. The sign looming over the street was missing letters (F IP ') and the plate glass windows in front were so grimey you could hardly see through them. She crossed the parking lot - littered with trash because of course - and reached the door, pausing when her eyes fell on the handwritten sign taped to it.

HELP WHANTED

She glared. You misspelled wanted, dumbass.

Pulling the handle, she went inside.

Flip's was your typical gas station/convenience store: Coolers along the back wall, isles of chips and cupcakes, cigarettes and condoms behind the counter. The tile floor was sticky and lined with cracks, the overhead fluorescent lights flickered and hummed, and the smell of hotdogs and pizza wafted from the warming cabinet next to the soda fountain. Flip, thin and sickly looking, leaned against the counter, his elbows propped on the edge and an issue of Hustler covering his face. "Ooooh, yeah," he said, "work it, honey."

She hated Flip, but not as much as she hated hearing her mother's crap. Taking a deep breath, she walked over with a sour expression on her face. Flip looked up, and his brows angled down in a V. "I didn't know they let you out of the house," he said.

Loan sneered. "Can I have a job?"

Flip snorted as if the idea of her working was laughable. Shut up, you don't know me, old man, she thought. "Sorry, honey, you need two sets of genes to work here."

Every time she came in here, he made fun of her for being inbred. He was probably jealous because no one wanted to fuck him. "I have two sets of genes," she grumbled.

"Is that so?"

"Yes."

He seemed to consider a moment. "Have you ever mopped?"

"No."

"Cleaned a toilet?"

"No."

"Stocked shelves?"

"No."

He drew a deep breath and let it out through flaring nostrils. "I'd tell you to get lost, but I'm desperate. Tell you what, Deliverance, I'll start you right now at four dollars an hour. How's that sound?"

Loan blinked. "Minimum wage is -"

"Do you want the job or not?"

Fifteen minutes later, Loan stood in the middle of the store, a yellow, wheeled mop bucket at her left foot like a loyal pet and a name tag pinned to her sweater. Flip made it by hand. How kind. WRONG TURN, it said. Her fingers curled around the mop handle and she breathed deeply through her nose, each exhalation coming out as an angry hmmmmmm. Flip crossed his arms over his chest and stood in front of her, his head tilted back and his eyes dancing with malicious light. An ugly smile tugged at the corner of his lips, and the smug expression on his face made Loan feel two inches high.

This is humiliating.

"I want this floor to sparkle," he said. "Start by the beer cooler. There's a puddle." He nodded, and Loan followed his gaze. There was, indeed, something wet over there. "Don't worry, it's shallow. Like your gene pool." He cackled mad laughter and slapped his knee with a meaty thwack. Loan snarled but held her tongue: His jokes were better than Mom's griping. Turning away, she pushed the mop bucket over to the cooler, pulled the mop out, and slopped it against the floor with a wet plop.

Flip hobbled over and furrowed his brows. "Hey, hillbilly."

Loan tensed.

"You're supposed to wring it out first."

Wring it out? What the hell was he talking about? She stared blankly, and he huffed like a big, fat woman. Ambling over, he snatched the mop away and slapped the wet end into some kind of clamp thing, then pushed a lever. "Like this."

Muttering to herself, Loan watched, fantasizing about taking the handle and cramming it up his ass. When he was done, he handed it back. "There. Think you got it from here, The Hills Have Eyes?"

She grabbed the mop and turned away. She'd been an employee here less than half an hour and she was already thinking of walking out the door. The only thing stopping her was her mother. No, not the threat of her mother reaming her a new asshole, rather the threat of letting her down even more than she already had. She didn't show it often - because she couldn't - but she was indeed a person with feelings and emotions, and knowing that she disappointed her mother with every breath she took hurt like hell.

It was for that reason and that reason alone that she slapped the mop against the floor instead of across Flip's face. She drew it back and forth across the floor, starting with the stain and stepping back to hit the spot in which she was just standing. Flip watched from the sidelines with crossed arms, and not hitting him with a barb took so much self-control that Loan shook. Don't blow up, you need this job, don't blow up, you need this job…

Forty-five minutes later, she was done; her arms quivered with exhaustion and she panted for breath, but the floor was clean and sparkled under the lights. "There," she muttered to herself, sat the mop in the bucket, and leaned heavily against the counter, hands splayed and head bowed.

"You alright?" Flip asked from behind the register.

"Yeah," she said, "just tired."

The old man hummed. "Maybe if you had an extra chromosome you'd be okay." He slammed one hand against the counter and threw his head back in a mean-spirited laugh. That's not how it works, you stupid bastard, she thought and dug her nails into the countertop, pretending it was his eyes. "Christmas must be easy. Only one set of grandparents to buy for."

Yuk, yuk, yuk.

"Do you call your father Dad or Uncle Lincoln?"

He, he, he.

"Your family tree has one branch!"

A hot blush crept across the back of Loan's neck, and her teeth clenched together so hard her jaw ached. And still, kept going.

"Hey, Loud, why did the chicken cross the road? To fuck her brother!"

"If you have a kid with your old man, he'll be its father, grandfather, and great-uncle!"

"Least you won't have to change your name when you and your brother tie the knot!"

A hot ball of rage formed in Loan's chest and her hand balled into a fist. That's it, I'm gonna knock this bastard's teeth down his throat. Fuck him, fuck his job, fuck everything. She stood up to her full height, but before she could throw a punch, the bell over the door dinged. "Speak of the Devil," Flip said and brushed a tear from his eye. Loan turned to see Lemy crossing to the soda fountain; he was dressed in jeans, his military coat, and a black watch cap. He kept his gaze straight ahead, pointedly ignoring Flip.

"Half brother, full cousin," Flip commented. "What is it about him that turns you on, Loud? Is it knowing how screwed up riding his dick is? Or is it the family resemblance?"

Loan clenched and unclenched her fists. She didn't think she could take much more of this crap.

Across the store, Lemy grabbed a cup, held it under one of the fountains, and depressed the button.

Nothing happened.

He pressed it again, harder this time, and still, nada.

"Piece of shit," he growled and slammed it with the heel of his palm.

"Hey, Jethro! Break my soda machine and I'll break you."

Lemy glanced over, saw Loan, ane recoiled a little as if seeing her here, in public, was the most shocking thing ever. To be fair, it was: If Loan had her way she'd be home lost in a video game, where her only problems were running out of ammo or restarting a level, where the raging dumpster fire that was her life could be swept under a digital rug composed of ones and zeros. Instead, she was here with him, that fat old fuck who thought her being inbred was the spookiest meme ever (doot doot).

As soon as her shift was over, she was looking for another job...any job.

Settling for another selection, Lemy filled his cup, grabbed a straw and a lid from a dispenser, and came over to the counter. "What are you doing here?" he asked, then his eyes flicked to the name tag on her sweater. "Noooo," he said, the corners of his mouth turning up in a chessy I'm-a-baby-and-I-farted smile.

A smile that dropped a little. "Wrong Turn?" he asked and sat his cup on the counter.

"It's a movie, Loud," Flip said, "about inbreds. Just like you two."

Lemy shot him a dirty look and looked like he wanted to say something, but held himself back. "Five bucks," Flip said.

Digging in his pocket, Lemy pulled out a crumpled five and laid it on the counter. "I'm gonna ask you the same question I asked her," the old man said. "What about her turns you on? You see your Mama in her face?"

"Nothing about her turns me on," Lemy said quickly.

Loan's brows knitted angrily. Oh, so I'm not even good enough for the dweeb, huh? Dad's the only man who'll ever have you, Lupa said once. And half the time even he doesn't want you. They were arguing and Loan dismissed it as bullshit, but sometimes, as she lay awake at night struggling to quiet her demons long enough to fall asleep, she wondered.

"...doesn't make your pee pee stand up?" Flip was asking.

Lemy's nose crinkled. "No."

You're dirty, Loan; you're a slob, Loan; your feet stink and you literally need to get a job; you're a disappointment and I wish you were more like Liena.

I know I'm fucked up, okay? I know I'm not normal and I know I hide in my video games; I know I can't do anything without getting flustered and overwhelmed; I know I'm a slacker...but only because I screw up literally everything I try to do and disappoint my parents even more; I'm not dumb, I get it, but does everyone have to FUCKING RUB IT IN?

Strange, stinging wet shit welled in her eyes and she blinked it back.

"You're a goddamn liar, Loud," Flip said, "you wanna fuck your sister so bad I can see it in your eyes. You're like that guy from the meme, the one with the vein in his forehead."

Lemy gagged. "I'd rather stick my dick in a blender."

A strangled sob escaped Loan's throat, and, covering her face with her hands, she pushed away from the counter and flung herself toward the door. Flip and Lemy both looked after, Flip wincing when she shoved through and it slammed against the outside wall. For a moment neither spoke or moved, then Lemy spun to face the old man, his features hard. "What the fuck did you do to my sister?"

Flip looked stricken for a very, very very brief nanosecond...then his brow darkened. "I didn't do shit to her." There was a defensive edge in his voice.

"You were making fun of her," Lemy said.

Flip started to speak, but shrugged instead. "You were the one saying you didn't want her."

Lemy sighed and snatched his cup off the counter. "You're a fucking asshole." With that, he stalked out the door went after Loan.


Lizy stared nervously at the cucumber on the table before her: It was big, thick, and intimidating. "Add another two inches," Leia said, "and that's Lemy."

Oh.

Oh wow.

"Three more inches, and it's Dad."

The little girl's eyes widened. "Are they supposed to be that big?" She looked up at Leia, who stood by the table with her arms crossed. Gwen and Liena sat across from her, the latter frowning at the veggie and the former furrowing her brow. She knew Mr. Loud was big, but jeez, how could he fit it in anybody? Lemy was just over six inches, and that was enough to spread her walls and spear her cervix - which felt really good if he worked his way up to it and didn't just start pounding (she had to be nice and wet). Anything more and...shiver. A lot of girls at school made fun of boys with small penises, but frankly, she'd rather a small one than a monster one like Mr. Loud's - she would like to walk away, not roll away in a wheelchair. Then again, she didn't have to worry about a small one because Lemy's was anything but.

Ummmm.

She had to stop thinking about it or she'd start leaking into her panties

"No," Leia said, "the men in our family are hung. Lemy's normal size for a grown man but he has a lot of growing left to do." A closed-lipped smile ran across her face, and it was clear that she was looking forward to Lemy getting bigger. Why, Gwen didn't know, since she couldn't take her father. Then again, she was still growing as well. Gwen never said so out loud, but she was starting to suspect that Leia had a thing for Lemy. She was really flirtatious in general, but the way she looked at him, her eyes lingering and her teeth chewing her bottom lip, and the way she clung to him...yeah, she liked him.

Lizy looked from her sister to the vegetable and sucked her bottom lip fearfully in. "I know it looks a little scary," Gwen said, "but it's really not. Lemy…" she stopped and considered for a moment. "You love him and when you get there and actually see it...how beautiful it is...you won't be scared at all."

"Umhm," Leia said.

Liena tilted her head. "I don't think I've ever seen Lemy's thing."

"You're missing out," Leia and Gwen said in unison.

Sitting back in her chair, Liena let out a long, thoughtful hum. Interesting, it seemed to say, I should, like, totes check it out for myself. There's another one for ya, Freak. At this rate, the poor guy's dick was going to fall off.

Picking up the cucumber, Leia held it out to Lizy, who simply stared at it with trepidation. "You have to work on your technique."

Gulping, Lizy took it and examined it as though it were a strange and alien artefact. Leia produced a magazine from thin air and opened it. "Luckily, I have a subscription to Cosmo and they talk about nothing but sex. Seriously, they're worse than Penthouse." She licked her finger and flipped through the pages while Lizy grimaced nervously at the gord. "Aha," Leia said and folded the magazine, "How to Give the Perfect Blowjob by Abby Script. She's an expert. Kind of a slut, but an expert nonetheless."

Gwen lifted her brow. Oh? I seem to remember you blowing a guy in a dumb hat for money and drinking his cum like it was Sunny D.

Clearing her throat, Leia began to read:

"Blowjobs don't get the greatest depictions in the media, especially in porn. There's lots of mouth-fucking, forced gagging, and getting ejaculated on in demeaning ways. In real life, blowjobs can be an incredibly fun experience for the giver. Here's how to give a great blowjob and enjoy it at the same time."

Lizy turned the cucumber over in her hands and pursed her lips.

"On average, men take three to five minutes to orgasm, so you don't usually need to worry about finding a position that - dah da dah." She flipped to the next page and shook her head. "This woman is so long winded. Oh, here we go:

You can warm him up a bit by rubbing his dick over his underwear with your hand,

but try to get to work relatively quickly. Most men I've spoken with don't like an excessive amount of teasing. Some have said it even feels a little uncomfortable or ticklish. If you're going to tease, try slipping a tongue or finger beneath the waistband of his underwear before pulling them off, or holding his dick in your hand while you ask him what he wants you to do with it.

If he's not fully hard right after you take off his clothes, take advantage of the situation by taking his entire penis into your mouth and swirling your tongue around it while he grows bigger. It might be the only time you're able to get the full thing in your mouth, so have fun!"

Leia snorted. "Even when he's soft I can't get it all in."

"Me either,"Gwen said. "Well...I can but it makes me gag."

Lizy winced.

"If he's already erect, start at the base of his penis and make a few long, slow licks from the base to the tip. Keep your tongue broad and flat."

Liena's eyes lit up. "That's what I do to Dad! He, like, says I'm the best." She said this with glowing pride.

"Once you're ready to get down to business, you'll want to get his dick nice and wet and establish a good baseline technique. Slide your mouth up and down his penis a few times, keeping your tongue pressed against the underside of his dick. You want to try to maintain a tight seal with your mouth, without allowing any contact with your teeth. Try to gather up as much saliva as you can, and slowly let it fall out of your mouth as you traverse his dick. Don't worry about getting too sloppy at this point; the wetter the better!"

Flipping the page, Leia nodded. "Same thing when he goes down on you. His spit mixes with your girl cum and uhhh." She threw her head back and purred.

Lizy was paying attention now, her cheeks red and her breathing shallow; the cucumber trembled slightly in her hand and the tip of her tongue darted out to wet her quivering lips. Call Gwen a perv, but Lizy was really cute when she was turned on.

Humph. I said I was a little bi the other day, but I'm starting to think it's more than just a little.

"Once you've gotten him lubed up, use your hand and mouth in tandem. Most people's mouths aren't big enough to accommodate an average-sized penis, so your hand can help you get more coverage. Your can use your hand to stimulate the majority of the shaft, and your mouth to stimulate the head. The shaft tends to be the least-sensitive part of the male genitalia, so you can use more pressure than you might think. The head of the penis is much more fine-tuned to stimulation, so your warm, wet mouth will be gladly welcomed. Firmly wrap your dominant hand around the base of his penis, like you're giving it a good handshake. Bring your lips down to meet your hand. Pretend that your mouth and your fist are glued together, and move up and down his penis for a minute or two. This will be your standard move that you can return to at any point."

Lizy's blush burned deeper and she she squirmed in her seat, no doubt rubbing her legs together as she imagined her doing that to Lemy. Gwen felt the urge to get up, go to her, and eat her pussy until she came. I know it's kind of wrong, but the thought of giving the little girl her first real orgasm - of making her knees shake and sending tendrils of electric pleasure pulsing through her body - made Gwen hot, and now it was her turn to squirm.

Humming, Leia scanned the page. "This part is about playing with his balls, but he doesn't really like that. This part is about playing with his butt hole; he definiately doesn't like that." She flipped the page. "Oh, okay." She looked at Lizy over the top of the magazine. "Do you plan to spit or swallow?"

"Uh...spit or swallow what?"

"His cum," Leia said impatiently, "what else?"

The little girl looked to Gwen for guidance. "You could do either," Gwen offered hesitantly.

"What's...what's it like?"

Gwen had to think for a minute. "It's...it's thick...and warm...kind of like snot."

Lizy's nose crinkled in disgust.

"And salty. It doesn't taste the best, but it's not all that bad either. When I do it, the fact that I just made him cum and now I'm swallowing him really turns me on." She flashed a nervous smile. Leia nodded her agreement and idly flipped the page. "It's really intimate," Gwen continued, "and having, like, his essence in my mouth and on my tongue and in my stomach is so hot."

Lizy considered the matter for a moment, then grinned. "That does sound hot." Her eyes darted to the cucumber and her brow pinched cutely. "So...I just do what the magazine said?"

"Yes," Leia said.

Sighing apprehensively, Lizy held the gourd vertical in her hand and leaned tenatatively in. "Just imagine it's Lemy," Gwen said. "And show him how much you love him."

With a determined nod, Lizy closed her eyes, tilted her head forward, and pressed the tip of her tongue tentatively to 'Lemy's' shaft.

"Broad and flat," Leia reminded her.

"You can curl your tongue when you reach the top, though," Gwen added.

Lizy's eyes went from Leia to Gwen, then crossed when she looked directly at the vegetable. She licked slowly to the tip, then glanced at Leia for what to do. "Put your lips against the head, then go down."

Lizy molded her lips to 'Lemy's' tip.

"Watch your teeth," Gwen said, "you don't want to hurt him."

Closing her eyes, Lizy slid the cucumber into her mouth and her cheeks sank inward. She moved with agonizing slowness, her forehead wrinkling unpleasantly. When the head touched the back of her throat, she gagged and whipped her head away, the light filtering through the window shimmering on the gourd's spit-slicked length. She fisted her hand to her mouth and coughed and wretched, her tiny frame shaking. Leia sighed deeply and Liena frowned in concern.

When she had control of herself, Lizy turned back to the cucumber and glared. She couldn't walk in heels and she couldn't be suggestive like Leia, but, God help her, she was going to give Lemy the best blowjob ever...even if it killed her.

She wrapped her fingers around the veggie's base, brought it to her lips, then bobbed her head down, making sure to keep her tongue broad and flat, just like the magazine said. As she did this, she stroked her hand up and down the shaft. "Do what feels right," Gwen said, "don't push yourself."

What else did the magazine say? She closed her eyes and tried to remember. Something about a lot of spit and keeping your tongue against his underside. She worked up as much saliva as she could and pulled back so that it could dribble down the gourd's shaft. She curled her tongue a little and lashed the veggie with it, then bobbed her head down, purposely prodding the back of her throat. She felt the urge to gag, but she ignored it.

Drawing all the way back, she licked the tip then looked at Leia. "Is that okay?" she asked hopefully.

Leia hummed indecisively. "Well, obviously you have to keep going until he nuts."

"How long does that take?"

"Depends on how good you are," Leia replied. "And how turned on he is. I can make him cum in three minutes...whether he wants to or not." She took out her phone, swiped her finger across the screen, and looked up. "I'm going to time you. Three minutes."

Lizy nodded.

Leia jabbed the screen. "Go."

Lizy formed her lips to the cucumber's tip and pressed down, her tongue flat against its bottom; she pushed to her limit then back, then down again, working up excess saliva as she went. Some dripped down the vegetable's hilt and smeared against her hand, which reminded her to stroke. She flicked her eyes up to Gwen and Liena: The latter looked uncomfortable and the former was blushing while Leia watched with the cool appraisal of a master teacher.

Each time the cucumber poked the back of her throat, Lizy winced a little, but every time, it became easier, the urge to gag less pressing. Two minutes in, however, her jaw began to ache really bad, and she slackened her pace. "Work through the pain, honey," Gwen said.

Steeling herself, she picked up speed again, bobbing her head furiously and swishing her saliva around the veggie's body. Hot fingers of pain crept up the sides of her face and wormed their way into the middle of her brain, and she went faster still; tears sprang to her eyes and she squeezed them tight. She couldn't stop, she couldn't give up, she had...to...do...this...right.

"She's, like, really working it," Liena said appreciatively.

Her jaw was cramping now, the pain spreading and circling around her forehead like a clamp. More tears brimmed in her eyes and spilled down her cheek.

"Alright," Leia said.

Lizy pulled the cucumber out of her mouth and gasped for air. Ow, that really hurt.

When Lupa spoke behind her, everyone jumped. "What are you doing?"

"Teaching Lizy to suck dick," Leia said matter-of-factly.

Lupa hummed.

"She's really into Lemy, so we're helping her," Liena added.

"I know a thing or two about Lemy," Lupa said, "maybe -"

"Uh, have you slept with him?" Leia asked haughtily.

"No," Lupa said, "but -"

"Then you don't really know him," Leia said dismissively.

A dark shadow flickered across Lupa's face. "Yes I do," she said.

Leia rolled her eyes. "You don't know a man until you've pillow talked after having sex with him. You don't know Lemy and we don't need your help, sweetie."

Lupa opened her mouth as if to speak...then sighed, turned, and walked out.

"My jaw hurts," Lizy moaned and rubbed her cheeks.

Leia rolled her eyes. "You need to build your endurance. Do it again."

"But -"

"Again."

Sighing, Lizy did it again.


Lemy found his oldest sister two blocks away, sitting on the curb next to a fire hydrant with her face buried in her knees; she trembled slightly, and as he walked up, she uttered a choking sob that pierced his heart like shrapnel.

Seeing your sister cry is bound to fuck you up (unless you're stone cold), but this wasn't any sister, this was Loan, whom he didn't even think had tear ducts. The only emotions he'd ever seen from her were unamused, grumpy, and hair-pullingly overwhelmed. Sad? Eh, he guessed. Sobbing? Never.

As he stalked along the sidewalk after her, his rage at Fip turned to worry; if she was crying, something had to be seriously wrong. He knew that old fuck was making fun of her because that's how he got his sick jollies, but Loan wasn't the thin-skinned type. He thought. He really didn't know, but she seemed like it, ya know? Even despite her anxiety. Flip must have said some really fucked up shit to make her break down like that.

I oughta knock that son of a bitch on his fat ass.

Yeah, that sounded sweet, but right now finding Loan was more important.

Presently, he went over to her and reached out a tentative hand. "Hey," he said softly and touched her shoulder, "you alright?"

She pulled away. "Leave me alone," she said thickly.

Lemy weren't no bitch (okay, maybe a little), but Loan always kind of scared him. Not like damn, brah, I'm really scared, look at me shake but like...wary. That's the word. Jeez, I gotta stop smoking that pot, it's turning my mind to mush. He was wary of Loan the way one might be a large and unfamiliar dog: Is that thing gonna bite me? It looks like it's gonna bite me. Every instinct in his body told him to leave her alone and retreat to a safe distance. He was a stubborn little bastard, though, so instead he sat down between her and the hydrant and pulled his knees to his chest. Loan drew a deep, watery sigh and turned her head away from him.

What do I say? I'm not really the best at comforting people, especially if they're...ya know...Loan. Our relationship isn't the closest. Or close at all, really. We're virtually strangers when you get right down to it. She does her thing, I do mine, and we meet for dinner or pass in the hall like ships in the night. That's it.

Kind of sad when you think about it.

But anyway, I know her on a surface level, but not deep. I know Lyra and Lupa on a deeper level because we've talked, we've shared our thoughts and aspirations, and all that other gay shit. I even know Leia on a pretty deep level; she likes to cuddle and talk after we have sex, and we've had sex a lot, so we've talked a lot. Underneath that haughty I'm-so-much-better-than-you-plebs exterior, she's…

That's not important. Loan's messed up and I don't know what to do or what to say.

Sighing, he stared across the street at the facade of a little pink house and struggled to come up with something. "Really, what's wrong?" he finally asked.

"Nothing."

"No, it's something," he pressed. "Was it Flip? What was his bitch ass saying?"

Loan didn't reply.

"Whatever he said, just ignore him. He's, like, ninety and he's on his way out. Don't - "

"It wasn't Flip," she croaked, and Lemy turned to her. She faced away, her matted-blonde head resting on her folded arms. "Not entirely."

His mind flashed back to the things he said back at Flip's. I'd rather stick my dick in a blender and nothing about her turns me on. Did...did that offend her?

"W-Was it me?" he asked.

Loan didn't speak.

"It was, wasn't it?"

"A little," she said.

His stomach sank. "Look, I didn't mean it like that. I just...you're, you know…"

"It's fine," she said. "I'm an ugly loser and no one likes me. I get it."

Lemy furrowed his brow. "What are you talking about? If Flip said -"

"He didn't," Loan said, "and he doesn't have to. I know what I am." She took a deep, shivery breath. "I'm a fucking mess and everything I do comes out wrong. Mom's disappointed in me, Dad's disappointed in me, and no matter how hard I try, I can't change." She broke down crying, her breath hitching and her shoulders shaking with the force of her sobs. "I can't change who I am," she moaned, "I can't."

In Lemy's admittedly limited experience, there are several types of crying. Loan's came from deep inside, like dark red blood oozing from a stomach wound. It was sharp, stinging, and miserable. Some unseen hand reached into Lemy's center, grabbed his guts in an icy grip, and ripped them the fuck out. Loan wrapped her arms around her knees and stared at them, her head bowed and her dirty hair obscuring her face.

Scooting closer, he laid his hand on her shoulder and gave a reassuring squeeze. She didn't try to pull away this time; she just sat there like a catatonic woman lost in the chambers of her own mind, her body tense and rigid under his touch. He tried to think of something to say but...she was kinda right. I mean...she is a mess. She has anxiety problems, depression, a sorta dickish attitude, she's a slob, she doesn't bathe the way she should, and she did nothing but play video games - pure escapism, probably.

Still, she's my sister and even though she's a stranger and kinda scares me, I love her.

"You don't need to change who you are," he said haltingly, his words sounding contrived to even him, "you're great."

Loan sighed. "No, I'm not. I'm a wreck." She wiped her eyes with the heel of her palm and sniffed deeply.

"No, you're not," Lemy said, "you're...I mean, yeah, you have issues, but we all do."

"Not like mine," Loan said. "It's like being crippled. Sometimes I care, but most times I just don't give a shit. No one else does, so why should I?" Her voice cracked and she hugged her knees tighter, rocking back and forth, back and forth. She was a tall girl and not exactly slender, but in that moment she looked small, fragile, like a baby bird alone on the ground with a broken wing. Something stirred in Lemy's chest, and moved him to put his arm around her shoulder. Maybe it was the natural male instinct to protect and nurture a woman or maybe it was something else; he didn't know, and he didn't care, he just pulled her close. She resisted at first, then allowed herself to be drawn to his chest.

The sweaty scent of her unwashed hair and her dirty clothes pinched his nostrils, but he ignored it and rested his head against the side of hers. For a long time neither of them spoke, one staring into space and hating herself and the other trying desperately to find a magic combination of words to ease her pain. "Dad and your mom aren't disappointed in you," he finally said, "they just...they want what's best for you and...you know...parents can be dickish about shit like that."

Loan sucked a deep breath and blew it out. "I disappoint them," she dissented, "especially my mom. She wouldn't harp on me the way she does if I didn't."

"She does that because she loves you," he said, "if she didn't, she'd ignore you. She thinks...I mean, you know how she is. She's...like...uptight and stuff."

He didn't want to say too much about Lori because, c'mon, you don't shit talk someone's mom like that, but in his opinion, she was overbearing, demanding, and kind of a half-hearted tiger mother. She rode Loan's ass, and, you know, she wasn't wrong to, but...apparently it made Loan think she was a loser and a fuck-up or something, and that's bullshit. He knew all too well how that felt, and he wouldn't wish it on his worst enemy much less his sister.

"But she's right," Loan said flatly. She stared straight ahead, her face ashen and streaked with tears.

Lemy scrunched his lips in thought. He didn't want to lie to her, but he didn't want to tell her the whole truth either. Yeah, the truth sets you free, but it also hurts like a motherfucker, and Loan was hurting enough as it was. Finally, he compromised. "You have some...areas you can improve on, but, like I said, everyone does."

"What about you?" she asked, and turned her head, facing him full on for the first time. Her naturally icy blue eyes were pink rimmed and filled with unshed tears.

"Me?" he asked with a shocked chuckle. "I'm all fucked up."

"No you're not," she said and looked him up and down, "you're...normal. Kind of a dweeb, but that's it. You can walk outside and not start to feel panicky, you don't get so depressed you can't even summon the energy to take a shower, you don't...you don't sit there and hate yourself so much you wish you died in the womb." She met his gaze and held it, her eyes pooled with a dark intensity that shocked Lemy. In the brief moment before she turned away again, he saw deep wellsprings of simmering pain.

He knew she had problems, but he never suspected it was that bad.

"No, I'm not normal," he heard himself saying, "I'm screwed up. I really am. I'm...I'm better, but...before...I was isolated, you know? I felt like Dad didn't care about me because he spent all his time with you and everyone else. On my birthday, he comes through the door, grabs Lupa, and goes off to fuck her...and, you know, 'happy birthday, son,' over his shoulder like I was an afterthought."

His stomach clutched as he remembered the pain, the pain he buried deep and pretended wasn't there. "I know it sounds petty, but a lot of it had to do with sex. Everyone did it with Dad and, yeah, I was super horny - which makes sense now knowing about Lisa's little Chernobyl back in the day - and that had me really fucked up. I saw everyone else having it and I wanted it physically, but I wanted it emotionally too, you know? The connection...the-the bonding, but no one wanted me, and I felt like I wasn't good enough, like no one loved me."

He paused for a moment. "It sounds kind of dumb when I try to articulate it, but, suffice it to say, I was in a lot of pain and I was totally alone. And depressed. I still get depressed sometimes...and there's no reason, it just happens."

Loan nodded. "I feel like that. Alone."

"Yeah, but you have Dad. I didn't have anyone. No one I felt like I could talk to. I was, like, you know, guarded because I figured no one cared, so what point was there in saying anything?"

Loan didn't immediately reply. "I'm like that with Mom. She acts like she doesn't care about my problems, like it's a stubbed toe and I should just suck it up, and that makes me feel even worse, as though a stronger person, a better person, really could get a grip and I'm just too weak and pathetic to do it." She shook her head. "Maybe I am."

"No, you have serious stuff going on, and I think your mom just...maybe she just doesn't get it, or maybe she does and this is her trying to get you to overcome it."

"Well, it's not working," Loan said.

"You should talk to her, ma -"

Loan's head whipped around, and there was panic in her eyes. "N-No, I-I-I can't, I-I can't take the confrontation."

Say what? "You're always confronting people."

"No," she said, "I'm pushing them away."

Lemy blinked.

Her eyes darted down. "Plus...not with Mom. I'm...I'm ashamed, and being around her makes it worse." She blinked as if against tears and wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her sweater.

For a moment he hesitated...then cupped her cheek in his hand. She lifted her face, tears brimming over and spilling down her cheeks. Despite the anguish, despite her sallow skin, despite the smattering of whiteheads at her temples from not washing enough, she was beautiful, and Lemy felt a familiar stirring in his chest.

"You don't have anything to be ashamed of," he said and brushed his thumb across the ridge of her cheekbone, "you're great." He tilted his head to one side in acquiescence. "An acquired taste - and hard shelled - but great nonetheless."

Her eyes darted in an inverted triangle from his eyes to his mouth and back again, then the corners of her lips turned slightly up. "Thanks," she said. Their gazes met, and Lemy felt himself being drawn toward her as if by a magnant. Loan drew forward too, her head tilting to one side. The tips of their noses brushed, and then their lips touched. For a second they stared into each other's eyes, their breaths heavy and mingling, then Lemy flicked his tongue out and tasted her mouth. She hesitated, then gave into the moment and kissed him back, her hands going to his chest and her tongue swirling around his in a slow, clumsy waltz that quickly gained speed as they each found the other agreeable and their passions began to rise. Lemy slipped his fingers into her hair and stroked his other hand down the slope of her throat; her pulse pounded wildly under his thumb and his dick hardened in response to her body's excitement. She gripped the front of his shirt and yanked him closer, their teeth scraping but neither one caring. She ran her hands over his face and through his hair, and he ran his over hers. Their tongues lashed and flopped, saliva dribbled down their chins, their lips smooshed and worked, making obscene squelching sounds.

They pulled slowly apart, a long ribbon of drool connecting them. Both panted, both trembled. Loan's eyes were different now, like Lemy had never seen them: They were soft, hazy, and dark like a forbidden chest of wonders. Their tongues both hung from their mouths, and as Lemy drifted back, she licked his and giggled. It was a sound he was not accustomed to, beautiful on its own but more beautiful because of it rarity.

"I was going to go back to work," she said, "but fuck that. Let's go home."

Before he could reply, she grabbed his hand, dragged him to his feet, and weaved her fingers through his. He was vaguely aware of the boner pushing out the front of his jeans as she led him home and felt a rush of shame that evaporated when he caught sight of the dark patch between her legs.

Everyone who passed them on the way knew exactly where they were going and exactly what they were going to do, and for some reason, that made it even hotter.

Guess I'm an exhabitionist, too, Lemy thought.

Make another notch on the Bedpost of Fetishes.

Grinning to himself, he slipped his arm around Loan's hips, and she looked down at him with a soft smile that made her face absolutely radiant.

Secretly, he always wondered what Dad saw in her…

But now...now he didn't.