Ugh, you know when real life just has those days that are so ~dull~ that if your favourite book character appeared out of nowhere and said they could whisk you back to their world, you would say yes? Oh, who am I kidding, I would say yes no matter what day it was.
Seriously, Magnus Bane, where are you? *deep sigh*
Anyways enough moping. Enjoy the new chapter, sorry it's kinda long. Please drop a review, let me know what you thought, and I'll update soon!
Oh, and be prepared for a tragic backstory in this chapter... (I'm evil, I know)
8: Apologies
Tessa
This was definitely not how I had imagined my evening.
Will Herondale. Drunk. In my bedroom. Kissing me.
The kiss wasn't sweet or soft - it was burning. Will's heat was seeping into me, his mouth desperate on mine. His hands were in my hair, pulling out my ponytail until my hair was out in wild tangles.
I couldn't remember wrapping my arms round his neck, but then again I couldn't really remember anything just then - barely even my own name. Half of me was yelling at myself to push him off me, to shriek, to stomp on his foot. The other half was whispering for me to kiss him harder and never let go.
But I could taste alcohol, and I could feel the way he was half leaning into me, unsteady on his feet. And I could feel my phone buzzing frantically in my pocket.
I managed to use my last shred of willpower to stumble away, gasping, and fumble for my phone. I turned away from Will, my heart hammering erratically in my chest.
"Tess - " he croaked.
"Hey, Tessa, it's me." Jem's voice came from my phone. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to focus.
"Cecily and I are outside - can we come in?"
"Uh, hang on." I said, still struggling for breath. I couldn't hear Nate, he must be in his room. "I'll come down with Will." I said. "Just stay there."
"Tessa, are you alright?" Jem asked.
"Just fine." I mumbled, and hung up.
Will had folded his arms when I turned back around. "You were talking to Jem? He's here?"
"Who did you think I was calling before?" I asked, my voice quivering. "Oh, that's right, you're drunk. You wouldn't know."
Will winced. "Don't yell. It hurts."
"That wasn't yelling." I was worried if I got too close to Will I would crack and start kissing him again, but I managed to grab his arm and lead him over to my bedroom door without jumping on him.
"Tess - "
"You have to stay completely quiet, okay?" I told him, not meeting his eyes. "I'm serious."
"Tessa."
I ignored Will, opening the door and leading him out towards the kitchen. Every footstep made me wince. I could hear faint snoring from behind Nate's bedroom door - which meant he was asleep, thank goodness.
I tiptoed lightly, but Will stumbled with every step and I had to half hold him up.
"Stupid floor's so uneven." he muttered. "Keeps shifting."
"Please shut up."
The kitchen was dark and eerie, Will bumped into the table and cursed loudly. I shushed him. From Nate's room, I heard the creaking of bedsprings.
I fumbled with the lock on the front door in the semi-darkness, Will leaning half against me and mumbling something about my hair. Angels help me. I wanted so badly to kiss him - it was ridiculous.
When I finally got the door open, Jem and Cecily were waiting on the other side. Jem smiled at me, but I could see the weariness in his eyes. Cecily, on the other hand, looked murderous.
"Hey, squad," Will mumbled and promptly passed out.
Jem grabbed him easily, holding him up. Cecily just glared.
"I'm sorry about this." I said quietly, unsure what else to say.
Cecily turned her burning gaze on me. "Did he say anything to you, Tessa, about why he'd decided to prance off and get wasted?" She directed the last part at Will, who was slowly coming round.
"Uh… not really." I mumbled.
"It's alright, Cecily," Jem said quietly, his calming tone fading from an abundance of use. "We'll get him home. He'll be okay."
"That's not the point!" Cecily snapped, and if I didn't know her better I would have said she was almost crying.
"The point is a subject for another day." Jem heaved Will up into a half-standing position.
"Will you be alright?" I asked quietly.
"We will." Jem gave me a sad smile. "Thanks for looking after him, Tessa."
Cecily bit her lip. "Yeah, thank you."
"Tess - " Will managed to say, trying to step towards me. Jem took firm hold of him and pulled him away. "Will, leave it. You've done enough."
But all I could take in was the glints in Will's eyes as he turned his head back to me one last time. Then Jem pulled him away down the stairs into darkness.
Cecily turned as if she was about to go too, but paused.
"Are you alright, Cecy?" I asked, coming to stand beside her.
Her voice was broken. "No."
Something in my chest splintered as I put an arm around her, words drying up on my tongue. Cecily wasn't the type for hugs and affection, but she turned and grabbed me tightly enough it hurt. But I said nothing, just rested my head against hers.
There was, as Will had once told me, nothing to say.
Then Cecily pulled away, gave me a shaky smile, and disappeared into the darkness after Jem and Will.
I stood at the doorway for a long time before slowly and silently back up the stairs. I washed and undressed on autopilot, and then crumpled into bed. It smelt faintly of Will - coffee and rain.
I lay awake for a very long time that night.
Will
I barely remembered the drive home, only that I wished Tessa was there with me.
Tessa…
Cecily stalked inside as soon as we got home. She was mad at me and I knew I was supposed to feel bad - but I couldn't quite, not when I was so numb.
Jem's face was a mask, but cracks of exhaustion were spilling through as he looked over at me from the driver's seat. "Will - "
"Ugh, don't lecture me." I grumbled. My fingers fumbled over the handle on the car door, but I couldn't figure out how to open it.
"Don't give me that." Jem was mad too, now, and somewhere in the back of my mind I felt a prick of shame.
"Why'd you lock the car doors?" I asked, wrenching on the handle.
"I haven't." Jem rolled his eyes as the door finally shoved open and I nearly fell out of the car.
The cold night air woke me up a bit, enough that I realised how stupid I looked hanging out the door.
I managed to get out of the car by gripping onto the door with both hands. The ground swayed underneath me as my feet hit the concrete, and I closed my eyes as my stomach rolled. "Not a good idea…"
"None of your ideas are ever good." Jem said, getting out of the car too and closing the door gently. That was the thing about Jem, no matter how mad he was he would never slam a door. It might disturb someone else, and Jem wouldn't do that.
But I shoved my door shut hard, so the slam made the whole car shudder.
"Will." Jem was in front of me, grabbing my shoulders.
"Geroff me." I pushed away and nearly fell over.
"Not this time." Jem grabbed my arm instead and started dragging me towards the house.
"You're angry." I noted, observantly.
Jem's jaw tightened. He was such a good friend - I didn't deserve him. "One day," I said seriously, spreading my arms wide, "you're going to make a girl really happy, James."
Jem shot me a look. "This isn't about me, William, it's about you."
"I am the centre of the universe, after all." I acknowledged. "What's wrong?"
Jem stopped walking, and I nearly tripped over his foot. The ground tilted again. Stupid London was so uneven.
"What's wrong," Jem said, spinning round to face me, "is that I can't believe you, Will."
"I can't even believe myself, sometimes." I muttered.
Jem ignored this. "Will, you're hard on yourself all the time, and as much as Cecily and I try to help you, we know that we can't change that. I - I hate it when you're hurting like this, but you don't seem to realise that you're not the only one you're hurting."
"Who - "
Jem's eyes sparked. "Will, for goodness sake, I'm used to it. Your family gets it, and we hurt, but we can keep it together because we know you. But Tessa - "
My chest tightened at the name. "What about her?"
"What about her?" Jem glared at me. "Will, she doesn't know you - and you turned up completely drunk at her house! Tessa doesn't deserve you breaking her, okay? She's - she's already going through enough moving from New York. She doesn't deserve it. And I don't get how even you could be that selfish."
Jem's face went in and out of focus, his words rattling round in my brain. It was true, what he'd said, disgustingly true.
That's why I'd needed to get drunk. Sometimes, it was the only way I could lie to myself.
"Well?" Jem demanded. "Are you going to defend yourself?"
"I - " I tried to explain to him, tell him about Tessa's voice in my head and her perfume filling my brain and her clear, soft eyes -
"Nope, you're going to pass out instead." I heard Jem mutter as I swayed dangerously. Everything was becoming more and more unfocused.
I didn't remember anything after that.
Tessa
Will wasn't at school the next day.
I didn't know if it was a good thing or a bad thing, and to be honest I was trying not to think about it.
Cecily barely talked to anyone the whole day, her face pale and her eyes burning. Jem was the opposite - polite and distant, like some of the life had been sucked out of him.
We mentioned Will only once, before classes started, when I asked if he was okay.
"Oh, just fine." Cecily muttered.
Jem closed his eyes for a moment. "Alright. He's sleeping it off. I'm sorry, Tessa."
"It's fine." I said quickly.
"No, it's not." Jem told me.
It was a grey, drizzly day, a lot like my mood. School took forever to finish.
I walked home for once, instead of going to Cecily's place. The sky cracked open just before I reached home, and I had to sprint the last half block before stumbling into the kitchen dripping with rain.
I stole one of Nate's jumpers and jammed it on, shivering. Tea, I thought. Must have tea.
Then the doorbell rang.
Nate couldn't be home this early, could he? Maybe it was Cecily, wanting to talk. Maybe it was Jem.
Maybe -
I shook the thought out of my mind, walking over to the door and pulling it open.
It was Will.
"Seriously?" I choked out, slamming the door. I pretended I hadn't taken in his wild hair and washed-out eyes.
"Tessa?" Will called from the other side of the door.
I pressed my back into the wood, sliding down the doorframe. "Go away."
"Tess, please. I'm sorry."
I squeezed my eyes shut, even as my chest lurched at his voice. "Leave me alone, Will."
"Tessa. I just want to apologise."
"Well, I don't want to hear it."
I heard him sigh. "Will you please just open the damn door for a second."
I huffed out a sigh. "You won't leave until I do, will you?"
"No."
I pictured Will leaning against the door when Nate got home and sighed again. "Fine."
I jerked the door open again, but only halfway. If I leant half against the ajar doorframe, I could support myself on my unsteady legs.
Will Herondale was a mess. His clothes were rumpled, there were shadows under his eyes, and he must have run his hands through his hair a million times for it to be standing on end that much.
"Tess," he said quietly, his eyes so wide and earnest that I wanted to grab him and fling my arms around him.
What? No I didn't. Of course not. Totally not.
"You'd better have a pretty good grovelling speech memorised." I told Will.
He didn't smile. "I don't. I probably shouldn't have come. But I'm sorry, Tessa. I've been called an idiot before - "
I snorted.
"But last night was high on the idiotic scale." Will continued. "I barged in, nearly got you in trouble with your brother, freaked you out probably and totally ruined your evening."
"Yep. That's about right." I narrowed my eyes at him.
Will sighed, looking down at his feet. "There's no right way to say this, but I really am sorry, Tess."
I sighed, my anger slipping through my fingers like water. That was Will, no one could stay mad at him for long.
I held open the door. "You'd better come inside."
Will looked up from under his lashes and gave me a half smile - small and almost shy. He followed me into the kitchen. I was very aware of my dripping hair, the cramped and dingy room, and Will's soft footsteps behind me.
"I was going to make tea." I said awkwardly. "Do you want some?"
"Sure." Will said. He was looking round the room, not with raised eyebrows but with genuine interest.
I was grateful not to look at him for a moment as I switched on the kettle and got out two chipped mugs. "You'd better sit down." I called over my shoulder. I heard a chair scrape as Will obeyed.
Finally, there was nothing to do but wait for the kettle to boil, and I had to turn round and face him.
He opened his mouth, but I cut him off. "Don't bother with another apology. I get it."
"Do you forgive me, though?" he asked, searching my face.
I hesitated. "I'm not sure."
Will deflated slightly. "You don't have to." he said wearily. "I just - maybe it would help if I explained - "
"What the hell you were thinking?"
"Yeah."
The kettle's purring had grown louder, and Will had to raise his voice so I could hear him. He didn't look at me as he spoke. "I've already told you about - about Ella. She was killed just over a year ago."
The flat, dull way he said it made my chest tighten. I pressed my fingers against the cool bench behind me and leant against it.
"We were driving to… the cinemas, I think." Will said. "She'd been so busy with school and everything, and I was glad she'd been able to even come. I'd talked her into watching some - some superhero movie with me, and I was explaining the plot of the previous movies, and - " he stopped, his jaw working.
"You don't have to…" I began.
"I do. I owe you that much." Will said firmly. "I just - that day was a fog, for me. All I remember was that, when we crashed, I was crushed into my seat - I think I broke my ankle or something, I definitely hit my head - and I couldn't see Ella, and I was… trying to call out for her."
I closed my eyes, gripping the edge of the bench tightly. I didn't want hear this - but Will owed me to tell it and I owed him to listen.
"It was like - " Will closed his eyes too, as I opened mine. He searched for the right words. "Like a weight on my chest, like everything was caving in on me. And even when I was better and - and a month had passed, the feeling stayed. It was like I was trapped in London, like I was - I was drowning inside myself." His voice cracked and he fell silent for a moment.
"Will - "
"It's okay." he said gently. It wasn't. "I just need to tell you this. My whole family was grieving, then, but I took it the worst of all. I blamed myself for what happened."
"It wasn't your fault - " I began fiercely, but Will cut me off. "I know. I know that, but it didn't stop a small part of me from… from hating myself. I spent half a year like that." He breathed out a long breath. "I couldn't sleep without nightmares. So I started staying up late, walking round the city at night… drinking, sometimes… I just - I wasn't a good person, then. And I know everyone saw it, everyone could tell I had stopped fighting. I was sinking and I had given up."
I tasted blood, I'd bit my lip hard enough to make a cut. I didn't know what to say - I wished Will would look at me.
"That's why - that's why I went to New York." he said again after a moment. "I can't remember who decided I should go, me or my parents. But I just - I couldn't stay in London, not when everything reminded me of… of that day."
"Why New York?" I managed to get out.
He smiled slightly, but not at me. "I couldn't stay in the country, I'd just be alone with my thoughts. I wanted something busy, and - and bright, but still different from London. I don't know. I was meant to stay there for only a month - a few, at most. But I didn't want to leave. I wouldn't have - if Cecily hadn't called me every day and demanded to know when I was coming home."
Cecily's pale face from today filled up my mind, I wished Will knew how much she loved him.
"So," Will said, talking loud and fast over the kettle, "then I came home again. But I've been - been feeling it again, lately…" he sighed, running his hands through his hair, "it's been about a week since I've slept properly. And last night - I just… I couldn't take it."
The kettle had risen up to a scream, the roaring pounding in my ears. My heart was breaking for Will in a thousand different ways, and I couldn't quite believe that he was offering this story up to me, still raw and bleeding.
And then, finally, Will looked at me. "And I don't remember much, but I do remember you asking me what I was thinking coming here." His eyes were vast pools, and in this light they looked too big for his hollow face. "And, what I couldn't say to you before, Tess, was…" he took another breath, "when I'm with you, the feeling kind of fades away."
I was frozen, still pressed against the bench, staring at him. "What?"
"I can't really explain it," Will said, "but it's like the noise in my head just - the volume goes down when I'm talking to you."
I could feel my cheeks flaming. "I…Why?"
Will smiled slightly. "At first, I thought it was because you were from New York, and you reminded me of the city. But - but that's not really the reason." His eyes didn't leave my face. "It's just - it's how you read the same tragic, soppy books I do, and I can talk to you like we've known each other for years, and it's the way you blush when I compliment you, and the way you always say what you're thinking…" he trailed off, still looking at me.
What was I thinking? I wasn't thinking. I was completely pressed against the bench, my legs suddenly too weak to support my weight. I was - I was blushing like a complete idiot, I'm sure.
"You should probably get that." Will said after a moment, and now he was smirking slightly.
"W- what?" I stammered.
He raised one eyebrow. "The kettle?"
I realised that the kettle's roar had faded into a gentle bubbling, and picked it up. The kettle was hot and heavy, and my hands were unsteady as I moved to pour it through the teabags in the mugs. In fact, my hands were shaking badly enough that the kettle jerked and boiling water poured onto the bench - a bit splashing on my free hand.
I cried out without thinking, and Will was by my side in an instant. He grabbed the kettle and put it down. "You okay?"
I was such an idiot. "Fine." I muttered, waving my stinging hand and turning to reach for a tea-towel at the same time as Will picked it up for me.
And that was how I suddenly found myself turning into him, suddenly so close that my heart missed a beat. Yep, I know, I'm such a cliche.
Will's eyes weren't pure blue up close, I realised. They were darker around the edges, indigo almost fading into violet.
"Will…" I said - or whispered, more like.
"Tess - "
I was leaning forwards without thinking and he was bending down to meet me, and -
And then Will was stumbling backwards, his eyes wide. "Sorry, Tessa, I really have to go." he said in a rush, shoving the tea-towel into my hands and backing to the door.
"Will, wait - " My head was spinning, I had no idea what had just happened.
"See you, Tessa," Will yelled and then he practically threw himself out the front door, slamming it behind him.
That left me staring after him like an idiot, still clutching the tea-towel.
Finally, I put it down and picked up the kettle again. I poured out the rest of the tea, just for something to keep my hands busy. My mind was whirring.
Then I sighed, and poured both mugs of tea down the sink.
