A/N-This is a very dialogue driven chapter.
Chapter 8 "Anything and Everything"
She's nothing but porcelain skin, and I swear I can see her heart through her chest. It's glass and it's fragile and it's beating so fast it'll shatter if she sighs. She kisses me slow, scared, as if she was hurt a long time ago in a land I never had the blessing and the curse to visit, if only to ease her pain by burning it to the ground. And with every kiss, she knows that I love her enough to do just that, burn her pains and woes to the ground. She tries to kiss me softly, with precise pecks and painstakingly tedious embraces, but I pull her close and kiss her like we'll never see each other again. I've learned to treat every day with her like that, like it's our last together forever, until the sun burns out. She gives herself to me, and I take her wrist in my hand. It's so skinny. It's so fragile. She wants me to make her into a masterpiece, to mold her into perfection with my hands, but I don't want to. She's perfect in her imperfection. It's as simple as that. She wants me to do everything. She just wants to disappear, not to escape me, no, but to escape everything else but me. A bunch of words escape her mouth in quick, worried mutters. I can't understand her, so I pretend they're all muttered "I love yous" and I leave it at that. I lose my hand through a sea of brunette hair. I close my eyes and imagine myself back in that black sea I've known as a mentor for so long. That sea and the darkness have taught me how to survive from intense emotion to no emotion at all. It's taught me how to withstand the allure and glamour of death and the mystery it brings along with it, and how to live without an actual, beating heart, but being here with Tori, and for once at peace with her, for once at home with her, she's rescuing me again just as she always used to. I'm simply a boy in love, and she's not only my princess, but it looks like she was the knight all along, always saving me and only letting me think we were saving each other, because that's what lovers do. As much as I owe to that black sea and the darkness accompanying it, it's time to leave from one home to another. Tori's pulling me by the hand from the sea and everything is illuminated. I can see the world clearly, without the blur and distortion of black. I can see her and her beautiful, brown eyes, and her love. I can literally see the love in her eyes. She's so sad, she's so happy, she's so enlightened, yet she's so confused. I can feel her every thought through her motions. She's twitchy, she's held back, but she's trying, trying to hold me and embrace me without getting that feeling of fear, that feeling-or rather memory of her father catching us again, only kissing, just holding each other. Her eyes are fireflies in the dark, glowing…glowing. She's afraid to touch me, she's afraid to lose herself to the darkness of the room, because she feels what I can't, she feels the smoky breath of a dragon heating the back of her neck, always.
She lifts her shirt over her head and it disappears once it parts from her. She leans back down over me and kisses me, even more timidly then before. She stops without reason, ponders something, and then rises. With glossed lips, she kisses from mine, across my cheek, and to my ear where she whispers, "I can't do this. We can't do this." And I think it comforts her in a way that I understand, and my reassuring kisses make her smile, though I'm sure she feels guilty nonetheless. She sits on the bed a while longer, fighting with something in her mind, and then she scoots her way off of the bed and into the darkness. I think she's searching for her shirt. I can hear her shaky breath, and I bet a trembling body accompanies it. I want to tell her that he's not here, that it's only her, me, and a couple of emaciated cats downstairs. I would say these words, but I feel if I'd talk, I would lose the taste of her lips. Cat finds herself back into my mind, and how she was more than willing to give herself over to me, more than willing to give me everything, but Tori struggles with herself and her thoughts and her demons. She wants to give me what she thinks I want, but to be honest, it's not at all what I want. I would be content just to watch movies or something with her while she snuggled into me and fell asleep to me rubbing her arm, stroking her hair. Maybe that's the difference between Cat and her, one has a pretty good idea of what I want from her, and the other only thinks she knows what I want from her. She finds her shirt and tugs it over her head violently and quickly, as if it's some kind of life jacket and she's on a sinking boat, not ship, but boat. I hear the creaking of the bed as she makes her way back over to me. She rests her head where my neck and shoulder meet.
"I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"Not going along with…well, you know."
"You know you sound stupid apologizing for that."
"It's dangerous…me even being here, I mean."
"You saw what happened last night, I'm well acquainted with danger."
"Oh, are you?"
"Hey! Don't laugh! I'm serious."
"Yeah…yeah you're a real warrior, Andre."
I look at her for a while, a smile on my face.
"What is it?" She smiles back.
"I would fight anything for you, you know that?"
"Is that so?"
"Yeah, it is."
"Would you fight lions?"
"Yeah."
"Would you fight…tigers?"
"You know it."
"How about bears?"
"Yeah."
"Oh my."
I laugh and rub her arm up and down while her hand rests on my chest.
"What wouldn't you fight, huh?"
"I would fight anything for you. That's why I don't understand why you were so willing to give up."
She stays silent, but it's a comfortable silence, so I fear nothing. I still apologize anyway.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…"
"Would you fight dragons?"
I sigh and smile. "I would fight God for you, baby."
My shower is long and peaceful. It's much different from the one I had over at Cat's, because I don't feel dirty, or filthy, or any of that. I feel clean and purified. It's beautiful to feel this way. I hear the birds singing a morning tune outside of the bathroom window, and I realize that everything seems like a fairytale movie, and this is the expected but still fantastic ending. Unlike Cat's shower, I actually enjoy this isolation. It gives me time to ponder how bad things were, and how good things are looking. The change in tone all happened so quickly, but I'm not complaining. All that matters now is that I have Tori back, and I'd fight anything and everything for her and only for her. I've heard that people last longer through life, and they fight harder for it if they know they have a person out there loving them like no one else does and like no one else can. I put my head under the nozzle and wash away the shampoo in my hair. It gets into my eye a little and I flinch, but it's nothing to cry about. I turn off the water and grab a towel to dry my hair and wrap around my body. I leave and head down the hall. It's here, at the top of the stairs, that I realize that everything's still taped over with police tape. Last night I didn't even realize that I ripped off the tape to my grandma's door to look in, or that Tori had ripped off the tape blocking the stairway. My house is a crime scene. I try to bury the protruding memories as I head into the kitchen, making my way past the cats. The refrigerator still has the orange juice that my grandma….the juice that she loved. My hand sits on the top of the jug as I think about her…but trying my hardest not to. I grab it out of the fridge and close it. What I also realize is that I haven't turned on any lights the whole time I've been here. I guess I want to keep the house the way it's been, at least for the most part. I want the house to remain the same, like a museum always stays the same, or a grave. For some reason I feel nauseous drinking this. I don't know what it is, but drinking it makes me want to vomit. It's never done that before.
I hear the badly strumming of a guitar on the porch when I walk out. Tori's sitting on the porch chair strumming the guitar I had up in my room. She's wearing one of my shirts. It's too big for her, and one of my summer scarves around her neck, even though it's not that chilly. It's actually rather warm and clear out.
"You're terrible," I say as I sit on the floor next to her.
She looks down at me and sticks her tongue out. "I never said I was as good as you or Beck."
"That's for sure."
"I can sing though."
"I know you can. Just don't do it now, it's too early."
"You don't think the neighbors would love my singing?"
"I know the neighbors wouldn't love your singing, not this early."
She scoffs and continues plucking at the strings with her fingers.
"You know you're chipping your nail polish doing that."
"Does that mean I'm holding it wrong?" She asks, grabbing the guitar from the bottom and inspecting it.
"Why are you out here anyway?" I laugh, folding my arms over my legs.
"I wanted to see the sunrise. Are you going to stay and watch it with me?"
"I guess so, scoot over."
She gets up from the chair and lets me sit down, and then she sits on my lap and reaches over to grab the guitar again, but I stop her. "I think you've done enough playing for now."
"Whatever," She sneers and she takes my arms and wraps them around her. "Did you know school's having prom soon?"
"Our school doesn't have prom."
"I talked to the principal a long time ago and he agreed to it. It's called Prome."
"Oh, I didn't know about that."
She brushes under her eye with her fingers. "Yeah…I think my bruises are healing up enough for us to go. That's, of course, if you want to."
"Yeah we can go. It's no big deal, Tor. You went through all of the trouble of making it and all."
"I'll only go if you want to, not just to make me happy."
"I do everything to make you happy."
"Hasn't anyone ever told you not to lose your individuality for a girl?"
"Whatever," I say, mocking Tori's earlier words.
She hits me with her elbow and I grunt. It really did hurt. Even though her eyes watch the sun, I can't help but have my eyes on her. "Do you know when your…when Rick gets back?"
"I don't know." She looks back at me slowly and then turns away again. "But I'm willing to take the risk."
"Tor….why, uh…why are you so…lovey-dovey now but less than a day ago you were trying your hardest to get away from me?"
I already wince at the question. She still looks at the sunrise, her lips are slightly open and I think she's trying to form words that just won't come. I look at her attentively but after a while of silence I begin to realize that the door of closure is closing without anyone even being behind to push it.
"Never mind, Tori, um, sorry I asked."
"There it is, do you see it?"
And there it was: the sun. The wondrous sun. It marked a lot of things, but mostly that a new day was finally starting just over the horizon. I take her gently and sit her down in my place.
"Where are you going?"
"Don't worry; I'll be right back, okay?"
She looks at me curiously as I reenter the house. I just want something to eat. I'm starving. But then I see one of the cats on the table in the living room and I go to take it off. "Jellybean, you know you don't belong up there." I watch the cat scurry off to the basement and I turn around to tears blinding my sight. I crouch down and lean against the glass table, trying to fight off my sobs. Damn, damn, damn, damn. Tori wanders into the kitchen and sees me, she hurries over and puts her hand on one of mine on the table.
"Andre, what's wrong? If it's because of what I said…or didn't say out there then…"
I interrupt her by handing her a silver necklace with an engraving in it that says To Andre, no matter how loco I go, I'll always love you, my dove.
"What is this?"
"My grandma gave it to me long ago, when I was…when I was a little kid."
"What happened to her, Andre? I haven't seen her lately…"
"She, uh, she died."
She gasps and nearly drops the necklace. "What? When?"
"I don't…I don't remember."
She rushes in and hugs me tight.
"How'd it happen? I can't believe I didn't notice all of the police tape. Where's my mind been?" She asks me in my room.
I run circles on her pant leg with my fingers and say, "She was just sick, you know. You know how bad it got to be. And don't worry, no one's blaming you for not knowing. I'm actually glad you didn't ask for a while."
"Yeah…tell me about your dad, Andre."
"What?"
"Your dad? Tell me a little about him."
"I would but…you get this certain look on your face when we talk about deep things sometimes, it hurts to look at you then."
"Then don't look at me just-just stare in front of you if that helps."
"My dad…where do I begin? He wasn't too old when he died. Car accident, he was drunk and it was night. He had, uh, he and my mom had been separated for a while, and I was staying with her while he was staying at a friend's or a hotel or something, I don't know, anyway, he had decided that it was time for him to come back home. Mom wasn't having it, obviously. They got into another fight, neither knew that I was standing at the top of the stairs looking down at them. They just argued like sharks. You know how sharks go blind when they attack? Whenever my mom and dad spoke it's like they went blind and they just spewed the nastiest, angriest things that they could have ever said to each other, completely blind to each other's feelings. I didn't understand it then. I don't understand it now."
"I'm sorry."
"But you know something peculiar? Out of all the bitter things that they said to each other, the one phrase neither used was, 'I hate you.' Out of all of the curse words, death threats, out of all of that, 'I hate you', was never uttered."
"What do you think it means?"
"It means the drink made my father a devil. He wasn't that way before, and it means my mom saw hope in him. She always did, no matter what she said and no matter how many times she kicked him out."
"I think drinking makes my dad an asshole, too."
"Your dad hates blacks sober or not. He's just generally an asshole; the drinking just makes him violent."
I look at her, and I see that certain look that tears at my heart. I rub her cheek with the back of my hand. "Just look at what he did to you."
She takes my hand and kisses it. Taking the necklace in her hand, she brings me around my neck and clasps it. "You're a real warrior, Andre, and I say that without sarcasm this time."
"Thanks, Tor. Let's get out of here for a while. This place is gonna be the death of me."
And for some reason that Countee Cullen poem that I had overheard in school comes to mind. Tori's grief and mine does in fact intertwine…our alcoholic fathers fused and mingled in darkness darker than an abyss in a sea and river, diverse yet has the same affect on both of us…changing us forever and forever. No wonder I loved this poem. It describes everything.
"Open up!" I shout, knocking on Beck's RV door for the seventh time.
"I don't think he's here."
"I'm too lazy to check anywhere else."
"Come on, let's go."
She runs off ahead with me far behind. I can't help but look at the house right next to the RV. Beck's parents aren't deserving of him, they really aren't. To have a kid with a good head on his shoulders is rare nowadays, and they take him for granted. They won't even let him into the house. They treat him like he's a dog or something. He's not a pet, he's a human being, and he's their kid, and he's better than them. I wonder if he sometimes gets the urge to burn down that mansion like home, I know I would if I lived less than fifty feet from it.
"Come on!" Tori shouts from the car.
I pick up my pace and head towards her. I get into the car to see she's already turned it on, and the radio too. While we drive, she looks out of the window at the passing scenery. It's nothing new to her, she's been down this way a thousand times before, but through the reflection of the window I can see the concentrated look in her eyes. I can barely focus on the road; I keep looking at her too much. I want to know what she's thinking. I want to know what's in that head of hers, but for some reason I stay quiet as usual.
"What are you going to do about your grandma?"
"I don't know."
"Where is she?"
"Some morgue in a hospital downtown."
She can tell I want to change the topic of the conversation. "I love you, Andre. Know that, okay?"
"I'm sorry for accusing you and Beck. I don't know what I was thinking."
"You weren't. No one thinks when they're angry and confused. That's why it's called angry and confused. I wasn't thinking either. I just wanted the pain to stop, you know? I just wanted everything to stop and give me time to rest, and I guess I was mad that nothing did. Nothing did stop for me, and that made me so mad. I was just…I was angry and confused too. I guess that answers your question. I'm messed up in the head and I just wanted out. What I wanted then isn't what I want now. What I wanted five minutes ago isn't what I'll want three from now, you get it? I'm indecisive. I'm finicky. Maybe even bipolar, but can you blame me?"
"We both wanted out, just in different ways. Don't ask me to describe to you all I've been feeling over the last few months, because it's an indescribable feeling, and none of it is good."
"I'm glad you decided to stick around," She sighs, putting her hand over mine on the gear. She knows the indescribable, despite what I think. She's Tori. She knows me, all of me.
"I'm glad you did, too."
We pull into Jade's driveway, and Tori snatches her arm away.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
"You're acting like I just ran over a dog or something."
"It was just a bump in the road, that's all it was."
I turn off the car and get out. "Are you coming?"
"No, no I'll stay in here."
"If Beck's here, I'm gonna be a while."
"I can wait."
I sense there's a problem with us being here so I leave her in the car with the window down. I walk up to the porch and knock but Jade's already opened it by the time my hand raises and I'm pulled in by the shirt.
"It's good to see you, Andre."
"You too, Jade."
"You seem…happier."
"I am."
She peers out of her curtain. "Is Tori out there?"
"Yeah."
"You two…are together again?"
"Mhmm."
"Oh…"
"Hey, man!" Beck laughs, patting me on the back. He looks as bad as I do after our brawl with those goons yesterday. "You don't look too bad, bro."
Liar. "Neither do you."
"What's up?"
"Nothing, Tori and I just wanted to hang. She decided to stay in the car though."
Jade takes a small sip from her drink and walks away.
I proceed to walk off before Beck grabs my shoulder and spins me around. "Hey, I just wanted to say that Robbie's here."
"No sweat."
"Cat too."
I pause. "No sweat."
"Alright, just warning you."
I actually am grateful for the advice, because it's about time Robbie and I talk. I head upstairs to find him, and he's standing outside of a closed room, where crying can be heard from outside. I call out to him and he doesn't flare up, but he actually deflates and waves timidly at me.
"Listen Robbie, about last night…"
"If you're about to apologize, then I'd call you crazy. I was the jerk last night."
"Cat's just confused."
"Confused and angry now, it seems. I just came to apologize and she got all sensitive again and locked herself in the room. Jade and Beck are down there pretending nothing just happened, but that's them for ya."
"What'd they say?"
"Well, Jade took Cat's side, obviously, and Beck just told us to take a few minutes and cool off and then talk again. That was two hours ago, one would think Cat's run out of tears by now."
"I'll go talk to her."
"Hey, I also wanted to apologize for punching you."
"Robbie, do you actually think your punch hurt me that much?"
Cat opens the door for me, but warns me to close and lock it once I'm through. She's sitting on Jade's bed, in Jade's dark, demented room filled up with obscure music and rock n' roll bandleader posters. Cat's a sure distinction from her surroundings, a little magenta-haired creampuff lighting up a darkened dungeon of teenage angst.
"Hi, Andre."
"Hey, Little Red."
"I've missed you."
I crouch down in front of her. "What happened?"
"Robbie came to yell at me more, and call me more names. I hate him."
"Cat, he told me he came to apologize and you took his words wrong."
"That's what they all say."
"Doesn't that make at least one of them right then?"
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing, Cat. Why…tell me what's wrong."
"You and Tori make a good couple."
"Thanks?"
"I'm glad you two are happy together."
"Cat…"
"Do you think we could have been happy together?"
"No, no I don't, Cat, because I don't love you."
"You don't love me."
"I don't love you."
We repeat this like we're in a therapy session.
She inhales and exhales repeatedly, bear hugging a pillow in her grasp.
"You know this, Cat. You were okay with it, remember? We were okay the next day, we laughed, we had a soap bubble fight."
"And you and Beck left me while I was in the shower."
"That was Beck's fault."
"But…"
"Isn't that a little besides the point now, Cat?"
"What do I do?"
"You go and tell Robbie you love him, because I know you do. He makes you laugh and smile just as I do. You guys could have your own soap bubble fights, and he could watch those cartoons you like."
"I do like cartoons."
"I know you do, Cat."
I get up and walk over to the door, readying my hand on the doorknob. "I'm going to open the door now, okay? Robbie's gonna want to come in, can he?"
She pouts and looks away.
"Cat…can he come in?"
"Yes," She mutters, and I open the door.
