CH 8
Wilson's strange behavior when House asked him out to dinner confirmed that something was going on behind House's back. "I can't," the oncologist had said. "I have other plans."
"What other plans?" House demanded, leaning heavily on his cane as he stood over Wilson's desk.
"A date."
"A date?" House asked suspiciously.
"Yes, sometimes when two people are interested in each other, they go out to dinner and talk. It's a fairly common practice in most countries."
House rolled his eyes. "So who's the hottie? Blonde nurse on the second floor with the huge breasts?"
"No, she's…"
"Cuddy?" House asked, cutting his friend off. Wilson was speechless.
"Why would you guess Cuddy?" he returned after a moment, clearly shocked that House would suggest such a thing. House couldn't tell whether the shock was from his deductive abilities or from Wilson's displeasure about being wrongfully paired with the hospital administrator. House tried his best innocent look.
"No reason. She looks happy and you haven't pressured me to ask her out or tell her how I feel in a while. Is it Cuddy?"
"Maybe," Wilson answered. "Or it might be the brunette lab tech that I had coffee with this morning."
"Player…at least you're keeping your options open, though." House had returned to his office after that. Wilson had looked astounded, staring after his best friend from behind his desk.
House eased himself down into his chair, picked up his ball and started tossing it in the air. Whether or not Cuddy and Wilson were sleeping together, House was going to find some way to embarrass them into confessing whatever was going on. It was a while before anyone came into his office and he was a bit startled to find the tiny Jew standing before him. He got an update from Taub on the patient, checked in on Wilson once again and settled down to write his journal entry for the day.
'Day Eight:
Wilson is avoiding me. Which means he wants to keep something from me. Which prompts the question, 'is Cuddy hiding something from me?' I wonder if Cuddy would produce better results than Wilson had if I went up to her and asked her if Wilson liked to be on top or liked her to do all the work. She would definitely be offended whether she knew Wilson's sexual preferences or not. I think I shall ask tomorrow morning.'
With his decision made, House sat back, waiting for his chance to put his plans in motion. The epiphany came to him after he had settled back to into his chair. He got up quickly and limped off hurriedly in the direction of the patient room. His team looked up as he entered. "Are either of the two halves of this whole freak sexually active?" he asked without hesitation.
"Both say no," Thirteen told him, checking the chart. He looked disappointedly at the Siamese twins before him.
"No need to be modest. One of you has got to be getting some. Besides, what guy wouldn't want an automatic threesome?"
"It wasn't a threesome," the girl on the right side of the singular unit said. "We're joined at the hip, not the vagina." Her face was deep red.
"Doesn't matter. If one of you does something, the other automatically has to. You're stuck together."
"I had sex, my sister didn't," the left half said.
"I know." House sighed. "Why can't people just tell us the truth? If whatever malformed cretin that got with the twins was insensitive, the right half would still be embarrassed even if she didn't know his sexual preferences."
"What?" Taub asked, thoroughly confused.
"He drugs Sarah, the girl on the right, but she has three kidneys to filter the stuff out of her system. Susan, the girl on the left, only has one kidney that doesn't function fully and the stuff gets washed into her system, causes her to get sick," Thirteen explained.
"Right. See if the dynamic duo had split up like the good doctors wanted them to and Righty hadn't been so greedy as to keep the good kidneys for herself she could have been kept clean and her slutty sister wouldn't have had to be poisoned to get her rocks off."
"We ran a tox screen when they came in; it came back negative for everything."
"It came back negative for everything we test for," House pointed out. "Means he gave her something we didn't test for. Get her on dialysis and slap the parents for not wanting to let the kids have separate lives." He left the room, satisfied with the outcome of his case and returned to his office to plot his revenge on his lying boss and best friend.
