It's been three whole days since I've had sleep
Because I dream of his lips on your cheek
In his room, Atobe lies on his bed, leaning against the headrest as Ryoma sits beside him and reads a magazine. He hasn't asked Atobe how the trip went yet. Atobe's eyes kind of spoil the ending, anyway.
"He's in love with Tezuka," Keigo says, after ten minutes of emptiness.
"He's in for a shock, then," Ryoma says. He doesn't look up from the magazine. He's cried enough in front of Keigo. "Tezuka-buchou asked Inui-senpai out a week ago. Senpai accepted."
Atobe coughs. "You're back to calling him Buchou?"
"He's not anywhere near Kanpeki now. I have no reason to not respect him."
"Look at you, Mr. Practical."
"I wasn't practical when I shut the door on him."
"They had sex the morning after."
"Meaning that morning."
"How are you not bothered by it anymore?"
The question's useless. Ryoma is more bothered than anyone else about it. But he's done wearing his heart on his sleeve. Keigo knows that, but he still gets surprised.
So Ryoma just shrugs and hums. Default response.
"He's not coming back, you know."
Ryoma doesn't stop flipping through the mag. "He'll come back."
"He won't come back. Not even after he finds about Inui." Keigo's hands fly to his face. He wants to tear his face off. Rip off the skin. It'll hurt less than his heartbreak.
"He'll come back," Ryoma stubbornly repeats. Keigo says, "Do you enjoy living in your dreams?"
Ryoma looks at Keigo. "It's not a dream."
Keigo snaps. But he won't shout at Ryoma. So he leaves the room instead.
I feel so much better now that you're gone forever
I tell myself that I don't miss you at all
Shiraishi rues the days Hikaru Zaizen decides to play the What's Bothering The Captain game.
"Everything's fine," he insists. But Zaizen can be a perceptive fuck sometimes. "You've been skipping school. And you don't laugh anymore. That's practically a crime in Shitenhouji."
"You'd know, Hikaru."
"Don't change the topic, Buchou. Something's off. You've been out of it lately."
Shiraishi notices the quiet anger in his quiet successor. Also the worry.
"I don't know," he says, running his bandaged hand through his hair. "I'm having troubles."
"What kind?"
"Why do you want to help me so much?"
Zaizen looks away. "Helping a senpai. What's so fucking wrong about that?"
"Watch your language, Hikaru."
Although he's probably used filthier words in everyday conversations that take place on beds and in showers. He's set enough of a bad example. Now he needs to be good.
"Yeah. Sure. What kind of troubles?"
Shiraishi doesn't want to answer him. He doesn't want to saddle Zaizen with the kind of shit he's gone through. But Zaizen's insistence is giving him no choice. Okay. He asked for it.
"I had two boyfriends. They used to leave me out of shit. So I accidentally went and fucked Seigaku's captain. It got all fucked up from there. I left the two boyfriends. Seigaku's captain also has someone now. Basically I'm single. The trouble is, I still love Atobe and Echizen and I feel guilty as fuck for taking Tezuka's firsts. I can't go to any of them, now."
Zaizen only says, "Watch your language, Buchou."
This fucking sassy brat.
"Hey, I have an idea to get your mind off things."
Shiraishi asks his question with an eyebrow raise. He's mentally exhausted. Zaizen says, "Let's go get you piercings, Shiraishi."
"Helping me with my problems makes me your equal now, does it?"
"Sure."
They go after practice. Zaizen's very, very eager to help him. Shiraishi wonders why.
"Ear piercings like me. They'll look good on you. Trust me."
Shiraishi can only be swept up in Zaizen's tidal wave.
He goes and gets six piercings on his left ear. Zaizen's left congratulating him by the time they come out of the tattoo/piercings parlour. "You look so fucking cool, Buchou. No joke."
"Ah, ecstasy," Shiraishi says with a wry smile. "I live to look cool. My ear fucking hurts."
Zaizen smirks. "Totally. So, in celebration, let's go to a bar."
"Maybe we can change out of our uniforms first."
He can't say no anymore. What's the point? He doesn't have anything to go back to.
They go to some club. It's crowded. Shiraishi makes a beeline for the alcohol counter. Zaizen follows. "Let's dance!"
"I can't dance, Zaizen."
"Yes, you can. Come on."
"I can't."
"We're here for the dancing."
"I'm here for the drinking."
"Shiraishi." Zaizen takes his hand.
And that's when he gets it. The reason Hikaru's so invested in his 'recovery'.
It's clear in the way he looks at him. This warm, soft look that Hikaru's giving him. His unforgiving gaze which softens when he looks at Shiraishi. An arrogant asshole with a crush.
No.
Nope.
He's not having any of it. He's not going to fuck someone else up. He's not going to lead someone on, and he's not going to break another person like he broke Atobe and Echizen and Tezuka.
He wrenches his hand out of Zaizen's grasp and says nothing as he pushes through the crowd of people and exits the place. Walking furiously, he wonders why he didn't see this before. It must have been really obvious to everyone else. Zaizen wasn't really hiding it.
He's alone when he's walking, and then suddenly he's not.
"What's the big deal, Buchou? Why'd you fucking leave?" Zaizen grabs his arms and stalls him.
Shiraishi's about ten centimetres taller. And kind of stronger. He can get Zaizen's hands off him. So he does. "I'm not entertaining your puppy crush, Zaizen."
"Wha - the fuck, Shiraishi?"
Shiraishi resumes striding, but he can hear Zaizen saying, "It's not a crush. I'm in love with you."
He tries to ignore the dramatic potential of the moment and resists going back to him and fitting his mouth over Zaizen's lips. He's weak like that, he'd actually do it.
"Just give me a goddamn chance!" Zaizen yells angrily when Shiraishi's far away.
No.
But he ends up doing it. He's a fuck-up. He's a twisted fuck-up.
You're a doll you are flawless
But I just can't wait for love to destroy us
Zaizen ends up confronting Shiraishi thrice more before he manages to kiss him, and it's heartbreaking because Shiraishi won't move his lips against Zaizen's, he won't move his arms and wrap them around Zaizen.
Zaizen kisses carefully. Completely opposite to Ryoma. Zaizen likes slow, deep kisses where there's no room for frenzy and desperation, and he holds Shiraishi tight, because Shirashi's not a fragile object, he's not delicate and frail, he's tough as fuck and sharper than knives - no one else sees it.
They do, but not from Zaizen's viewpoint.
"At least fucking kiss me," he begs of Shiraishi, who can only keep his eyes averted and say nothing. Because he can't say I'm no good for you or You're better off without me without sounding like the pretentious, self-sacrificing, selfish jackass he doesn't want to be. But that's the truth. Zaizen will find someone else. Zaizen will find someone else who's much better than Shiraishi, and there's no dearth of those kind of people. He doesn't want to be anyone's anchor. He doesn't want to keep anyone safe. Fire can't keep anything safe. Except itself.
"You pick the worst times to be mature, did you know that?" Zaizen punctuates this sentence with a kiss, biting Shiraishi's lower lip and dragging it between his teeth.
"I love you, Buchou, and I'm staying. You might love someone else your entire life, but I am not about to leave. I'm here. Love them, but fuck me. Think about them, but blow me. Send letters to them, leave hickeys on me."
Shiraishi pushes Zaizen away. "Why the fuck would I even put you through that?"
Zaizen looks at him and gives him the kind of smile Shiraishi showed to Tezuka the other day.
"Because I'd rather have you like that than not fucking have you at all."
Shiraishi is stunned.
Love is stupid. Love forces people to do stupid things. Love is destructive. Oh, Zaizen. Hikaru. Hikaru.
Shiraishi gives in.
Zaizen isn't innocent, even if he looks like he is. By no means, if the way his lips are running over Shiraishi's cock is any indication. Shiraishi wants to cry. Isn't this unfair? But he's too aroused to cry. Zaizen looks pretty with his mouth closed around Shiraishi's erection, sucking in earnest. Shiraishi cards his fingers through Zaizen's fine hair. The blush on Zaizen's cheeks isn't helping his case.
Zaizen hums in pleasure at feeling Shiraishi's fingers on his scalp. Shiraishi almost goes crazy.
Why is he doing this?
Shiraishi you're such a fuck-up, just grab a lighter and start burning everything down you're the accelerant; blaze it
Obscene sounds fill the room, and Hikaru is doing nothing to quieten the way he breathes in and sucks the head shallowly, leaves loud kisses all over Shiraishi's hot cock, wet with Hikaru's spit and his own precome, goes so deep he chokes, because Hikaru doesn't care how he looks, doesn't care how much his jaw hurts as long as he gets to lick Shiraishi's dick like this because he's a sarcastic, mocking asshole who loves his captain enough to want him to use him like a fucking toy. Shiraishi places his hands under Hikaru's jaw and strokes the corners with his thumb. He flicks Hikaru's ear, where the piercings are. Fragments of thoughts of his own piercings float through his mind. He looks rad as fuck. Getting piercings did help after all; he's smiling, genuinely, more.
Hikaru leans back. Shiraishi is mildly outraged. But he won't say anything. Hikaru's going to make his own mistakes. He's doing this of his own volition.
"Will you fuck me now?" Zaizen asks, staring at him with his almost-expressionless eyes, voice hoarse, moving reddened lips to form his words.
Shiraishi says no.
Zaizen's expression twists into hopeless, helpless anger - but Shiraishi says, "You can fuck me instead."
It's not Zaizen's first time having sex.
Shiraishi gets it. From the way he rolls his hips against Shiraishi's and stares at him through eyes that are half-lidded but not on purpose - he's actually as hard as him, as intoxicated. From the confidence with which he takes Shiraishi's legs and hooks them over his shoulders.
Shiraishi won't pry into Zaizen's past, because Zaizen isn't prying into Shiraishi's past.
Zaizen takes his own cock into his hand. Shiraishi cranes his neck to watch. He doesn't know what to say. Zaizen is beautiful. Everyone he's ever loved has been beautiful. Inside.
Hikaru strokes himself for a bit, using some lube he took from his drawer - he bites his lip and frowns - it looks like he's frowing - then he catches Shiraishi's eye and gives him such a sensual smile that all the breath in Shiraishi's lungs is knocked out and he slams his head back into the pillow.
"Buchou..." Zaizen whispers. "Look at me."
So Shiraishi cranes his neck again.
The feeling of two fingers entering him is almost too much to bear. It doesn't hurt too much - Shiraishi's used to it - it's the fingers he isn't used to. Zaizen's fingers. He's so fucking calm about this. Just how much practice has he had?
"I used to finger myself, thinking about you," Zaizen casually tells him. Mind-reader. "Till yesterday."
Shiraishi swallows hard when he hears this.
"Kenya and I used to mess around a lot. Friends. With benefits. He knew about you. Me being in love with you - and stuff." Zaizen curls his fingers. Shiraishi clenches the sheets.
"It's okay, though. No complicated feelings there. He's completely fallen for Chitose-senpai, anyway. Was all frustration relief." Zaizen smirks. Shiraishi wonders how he knows so little about his team.
"That's why I'm so fucking good, and you know that," Zaizen breathes, taking the fingers out.
Shiraishi only tells him to get a move on.
Hikaru, in retaliation, reaches for his stereo remote and switches it on. The first song that plays is an English one.
And then Zaizen fucks him in rhythm with the beat of I Wanna Be Yours. Slow. Hard. Deep. Shiraishi almost loses his mind.
They're both a mess by the time the song finishes. And then they do it again. Shiraishi starts to hope.
Secrets I have held in my heart are harder to hide than I thought
Maybe I just wanna be yours
Shiraishi gets a phone call from Ryoma one day.
"Hey, Echizen."
"Kanpeki."
Shiraishi's heart skips a beat. "What did you want to talk about?"
"Come back."
Shiraishi closes his eyes. "I can't. I can't."
"I love you. I love you, so very much - please - "
"Ryoma, I'm so sorry."
He can't hear Ryoma crying.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. We left you out of everything and we excluded you and I know I did and I'm so sorry, Kanpeki, please, I love you so much, please come back - please, please."
"I thought Keigo told you I wouldn't."
"Yeah, but Tezuka-buchou has Inui-senpai now, and so you can't be with him, right? And I know you still love us - come back. We don't blame you for cheating. It was our fault. It was my fault."
"No." Letting Ryoma take the blame is the last thing Shiraishi's going to do. No one takes the blame in this except Shiraishi. It wasn't their fault. It's his fucking insecurity problems.
"But it's okay. We forgive you. Please just come back."
"It's - it's not so simple, darling."
There's silence on Ryoma's end. Then a single word. "Please."
"I won't."
Firm words. Hard as diamond. Somebody's resolve has to break. It can't be Shiraishi's. Not anymore.
Ryoma hangs up. Shiraishi feels like screaming.
It's really not that simple. Shiraishi can't go back. He can't put the reasons into words. All he feels when he thinks about the two of them is guilt. And worry.
And love.
But love is stupid and destructive.
Shitenhouji travels to Tokyo for the quarterfinals of a side tournament. All the big schools are participating. He can expect to see everyone there.
On the bus, he and Zaizen sit together, listening to English indie bands on Hikaru's iPod and sharing one set of earphones, much to Koharu and Yuuji's amusement.
They also occasionally kiss. With Kenya and Kintarou's catcalling as background music. This fucking team of his.
Shiraishi really hopes his hope will last.
Atobe smiles at him when their teams cross paths. Shiraishi smiles back. They have nothing to say to each other anymore. They only talk through tennis now.
Atobe looks at Shiraishi's piercings. And then Zaizen's. Then he looks away, smile turning acerbic.
They don't meet Seigaku at all. Different block. Different timings. They'll meet in the semifinals. If they meet in the semifinals at all. Shiraishi wants to see Echizen and Tezuka happy. He's kind of sad about it.
"I'm kinda fucking glad, though." Zaizen says. Fucking mind-reader.
"For what?"
"You leaving them. I wouldn't have gotten you otherwise. I'm so lucky, Buchou."
Shiraishi curls an arm around the shorter man's shoulders.
"I'm also kinda fucking glad."
"For what?"
"You're shorter than me."
Zaizen makes a face. Too respectful to punch Shiraishi, his captain. So he winds his arm around Shiraishi's waist. "What the fuck ever who cares I'm not even as short as that fucking Seigaku brat you're just freakishly tall - "
Shiraishi laughs, and pulls him closer.
Sunlight falls on them - their evidence of a romantic happy ending - and glints brightly off something on Shiraishi's hand.
A platinum ring.
