CHAPTER 8 : MY HEART IS AN OPEN BOOK
Merlin couldn't wait to get down to Gaius.
He had a few hours to himself as the morning's meeting was attended by the king's manservant Killian so Merlin was excused, just as well really but he was always on tenterhooks around the king. He had never told Arthur but he really did not like the man. Gaius had warned him about saying that aloud as many people would have been only too happy to carry it back to the king and you could bet that he would have been out on his ear in no time.
Gaius was messing with his burners and vials. Merlin offered to help and he ended up opening flax bolls to release the seeds. Gaius would then grind the actually seed to release the oil known as linseed. Merlin also knew from Gaius that Arthur's favourite ceremonial linen tunic was made from the flax plant fibres. He was quite happy to work with the seeds, it was easy and he could chat with Gaius at the same time.
He figured he might as well get off his chest what had happened the day before. Without further ado, he launched into his story of Arthur grabbing him to hold him upright and then blushing and saying sorry. "I think I know what is happening, Gaius."
"You do?"
"Yes! I think Arthur has fallen in love with me…"
"…and?" said the experienced court physician.
"I…I think that it is the same as all the feelings I have for him." He shook more bolls onto the table and started picking through them, "Can a man really love another man?"
"I believe so…"
"But how does that happen?"
"Well, first you feel friendship and then you get closer and realise that the other person has a special place in your heart and that you want to get even closer than that."
"...and you can do that?"
"Yes…"
"Gaius, I have so much to learn that I think I will need your help."
Gaius looked lovingly at the boy whom he considered his own and said softly, "If you want my help, I'm sure that I will be able to answer your questions and those which I can't, surely in this room crammed with books, we should be able to find the answers."
"Maybe, I should tell Arthur so that he can also come so we can study it together."
The thought of trying to deal with Arthur at the same time, found Gaius shaking his head and saying, "Merlin, I think maybe you should concentrate on this by yourself for the time being."
"Well, you think that would be best? So…Gaius, where do I start?
Day by day, whenever time permitted Gaius helped Merlin learn about his feelings. He never acknowledged that Arthur had spoken to him. He let Merlin make his own decisions but gave him any information he felt that he needed.
"What do you know about love-making, Merlin?"
"Well, I know about babies, you can't live long around animals without figuring that out, Gaius," he grinned softly.
"Well, I guess that's a start!" said the old man.
-0-O-0
One day, Merlin wanted to burst into their chambers as he liked to call them, to tell Arthur that he now knew everything. He didn't however, for he wasn't absolutely certain that Arthur was feeling the same way, and even though he had asked Gaius what he should do, Gaius would only say, "Merlin, you'll know when the time is right..."
He'd had his eyes opened and realised that there were other people of the same sex who were in love. He knew of two menservants and possibly a stable boy and a squire and he had his suspicions about two young knights. But he also realised that there were more people in love who were not of the same sex. It seemed to him the neatest thing that these people could publicly hold hands, hug and in some cases even share a fleeting kiss.
Gaius had made sure that he understood the danger of the king finding out that he was in love with his son. "To put it bluntly, you wouldn't survive, once you were caught, you would be severely beaten and whipped and then, half dead, what was left of you would be burned on a pyre."
"…and Arthur?"
"I have a feeling, he would be whipped but also made to watch your being punished and then burned."
"He'd be sad…"
Gaius felt his heart clench as he realised that knowing Arthur the way he did and realising the extent of his love for his manservant, that what Merlin said was simplistic but he had no intention of enlightening him.
Gaius remembered watching the love of his life burned because she had magic and how his life had been spared because he was a talented physician. For many years, he had wished that he could have died on the pyre with her as the suffering he enduring by living was worse.
Then slowly, he had begun to take interest in life and Arthur had been born and needed him as a buffer against his father and his non-parental ways. Then, Merlin had entered his life and he knew that this was another reason why he still walked the earth. This special boy needed him.
"The king doesn't understand, does he, Gaius?"
"No, Merlin the king and many people will not understand…"
-0-O-0-
Arthur knew that he had given Merlin enough work to keep him busy and that gave him time to visit with Gaius.
"Gaius?" No answer, he wasn't there. Arthur decided to wait for a little while, the room was warm and he had spend hours there over the years, so he was quite at home. He poked around. He stood looking at the leeches, disgusting things; he remembered helping Gaius to clean the tanks and they had climbed on his arms. He laughed, Gaius was always extolling their virtues. He smiled to himself, well maybe not useless but certainly grotty!
Merlin and he had had a discussion about them one day. Merlin had confessed that he had let one sit on his hand to drawn blood that was until Gaius had caught him and told him that he didn't have enough healthy blood to allow a leech to feed on him. Arthur smiled; he loved little stories about Merlin before he became his servant. It made him feel positively protective of him.
The door swung open and Gaius came in laden down with roots and other strange things. "Ah, Arthur, nice to see that you haven't forgotten me! Give me a hand."
"I'd never forget you, Gaius! Let me take that for you." He grasped a bag and was sure that there was something alive within it but he didn't even want to know… He wrinkled his nose in disgust. It was probably, one of the ingredients for those foul-tasting concoctions that were supposed to make you better when you felt sick.
"Swing, the kettle over the fire, it's got water in it and we'll have a cup of something. It is really getting cold out there. I think we're in for a change in the weather."
Finally, sitting across the table from each other with two mugs in front of them, Gaius said, "So, how is your love life?"
Arthur said, "Shhh!" as he glanced over his shoulder towards the door. "Gaius, no one but you and I are supposed to know about that. Well, and Merlin too one day, I hope!"
Gaius grinned saying, "Arthur, we're alone everyone else in the castle is busy and anyway, what are you doing down here at this time of day?"
"Well, I have to be at the king's for supper tonight so I gave Merlin enough fiddling jobs to keep him busy and came down to see you."
"Ah, so there has been some progress…"
"Well, sort of..." Arthur then told all about Mr. I-Know-Everything-About-Love and his comments. "I was really cross, I was so frightened that Gawaine was going to say something in front of Merlin but he didn't. But I think that Merlin might like me a little in that way.
"He walked right into me in my chamber and I grabbed him so he didn't fall over and he didn't flinch or try to pull away, he just stood there looking normal. I said that I was sorry and, Gaius, guess what he did? He just smiled and didn't say anything. Was that a good sign, do you think?"
"Well, it was better than pushing you away and running out of your chamber screaming, that is sure…"
"Oh, Gaius, I'm serious! Come on, it was important to me. Now, what do I do?"
"Exactly what you are doing. If anything is to come of it, it will. If nothing comes of it, then at least Merlin's heart won't be broken."
"But, hasn't he even given you an tiny idea of how he feels about me?"
"Yes, he says that you are a good master and he is quite happy working for you. You can sometimes forget that he isn't as strong as you think he is and that your armour is burdensome and awkward…you are messy, can't look after your own clothes…" Gaius paused and smiled adding, "Yet, he thinks you are very handsome and he is absolutely over the moon in love with you!"
Arthur's face lit up, "Gaius, really?"
"No, Arthur, not really!"
"Nothing else that you can think of without making it up?"
Gaius leant over and patted Arthur's hand and said, "Not at the moment…"
"Well, Gaius, I think he does like me and I'm going to wait until he says so."
"Good move, Arthur, I'm sure that there must be telltale clues if you look carefully."
"Then, I'd better get upstairs so that I can check on him…" He turned as he got to the door, "Thanks for your help Gaius!"
Gaius stood up and made his way to his work bench to liberate his recent acquisition and smiled, "They deserve each other." He laughed to himself, "They honestly do…"
