A/N: The courtroom scene from TDW (Loki in chains brought before Odin) rewritten. Crack.

disclaimer: Not mine, no money made.

suggested music: 'The Lumberjack Song', or 'Always Look on the Bright Side of Life', both by Monty Python


The Courtroom Sketch, or: Nobody expects Mischief to Happen

The fallen trickster god was brought before the Allfather chained hand and foot, four Einherjar guards on either side holding onto his chains, jerking nervously and digging in their heels whenever he tugged a little.

„Loki!" Frigga called from the side.

„Hello mother. Have I made you proud?"

„Please don't make this worse!"

„Define 'worse'!"

Before the queen found words to reply, the king interceded from his throne: „Enough. I will speak to the prisoner alone."

„Of course not, dear." Frigga chided. „What are you thinking? I will be present at our son's trial. Last time you tried someone on your own, you tossed Thor out to Midgard like the Aether or the Tesseract or some other garbage, and he was promptly run over by a carriage. My poor darling! He could have died! Anyone else would probably have. Loki could have."

„Would not!" the chained prince protested.

„Don't talk back, son. You look thin. Have you not been eating?"

The Allfather cleared his throat.

Frigga switched her attention to him. „Oh by the way, did you take your valerian root tincture today, dear? Working yourself up so is not good for your overall condition."
A servant brought the queen an upholstered chair. With a nod, she thanked him, and took her seat.
„Proceed, dear, please!"

Silently, Heimdall, Sif and the Warriors Three entered the throne room and stood to the sides.

Larger audience in place, Loki grinned and mock-saluted. „I really don't see what all the fuss is about."

„Do you truly not feel the gravity of your crimes? Whereever you go, there is war, ruin and death."

The god of mischief looked around. „Thor? Thooooo-hooor! Father is talking to you!"
When nobody laughed, his shoulders slumped. „I wanted to rule the people of Earth as a benevolent god, just like you."

„We are not gods. We are born, we live, we die, just as humans do."

„And Jotuns." Fandral muttered. Sif stomped on his foot. He cringed and hopped on one foot, bumping into Hogun.

„All this just because Loki desires a throne." the Allfather mused.

„Yeah, and when you could just have given him Jotunheim. Nobody else wants that cesspit anyway." Volstagg blithely opined. Despite his physique he sidestepped nimbly when Sif tried to stomp on his foot.

„It's my birthright!" Loki snarled, ignoring their antics.

„Your birthright was to die...as a child! Cast out onto a frozen rock. If I had not taken you in you would not be here now to hate me." Odin retorted.

„When Thor and I were little, you told us we were both born to be kings!"

„Did not!"

„Dear, you did." Frigga quietly put in.

Odin shook his head.

„You did, my king." Heimdall solemnly spoke.

Some of the guards nodded.

Hungin and Munin croaked and nodded affirmatively too from their perch on a roofbeam.

„Dear, I wish you'd take this ginseng root they recommend on Midgard." Frigga sighed.

„Enough!" the Allfather yelled once more. „Guards! Take the prisoner to the dungeons! And Loki: Know that you owe your life to Frigga. But you will never see her again, ungrateful wretch."

Frigga rose to protest, but Loki beat her to it.

„And what of Thor? You'll make that witless oaf king while I rot in chains?" Loki asked, shaking off a guardsman's hand from his shoulder.

Hogun handed Fandral some coins („Not the axe, then.").

„Thor must strive to undo the damage you have done. He will bring order to the Nine Realms and then, yes, he will be king."

„I have not brought disorder to the realms."

„Oh no?" Odin sneered. „Then whom is Thor fighting as we speak on Vanaheim, if not your minions?"

Hogun stepped forward. „Actually, your majesty, that's Rob Rolf with his Ronin gang. They have been a nuisance for half a century. We could have uprooted them earlier – I mean, we sure have our own law enforcement in Vanaheim – but Thor so wanted to be part of it, and action never was convenient for him in between dragon and bilgesnipe hunting and scheduled tournaments, so we had to delay." He bowed and retreated.

Odin waved him away, irritated. „Well, well, but Nornheim. Nornheim had civil unrest."

„Yes, dear." Frigga spoke, frowning mildly. „Queen Karnilla was none too pleased when she learned our Thor had fallen for this lady Jane of Midgard – to whom you tossed him, I might add."

„Not to speak of Jotunheim." Fandral whispered. Sif stomped on his foot, sending him hopping.

„Enough!" Loki yelled. „Will you finally decapitate me? It's not that I didn't like our little talks but – I don't like them. You would never put Thor through such trial."

„Oh no? Wouldn't I? What would I do to Thor, you think, had he killed droves of mortals like you did?"

„It's not as if they didn't kill one another by the hundreds of thousands on a regular basis." Heimdall whispered knowingly to Fandral, who nodded. Sif stomped on Heimdall's foot, hopping away then one-leggedly thanks to his steel-capped boots.

Loki meanwhile pulled his chains, sending the guardsmen crashing into one another, and took the center of the stage, assuming a Thor glamour. „Oh, how I wish I could be a true prince of Asgard. Cutting down foes all around with brute force: the Frost Giant, the Dark Elf, the mighty bilgesnipe."
And then, he started singing:

„I'm a warrior and I'm okay,
I drink all night and I fight all day."

Compelled by trickster magic, the Warriors Three couldn't help but join in:
„He's a warrior and he's okay,
he drinks all night and he fights all day."

Loki and they continued, the warriors repeating each stanza and the refrain:

„I hunt bilgesnipe, I wrestle trolls,
I slay what I might meet.
I fully support lady Sif,
take credit for her deeds.

I start a war on Jotunheim,
the weather's really chilled.
I bring my friends unto that realm
to get them swiftly killed.

I shag my goats, my mortal too,
until they all go 'baa'.
Wish I could do my mother too
just like my dear papa."

Frigga gasped. The warriors and Sif, mumbling and grumbling, helped the guardsmen up. Just then, Thor entered the hall. He flashed his trademark charming grin* and winked at his mother, who looked away. Odin glared.
The thunderer didn't notice the odd mood.

„The Vanir criminals are jailed as ordered, father. What of Loki now? Has he acted out of place again? Shall I kill him?"

„No, Thor. Don't you dare." Frigga.

Odin just mutely shook his head.

„But why wait until he betrays uns again? I have this big hammer here ..."

„Thor, how could you? He's your brother." Frigga again.

Thor shrugged. „He's adopted."

„Right. Thor, take the prisoner to the dungeons, NOW!" Odin insisted. „And guards, send for the Torturer of Asgard!"

Everyone gasped at the mention of the Torturer. Nobody had expected that.

Loki tried to run, but unlike the guardsmen, his brother was strong enough to wrestle him down and dragg him away by the feet, hammer lying on his chest. On their way down the staircase, the fallen trickster god cried 'Ouch' at every step.

When that whining faded, the Allfather sighed. „Finally, silence."

Frigga stomped on his foot.


(A/N: *Thor winking at Frigga during the coronation scene, and her reaction, looked a bit beyond the usual son to mother mimics as far as I am concerned.)


A little while later in the dungeons, Loki was pacing in the cell Thor had thrown him into. From one of those staircases that connect Asgard's dungeons to every corner of the palace arrived Forseti, the god of justice and dreaded torturer, with two minions carrying a heavy beam.

„Ah, the Torturer of Asgard." a voice sounded from the cell beside Loki's. On a pedestal there sat the severed head of an old man, grey beard nearly reaching the floor. „Nobody has visited old Mimir here for centuries, but the moment the pretty young guy is brought in, he gets all the attention. What do you think you are, a prince? Oh, how I whish someone so much as yelled at me."

„Shut up!" Loki and Forseti yelled at the same time.

„Oh thank you my lord, thank you, I needed that." The old man seemed contrite. „You are a very good torturer, my lord, very good, very good indeed."

„Shut the bleeding Helheim up or I'll turn you round to face the wall! We are working here!"

„Shutting up, my lord, shutting up. Very good indeed."

Meanwhile, Forseti's assistants, who had deposited the first beam on the floor and left then, were arriving with another one, equally long and heavy. They struggled to lay it down carefully.

„Excuse me?" Loki addressed the chief torturer. „Mind telling me what these beams are for?"

Forseti hooked his thumbs into his belt, puffed out his chest and declared: „We are building a rack."

„A rack?"

„A rack."

„Very good torture device, a rack is." Mimir opined from the side. Forseti hissed for him to shut up.

Loki gave the beams on the floor a measuring look. „But, are you sure those beams will fit into this here cell?"

The assistant torturers exchanged sheepish looks. One produced a folding yardstick and clumsily took measurements, including of Loki's height. The young god flinched. The torturers then shook heads, looking disappointed.

„Rack's not going to fit in?" Forseti asked. They shook their heads again.
„Well, change of plan, then: Bring out the poisonous snake!"

„The poisonous snake!" Mimir gasped. Forseti glared at him.

The addressed assistant squirmed, looking at his hands. „But sir, I am ophidiophobic."

„Orchid- what?"

„Poor fella is afraid of snakes, sirrah." the other assistant explained.

„Oh. Afraid of snakes, are we? Poor chap. No snake then."

Mimir mumbled something about VIP prisoners getting pets he would be glad to have. The torturers and Loki yelled for him to shut up.

„But how do we get the criminal to confess then?" Forseti asked.

„You want a confession? Confess I will; hear me out! At least finally someone's willing to listen to me." Loki raved. „I confess that I am a Jotun, Asgard's enemy. It was me who let the Jotuns into the vault, and me who tricked Thor into starting that war, and I killed my own father, and tried to win the Jotun war by annihilation like Bor did with the Dark Elves, and I sent the Destroyer to kick Thor's ass, and I tried to kill myself but failed even at that. Is that enough? I am a failure. Will finally someone finish me off now?"
The god of mischief was on his knees, dishevelled and crying.

Unexpectedly to him, Forseti entered his cell to hug him and cry too. „You – you confessed. Someone finally confessed! This is so touching. I'll be forever grateful to you. You made me the happiest man in Asgard today, you have no idea. Thank you, thank you, thank you, my friend!"

The assistants also hugged each other and wept.

Things progressed from there on as we know them from the moving picture tale. Except that maybe, unshown, Mimir sometimes whistled a most annoying tune.