It's All In the (Chaotic) Family 8 By: Vyce Dryke, 2010

A hungry psychic eye roved the subsector, looking for traces of it's prey, the soul-less beast that controlled the eyes darted it to and fro, hissing and snapping his teeth in the air, it's massive frame and impressive wingspan nearly taking up the room it was in, chittering as it searched.. and searched.. and then it found it, suddenly, the entire fleet knew, and the monsters screeched out loudly, and then a large club-like appendage smacked the winged creature, and it winced.

"Moooooom!" hisses the Hive Tyrant, whipping around and glaring at the Dominatrix behind it, the literal heart of the Tyranid fleet.

"Keep it down. I'm TRYING to sleep." grumbles the massive beast, retracing it's arm.

"But mother. We're excited, can't you feel it?" complains the Tyrant

"All this excitement about some scrap of paper from this place called Terra offering coupons for this.. this.. Papa Johns. And so we gather our segment of the great fleet of the Hive Mind, and head out to find it in this miserable sector where we've ALREADY sent the Hive Mind's minions." the Dominatrix huffs, glaring at the smaller Hive Tyrant, "I tried to object, but you know how excited the Hive Fleet back home gets at the mention of food, even better if it's free."

The Winged Tyranid ponders this, "Mom, I have a question. If we're controlled by the Hive Mind, how do we have free will?"

"Well my dearest Thabharudaz," it says, noticing the Hive Tyrant wince at the name, "The Hive Mind has Psychosis and it likes to talk to itself because it doesn't have company."

"That explains everything," grumbles Thabharudaz, "And I hate that name, you know everyone calls me Daz, should I start calling you Roxana again?"

The Dominatrix hisses, "Just wait until your father hears about this."

"He isn't even here, does it even matter?" grumbles the Tyrant, folding it's wings, "Look we're almost there, we can talk about this later."

"We'll talk... later..." grumbles the Dominatrix.

Elsewhere...

"So you mean I'm going about this the wrong way?" Iggy asks, reading a dataslate next to the pool, Arafalas looking over his should.

"Of course. Just because you've been embaressed in the eyes of the Void Dragon by Lord Drake doens't mean you can't take revenge on him by killing him. The Voide Dragon would be pleased!"

"Oh. So that's what this is about.." the Necron Lord says flatly, "Ar you sure you're only trying to help me so you can get Lord Drake killed without Lord Corrack knowing you did it. They are close allies, so I hear."

Arafalas glares, "That's completly unrealted to this situation."

"Completly related." insists Iggy

"What's it matter?" Arafalas scoffs "What are you reading anyway?"

"Mormota's guide to being a Necron lord," states Iggy.

"Not that I'm an expert on the Necron language, but is that upside down?

"That's not possible. I should know the diff-" starts the Necron Lord, before Arafalas interrupts by flipping the dataslate over, "Oh... Ohhhh... It all makes sense now."

"You're hopeless..." grumbles Arafalas, walking away.

"I HEAR THEM!" shouts Sawblade, walking out of the house, "THEY'RE COMING!"

"That's what you said last time," Ezra says, not looking up from his book titled 'The EMPRA and you: What to do now that we've FEHLED THE EMRPA!'.

"This time is different." insists Sawblade, towering over the sitting Space Marine.

"You said that last time too." sighs Ezra

"I'm serious!" hisses the Hive Tyant.

"Maybe his Antenna is out of whack." Arafalas says with a smirk, walking up to the Tyranid and the Space Marie, "I could do some maintenance on him."

"ANTENNA! For the love of the dark gods and Khorne's unholy space boots I'd murder a few planets just for some BASIC CABLE" Lord Drake growls, "I can't get ANYTHING on Satellite."

"That's because you blew it up when we got here in the first place you moron." Ezra says, looking up, "I told you we should have gotten Comcast."

"No! It has to be something else. Even in the grim darkness of the far future ANYTHING is better than Comcast." growls Lord Drake, climbing onto the roof of the house, inspecting the satellite dish that was full of holes, "Maybe I should hit it harder. That always seems to work." the Chaos Lord hits it a few times, making louder noises "Curses! I knew we should have gone with DirectTV instead of DishNetwork!"

"We could still call Comcast." Ezra says, putting his book down.

"We can't! I DESTROYED THEM! You know why Horus left? He was sick of COMCAST! You know why Boreale Failed? COMCAST. The Imperium? COMCAST!" Drake hisses and spits, tearing the satellite dish apart, smashing it into tiny pieces, then sets the pieces on fire, and then starts to eat them.

"Drake.. I don't thin-" Ezra starts.

"Silence! I'll gain the power of the satellite dish!" growls Drake, munching on satellite dish pieces.

"Dra-" Ezra start.

"Don't bother. It's a lost cause..." Arafalas says with a smirk, placing her hand on Ezra's shoulder, "Maybe you should just kill him."

Ezra pushes Arafala's hand off of him, "And be annihilated from orbit? I'll pass."

Arafalas huffs, "How come nobody wants to help me kill Lord Drake? Not the failure of a Necron Lord, not the Hive Tyrant, not the Space Marine, not the Tau, Ork, or that Eldar. What do I have to do to kill a Chaos Lord around here?" the Dark Eldar stalks off, going back into the house.

Drake stares upwards "So does anyone know why the sky is going dark? Did someone change the channel on the sky?"

"Huh?" Itsu asks, looking upwards.

"If so, I want the remote. I'll set it to warp storm or something hideous... like supernova or black hole. Is there a setting for the Eye of Terror?"

"Silence you fool! The Hive Fleet I was always talking about is here!" Sawblade exclaims

"You do know the producers set up orbital defenses and one on the ground right?"

"I've seen no such thing..." Sawblade says suspiciously, looking around.

Suddenly the ground shakes and the entire house is lifted, lawn and all behind the gathered warriors, slowly revealing a massive bombardment cannon. It swivels upwards, taking the house with it, aiming at a growing silhouette in the sky. It fires, and knocks everything over in the house and the immediate vicinity, and eventually slams into the silhouette.

Lord Drake stares at the cannon as it retracts, "WAIT! COME BACK! I LOVE YOU!" the gun slams back into place into the ground, and the Chaos Lord digs furiously at the ground. He's too distracted to notice as a Hive Ship falls from the sky and crashes behind the house.

"They send only a SINGLE Hive Ship? That cannot be... Unless..." Sawblade starts, walking towards the fallen beast as the others follow from behind, heavily armed.

"Mooooooom!" comes the whine of a Hive Tyrant.

"How was I supposed to know there was a giant cannon?" the Dominatrix hisses, "I told you we should have sent Genestealers, but you never listen."

"There was never any giant cannons shown on the show before!" protested the Hive Tyrant.

Sawblade stares "Oh no. Not them."

"Them?" Istu inquires.

"Thabharudaz dear, why does that Hive Tyrant look familiar?" the Dominatrix asked.

"Mother! Daz! D-A-Z. Got it memorized?" the Hive Tyrant complains, looking over to Sawblade. "I don't know, they all look the same to me."

"I think it was.. what was it. Nidsexmis? Mardi Gras? Last weeks fiesta?" the dominatrix continues to ponder.

"Them. I think this is the blundering Hive Fleet Bahamut." Sawblade says, not amused as he adjusts his monocle and top hat.

"Oh well no matter. The invasion seems to have failed already. We -really- should call a Tyranid Cab. They're around here somewhere." sighs the Dominatrix

"We can't just give up!" complains Daz

"I just did." says the large Tyranid, looking to Sawblade again, "Do I know you?"

"Of course you do, we're all part of the same Hive Mind." the Dominatrix says

Sawblade snort, "No we're not. You got separated from us ages ago. I'm surprised they're even letting you anywhere NEAR the galactic plane."

"What?" squeaks Daz

Iggy sneaks up on the Dominatrix.

"Was I married to you?" Asks the Dominatrix

"No. Tyranids don't marry remember?" Daz says

"I could have sworn..." the large Tyranid says

Daz rolls his eyes, "Mother, I told you not to eat the TV Satellite on the way in."

"HAH! I TOLD YOU!" Drake hisses, covered in dirt, "It's possible to eat the Satellite and then suddenly have TV. But it's all soap operas!"

"So you mean the show about the independent, morally upright feminist, who is always dressed garishly in designer wedding wear Who is shocked to find her vengeful sister-in-law plotting to kill her with a random relative who wants her out of the picture. And then the concerned daughter intervenes to save her mother's honour. But, Alas! In all the moral sermoning and the ensuing chaos, her husband falls over a cliff and his body is never found?" asks the Dominatrix.

"All that without breathing." Itsu says, tilting his bulbous head.

"I must know your secrets!" demands Drake, single-handedly tackling the Dominatrix, only ending up being dangled by a claw.

"I had to miss the season finale because somebody had to record 'Genestealers Gone Wild' over my soaps!" snaps the Dominatrix, "Who is this little morsel?" the Dominatrix asks, inspecting Drake, "And does he know what happens after Noah operates on Laughlin? When Rex retaliates against the detective while driving? And when Charlie impersonates Cade?"

"No?" offers Drake, dangling still.

"Mother!" hisses Daz

"Lovely, first we have the motley crew of misfits and now we have a Tyranid obsessed with Soap operas." sighs Itsu

"I MUST KNOW!" snaps the Dominatrix.

"So does anyone know what this button does?" drones Iggy, prodding a pedestal with his gauss flayer.

"Does it say anything?" ask Istu, walking over to the Necron Lord.

"Duex Ex Machina? Does that mean anything to you?" Iggy asks, looking up at the Wraithlord.

"Can somebody let me down? I need to call to replace the satellite dish, and then the satellite." Drake dangles more, crossing his arms and grumbling.

"I don't think you should touch the button." Istu warns.

"I think we should! I -love- buttons." yells Drake, batting at the large Tyranid.

Iggy shrugs, "I'm a Necron. I'm eternal. Even if the entire planet explodes I'll be transported back to the nearest Monotlith and restored." he pushes the button, sirens pop out of the ground all over and alarms sound.

"Warning. Warning. Duex Ex Machine activated. Please state the nature of the plot emergency." drones a electronic voice from nowhere and everywhere at once.

"What the hell? I think I've heard of this.." Istu says, pulling out a dusty book from the webway.

"Where's that from?" Ezra asks, walking over.

"It's from the Black Library." the Eldar says, amusement in his voice.

"I thought that was impossible to find!" protests the Space Marine.

Itsu snorts, "You can't find it unless you already know where it is."

"But then how could you find it in the first place?" Ezra asks

"Trade Secret." the marker face on Istu's winks.

"How did you do that?" asks Lord Drake.

"That's also a Trade Secret." Istu chuckles, "Anyway. This appears to be some sort of device that bends time and space to come about a resolution to a situation. It's supposed to be retconned" the Eldar grumbles, digging around for his retcon cannon 6000 extreme with pump action and an optional squat motion tracking system.

"Warning. Warning. Duex Ex Machine activated. Please state the nature of the plot emergency." repeats the voice.

Arafalas groans "You're all idiots. Okay whatever-you-are. Hive Fleet Bahamut is here. We don't have the means to destroy it"

"Target Hive Fleet Bahamut. Buh-bye!" intones the voice.

"What?" Daz asks as the ground below the Tyranid Dominatrix explodes outwards with the power of a spring-loaded pink Baneblade. She sails into Orbit, being caught by a newer Hive Ship, "Mom!"

"Target, Daz. Hive Tyrant. Executing." says Duex Ex Machina

"I can survive in space!" Daz growls, "I''l be back you know."

"Destination: China. Buh-bye." says the device

"What?" the Hive Tyrant asks, blinking, "What is this.. China?"

A trap door opens beneath the Hive Tyrant, leading to... China? the Hive Tyrant yells as he falls, and suddenly loud yelling is heard.

"Who the hell are you?" Daz is heard.

"I'm a Merchant." comes one female voice

"More like a thief." says anothor as the trap door shuts.

"Duex Ex completed, has a ni-" the electronic voice intones.

"Prepare to be retconned!" Istu fires the Retcon cannon and the device literally vanishes.

"Maybe you should have waited to do that.." notes Ezra, as the various trap doors, hiding spots for the Baneblade, and all sorts of holes all over the place reveal themselves.

"For the love of..." Itsu grumbles, "It'll take forever to file the paperwork to get it back! I think we need to start filling holes here."

"You know.. If Corrack was here.. He'd say.." Drake starts, sitting on the ground.

"Shut up!" everyone else shouts.

"So who was she anyway?" Arafalas asks Sawblade.

"I think that's my ex-wife..." Sawblade responds, staring upwards, "But I don't even have an ex-wife..."