~8~
Patrick's head bounced off the floor with a low thud seconds before he felt a second pop to his cheek. Stars burst in front of his eyes, combining together to block out the edges of his vision. He zeroed in on Kendall's fist and shot out his hand, grabbing it, stopping him from being punched a second time.
Patrick grit his teeth, throwing himself upwards in an attempt to knock Kendall off of him. He could only hear the blood pound in his ears as he straddled Kendall's waist, pulling his arm back before landing punch after punch on Kendall, aiming for his face, neck, and chest.
"What'd you do to my sister?" Kendall asked in a tight voice, turning his head away, holding his arms up to try and block Patrick's punches.
"Nothing," Patrick shouted back. "What'd that little brat say to you?" Kendall let out a scream of frustration as he tried to push Patrick off of him. Patrick let out a wild laugh, forcing Kendall's shoulders back down onto the ground. "Stay down, you bi—"
Patrick couldn't finish his sentence as a heavy force collided into his side, knocking him onto his side. He caught a glimpse of black hair before he realized that Noah and Sydney were on top of him, trying to hold him down. "Get off me!" he shouted at his brothers.
"Pat, just stay still," Noah said, trying to keep a tight hold on Patrick's flailing arms.
A rush of heat shot up Patrick's body, his muscles straining as he tried to push his brothers off him. He wildly kicked his legs, trying to jostle his brothers off him, rolling onto his side, straining to get towards Kendall.
He could hear his dad's thundering footsteps and loud. "Hey" as he tried to gain control. He could hear his sister's shrieks, his brother's pleading for him to stay on the ground, and Kendall's loud cursing. Through his slanted vision he could see both Riley and Rhuben hanging off of Kendall, trying to knock him to the ground.
Suddenly, Carlos's loud battle cry was heard and Kendall, Riley, and Rhuben collapsed onto the floor, all screaming in pain. A pair of black Nike high tops came into Patrick's line of view and seconds later, he felt a tug on his shirt collar, cutting into his neck before he was hauled to his feet, swinging blindly until he felt his arms being forced behind his back.
"Stop," James's voice reached his ears and Patrick immediately stopped moving, chest heaving as Sydney jumped in front of him, pressing his back into his brother's chest, holding his arms out in a T.
Patrick glared over at Kendall who had Carlos, Riley, and Rhuben were holding Kendall back. His beanie was laying abandoned on the ground, hair falling into his bright red face. His cheek was a bright red, becoming increasingly puffy and increasingly red by the second. The pocket on his flannel shirt was torn and the knees of his jeans were ripped.
He felt his lips curl up at the sides and seconds later, he was laughing. As if Kendall really had a chance against him, someone who's been kickboxing for months. His laughter slowly morphed into groans of pain as he wiggled his jaw. But, he did have a wicked punch. Pain suddenly rushed into his body and his knees buckled. James tightened his grip on Patrick's arms, trying to keep him up.
"Could someone please explain to me what's going on?" Logan asked, his eyes wide. He was standing between the two teenagers, hands up, looking back and forth between the two of them as if making sure they wouldn't throw themselves at each other. "Kendall left the Palm Woods so fast—"
"Tell them what you did to my sister," Kendall said, glaring in Patrick's direction.
"Nothing," Patrick replied, his voice cracking. "I didn't do anything."
"Yeah, if you call calling names, hitting, and pushing around nothing," Kendall replied. His cheeks puffed up before he stuck out his bottom lip blowing his hair out of his face. Patrick managed to catch the full force of Kendall's glare before his hair fell back into his face. "I trusted you! I asked you to look out for her, not hurt her."
Silence fell over the group of teenagers in the foyer. Patrick could hear James let out a gasp before roughly shoving him forward, nearly knocking Sydney over. "Is that true?" Patrick turned around to face James, who was staring back at him, his eyebrows lowered, knitting together. The corners of his lips were pulled down into a deep frown.
Patrick hated that look; the look of hurt. The look of confusion. The look that Patrick could only describe as James had no idea who he was looking at. He had seen it many times before, back when Big Time Rush had first arrived in Los Angeles, trying so hard to be their friends, and they kept shutting them down.
"Pat, did you?" Ronan then asked.
Patrick sucked his lips into his mouth, biting down on them. He clasped his hands behind his back and drew circles on the ground with his sock covered big toe. "I dunno," he muttered in reply. Riley stomped over to him and Patrick flinched, throwing his hands up to shield his face before she clamped her hand down on his shoulder.
"I'm going to ask you this once and you better answer me," Riley said quietly.
"You're hurting my arm," Patrick whined, trying to push Riley's hand off of him. "Ow, Riles! Let go!"
"Have you or have you not been hurting, Katie?" Riley asked, tightening her grip on Patrick's arm.
"…Yes," Patrick said quietly. Riley let him go so quickly, taking a few steps back from him, it was like he she had just been burned. Patrick bowed his head, rubbing at his arm. "It was an accident. I didn't mean it—"
"So you kept doing it?" Kendall asked, charging forward. Carlos and Rhuben grunted, trying to hold Kendall back. Riley put her hands on her boyfriend's chest, pushing him back. "I trusted you, Patrick. I asked you to look out for her when I couldn't be there but—" His voice cracked as the anger drained from his face. He shook his head back and forth, his face slowly crumpling. "I never thought I had to be worried about you."
"Ok," Ronan said, running his hands over his face. "Riles, Logan, I've already called the doctor and told him I'd be bringing in Noah, but it looks like I'm going to have to bring in Kendall, too." He put his hand over his mouth for a moment, tapping his lips with his finger tips. "Go make sure the two of them are ok, and check the others, too. I'm going to go call Kacy."
"No, please don't tell her," Patrick pleaded, hurrying after his dad to grab his arm. "She'll hate me." Ronan gently grasped Patrick's wrist, removing his hand from him.
"Patrick, I have to tell her," Ronan replied, crossing his arms over his chest. "Don't think you can get out of this conversation, this is very serious." Patrick nodded his head. "I'm sorry I didn't step in earlier. It hurt when you told me you hated me—"
"I'm sorry," Patrick said quietly.
Ronan closed his eyes, letting out a sigh through his nose. Patrick took a small step away from him. He was sorry for everything, but didn't think he could find any way to express it apart from repeating those words. They were two words he always heard from Robert, and after a while, didn't believe in the emotion behind them.
Maybe that's how they feel? Patrick thought to himself, looking over at Sydney as he put his small hand on his shoulder, guiding him into the dining room. They don't believe me because I keep apologizing. His eyes flickered over towards Kendall who was grasping his jaw between his fingers, wiggling it from side to side.
"Kendall, I'm…I'm sorry," he said quietly.
"Are you?" Kendall asked with a snort, wincing slightly as he did so, reaching for his nose. "So…what, the first time Katie asked you to stop you just ignored her?" He allowed Carlos and Rhuben to push him down into a chair and Logan pulled a pen light out of his pocket, holding it up to Kendall's eye. Kendall pushed Logan's hand away from him. "How could you do that?"
"I don't know," Patrick groaned, dropping down into his self-assigned seat. "I just got so mad and…and I couldn't help it." He put his face in his hands before dropping them down onto the table. He slowly breathed through his nose as he watched his hands shake, his knuckles rapping on the table. Just calm down. Breathe. In. Out. In. Out.
"TBI?" Rhuben asked, looking over at Riley. Patrick looked over t her and Riley slowly shook his head back and forth.
"Not this time," she said, shaking her head back and forth.
"TBI?" James asked.
"Traumatic Brain Injury," Patrick replied with his brothers and sisters. Carlos jumped at the sudden chorus in response.
"And I thought it was scary when the twins did it," Carlos said in a hushed whisper as he removed his helmet from his head. He spun his hockey helmet in his fingers, a grin coming to his face. "See, I told you that Helmet would come in handy."
"Not now, Carlos," Logan replied, a frown on his face. He peered over at Patrick. "You have a traumatic brain injury?"
"Is it that surprising to you?" Sydney asked, quirking an eyebrow. "And you want to be a doctor." Logan twisted his mouth to the side as he peered over at the youngest Jackson sibling. Sydney crossed his arms over his chest, keeping his gaze at the table. "TBI is common in domestic abuse cases, in fact, Noah will have to be checked when he gets to the doctor. Through everything with Robert, he only sustained closed head injuries, meaning nothing had actually pierced his tongue but a strike to the head, or severe shaking, or being pushed down the stairs, anything that could cause damage to the head, was inflicted on Patrick."
Sydney ran a finger over his lips before lifting his head, looking over at Kendall. "It can also be occurred by something piercing the skull or lack of oxygen," he explained. "Some lasting effects range from decreased ability to concentrate, problems with problem solving, communication, feeling motivated, impulsiveness, mood swings, sexual inappropriateness—"
He stopped suddenly when Kendall leapt to his feet, the chair he was sitting in, scraping against the floor. Riley moved to help Rhuben and Logan force Kendall to sit back down all the while Patrick called over to him, "I didn't do that. I didn't. I didn't do that."
"Change in behavior like irritability, quick to anger, vision problems, insomnia, a lot of stuff," Sydney continued, talking over his brother. He held out his arm motioning towards his siblings before dropping his arm down to his side. "Something we all deal with, even you, Kendall, and Carlos, too."
"Me?" Kendall asked quietly.
"You did sucker punch him," Sydney replied with an odd chuckle. "WayneWayne, too. You're a nice guy, trying to find the best in everybody, but even you could have bouts of uncontrollable anger." He sniffed. "Knowing your history with your dad…"
" So, what about me?" Carlos asked. "Huh? Huh?"
"Let me guess," Rhuben said, watching as Carlos practically bounced up and down. "The metal plate in his head, right?"
"Exactly," Sydney replied with a nod of his head, his eyebrow twitching upwards. "Only way he needed to have had the metal plate put in his head was due to a head injury." He peered over at the four ex-hockey players. "Knowing the sport you blokes play, I'm not all that surprised."
"So…Carlos is an idiot a good chunk of the time because of the metal plate in his head?" Noah asked, crossing his arms over his chest. "Huh. I kinda wonder what he'd be like without it."
"Trust me, he's not that different," James said in a monotone, blinking off into space. "We just use the metal plate as an excuse as to why he acts the way he does." Carlos merely shrugged before smiling happily, knocking at his head with his knuckles.
"if we could please get back on topic here," Kendall said with a huff of annoyance, slapping his hands down onto the table. "He's been hurting my sister and yes, I know how sorry you are, but that doesn't change what you did." Patrick closed his mouth, slumping in his seat.
"Kenny, just calm down a bit, ok?" Rhuben said, putting his hand on his shoulder.
"You know how much he cares about Katie," Riley added, "and you know how much he cares about your friendship with him. He couldn't help himself-" She stopped when Kendall turned in his seat to stare at her. "What?"
"You're not actually defending him are you?" Kendall asked, his eyebrows shooting up.
"He's my brother," Riley said to him as if she was explaining a lost concept to him.
"And I'm your boyfriend," Kendall replied," and Katie's my sister." His green eyes glowed until they were two balls of burning green flames. Riley's eyebrows slowly inched up her forehead, before one of her eyebrows drooped. "I can't believe you're going to stand there and defend what he—"
"Look, if there's anyone you should be disappointed in, it should be me," Riley interrupted him, putting her hand up into the air.
"Riles," Patrick said quietly. Riley slowly blinked at her hand, staring at it as if it wasn't even her own. Patrick watched as her eyebrows slowly knitted together before she slowly dropped her arm down to her side. "It's not your fault…"
"Yes, it is," Riley replied, pulling out the chair in front of her, dropping down into it. Logan moved over to Noah, motioning for his friend to turn towards him as he turned on his pen light. "This whole time…all those years…I always thought any decision I made was really helping us."
"It was Riles, don't think for a second it wasn't," Rhuben said to her sister, shaking her head.
"Yeah," Sydney added quietly.
"Yeah right," Riley said with a laugh. "So, it helped that I always told you not to say anything about Robert? To lie to people about what was going on? To keep people away? To learn to be weary of people before you trust them?" She waved her arm towards Big Time Rush. "We got lucky that they wanted to ignore all of that."
She patted her chest with her hand, swallowing thickly. "This is all my fault; we would've been better off if I wasn't such a…coward. If I wasn't so scared about what was going to happen, we probably wouldn't have had to deal with him for so long."
"Riles—"
"You've all learned how to deal with people and problems by watching Rhubes and I—either keep shut or burst out into anger. I'm not surprised Patrick acts this way when he's angry; following me around for all those years, watching me blow up at every idiot or Hockey-Head—" she gave Kendall a pointed look and his lips twitched upwards into a half smile, "that crossed my path. We weren't as great influences as I thought we were."
"Of course you were," Sydney instantly protested. "You were a kid, too."
"And we didn't know you were bipolar then," Noah pointed out to her as Logan shined the penlight into his eye, making a "Hmmm" sound.
"Same difference," Riley said, waving her hand in the air. "At least Patrick tries to control himself."
"Kendall wouldn't have known about it, if I didn't say anything," Sydney said quietly, twisting the bottom of his shirt. He lifted the collar of his shirt into his mouth, chewing on it. Patrick looked over at him and Sydney gave him an apologetic look. "He saw the bruises when I was over at the Palm Woods and…I'm sorry."
"Look, we noticed that Katie was acting differently," James spoke up, "and then there were things that we heard at the Palm Woods…"
"Oh, god," Patrick groaned, putting his face in his hands. A cold wave washed over him, causing him to start shaking all over again. "You actually heard that?" He then turned in his seat, lifting his eyes towards James. "James, I know you're not interested in Katie, and I'm sorry about whatever it was you heard—"
"You think I'm interested in Katie?" James asked, his eyes popping open. He then looked over at Kendall. "Not that there's anything wrong with her and not that I am." Kendall put a hand to his face, suddenly looking tired. "Pat, you're one of my best friends, I wouldn't try and take her from you even if I was interested in her." He looked back at Kendall. "Again, which I'm not. I didn't know you were jealous of me…not that I really blame you, I mean, I am—"
"STOP!" Patrick shouted, slapping his hands down onto the table, causing everybody to jump. "Stop it, just stop! It's not your fault, it's mine! I mucked things up like I always do." He curled his hands into fists, tightly pressing his fingernails into his palms, gritting his teeth together. "I'm always screwing things up. You're not to blame—" He pointed a finger over at Riley before pointing at Sydney, and then at James, and then waved his arms into the air—"you're not to blame, you're not to blame, no one is to blame but me."
"I don't want to be this way and I try so hard not to be, but I can't help it. We always say we don't want to be like Robert, but face it, we are," Patrick said, his voice cracking. He cleared his throat once, twice, three times. "We hit our friends, we punch them, we slap them, we call them names, we tell them that they're idiots, that they're stupid, we talk down to them as if we know more than they do. We are Robert."
"And every time I have to sit in front of him, I just think back to everything he did or said to me. I know he's changed, and I know he's trying to get better for us, and I can see the change in him, but I see the change in me, too and it scare me. Every time I have to sit in front of him, I see someone that I can turn into if I don't try and stop myself."
"But, Katie sees past that, I'm happy when I'm with her, the happiest I've ever been. When I'm with her, when we're just hanging out, or if I can get her to smile or laugh, what I've been through is worth it. I don't have to be scared when I'm around her. At least I didn't have to be. I don't know if I could be around her, now." Patrick bowed his head. "I'm too worried, now. I don't want to hurt her again physically or emotionally."
He got silence in reply until Ronan stepped back into the room.
"Kendall, your mom and Katie are going to meet us at the doctor," Ronan announced, swinging his keys in his hands. "We should've called them from the car, let's get going. Riles, stay with Noah just in case something happens. Logan, keep an eye on Kendall. Pat, you're coming with me."
"Yes, sir," Patrick replied, getting to his feet.
He followed his siblings to the front door and grabbed his shoes from the pile, shoving his feet inside. He stomped at the ground, forcing the heels of his feet inside before following everyone outside. He instantly spotted the Big Time Rush mobile practically parked in the front yard, with Mrs. Knight's car parked behind it.
He watched as James took the keys to the Big Time Rush mobile from Kendall before moving around the car into the front seat. Logan climbed into the passenger seat as Kendall climbed into the back row of seats, lying down in the back. Riley, Noah, and Sydney, joined Carlos in Mrs. Knight's car.
Ronan grasped Patrick's shoulder, steering him towards his car. Patrick climbed into the passenger seat of his dad's car, slamming the door shut behind him. He pulled is seatbelt across his chest, sliding it into the buckle with a click. He didn't say anything until Ronan dropped down into the driver's seat, closing the door behind him.
"Dad, I know you must hate me—"
"I don't hate you, Pat, how could you think that?" Ronan asked, turning towards his son, a hurt look crossing his face. Patrick shrugged. "I may be disappointed in you, but I don't hate you."
"I know," Patrick replied. "You only talk like that—emphasizing every word—when you're really mad. I always muck things up, and I know I say this a lot, but, I'm sorry."
"I know you are," Ronan replied, sliding his keys into the ignition, turning on his car. "But, sorry isn't going to get you out of this."
"I know," Patrick replied, nodding his head. "What if I don't want to get out of it?"
"What do you mean?" Ronan asked as he engaged his seat belt before shifting the car into reverse, backing out of the driveway after Big Time Rush. He spun the steering wheel and removed his foot from the brake pedal, stepping on the gas. Patrick felt the car lurch forward before the car rolled down the street, emitting a low hum as it did so.
"You always said that there are some things we do that you can't help us get out of," Patrick replied, turning his head to stare out the window. "Even if you could keep this quiet…I'd still be running the risk that it could get out later on, just like we were risking the abuse thing."
"You're right," Ronan agreed with a nod of his head, "but I don't think I understand you."
"Is Dr. Angelo meeting us at the doctors?" Patrick asked, turning towards his dad and Ronan nodded. "I think he can help me with that project I've been putting off, you, too." He sucked in a deep breath of air, holding it for a little bit, before letting it out. "Dad…I want to handle this myself. Please, don't cancel that magazine interview."
"Are you sure?" Ronan asked.
"Yeah," Patrick replied, nodding his head. "I have to learn to take responsibility for my actions." He looked over at his dad and gave a hint of a smile. "My dad taught me that."
"Flattery isn't going to get you anywhere, we still have a lot to talk about," Ronan said, reaching out a hand, gently shoving Patrick's head.
"Worth a shot," Patrick muttered. He gripped his seat belt in his hands, slowly breathing in and out of his nose.
"You going to be ok?" Ronan asked, looking over at his son. "I know how much you hate doctors. There's a very real chance we have to go to the hospital, too."
"Yeah," Patrick replied, repeatedly nodding his head. "Yeah, I'll be fine. Hospital is where it all started, you know?" Ronan made a humming sound in the back of his throat. "Have to face my fears eventually." He tightened his grip on the seat belt as the car roared closer and closer to the doctor's office. "Do you think everyone will forgive me?"
"I'm sure they will, but I think the real question is if you'll ever forgive yourself," Ronan replied.
"I don't know if I will," Patrick said quietly. "I always told myself that if I ever got a family, I'd never hurt them. But...I already did. I hurt my real family and I hurt my music family."
"Well...do you forgive Robert for what he did?" Ronan asked as they came up to a red light. He pressed his foot on the brake before turning to face his son. Patrick shrugged his shoulders. "You're not like Robert, you know. In fact, from what you've told me about your dad, Reed, the more I see him in you everyday."
"Thanks, dad," Patrick replied.
