It had been a few years since the fire. Natsu and Gray were in their last year of middle school. Their friendship, though most people couldn't figure out if they were actually friends or not, was strained. They both chose each other as partners for projects, sat together for lunch, tore anyone who hurt the other apart, fought for each other tooth and nail and yet, they hardly ever spoke to each other. Natsu didn't smile with Gray. Gray looked miserable in Natsu's presence, and miserable yet guiltily relieved if Natsu was away. It was awkward and painful to watch, the way they obviously cared for each other, yet seemed to despise each other too much to admit it.
It was a Wednesday. They'd arrived to school together, as usual. They didn't have their first class together, so Gray had to go to the north side of the school while Natsu would go to the bungalows near the P.E. field. They didn't say 'bye' or 'see you later.' They never did that. Natsu would either shrug and leave or Gray would look at Natsu, one saddened glance, and turn away. That was how they always did it.
Gray went to class. Natsu didn't. Natsu headed to the bathroom to see a friend.
"You haven't been around lately," came his welcome.
Natsu grinned. "I've got a shadow, can you blame me?"
The other boy smiled, brought the blunt to his lips and breathed in, his free hand snatching up Natsu's collar from beneath the scarf and dragging him closer, their lips meeting and Natsu opening his mouth against the other's, breathing in the haze.
Natsu took a hit himself and they reversed the process, the kiss lasting a little long this time around. The other kid adjusted his glasses afterward.
"So, you're boyfriend still won't lighten up?" he questioned.
Natsu gritted his teeth in irritation. Loke always did that. Talked about Gray as if he and Natsu were dating. Natsu had punched him a couple of times when completely sober, so Loke always waited until Natsu had a little of something in his system before teasing him.
"He's not my boyfriend," he denied, for what felt like the millionth time.
"You want him to be," Loke threw out carelessly. He loved suggesting Natsu had a thing for Mr. Cold-and-Mysterious-to-Anyone-not-Natsu. He did it because Natsu always responded the exact same way.
Natsu sighed, and took another drag from the blunt. "Can we not talk about this?" he pleaded.
And that was why Loke kept bringing it up. Natsu could pretend all he wanted, but Loke saw right through the act. Natsu never denied it. Loke had asked in different ways: Do you like him? You love him, don't you? You hate that Juvia chick for being all over him, huh? You want him to be yours. No matter how he phrased the question, Natsu always said the same six words: 'Can we not talk about this?' He never admitted to it either, not even when Loke got him piss drunk and high off his ass, but he never denied it and that was an admission in and of itself. How no one else notice it was beyond him.
What infuriated Loke the most was how Natsu could miss the fact that his icy highness was besotted with him, pining after him like a lovesick puppy.
Loke had started coming to the abandoned bathrooms because he knew no one would come looking for him in the middle of his high. Then one day a pink-haired kid came in trying to avoid class and Loke had shared his bottle of tequila and his weed because it was too much for one person who didn't want to go to the hospital anyway. Loke had been Natsu's first kiss, although they only kissed when sharing a blunt. They weren't romantically involved, in spite of how it might seem. Loke was too heartbroken over the girl he'd left back home when his parents decided to move to the new city to take any real interest in Natsu and he'd long since realized Natsu's heart was stuck on someone else too.
"You're going to the field trip?" he asked, trying to get his mind off the course it was going on. If he let himself think of Lucy, he'd end up needing a drink on top of the weed to keep himself in check.
Natsu smiled widely. Natsu high was different to Natsu sober. Happier. Like his worries floated away and his wide grin was real instead of the plastered on thing he wore at school that made a few girls swoon. That grin wasn't real. This one was. "Yeah," he replied, "We leave after second period. You?"
Loke ignored the question. "Who's 'we?'"
Natsu's smile stayed on for a couple of seconds as he processed the question, and then it faded into a scowl. "Gray."
"Ah," Loke said, pretending to be surprised. "Your boyfriend."
"He's not-" Natsu began, but Loke finished for him.
"Not your boyfriend, yes I know," he interrupted, rolling his eyes. Natsu was looking at him with a clenched jaw and Loke suddenly had a wonderful idea. "Prove it," he said.
Natsu's irritation melded into confusion and he hesitated before asking, "How?"
"Kiss me," Make me forget her.
Natsu only looked surprised for a couple of seconds before he gripped Loke's hair and leaned in.
"Okay," Make me feel something for you, make me feel more than Gray.
The kiss was hard and rough and completely… not worth it. Both of them pulled away completely unsatisfied, knowing it hadn't changed a damn thing, and feeling miserable because that had been their last shot at hope and it had failed.
That was all made worse when they heard the creak of the door and saw who was looking at them, fury written all over his face. Natsu turned around at lightning speed.
"Gray, I-"
"You ditch class-"
"I'm passing-"
"You smoke weed-"
"It's actually not that bad if you just-"
"You get drunk all the fucking time, Natsu!"
"I never-"
"Don't fucking lie to me!" Gray's fists were clenched at his sides and he looked like he could kill both of them, "I can smell it on you at lunch, in class, three times a fucking week and you can't even walk straight. Don't you fucking dare."
Natsu went silent and he tried to think of something to say, but his thoughts were muddled and sluggish and Gray went on.
"I may not be your 'boyfriend,' but don't you think I give a fuck that you're failing three of your classes? That you might have to repeat the grade? Are you really that stupid?"
Loke took another drag of his blunt. This wasn't his fight.
"Why would you give a fuck?" The words were out before Natsu could stop them and he felt dread pooling in his stomach at the look on Gray's face. The sheer hurt in his eyes. He suddenly wished he knew how long that hurt had been there, if he'd just failed to notice it before. What kind of friend was he? Had it been there the entire time? Had Gray always known?
Then Gray wasn't looking at him anymore and his voice came out sounding lifeless when he said, "Right. Because that's what you want, isn't it? For me to not give a fuck anymore."
Natsu was trying to think of a way to backtrack, to tell Gray that wasn't it, that Gray caring about him was the one good thing he had in his life, but Gray was looking up at him, rage swimming in watery depths as he quietly, but steadily said, "Fuck. You. Natsu."
Then Gray was gone and Natsu was holding back tears in an old busted up bathroom with Loke bringing out the bottle of tequila that he'd promised himself they wouldn't drink that day. Natsu needed it. And frankly, after realizing that even someone like Natsu, fucking sunshine personified, couldn't replace Lucy for him, Loke needed it too.
They didn't drink much, seeing as Natsu was still going on the hiking field trip and Loke didn't want to be responsible for the pinkette literally dying.
The bus ride to the field trip was awful. Natsu had trouble with transportation on his best days, but the alcohol intensified that aversion and this time, Gray wasn't sitting next to him and helping him calm down. At one point, Natsu couldn't stop it any longer and he forced open a window and threw up on a car's windshield in the middle of the freeway. Everyone had a brand new appreciation for the way Gray usually looked after him during bus rides.
When they reached the hiking trails, Natsu felt slightly better, if only because there was nothing left in his stomach to make him feel nauseous.
Gray stayed toward the back of the class, following along while keeping a gap of at least five feet between him and everyone else. Natsu stayed toward the back, sending backward glances toward Gray every now and then that Gray didn't see because he stared resolutely at the ground. He wasn't done with Natsu. He couldn't be.
But he'd heard Loke ask Natsu to 'prove it.' To prove Gray wasn't his boyfriend. It hurt. It hurt more than anything had before, because at least before he'd been able to pretend his feelings were those of family, a close tie and nothing more. That stabbing pain in his gut, the way his chest just froze and shattered watching Natsu with someone else, his lips on someone else, his hands on someone else. It was too much to bear and he'd blown up over all the little things that had been bothering him all along when really, the reason he was pissed off, the reason he wanted to crawl into a hiding space and cry was that now he knew for fucking sure that he was in love with Natsu. Helplessly in love and that it was the worst time to realize it because Natsu obviously didn't and never would love him back.
Gray was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't realize how close he was to the edge of the trail so high up. Not until he was tripping over the rocks and felt himself losing his balance, heard Natsu screaming his name in terror and saw the pinkette dive after him, a tan hand closing around his pale wrist just as he fell, pulling both of them down. There were screams and shouts above, but all Gray could focus on was the unbridled fear in Natsu's eyes.
They hit some of the steep dirt on the side of the mountain, saw the cliff they would fall off of if the couldn't break the fall at the tiny landing, and Gray thought they were going to die but Natsu's grip on his wrist didn't falter and his other hand latched onto the exposed roots of a small tree that shook under his grip. He felt it give slightly and hurriedly hauled Gray onto the small patch of dirt before the cliffside, pulling himself up mere seconds before the root he held onto tore out from the side of the hill.
Someone else might have celebrated.
Natsu turned a furious gaze to Gray and yelled at him, "Stop trying to get yourself killed! I'm not always going to be here to pull you back from- from…" And just like that all the anger and frustration was gone and he looked almost as vulnerable as the day of the fire, tears shining in his eyes yet not falling, lost in the memories of a ruined childhood and the fire that ended it.
Gray realized he would be okay with Natsu not loving him, with only being like a brother to him. As long as Natsu stayed by his side, as long as Natsu was there, he could bear the pain. He would always pull Natsu back from the fire. He often forgot that Natsu, as much as he seemed to hate him, would always be there when Gray really needed him. Natsu would always pull him back from the edge. That was enough. It had to be.
