Self-Sustained Hell

Summary: .:.:Ch. 7:.:. With delusions plaguing his every step, with memories destroying his sanity, with his will to live slowly slipping away, will Hatake Kakashi be able to trust his friends enough to let them help him save himself? .:.:Sequel to Black Day:.:.

Genre: Angst/Drama

Rating: T

Author's Notes: I skipped writing the whole "Orochimaru tries to take over Konoha but fails" fight scene/thingy because it seems kind of pointless for me to write it when everyone can either read it in the manga or watch it in the anime. So I just skipped that part because I'm awesome like that.

Oh, and please excuse any grammar and spelling mistakes...blah...blah...blah.

Disclaimer: Masashi Kishimoto owns Naruto, not I. I make no money from this story, please don't sue.

Please R&R…Thanks!

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I've been here many times over – pacing up and down the waiting room in a pitiful attempt to ease the nervousness and impatience churning inside of me. It's amazing just how many people had come through these doors to show their concern in the last few hours. Some had stayed longer then others but none of them could find the strength within themselves to stay till the bitter end to find out the result.

Would he live or would he die?

His heart had failed – he ended up technically dead for over two minutes before the doctors could revive him. And now he lays upon the operating table receiving a new heart that everyone knows his body will reject almost immediately – it isn't even remotely compatible with him. The donor heart came from a body that wasn't even the same blood type.

The doctor said there was no other choice. His heart was destroyed and he needed a new one immediately or else he would die. So now we wait for news of success or failure. Would his body even be able to receive such an incompatible heart? No one is quite sure.

But then I think, this is Hatake Kakashi – how could he not survive through this? Fate has dealt him many cruel hands over the years but it has always managed to keep the man alive. So why would it change its way now?

"You've been pacing the entire time," Jiraiya says from his position leaning against the wall. "Which has been over four hours."

"It's easier this way."

"No it isn't… and you know that."

"Shut-up," I mutter in frustration, "You're not helping."

I hear him sigh as I turn around and pace to the other end of the room. I must be getting very annoying to all the other people here waiting but I don't really care.

A doctor walks into the waiting room. "Asuma? Jiraiya?" he questions. I turn around and walk over to him – Jiraiya moves and stands beside me.

"There's good news and bad news," the doctor begins, "Kakashi's body received the heart but has already begun to reject it. We should be able to control the rejection with heavy medication until we find a more compatible heart and his body becomes strong enough to receive another transplant."

I have to briefly close my eyes to control the tears of relief that threaten to spill from my eyes.

"Normally I would, at this point, recommend complete bed rest for the patient," the doctor continues after he allows a few moments for us to bask in our happiness and relief, "But I'm not naïve and I've treated Kakashi before. As soon as he wakes up he's going to find a way out of this hospital so I'm asking you two to please just keep an eye on him; make sure he takes his medication and please keep him away from any recreational drugs. They will kill him in his current condition."

"I'll try my best."

"We'll both try our best," Jiraiya speaks up.

The doctor nods in acknowledge, then adds, "We've sedated him for the night. You can go see him if you wish but there is little reason too."

Jiraiya and I turn our heads to look at each other. "I'll go inform Sandaime about the situation," the Sannin tells me and I nod in response.

He knows that I won't be able to rest until I see Kakashi, breathing and alive, for myself.

"I want to see him," I tell the doctor and he nods.

Jiraiya turns and walks away while I fall into step beside the doctor. The two of us make the trip to Kakashi's room – far down the hall in the ICU – in complete silence. We reach the door, room 915, and the doctor pulls the door open for me.

I walk inside and the door shuts quietly behind me. The beeping of the monitoring machines is the only thing that breaks the silence. I sit down in one of the two chairs in the room, the one directly opposite the door, and watch the rise and fall of Kakashi's chest. This is the second time in, what has it been, – one month? Two months? – that Sakumo's son has nearly died by his own hands. This is becoming too much for me. Far, far too much for me.

I'm going to break if I have to go through this again. I can't sit back and watch him die but yet nothing I do seems to help him.

His falling and I can't save him. It's as if I was the one who was holding him and he let go himself – plunging to his own death by his own decisions. But why? Why does he always turn to everything else but his friends to try and ease his pain? Has he not learnt that nothing else will save him? Has he not learnt that the drugs, the alcohol, the cutting, the seclusion, does nothing but torment him further?

I hug my knees to my chest as I continue to stare at Kakashi's rhythmic breathing. He's always been the silent one. Preferring to keep everything bottled up inside of him. I knew that from the day I met him – I just got that feeling, I think everyone does.

There's so much I don't know about him. So much he's never told me. I've never gained his trust, not really. And yet still I sit here – offering whatever help I can give him even though I know he doesn't really trust me enough to take it.

Or maybe he does.

Maybe he trusts me but he's just scared – perhaps scared of hurting me? But what he doesn't know is that pushing me away hurts far more then sharing the pain. I'd rather take some of his pain on as my own instead of sit back and watch him bear it all himself.

I hear the door open but I don't bother to look up and see who it is. I fear that if I turn my attention away from Kakashi then when I return it to him he will be dead. I know this is a completely irrational thought but I no longer care – with Kakashi even the impossible becomes possible.

"Son?" He picks up the other chair, sets it down beside mine, and sits down.

"I… I can't do this," I choke out as I hug my legs closer to my chest, "He won't let us help him… he just won't. He's too stubborn, or stupid, or maybe he just doesn't care anymore – I don't know. I never know."

"Asuma…" He places his hand on my shoulder in comfort.

"If this doesn't stop I'm going to end up just like him." The tears blur my vision as I don't even bother trying to stop them.

"No you won't," my father's own voice begins to break, "I will never let that happen – you know that."

"You let it happen to Kakashi," I accuse.

"I tried Asuma… but he's never really opened up to me."

"You did this, you know that right?" I blurt out, unable to hold my tongue anymore, "From the very beginning this was all your plan. "Make him hit rock-bottom and then he'll get help,"" I repeat the very explanation he gave me for this whole plan all that time ago. "Well, it's not working. It's not fucking working," my voice cracks as I desperately try to stop my sobs, "You fucked up." My voice drops to a barely audible level.

I can taste the salt on my lips from my tears. Tears of what? Fear? Shame? Anger? Frustration? Helplessness? Grief? I don't even know. I don't understand. None of this makes any sense. I was never suppose to end up like this, this wasn't the plan. When did dealing with Kakashi become my whole life? When? I never made the decision that my life would revolve around Kakashi. And Kakashi definitely didn't make the decision for me. So who did?

When did this begin?

My father and I sit in silence. He knows I speak the truth – however bitter of a pill it is for him to swallow. He did this himself, from the very beginning. He's refusal to see Kakashi's pain and need for help. The refusal to remove Kakashi from duty when he needed it just because Konoha couldn't afford to lose such a valuable Shinobi – even for a short time.

"You could've prevented this years ago," I mutter, breaking the tension between us. "You could've nipped this in the bud so very, very long ago."

"I know," he replies, a sense of coldness in his voice. "Don't think I don't."

The door squeaks open and I hear the soft, familiar footsteps of Kurenai. The Hokage stands up and leaves the room – letting Kurenai and I have our peace. She sits down in the seat my father just occupied.

"Asuma?" she questions as she lays a hand on my shaking shoulder, "Why won't you look at me?"

"I'm sorry," I desperately try to stop the sobs. "I'm sorry our life has become nothing but 'Kakashi-this' and 'Kakashi-that.' I never meant for it to be like this – I really didn't."

"Don't." She leans over so that her breath is warm against my ear. "Don't be sorry. I hold nothing against you for helping him… he needs it and he deserves it."

"But I can't help him. I realize that now," my voice starts to shudder as the sobs I just recently got under control come back in full force. "This is all in vain, it won't solve anything."

"You're stronger then you give yourself credit for," she whispers, "You can, and you are, helping him more then you or he realizes."

She stands up and takes my hand in her own. "He won't wake up tonight, and he won't die tonight, so let's go and find some peace if fate wishes to grant it to us."

I nod as I let myself get pulled up and led out of the hospital room. Perhaps tonight, with Kurenai by my side, I'll be able to forget about this all for just a little while.

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I knew where I was before I even opened my eyes up. And because I knew where I was I saw no need to open my eyes up that moment.

But now I do for the sounds of soft footsteps can be heard down the hall – probably about a minute away. Which gives me only a minute to make my escape or else I will be trapped in this building suffering through test after test for whatever ailment fate, or myself, has placed on me.

And so I open my eyes and gingerly sit up. I carefully remove the wires, that monitor my health, attached to my body and pull off the breathing mask. I stand up quickly and make a few seals – the hospital room disappears and the view of an apartment door fades into my line of vision.

This isn't my apartment door – even though I meant it to be. Which must me that subconsciously my mind must've figured out that I can't be trusted alone anymore. I can't really say that that surprises me after what happened the last time.

Mental note: LCD should be avoided in the future.

Second mental note: Chakra use should also be avoided in the future – or at least until I figure out how badly my heart has been damaged… it hurts my chest, mainly my heart, too use chakra now.

The door is pulled open but I don't even remembering knocking. I must have or else Asuma wouldn't have opened it, would he?

"Kakashi?"

My eyebrows furrow in confusion as I immediately reach to my neck and pull up the crumbled mask that lays there. His eyes are red, has he been crying? And if so, then why?

"What's wrong?" I question, not even attempting to enter his apartment at the moment. Entering can wait, what's bothering my friend cannot.

"What's wrong?" he asks in disbelief, "What's wrong!" His voice gets louder in anger with every word.

This isn't going to be good. I can tell that now and already I regret coming here. I should've stayed at the hospital.

"You want to know what's wrong? Everything!" He steps forward – forcing me to step back. "The problem is clear to me, I don't know how I could've missed it, you don't see it though – do you?"

I shake my head, not quite sure what he's talking about or what, if anything, I'm suppose to get out of this. Not that it really matters since I seem to not really care about anything anymore – my emotions seem to have disappeared. Which is not something I feel particular saddened about since it was the emotions that were fucking with me so much. Maybe if the emotions stay gone like this then I will be able to return to whatever resemblance of normal that my life was before all this shit started to happen.

"It's you, it's the fact that you don't see it that's the problem," his voice continues to get louder with anger and frustration, and maybe regret? – I'm not too sure. "All this, everything that's happens, it affects me more then it's ever affected you! One day, one day I'm going to end up dead because I gave far more then I had too you and you don't even give a fuck!"

My back hits the railing as Asuma walks right up to me – his face centimeters from my own.

His voice falls down to a whisper, "It's almost like this is a game to you, like you're not even trying to get better. You go to where you're told to go just so you'll be able to have a chance to get your job back. But at the end of the day you just go straight back to the same old pattern. Maybe it's because you don't know better – I like to pretend that it's just because drugs are the only way you know how to cope," his voice starts shuddering with hidden grief, "But you don't even entertain the idea of getting help other ways. You won't even try. You just push everyone away and do the same old thing over and over again. And now you're left with a heart that came from a body that wasn't even the same blood type as you… and you expect to live long enough to see active duty again?" He shakes his head in disbelief and bottled up anger, "You keep coming back to me like I'm some lifeline that you can just use up and throw out. I can't keep doing this Kakashi… I just… I just can't."

"So… so that's it?" I question, not quite sure I'm understanding what he's trying to say, "You're just… just… not going to…"

"This is it Kakashi… this is the end." I can see the tears that threaten to spill out of his eyes. "I can't keep doing this – I can't keep being an enabler like this. It's either the drugs or my friendship. Either get serious about getting help or… or… just leave."

"But… why? How? I don't… I don't understand," the panic begins to rise inside of me and the comforting lack of emotions I had just a few moments ago is now gone.

"I've talked… I've listened… I've learned. Someone, just recently, has opened up my eyes. I don't want to Kakashi… I don't want to leave you but there's no other way. You're dragging me down with you and I can't let that happen… I just can't." He sighs and steps back – giving me some space again. "I know you don't understand, I don't really myself. But maybe… just maybe, if you really lose everything you'll see what you just cannot see right now."

"I don't even know what that means," I mutter, "I don't even know what you mean. Do you even know what you mean?" My voice starts to rise with my own anger at the realization that I've once again pushed away one of the few people who've I've managed to create some sort of relationship with.

"You have no one to blame but yourself," Asuma says as he turns away from me and returns to his apartment, "And remember, if you find a way to crawl out of the grave you've dug yourself into then I'll be here waiting for you – no, for Kakashi – to come back."

The door shuts behind him and the conversation I've just had begins to really register in my mind.

He's gone.

That's it. Nothing more to it. He's gone. I've pushed him away and he's finally had enough. Gone because of me – because I've been to selfish to realizes what I was doing and now it's too late.

It's always too fucking late.

A part of me wants to force my way into his apartment; wants to yell and scream at him and try to make him understand how much I need him. But another part of me, a calmer part, is telling me that I knew that this was coming – that it's my fault and I now need to deal with the consequences.

I turn and walk away, letting my feet take me to exactly where I know I need to go now. The place where I can talk to those I know can't hear me and pretend that what I've done is not the end – even if it is.

"And so I'm back here again," I whisper into the wind as I stare at the all familiar sight of the Memorial Stone. "I feel like I'm a teenager again – broken and left with no one but myself."

It takes me a few minutes to notice the tears that flow from my eyes and soak my mask. "I'm sorry you know, I never meant to end up this way Sensei. I was suppose to re-establish the Hatake name, make something of myself. It's just… I don't even know what it is. I'm just desperate for something but I don't know what. A life maybe? You know, a real one. Except I don't know what a real life would be or how to go about getting one."

Obito's eye sees much, that I know, but the path I'm to take is something it cannot see.

"I wish you were still here." I mutter as I collapse to my knees, hands clenched in the dirt. "You always knew the right things to say Sensei. You always knew how to fix everything."

"It was something he was good at, wasn't it?"

My head snaps up and I twist my body around to see who dare intrudes me. My eyes narrow in some sort of emotion that I'm far too worn out and too tired to identify and name.

"You gave us quite a scare."

"He won't talk to me," I blurt out, "He's gone. I pushed him away Ji-san." I cringe, I haven't called Jiraiya-senpai 'Ji-san' since I was a little kid too scared to bother with formalities. "I fucked up. Again."

He kneels down beside me and wraps his arms around my shivering body, "Asuma just needs time by myself – time to figure out what he wants and what he needs. He just needs a break."

I shake my head. "He won't come back." The sobs hitch my breath and choke my voice. "Another relationship I've lost. If I could just be better… be fixable… be something. I don't even know what. Just something else, something that isn't this. No one wants this, wants what I am, but I don't know what they want nor how to get it."

"Kakashi…"

"Don't, just… just don't… I… it's…" my voice fades way as the grief of losing yet another friendship has broken what remained of my already far-too-shattered soul.

Time moves on, as always, and has left me behind again. That I know, that I've always known. Here I sit, shattered just like before. History has repeated itself – the one's I care for I've pushed away.

"Ji-san," I whisper, "Why have you always stayed by my side?"

"Because," his voice falters, "because I remember what a happy and carefree child you were – before any of this happened. Before the Academy and the training, before the Genius label you were given and the missions you were pushed to take. I remember the child you were, the child you were meant to be… and I still believe that a part of that child remains in you, a part of you will survive all of this."

He pauses, "I will not stand idle and watch you live the life fate has handed you when you deserve far more – it's just not right."

"Nothing we do is right so why does it matter?"

"Much of what we do we cannot control, this I can."

"This you think you can," I argue as I pull away from him. "But time and time again you've been proven wrong. You cannot control this – no one can."

"That's true, I cannot control you, but I can control how I treat you. And in turn I hope my actions will affect yours – will help you."

"History has said they won't," I stand up and turn my back to him – wiping the tears off my face. "So why do you continue to try?"

"Because without effort there is nothing. And besides – history is made to learn from. One day Kakashi, one day you will be happy again. All you have to do is hold on."

I hear him stand up and walk to stand beside me.

"The end is not here unless you let it be. Asuma is still your friend just give him time."

"The end came and went over a decade ago," I whisper, "I'm now just living years I was never meant to see."

"Do you truly believe that?" Jiraiya's concerned eyes turn to meet mine.

"Yes."

"Then do you mean to give up now and not see this through?" he questions.

"No… not yet… Konoha still needs me so for that reason alone I will stay – for as long as I can."

"Your optimism is groundbreaking," he sarcastically replies, "Completely groundbreaking."

I bite my bottom lip in an attempt to stop the tears that still threaten to fall. "This was not the plan."

"The plan is never precisely executed. Besides, it's only the end that matters. How you get there isn't as important."

"The end justifies the means, neh?"

He nods and we fall into silence for awhile.

"The final rounds are today… Sasuke is waiting for you but he will not be able to wait for much longer."

I nod as I lock my emotions away to deal with later. Now is not the time – now the students of the Hidden Ninja Villages must show their strength and garner the attention of the spotlight.

Now is time to forget about my own problems and look to those of others.

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/\/\Insert Orochimaru tries to take over Konoha scene/\/\

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The grief I feel is actually exceeding the pain that incases my heart right now. I used too much chakra defending Konoha for my weak heart to take and I know that it might fail at any moment. But that isn't what is terrifying to me right now – no, what is terrifying to me right now is the current reality that I really don't want to face.

The Sandaime is dead.

The grief is crushing me, overwhelming me, making it hard for me to think. To stand here, in a circle of Jounin that surrounds the dead body of the Hokage – for the second time in my life – is something I had never even considered to be possible.

But reality cannot be denied; not this time. I can't run away from this situation, I can't pretend this isn't happening. There is no drug in the world that could ease the pain I'm in right now. There is no physical wound that could distract me from this reality.

Orochimaru might not have succeeded in destroying Konoha but he did succeed in dampening the "Will of Fire" of this village.

And the thing that hurts the most is that this man that lays dead before me is the father of the friend that has basically told me to fuck off and get out of his life. So what now? What is to be done?

I tear my eyes away from the lifeless body and look up to find that the one who should be here is not.

"Where is Asuma?" I question, breaking the cold silence and tension of the air around me.

All eyes turn to look at me and then slowly they begin to search the immediate surrounds for the one in question. Where is the Hokage's son? Where is the one that needs to know of this death far more then anyone else.

"I'm here Kakashi."

I turn around to stare at the man who I think is still my friend but I'm not quite sure. Either way, friend or not, the grief in his eyes is enough to break my heart into yet another shattered piece.

The pain I have carried with me for so long – the pain of my father's death – is now mirrored in the eyes of one who I never wished to see it in.

I'm not quite sure if my heart is actually failing or if it's just emotionally breaking for my friend. But I guess it doesn't really matter for the pain is still there and still so very, very real.

"I'm sorry," I whisper as I take a few steps forward and hug Asuma's cold and emotionless form.

"Remember shinobi rule number twenty-five?" he whispers into my ear.

"No matter what the situation a shinobi must keep emotions on the inside," I recite the familiar rule, "You must make the mission your top priority and you must possess a heart that never shows tears."

"We've both broken that rule enough times over the last few weeks… today does not warrant such a thing. He deserves our recognition, not our tears."

"And yet you're breaking the rule," I point out as I pull back from the hug.

"So are you."