'You never know unless you try' That was a thought that kept circling around Matt's head all night, so much so that he couldn't sleep. Was L suggesting that I try telling Mello how I feel? What good would that do? He's so bipolar, even if he does like me… it's hardly likely that he will admit it.
No, Matt, he's right. You have to tell Mello how you feel or I'll be living like this for the rest of my life.
Yeah, I could just live like this for the rest of my life. That's cool.
Okay, Matt just go and tell him… you're being an idiot.
No, forget it… you'll look like even more of an idiot when Mello decides to pun-
"Matt-kun, will you quit rolling around in bed and go and talk to Mello."
What? "Uh, I… L, I was just about-"
"Matt-kun." L raises his eyebrows at the red head climbing out of bed. He chuckles, raising his hand to cover his mouth.
"What?" Matt asks anxiously.
"You might want to sort out your hair before you go." With that Matt lifts his hand to feel his hair. Oh, great… bed hair, of course.
So Matt went to bathroom to brush his hair and thought he'd better brush his teeth too… that wouldn't go down well if I didn't. When he was done, he set off down the hall back to room 12M. It had been a while since he had been looking forward to going in here. He felt happy. Nervous but happy.
Still having no idea how this conversation was going to go or even how he would start it, Matt turned the door handle and walked in to his and Mello's room. He looked around only to find it to be empty. I hadn't thought that it might be empty…
Not really sure what to do with himself he walked in to the room anyway and noticed a book on Mello's bed. Hm, wonder what he's been reading now? He thought only to find out that it wasn't something that Mello had been reading, but something the boy had been writing.
Dear Diary,
Where to begin today? Once again I have gone and done something completely irrational without thinking and ruined everything.
Please tell me why I ruin everything? Was I born to be one big messed up sinner? Thanks Lord, thanks a bunch.
I shouldn't be reading this…
It's not even my fault. It's Matt's.
Oh…
It's always Matt's fault. Every time he's around I end up doing something stupid. It's his fault that I freak out and beat him up. Eugh, that idiotic, good for nothing red head asks for it.
I wouldn't be surprised if that fag got a kick out of me beating him up. Swear he's got some weird crush on me or something.
I really shouldn't be reading this. Tears filled up the young boys eyes as he threw the book back down on the bed and ran out of the room. The words that he'd read in Mello's diary was not something he had expected to find. He was incredibly hurt.
If only he had kept on reading…
Alright, it's not really his fault that I hit him. I mean… it is his fault in a way. I wouldn't freak out if he wasn't so wonderful.
What am I saying?
Yeah, okay I don't know what to do with myself when he's around. I get nervous and I freak and I always take my anger out on him. I know I shouldn't but I feel like I have to hit him, you know? Like if I do then maybe all of this stupid confusion would go away?
I'm not going to give in. When I came out to my Mother, I told her that I would never act on my feelings. I wouldn't go as far as to sin. I like to wear my rosary around my neck sort of like a reminder, something to keep me grounded.
But then I lost it the yesterday. You know, when Matt told me about him and L. Eugh of all people that L could go for… why my Matt? Well, he's not mine… but I wish he was.
Okay, this is a diary entry. A dip into the depths of my heart, soul and mind. Or something. So I guess it would do me good to be honest with you?
I love him.
He's wonderful. He's the kindest, most caring person I have ever met in my life. When we were growing up he was the only one at Wammy's that tried to befriend me and even though I tried to push him away, he never gave up. He would always get me out of trouble or take the wrap for anything I did wrong. He even used to sneak chocolate from the kitchen just for me. He always used to try his hardest to make me smile. Heck, even know he puts up with all of my mood swings. He even puts up with my horribly selfish behaviour. He always has. Even as children I had a temper and he was the only one that could calm me down. He doesn't really do that anymore… maybe he doesn't see the point in bothering with me anymore?
What on earth should I do? I've never felt like this about anyone. I've tried to have a relationship with girls, I really have. But no matter how hard I try, none of them ever compare. I couldn't even tell you exactly what this feeling is. When I think about him, it makes me feel so happy… I don't know. But then I remember that it's wrong. It is… Mother says so. It's in the bible. Oh no, I can't believe I spat that in his face. I actually quoted the bible and told him that he's sick and that he's a bad person.
Then I did an incredibly stupid thing: I kissed him. It was amazing. His lips are so soft and warm. He was warm, with soft skin. Soft hair. Soft heartbeat. It was fast, but everything about him seemed so gentle and kind. I felt like I knew him better than I ever have. Like I finally understood everything I needed to know about him. Okay, so I didn't and what I'm saying sounds really cliché and stupid. But he's so amazingly beautiful. In that moment that I kissed him, I didn't even care about anything else. About being gay, about kissing a man, about my Mother or my Father or even about God. All I could think of was the undeniable happy feeling that was swirling around in my stomach. I can't explain it but I've never felt like that when I've kissed anyone before. But then I've never kissed anyone I really loved.
But I kissed him. I slammed him in to the wall and kissed him straight on the mouth. I ripped my rosary off my neck and I kissed a man. No, I kissed Matt. Heck, what does it matter, Mother is going to hate me all the same. I have done a terrible thing. She's going to be so angry.
There's no hiding these things from her. She constantly asks me to makes sure I haven't done anything sinful with a man. She knows that I could never lie to her. Next time she calls, what on earth shall I do? Mother is the only one who knows that I'm… dare I write it… gay. Father doesn't know a thing but she says that if I ever acted upon my feelings that she would have to inform him right away.
That will not go well.
They are going to freak out. The truth is... I'm okay with being gay. It's something I have just accepted about myself. Even when I cam out to my Mother, the whole thing was fine for me. That was until she lost it. She went crazy, spouting out that I must have been brought here by the devil and how unfair it is that she had to be given such a curse for a son. She even kicked me out for a week. She made me stay at My Grandmother's house. When I arrived home she locked me in my room for a week and three days and told me to reread the bible and pay close attention to Leviticus. Then I had to write an essay on how homosexuality is wrong and that it was okay because she was going to take me to church so that I could repent for my sins. She said 'It'll be okay dear. You can says sorry and we will make sure you are healed.' Healed? Like being gay is a disease or something?
So I ran away from home. No, I ran away from my Mother's. I was already coming here to be schooled and so I figured why not stay here in the orphanage? and that's where I met Matt. No, Matt doesn't know my secret... but he has always made sure that I know that he accepts me no matter what.
Anyway, I have some things to take care of. I'm just wondering, should I just tell Matt how I feel? I've already kissed him… so there's no going back with mother?
I just thought, that's a stupid idea. I know he's gay but he might not even like me… I could be putting everything on the line for someone that hates me.
Maybe I could just tell him… besides my family, my religion and most importantly my pride… what have I got to lose?
"Matt-kun, sh, it's okay." L says as he tries to comfort the young auburn haired boy, stroking his head and holding him tightly. "I'm sure everything will be fine."
"You know better than I do L that you have no reason to say that" the hurt boy snaps.
"I know" He says, still holding the boy close to him in an attempt to make him feel better.
"I just… I really thought after yesterday that he might like me." He says crying in to the older boys chest. "I guess… I guess it's time I-I gave up on Mello."
A/N~ Hello everyone, I hope you enjoyed this update. I know not a lot happened, but I really wanted a chapter where we could get a better picture of what's going on inside Mello's head.
Please leave a review, it makes me feel all happy when you do! :3 Should Mello tell Matt how he feels? Or do you think he needs to keep his parents happy? And what about poor ol' Matt, 'ey? :/
Anyway, thank you for reading you lovely people 3
