I'm gonna stop doing recaps. I'm sorry, I just can't.
Chapter Seven:
In Which Everyone is Screwed
Naruto Uzumaki was not at all amused. It had been exactly three hours and forty-two minutes since he lost consciousness and started falling through the endless dark void, and he had yet to stop. Three hours and forty-eight minutes. Scowling, Naruto tried to figure out when his life went so wrong. Seriously, he was a gambler and best friends with a mafia boss and a thief/assassin. No, wait, he remembered. It was that one time way back when. Well, maybe he shouldn't have— HOLY CRAP THE GROUND!
It came so fast that Naruto didn't have any time to prepare. He hit the ground hard and expected to feel a piercing pain of some sort—or maybe lose consciousness again—but instead, it just felt like he fell. No pain, just a slight discomfort and some shortness of breath. Deciding not to look a gift horse in the mouth, Naruto stood up and examined his surroundings.
"That's weird," he muttered, "how'd I end up in a sewer?" He was up to his ankles in crystal-clear water that gave of an eerie orange glow. "Radioactive?"
"So you've finally arrived?"
"Wha— Oh Kami it's the Kyuubi!" Naruto scrambled backward in horror. "Where did you come from!?"
"I've been here the whole time." The fox leaned closer. "You, however, have not. Come closer, child, let me help you."
Naruto scowled. "I'm not stupid!"
"Are you sure about that?"
"Hey!"
The fox sighed. "What a shame. You would have tasted marvelous, too."
"You were gonna eat me!?"
"No, I was going to eat your astral projection."
Naruto frowned. "Oh, right, you're sealed in me, aren't you?" A pause. "Wait, are we in my gut!?"
"No, you chicken, we're in your mind."
"But my mind's up in my head and the seal is on my stomach!"
"Your mind and your brain are different things, little chicken. Besides, do you think that demonic father of yours somehow managed to seal me, the great Kyuubi, into your intestines?"
Scowling, Naruto screeched, "Demonic father? You're the demon here!"
The Kyuubi pulled its lips back in a snarl. "Wrong, you featherless chicken. I'm a mighty being made completely of chakra. Demons are very different, indeed."
Naruto opened his mouth to yell at the fox some more, before realizing something. Suddenly subdued, he said, "Hey, why aren't you like, you know," he waved his arms around a bit, "trying to murder me?"
The Kyuubi snarled a bit, before putting its head onto its paws. "Won't do me much good. There's a seal on the gate. I'm spending the rest of your puny little chicken life trapped by this seal."
"What gate?" Naruto asked blankly; as far as he could tell, the Kyuubi was out in the open, just sitting there—which is why he had panicked so much when he first saw it. The Kyuubi stared at him a bit, eyes squinting. Finally, it got up and stood on all fours, making Naruto flinch a bit. "E-Eh?"
"You truly are an idiot, aren't you? You can't control your own mindscape—even your fire hazard of a mother could do that. What a pathetic little creature I have been sealed into." The Kyuubi turned around to walk off into the darkness, but Naruto stopped it.
"Hey, you didn't answer my question! What gate!?" It said something about me not being able to control my mindscape. What if I accidentally got rid of it or something?
The Kyuubi paused and looked back at him, its red eyes glowing. "Oh," it said sarcastically, "you just have to believe." Then, with a low, rumbly laugh that shook Naruto to his very core, the beast bounded off into the darkness.
Naruto stood there, infuriated. "Believe?" he hissed. "What the hell kind of explanation is that!?" He ran forward to try and catch up to the fox—an idiotic endeavor that would never pay off—but then ran into something. Again, it didn't hurt, but Naruto bounced backward and fell on his butt. Cursing, the blond opened his eyes to see what he had run into, only to find empty space. "Eh?"
A bit more cautious, Naruto stood up and slowly walked forward, his hands held out in front of him. After a few steps, he felt it—cold metal, even when there was nothing in front of him. Pulling his arms back, he muttered, "'Believe,' huh?" Naruto smiled. "Well then, I 'believe' that there's a, uh, gate in front of me!"
Nothing. Naruto scowled. "I said, I believe there is a gate in front of me!" Again, nothing changed. Naruto put his hand up again, just to confirm that he hadn't imagined the metal. "I believe there is a gate in front of me!" This time when nothing happened, Naruto flew into a rage. Kicking the invisible metal, he yelled, "Show me the goddamn gate!"
It flared to life in front of him, sending him reeling backward. A blood-red gate stood in front of him, strong and proud—and he was a bit too close for comfort. Suddenly exhausted, he panted and looked up at the bars. Indeed, in the center of the two gate doors was an incredibly complex seal that seemed more like art than a battle tool. The gate itself was so tall that it disappeared into the inky blackness above. From inside its confines, Naruto could hear the Kyuubi start laughing again.
"Yeah, I'm outta here." Silence. "Wait, how do I get out of here!?"
Shisui was scowling, completely convinced that some higher being was making his life harder than it had to be. Naruto was still in his arms, snoring away. Numerous attempts to wake him had failed and Shisui was getting desperate. Charging up to the man who was sitting behind the front desk, Shisui said, "Hey, I need some help!"
The man barely glanced up from the paper he was writing on. "I see. Please sign in at the front desk and then—"
"Isn't this the front desk?"
The man let out an irritated sigh and looked up at him, completely unimpressed. "No, this is the staff-management desk. They moved the front desk."
Shisui blinked. "Why?"
"How the hell would I know? I just work here."
Naruto shifted slightly in Shisui's arms, filling him with a new sense of panic. "Okay, where's the new front desk?"
The man just pointed to the far wall. "Follow the signs."
"Thanks," Shisui said as he quickly walked over to the signs. Scanning them, he found himself completely confused. The signs "ER" and "Front Desk" both pointed to a wall. "Uh, Sir—"
"Look," the man said, "I don't have time for this, kid. I don't care if your friend is unconscious or whatever, I have a job to do."
Shisui suddenly realized why he was so lost on how to talk to this man—he doesn't know who I am. Everyone knew who Shisui Uchiha was, and they all respected him greatly. Even more, most people would completely panic at the sight of an unconscious Jinchuuriki. This man, though… "You don't know who either of us are, do you, Sir?"
"Should I?" he muttered, looking back at his paper.
"No, I guess. What rock have you been living under?"
"I wasted the last decade of my life in medical school, so I'd say education."
"We should hang out sometime."
"Get your little friend to the ER first, kid."
"Where is—"
"Follow the goddamn sign."
Shisui's eye twitched. Fine, I'll follow the sign. Without even giving it a second thought—or taking common sense into account—Shisui Uchiha ran straight towards the wall at which the sign was pointing, completely determined to bring the entire damn thing to the ground. He closed his eyes, waiting for impact...but it never came.
Shisui landed on the floor, stood still for a second, then cautiously opened his left eye. He was standing in a long hallway. He turned around, only to find a wall. "Huh. Genjutsu. That was smart." Silence. Then, "Why the hell did they genjutsu a hospital!?"
Naruto shifted again, and softly murmured, "Chicken…"
"Oh, right, medical emergency."
Hiruzen Sarutobi took a puff from his pipe, then regarded the two men standing in front of him. "Jiraiya," he said, "it's good to see you again."
The white-haired man grinned. "Same to you, Lord Third."
Hiruzen then turned to Kakashi. "What are you doing out of the hospital?"
Kakashi gave him a wounded look. "I don't get a greeting?"
"If you don't get back to the hospital, you'll definitely be greeted by the Shinigami."
(Somewhere in Hell, the God of Death sneezed, right onto a trembling Mizuki.)
"I'm perfectly healthy," Kakashi said, "see?" He did a little twirl and bowed, but the Third gave him an unimpressed look.
"I humbly request that you stop flashing my citizens."
"This is my body and I'm not ashamed."
Hiruzen cleared his throat. "Right. Anyway, Jiraiya, what I have called you here for is quite urgent, so if you will come with me to the hospital—"
"Hospital? Welp, I'm outta here." Kakashi promptly disappeared in a swirl of leaves, leaving the two remaining men in silence.
Hiruzen Sarutobi sighed. "At least we only have authorized personnel now. Jiraiya, tell me, what do you know so far?"
Jiraiya shrugged. "You want me to investigate the whoever threw poison into the Ha River, right?"
Hiruzen paused. "...right. That is exactly what I called you here for. In fact, I have everything set up exactly the way it was. Nothing has been touched in preparation for your arrival." Nodding to himself, the Third took another drag from his pipe.
His student stared at him, completely unimpressed. "You didn't think to look into who threw the poison in the River, did you?"
"I never said that."
"Why'd you really call me, Sensei?"
Hiruzen cleared his throat. "In addition to your investigation into the Ha River incident—"
"You should really assign that to a professional instead of someone who doesn't know squat about poison."
"—you will be investigating what appears to be one of Orochimaru's attempts to spy on the Village."
Jiraiya paused, squinted at him, then muttered, "You know, every time I come to Konoha, it's because of some Orochimaru disaster. Or sometimes it's because of some sealing mishap."
"This time, it's both."
He raised an eyebrow. "As in they're happening simultaneously or there's one problem that includes them both?"
"The second one."
"Something tells me that I won't like this."
Itachi walked through ANBU Headquarters, head held high. He had found that people would always assume that you belong somewhere if you look like you have somewhere to be. And, indeed, no one questioned him. Besides, even if someone did arrest him, he wanted it to happen out in the light, not in that old abandoned sewage pipe that he had holed up in while trying to calm down. It worked, and the rats were good company, but now he had to make sure that he really was a criminal because he highly doubted that he had the coordination to kill someone while he was drunk.
So, he casually walked up to the cafeteria, hands in his pockets. Taking a seat next to some recruits, he contemplated whether or not they'd be able to tell that he was grilling them. On one hand, they were ANBU recruits and if the senior members had given them access to the cafeteria, then it must have meant that they were pretty good. Or it could have just meant that they were charismatic. Itachi himself had been an excellent recruit but he didn't have the necessary social skills—or any social skills—to get him into the cafeteria. He distinctly remembered sitting right next to the cafeteria doors doing absolutely nothing until the senior ANBU members finally gave in and let him eat some food.
...on the other hand, they were just ANBU recruits. They weren't full members and they were still in training. Judging by the fact that they didn't have massive dark circles under their eyes, and that they were smiling, Itachi concluded that they were pretty fresh. So, he said, "So, are you two enjoying your stay?"
Both immediately froze and whirled toward him, staring at him with wide eyes. "O-Oh. Hey."
Itachi stared at them blankly for a few seconds, then realized that he approached them much too silently. The poor Chunin probably didn't even notice his presence. That's been happening a lot lately—he's practically announcing his arrival with trumpets to higher ranking shinobi, but the lower ranking ones treated him like some apparition. Clearing his throat, he repeated, "Are you two enjoying your stay?"
After a bit more staring, the one with the black hair and blue eyes smiled. "Yeah, we are. It's really nice here, and I respect all the work you guys do."
Ah, so he was the talker. "I thank you for that. And what do you think about the kind of work us ANBU do? Is it what you expected?"
He smiled wider. "Yeah, it's what we expected. The workload is pretty heavy but we can handle it, right, Sen?"
The orange haired girl nodded happily, continuing to munch on a cookie. "Yeah, Ken."
Despite himself, Itachi raised an eyebrow. "Are you two related?"
"No, why?"
"No reason. Anyway, what missions have they got you working on? Or are there any that interest you?"
Ken nodded. "We're mostly shadowing other ANBU teams, mainly ones who are escorting clients, and we really enjoy getting to see the experts at work—"
"Well, actually," Sen said, "it would be nice if—"
Ken promptly reached over the table and covered her mouth with his arm, still smiling brightly at Itachi. "We enjoy it."
"...I see." Itachi leaned forward a bit. "You still haven't told me about the missions that interest you."
The two glancing each other, having a thinly-veiled conversation about whether or not should actually tell him what they want. Sen seemed to win out, though, and Ken said, "We'd really liked to take part in the murder investigations."
Itachi hummed. This didn't sound promising. "Aren't the murder investigations handled by normal Chunin squads?"
Ken had a bit of a deer-in-headlights look, but recovered admirably well. "Sir, we're talking about the murders of more high-profile figures. You," he said, his voice suddenly a whisper, "like the one of Kayasuko Kagiyama—" Ah, yes, there it was. "—and Danzo Shimura."
Itachi was glad that he was a highly trained member of ANBU—and good with dealing with shock—because what the actual Hell? Danzo was dead? How had he not heard of this before? Not hearing about Kagiyama was understandable—he was fairly low on the ladder, even in the civilian council—but Danzo? Itachi was an ANBU Captain, he was supposed to be informed of things like this. His face, however, stayed perfectly calm. "Is that so? Well, that's nice to know." He stood up, smiling faintly at them. "It was nice to meet you two."
"You, too, Sir," Ken said, practically glowing.
"Have a good day, Ken, Sen."
"Thank you, Sir!"
As Itachi walked away, he could hear Ken whisper to Sen, "We had that interview in the bag." Itachi, in his expert opinion, could say that no, they did not. Not only had they failed to recognize that they were being interrogated for unknown purposes, that girl was also wolfing down the doughnuts. ANBU doesn't allow members who hoard doughnuts—it was just the way of the world.
Moving on, Itachi pondered other things, such as: How the hell did I kill Danzo Shimura? Sure, Itachi liked to think that he was good at his job, but Danzo Shimura good? Was that even possible? He was one of the most powerful members of Konoha—both politically and physically—bar the Hokage himself. Moreover, why did drunk!him not tell him? This seemed like important information, the kind you tell your sober self. Itachi had yet to come up with an answer. However, the universe had one for him.
When Itachi Uchiha got home, he found yet another note wedged behind the ancient box of dog food from before Sasuke's dog had "run away." It read:
Dear not-drunk!me,
So, you know that other guy we really hate? The one on the Shinobi Council? So, I kinda sorta killed him, too. I didn't really think ahead so you might want to flee the country.
Love,
Drunk!you
Itachi promptly threw the piece of paper into the trash, sat down on his couch, and then sobbed like there was no tomorrow because—for him, at least—there probably wouldn't be one.
Sasuke Uchiha was minding his own damn business when someone scooped him out of his tomato garden. In normal circumstances, Sasuke would turn around and try to figure out who the hell thought it was a good idea to kidnap the son of the Uchiha Clan Head. However, Sasuke didn't really care that much, so he just delivered his kidnapper a swift kick to the abdomen. He could feel them wince in pain, but they refused to let him go. Then he smelled the dog hair on him, put two and two together, and screeched, "Let me go, Kakashi-sensei!"
"No can do, Ducky. I need to get us a mission."
"But aren't you supposed to be in the hospital?" Sasuke seethed. This was mildly annoying and that in and of itself was quite impressive. "You're pretty allergic to whatever was thrown into the Ha River."
Kakashi snorted, continuing to fly from rooftop to rooftop, Sasuke thrown over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. "Please, I need to be everywhere but the hospital. I'm pretty sure that I'm already bankrupt, so either you let me live with you or we get a decent paying C-rank."
Sasuke paused, contemplating, before realizing that he was stupid and said, "Let's get a mission."
"That's what I thought. Do you happen to know where Naruto and Pinky are?"
"Not really," Sasuke muttered. Then, "Can you please stop flashing me?"
"...I'll get some clothes. Eventually."
So Sasuke kept his mouth shut and wondered when his life had gone so wrong. No, wait, he remembered. It was that one time way back when. Ugh, of course he was screwed.
Suyo slowly blinked the sleep out of his eyes, only to be confronted by a tiny rodent. "Agh!" He scrambled backward but the thing clutched his shirt, refusing to let go. "Get off, you—"
"Calm down, Suyo! You're going to kill me!"
Suyo froze and stared at the rodent—mole. Then, slowly, his memories returned. Putting his face into his hands, he said, "So you're really a mole? Like, an actual mole?"
The tiny rodent shrugged. "What else would I be?"
"I...suppose that you're right," Suyo sighed. "Can you please turn back into a human—"
"Back into? I'm a mole, Suyo, I can't turn back into a human. I can turn into a human, not back into—"
"I get it. Can you just do it? That will be easier to—"
The dungeons door suddenly opened and Goryu made his way in, his face covered in lipstick marks. "Suyo, Lady Sakura—" He froze, staring at the blank cell in front of him, then turned to Suyo, who had a deer-in-headlights look in his face. So, Goryu put two and two together and got four. Unfortunately, he should have gotten five. "You let the mole escape!?"
"N-No," Suyo said. "I can explain—"
"I don't need an explanation!" Goryu said. "I've seen enough!" With that, he launched himself at Suyo, only for the larger man to disappear in a puff of smoke, replaced by a block of wood and, strangely enough, a random twig. (In some random forest, a tree fell to the ground.) Cautiously, Goryu approached the two offending items, before kicking the slab of wood. "You won't get far, Suyo. You've meddled in things far beyond your control." Goryu slowly grinned. "Michi Tanaka isn't the only mole in this organization."
He was about to turn away, only to gag at something he saw. "Ugh, something had a crap in here. I need to ask Lady Sakura to get some mouse traps or something…"
Suyo dashed through the woods, clutching a terrified Michi in his hands. "This is all your fault!" Suyo said. "Now I'm on the run and Lady Sakura will think I'm in league with you!"
"I didn't mean to do that!" Michi wailed, his huge mole hands covering his eyes. "I just wanted to be something more than just a mole! My dad wanted me to be a loner, you know? He said that he wanted me to be better than he was, and he wouldn't listen to me when I said he was—"
"I don't need your life story!" Suyo snapped. "Just be quiet. Someone might think I'm doing something nefarious!"
"But you're not! You're just running through the woods with a mole in your hands— Okay, I see it now."
Suyo wanted to stop right there and slam Michi into a tree. He'd watch as Michi stumbled around, trying to see something, only to realize the futility because he was a mole and his eyesight sucked. He wanted to go back to Lady Sakura and grovel at her feet and explain everything, but he was a decent person, so he kept Michi secure in his arms and continued to run off into the distance, farther and farther away from his home.
Safe to say, Suyo was not having a good day.
Meanwhile in a place that looked suspiciously like Hell (probably because it was):
Mizuki Saito trembled. All he could register were the red eyes staring straight into his soul and the fact that he had, to put it eloquently, screwed up. He had screwed up so bad that he would die today. Never mind the fact that he was already dead, he was sure that the Shinigami would think of something.
The monstrous face in front of him contorted into what Mizuki vaguely recognized as irritation as it repeated, "How have you summoned me, filthy human?"
Recognizing that silence probably wasn't the best answer to the death god, he opened his mouth to denounce every sin he had ever committed, only for his throat to emit a high-pitched keening noise that he would deny admitting until the day he died—once again, ignoring the fact that he was already dead. Mizuki stumbled backward, ready to apologize profusely, only for the Shinigami to go back to its full height, looking at him with satisfaction. "I see, you're half-Yokai."
Mizuki froze in place for obvious reasons. "L-Lord Shi-inigami, I can assure you, I a-am very much human." Please don't eat my face off.
The Shinigami regarded him, squinting its eyes. They were black as night, yet cloudy. Then, putting on some spectacles that appeared out of nowhere, it resumed its inspection. He took them off, threw them into the air behind him, and said, "No, I'm positively sure that you're half-Yokai. Noppera-bo, correct? The lack of a face is a dead giveaway."
There was a bit of silence before Snake-guy cleared his throat. "L-Lord Shinigami, he has a face."
The Shinigami's mouth curled into a frown. "Nonsense. He clearly lacks a face. Are you saying I can't see?" The Shinigami's tone said that it meant it as a joke, but the silence from the group was telling. The Shinigami didn't seem to notice, though. "What's a yokai doing down here? You should be in Yomi."
Snake-guy, realizing that arguing about whether or not Mizuki had a face was a non-starter, decided to change topics. "But he's only half-Yokai, My Lord, and he lived his life as a human. Not a particularly good one, either. That's why he's here—"
"He's half-Yokai, he would end up here regardless. He should have been sent to Yomi. I should whip whoever sent him to punishment. Half-Yokai are protected by the law!"
Snake-guy desperately said, "My Lord, he tried to murder three children—"
The Shinigami, however, wasn't listening to him. It just continued to mutter to itself before declaring, "Come, young Yokai! I'll take you to Yomi! You have suffered enough injustice! I can feel it! Your rage is what gave you the power to summon me, correct?"
Now, a good person would have disagreed, would have explained the truth, and would have possibly inquired about whether or not it was time for the Shinigami to get a new eyeglass prescription. Mizuki, however, was not a good person, so he just nodded. "Indeed, My Lord! I was positively infuriated when they shoved me into eternal punishment! The inhumanity! I do hope that you'll look into the utter morons who have ruined my last year and a half."
The Shinigami nodded, seemingly forgetting all about his denial of being a Yokai. "Of course. Let's go." It turned to Snake-guy and said, "And I will be filing a complaint with you."
Snake-guy just stared at it blankly. The Shinigami, satisfied, whirled its hand, and it and Mizuki popped out of existence. All was silent for a bit until Yumiko shrieked, "Did he abandon us here!? He did, didn't he!? Oh my god, the next time I see him I'll—"
"Stop," Snake-guy said, tired. "Just...just stop. Let's set up camp. I'll probably lose my job by morning, anyway."
Yumiko scowled while many other members of the group also let out cries of disdain. "We've still got some life in us, Snakey."
"My name is Tanin," Snake-guy said. "And you're all dead."
"What does that have to do with anything?"
Tanin just sighed. "Set up camp."
The group grudgingly agreed. As Yumiko continued her work, though, she noticed something. "Uh...Tanin? It's morning. Wait, no, it's night...and it's morning again. What the hell, why is it snowing!?"
Tanin just put his face in his hands. "Lord Shinigami forgot to set time back to normal, didn't he?"
"That thing's got a gender?"
"...no, not really."
"And what does this mean?" another member of the group demanded, pointing at the rapidly increasing blanket of snow on the ground.
"It means we're experiencing an entire year in a human day."
Meanwhile in a place that didn't look like Hell (despite being in it):
Perhaps the fact that it was snowing, or that night and day were flitting by a bit too quickly, should have been worrying to Mizuki, but he couldn't bring himself to care. Here he was in this high-tech, futuristic city, guaranteed protection from enteral—or, rather, twenty centuries of—eternal punishment, and he refused to look a gift horse in the mouth. So, he walked happily beside the Shinigami, chatting amicably.
"So, My Lord, why is it snowing?"
"It happens," the Shinigami said, waving him away. "You know, the seasons and stuff."
Not caring enough to further pursue that line of conversation, Mizuki just nodded. "So, you got a girl?"
The Shinigami laughed heartily. "I don't date! The last person I dated tried to murder me!"
"But you're literally the death god, My Lord."
"And that's why I still live and she doesn't!"
Mizuki grinned. "Nice to know, My Lord." The inane conversations continued on until the reached a building that towered over all the others. Despite how excited he should be, Mizuki couldn't help but feel a sudden sense of dread. "My Lord, what is this building?"
"This is the home of the government that rules Hell. We're going to meet Izanami, Hell's ruler. She will grant you citizenship when we explain the situation to her."
Izanami. That name sounded familiar. As Mizuki entered the building, he said, "Can you tell me more about Izanami?" He discreetly eyed the massive fountain of blood in the middle of the lobby, trying to not be disturbed.
The Shinigami hummed. "She is the god of death—"
"I thought you were the god of death."
The Shinigami ignored him. "—and she is quite powerful. Definitely could destroy the entirety of Hell." Mizuki's stomach dropped. "She's extremely calm and caring...unless you mention her ex-husband, then she goes into a serious rage."
"Oh. I will remember not to do that."
"It's in your best interest. Don't do anything stupid, my friend. She is your quick-pass to citizenship. Trust me, you don't want to go through all the bureaucracy."
Mizuki tried to control his breathing. This was okay. Sure, Izanami was the all-powerful ruler of Hell, but it wasn't like she would be able to tell that he wasn't half-Yokai, right? (Mizuki might be a horrible human being, but he sure as hell wasn't stupid. So, he internally sobbed.)
The Shinigami went over to the front desk and said to the attendant. "I'm here to request a meeting with Queen Izanami."
The three-eyed woman behind the desk just said, "Queen Izanami is unavailable. I apologize for the inconvenience, Lord Shinigami."
The Shinigami paused. "But it's urgent."
"If you want to approach her while she throws a tantrum about Lord Izanagi, go right ahead."
The Shinigami turned around. "Izanami seems to be indisposed at the moment."
"...I see."
"Worry not, my friend. You can stay with me until she's available. You don't mind interacting with my tenant, correct?"
A bit confused, Mizuki said, "Of course not, My Lord."
The Shinigami smiled. "Wonderful." With another swirl of its hand, a door appeared in front of them. A sign was hanging on it which read, in flowery calligraphy, "Break the door and I'll break your spine."
"How lovely."
The Shinigami snorted before opening the door. Mizuki smiled weakly and walked inside. The first thing he noticed was the tasteful furniture. The second thing he noticed was Minato goddamn Namikaze lying down on the couch, reading a novel of some sort. The Fourth Hokage, without even looking up from the text, said, "You forgot to pay the water bill again."
"Oops. Sorry about that."
And Mizuki promptly fainted.
Sakura sat at her desk, twirling the pen in her hand. She really didn't know why she was bored. After all, she had a bit of a crisis on her hands. (Vaguely, she wondered when her life had gone so wrong. Wait, no, she remembered. It was that one time way back when.) The mole had escaped along with another traitor—a man she had previously considered her most trusted servant. The pen promptly broke in half under the force of her glowing green glare. "Monsters, the lot of them," she muttered. She no longer knew who to trust. If Suyo was an undercover operative, then everyone else could be one, too. Well, she could trust her mother—
No, her mother couldn't handle this kind of stuff. She was already inconsolable at the prospect of Suyo being a traitor. (Strangely enough, she had seemed completely unfazed by her father's death, instead encouraging Sakura to take after his footsteps. Sakura was sure that there was something there, but she didn't have the mental capacity to think about it at the moment.) Sighing, she continued to stare blankly out the window—
—only for Kakashi and Sasuke to come slamming into the room, shattering her precious window in the process. Sasuke screamed, "Put me down, you're going to kill me!"
"Nonsense, you're in great hands!"
Sakura just sighed. "Put him down, Kakashi-sensei."
Kakashi pouted. "You're always so mean to me, Pinky." Nevertheless, he placed a mildly annoyed Sasuke on the ground.
"What do you two want?"
"We need to get a C-rank," Kakashi said. "I'm sure that you have very important things going on, but I'm practically broke, so—"
"Sure," Sakura said.
Kakashi blinked, confused. "You're agreeing just like that?"
"I need to get my mind off of this right now."
"But still—"
"Kakashi-sensei," Sasuke said, "don't look a gift horse in the mouth."
"...fair enough. Ducky, Pinky, off we go!" He promptly jumped out of Sakura's shattered window, leaving the two thirteen-year-olds alone.
Sakura hummed. "Why is he flashing all of Konoha?"
"Because he's Kakashi-sensei."
"Good point." She suddenly turned to him, face serious. "Sasuke, I have a job for you."
The smile melted off his face and he crossed his arms. "Explain."
"I know the Chisana Shinigami can steal goods and kill a man, but I wonder how well he is at stealing men."
Sasuke made a noise of interest. "I'm listening."
Sakura grinned, all teeth. "Good. Two men are on the loose: Michi Tanaka and Suyo."
Sasuke tilted his head, leaning slightly against the wall. "Suyo? You've gotten yourself into quite an ordeal, haven't you?"
"You have no idea. So, can you do it?"
"Of course I can. When do you need them?"
"When can you get them?"
"...how about we talk later?"
"Of course," Sakura said. There was a beat of silence, then, "The last one to wherever the hell Kakashi-sensei's going has to wrestle him into some clothes."
"Oh, you're on, Pinky!"
"What do you mean he's 'perfectly fine'?" Shisui demanded. "He's unconscious! He won't wake up!"
The nurse just stared at him, completely unimpressed. "I'm sorry, Sir, but he's in perfect health. As far as we can tell, he's just a deep sleeper. If you want, we can throw a bucket of water on him."
"I don't care what you do, just get him awake before all of Konoha riots because the Kyuubi Jinchuuriki is unconscious!"
The nurse rolled his eyes and walked into the bathroom. He returned with a tub full of water which he poured unceremoniously onto Naruto. The blond sat upright with a huge gasp, screaming, "Shut the hell u— Oh, I'm out."
Shisui stared at Naruto, eyes wide, before looking back at the nurse, who was giving him a smug grin. "See? He was just asleep."
Ignoring him, Shisui crouched next to Naruto, patting his soaking wet shoulder. "Hey, you good, kid?"
Naruto scowled before shoving his hand away roughly. "No! I was just stuck in my mind with an annoying fox that keeps calling me a moron and it's all your fault!"
Shisui blinked. "How is it my fault?"
"It's your Sharingan! I've never been exposed to it before and the Kyuubi must have sensed it! It sent up a bunch of its chakra and I fell unconscious!"
"How do you know that?"
"...I mean, it's kind of a guess, but it's highly plausible!"
"Highly plausible isn't enough to blame me!" Shisui retorted. "'Innocent until proven guilty,' you know?"
"All I know is 'alive until dead' and I sure as hell don't like seeing you alive right now."
Shisui pulled back, ignoring the nurse's snickers. "Okay, now I'm hurt."
"That was kind of the point."
"Well," the nurse said, opening the door while trying to stop his shoulders from shaking, "since you two are fine, you can leave."
"Yeah, we should—" Shisui paused. "...that's another wall."
"No, it's a genjutsu," the nurse corrected.
"Stop genjutsuing the entire goddamn hospital!"
"If you have a complaint, take it up with the customer service desk."
"And where is that?" The nurse pointed at the far wall, the one with a window overlooking the merchant district of Konoha.
Slowly, Naruto asked, "Is that a genjutsu, too?"
"No, I kind of just wanted Mr. Uchiha to jump to his death."
Shisui sniffed. "Rude."
Jiraiya leaned closer to the picture of the seal he had been presented with, inspecting it. Finally, he said, "Yep, that's Orochimaru's handiwork, alright."
"It is," Hiruzen agreed. "So, what do you think it does?"
Jiraiya snorted. "You want me to tell you the meaning of a seal this complex from just a picture?"
Hiruzen took in a deep breath from his pipe, then blew the smoke out in a long trail. "Complex? It doesn't look complex to me."
"Well then, your eyesight is waning, old man. I don't know where Orochimaru learned stuff this complex, but this is a whole new level. I'll have to touch the actual seal to get all the details. This thing has brushwork inside the larger strokes and different brush types, too. It's the whole shebang."
"...you'll have to touch the actual seal?"
Jiraiya sighed. "Yes, Sensei, that's what I said."
"You see, that's a bit problematic."
A frown crossed the Sannin's face. "Why?"
Hiruzen contemplated whether or not he should be telling his student this, then decided that Jiraiya was (hopefully) not a pedophile, and said, "Well…" Judging from Jiraiya's reaction to his explanation he was not, in fact, a pedophile.
Well, that was one less thing to worry about.
- End of Chapter Seven -
Omake:
The Kyuubi growled, completely unimpressed at a two-year-old Naruto's inability to handle cards. "You're a disgrace," it muttered. "Your mother was an amazing poker player and this is how you honor her memory? By being terrible at cards?" Not that the Kyuubi enjoyed Kushina's poker games, but there was something incredibly satisfying about seeing your landlord taking a grown man's entire life savings in the course of a few hours.
Rising from his resting position, the Kyuubi growled, "Listen here, chicken, hold the sides of the card, not the middle." Much to the Kyuubi's surprise, Naruto obeyed. The demon paused for a bit, then said, "Say 'I'm a brat.'"
"Um a bat!"
The Kyuubi's lips curled into a grin. "It's time I teach you how to play poker…"
And that was how Naruto learned how to gamble. It was truly unfortunate when Naruto suddenly started ignoring the voice in his head, but at least he didn't forget what it had taught him. The Kyuubi didn't regret it one bit.
unifrog1331: I, too, love his chill. I'm trying to stay true to how envisioned him when I started this: unintentionally and unapologetically badass. Am I doing it?
Gensuru: I agree, that kind of behavior should not fly in real life. Mikoto did it because she was Mikoto (and I wanted her to be more badass than she was in the anime and I'm still working on how to properly do that) but no one really has the right to butt in on complex medical stuff. And I'm glad that you thought the chapter was fun!
Kifu: Thank you, I'm glad that you liked it! I hope that I haven't scared you away with my five months of inactivity...I probably did. But still, thank you!
FabulousMoonie: Thanks for the compliment!
I'M ALIVE.
Guess what's completely unedited. This chapter, that's what, so there are probably a lot of spelling errors in this. I banged this out in the last two days after a sudden hit of inspiration. All I needed was five months of complete inactivity, 'cause apparently, that's how my brain works.
Anyway, I know, Yomi is the entire underworld, not just a city, but I'm blending stuff into this, okay? Also, I tried to not use many italics (sorry, the joke is going to rest) because one day, I was flipping through a book of mine and realized, "Huh, this doesn't have a lot of italics." I went through a few more books and realized that italics isn't really employed that often. So, I'm trying to cut back on them. I feel like the whole thing still works, but if not, please tell me.
Also, I'm sorry about the previously mentioned five months of inactivity. I'll try to be more active but I feel like you guys know not to trust me at this point.
Until next time, this is SSSRHA, signing out!
