CHAPTER 8: You are or you are not. That is the question.
Disclaimer: This work is based on the J.K. Rowling's World of Harry Potter. Everything you recognize belongs to her.
Maerna paced around the cottage. She had been doing that for over an hour. Every so often, she would stop and glance at Severus. He would glance back, nod and then go back to his book.
Finally, she threw herself onto the sofa. "How did you know?"
Severus set down his book. "I think the more important question is why didn't you know? However, your question is easier to answer, so let's start there. I've had my suspicions from the first day I met you. You took to apparition with ease. Although side along apparition is possible for muggles, the side effects are ten times worse for them. It was obvious from your actions," Severus briefly touched his neck, "that severe nausea and dizziness were not a problem. Then when I took you out of Malfoy Manor, you looked back and could see it. It is well hidden from muggles."
"That's true," Maerna pondered, "but, squibs can see magic so that's not unusual."
"I wasn't joking when I said Malfoy Manor was well hidden. Lucius considers squibs an insult to the magical world. He would make sure that even they couldn't see his home on their own accord. Then, there is the matter of the flash of magic between us when I brought you to the cottage."
"That wasn't you?" Maerna almost looked like she wished it was.
Severus sniffed. "Absolutely not. I can control my magic. Besides, if you recall, YOU were the one had lost her temper. Also, there is the matter of the tray of ruined Christmas cookies." Severus put his hand up to stop her explanation. "Dobby assures me it was not him and I trust his command of magic much more than yours."
Maerna dropped her head in her hands. "Are you absolutely sure? It not that I'm trying to doubt you, but I have spent all my life surrounded by magic, able to see it and use it, but well aware I would never create it. It's like standing at the gates of a palace and saying, you can't cross but you can look in. All of the sudden, you've thrust me into the throne room."
Severus sighed in exasperation. He reached over to hand her his wand. "No, no, no. No wands. Wands don't like me." Maerna shrank back from him.
"Don't be ridiculous. It may not work well for you but it isn't going to attack you," he snapped.
"That's what you think," she retorted still refusing to touch it.
"Take it!" he commanded. Reluctantly, Maerna reached out and he dropped it into her hand. She flinched as soon as it touched her skin but nothing happened. Finally she relaxed and stared at the wand in her possession. "Now," Severus instructed. "Wave it at the lamp and say 'Lumos'."
Maerna followed his directions. Immediately, she screamed and dropped the wand. Severus picked it up, disgust etched into his features until he saw her hand. A red, blistering line formed across the palm exactly where the wand had touched. "I told you. Wands don't like me," she explained sheepishly.
Severus continued to stare at her hand as he healed the wound. "However, it doesn't seem to mind healing you," he observed. "Has it always been like that?"
Maerna pondered, "I'm not sure. As long as I can remember,. When I was little, I used to pick up my grandmother's wand to 'pretend' to do magic, but then it would burn me. Like a dog who is beaten for doing something wrong, after a while, I just stayed away from it." Maerna's face screwed up in pain of the memories, "but then sometimes I feel like there was a time, before that, when. . . I don't know. It's all so frustrating." She dropped her hand and ran her fingers through her hair, glancing at him ruefully.
Severus stared for a long time contemplating her before he risked the next words. "You know, I could help you try to retrieve those memories. Have you ever heard of occlumency?"
Maerna jerked her head up. "You are a legilimist?" Severus confirmed with a twing into her mind. Maerna shook her head and immediately shifted her eyes away from him. "No, thank you!" she exclaimed. "You of all people, I don't want in my head."
"Understood," There was no remorse or anger in his eyes, but just a calculated look of understanding.
"Why? Why do you even ask? You could just force yourself into my mind and given your past. . ." she trailed off.
"My past actions against you?" Severus finished. "Yes, I could but for several reasons. First, in case you didn't notice I'm trying to create some trust between us." Severus explained honestly. "We have to work together on this potion and I'd prefer not to do it as enemies despite our challenging start. Secondly, for childhood memory recall to work, it is much preferable for the person to be willing. I know you. If I try to force you to do anything, you'll fight me every step of the way. While I would probably win that round, one of us would come off worse at the end, so I'd rather not entertain the idea."
Maerna looked weary, "You're right. I would and despite your, supposedly, candid admittance, I'm still not letting you in my mind. I don't trust you."
Severus just looked blankly at her, "I wouldn't expect you to. Now, this time, no wand, simply wave your hand at the light. As you pass your hand over, imagine the light turning on and say, 'Lumos'."
"Why not?" she thought. "What do I have to lose?" She closed her eyes, picturing the lamp. "Lumos." When she opened her eyes, she immediately focused on two things: first a shining lamp and second a smirk on his face.
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The Christmas holidays fell into a routine. Severus and Maerna managed to prepare reasonable meals for breakfast and lunch but trusted Dobby for a decent dinner. Mornings were filled with debates and illuminations usually potions and chemistry but any other muggle versus magical topic that suited them. Afternoons were spent in the basement trying new potions. Maerna was becoming comfortable with experimenting with her own procedures while Severus was exploring several muggle chemicals he hadn't heard of.
When wand work was required for the potion, Maerna could complete it wandless about 20% of the time which was frustrating for her but not surprising to Severus. "Controlled wandless magic is very advanced. I myself can only do a dozen or so spells without a wand. I'm surprised you can do as much as you do," he complimented her but Maerna took it differently. "What you mean is unless we can figure out why wands don't like me, my abilities are extremely limited."
Maerna tried to approach the idea of attending church on Christmas Eve but was quickly shut down. Whether it was because he didn't trust her enough to take her outside the wards or he was afraid of setting foot too close to God, Maerna didn't know. So, she spent the evening reading the gospels and praying. Christmas day was treated much like the others except that Severus was summoned about halfway through the morning. He came back two hours later saying little but Maerna got the idea that the summons was just to remind everyone who controlled them even on December 25th.
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The snow started to fall in the early hours of Boxing Day. By noon, over a foot covered the front yard. Maerna sat by the window watching time go by with each snowflake. "Why are you wasting your day?" Severus asked his nose deep in an Organic Chemistry textbook.
"I'm thinking of the past, of memories. Are memories a waste of time?" Maerna countered. "Memories make up who we are, help define us and lead us for our future decisions. Scientists claim all snowflakes are unique. Just like them everyone's memories art unique. Snowflakes engulf us with the wonder of crystalized snow. Happy Memories bring us back to places in our lives for joy and love.
"And what memories are you indulging in right now?" he asked snidely.
"Why Christmas memories, of course. Do you have any positive Christmas memories." His stony silence made her think probably not. "American muggles have a tradition of stringing lights on the outsides of their houses for decoration. Some of them can get rather ornate with lit Christmas figurines and music that the lights dance to. My grandmother and I used to spend hours planning and decorating. We had the best house in the area and people would come for miles around to see it. Of course, little did they know that magic helped."
"That," Severus emphasized, "sounds like the biggest waste of time ever invented."
"Perhaps," Maerna admitted, "but the memories I have from it: the joy, the giggles, the time spent with my grandmother, the look of wonder on a two year olds face when he drove up to our house. That made it worth it. Especially since all I have are the memories now."
Maerna tore her eyes from the window and glanced at him. She turned away quickly but not before he saw tears pooling in her eyes. "I think I'll retire now," she said quietly and slipped off to bed.
Severus sat there staring at the falling snow thinking of everything and nothing at the same time. Finally, he made up his mind. "Dobby!"
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As the holidays progressed, Severus expectations in her education increased dramatically. He demanded only her best ideas, her best justifications, her best solutions. Most of their time focused on practical application since Maerna was likely to need wand assistance especially now that the potions were so complicated. When she tried to joke about the intensity of her studies, he just replied she could slow down when he went back to his other obligations. He had yet to trust her with personal information and it was getting on her nerves especially when he knew such intimate details about her life. At one point, she snapped about it and he snidely reminded her, "Despite my allowance of the tree and cookies, you are still the prisoner in this relationship. Never forget that."
Maerna stared at him, her mouth open wide at his crude but honest comment. Somehow she had forgotten. She had eluded herself into thinking a friendship was developing. How foolish she was? She must constantly be on guard. She would never again forget.
Tensions ran high between them after that. Severus was more snippy and harsh and Maerna more aloof. She was starting to look forward to his return to Hogwarts. On New Year's Eve, he was summoned again by the Dark Lord. He didn't say anything but just winced and he touched his left arm as he walked beyond the wards and apparated.
He didn't return until well after midnight, shaking and paler than Maerna thought possible. She hesitated, unsure of how to respond, She closed her eyes and bowed her head. "Dear Lord, I don't understand. I don't understand why he does this. I don't understand who the real Severus is. Guide my actions in this manner."
It was as if a voice whispered in her ear but it whispered in her heart. "For now, just accept him and be there for him." Maerna nodded and approached the cloaked figure. She knelt down beside him and put her hand on his knee.
He looked up agony stretched across his face, "what do you want?" he demanded harshly. "Get out of here!" He tried to push her away but she refused.
"No, I don't understand you, Severus. I don't know why you are a Death Eater. I, honestly, don't really trust you either, but I'm here for you. I will be a friend as much as you allow me to be." she said quietly.
He stared at her for a moment and then leaned his head against the back of the sofa. "I don't understand," Severus said. "Why? After everything I've done to you, why would you extend a hand of, even tentative friendship."
"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." Maerna quoted. Severus gave her a quizzical look. "It's from the Bible," she explained.
Severus just shook his head, "You sound like, Albus."
Maerna sat next to him, laid her head on his shoulder, her hand on his arm. There they sat, both standing of the edges of their own precipices, wondering which side to lean towards.
