Chapter 8

It is impossible to avoid. Sakurai and my Zero Suit. I get all kinds of harassment over it, and it bothers me immensely. Ever since the original Metroid, I have worn my awesome Power Suit that I wore during my adventures on Planet Zebes. Shooting space pirates is my thing, not wearing revealing clothing and kicking people.

I can't say it was better in the old days, I can only say it's worse now. I used to have the option to switch between the Power Suit and Zero Suit on the fly. In fact, it was a strength, to have two sets of moves. Now, I have to stick with only one during a match.

This worried me from the very start, as Sakurai told me this disappointing news in his invitation letter.

Dear Samus Aran,

I am very pleased to announce (although you probably already knew) you are invited to return to the new Smash game, Super Smash Brothers for Nintendo 3DS. In the previous game, I could tell did not enjoy your Zero Suit form, and I think I know why. Because it was a hassle! (Interruption here: Newflash Masahiro, but it's TOTALLY not how sexualized it is! Not at aaaall!) So, I have separated the two. That's right! You no longer are under the burden of switching between your Varia and Zero Suits. You only have to stick with one the whole time. But, you may have a question! It is most likely 'But won't I be weaker with only one?' and to that I must reply with a rejoiceful 'No!' Why? Your Zero Suit is now armed with Rocket Boots! Your Varia Suit is equally powered up!

Your designer,

Masahiro Sakurai

OMG, he totally missed the point! I was absolutely furious. I didn't even have a way to get to the 3DS hub. Yeah, Metroid might be going out of style, but no matter. I had a plan. First, I called Ridley. Not on a phone. I just hollered at the top of my lungs.

"Hey, ugly scumbag of a dragooon!"

Ridley flew into me. I was wearing my Power Suit though, so I Screw Attacked underneath Ridley to get a powerful blow, stunning him to the ground.

"Hey, could you take me to Nintendo Zone? I figured you work there, as all denied Smashers work at that dump of a convenience store." I asked. "Hey, you! Pussywillow! I wasn't asking. Yes, it was presented as a question, but it was AN ORDER!" I yelled.

Ridley unhappily flew me over to the Nintendo Zone, and I had to hoof it from there to Smash Hall, the apparent new gigantic facility that it somehow free. I did think about using my Morph Ball, but that would hurt, rolling that long. I continued sprinting at a fast clip, when I heard a high-pitched whizzing noise from behind me. I stopped in my tracks, and reared my head, to see an unpleasant blue blur, an all too familiar one. It was Sonic.

Sonic was carrying a boombox, blasting tunes. "Rolling around at the speed of sound, Got places to go, gotta follow my rainbow. Can't stick around, have to keep moving on, Guess what lies ahead, only one way to find out!" it went. Sonic stopped, screeching to a halt.

"Hey, look who it is! It's Samus Aran, A.K.A. Mrs. Skin-Tight! Where are heading to on your feet? Who do you think you are, Sonic the Hedgehog or something?"

"Well, I was walking to Smash Hall." I replied.

"Samus, Samus, Samus! It's 25 more miles! No way you'd make it there in time!" Sonic giggled.

"Well, obviously I have no other choice here." I sighed.

"I could carry you on my back, I guess. Assuming your jiggle physics don't decapitate me!" Sonic laughed hysterically.

"You know what, I'll take what I can get!" I said, exhausted.

I hopped on Sonic's back, and off he went. To be honest, I expected more speed from the Sonic the Hedgehog himself. Thank goodness, he was fast enough to get there in under a minute.

"Well Samus, now you gotta pay the fare." Sonic said, grinning like a cat.

"What fricking fare?" I said.

"Now you have to give me a kiss!" he replied.

If he thought I was as dumb as that, then I think it's Sonic who's the dumb one. Right when Sonic closed his eyes, I pulled out a Metroid baby, not enough to kill him, but it'd give him electrical spasms for about a day. I slammed it into his face, and rolled away as a Morph Ball as fast as I could muster.

"Hey! Aaaah! What is this? Oh my god this hurts!" Sonic cried. "I'm not letting you get away with this, Samus Aran! You hear me?"

I popped out of my Morph Ball. "Well, you let me know when your little friend lets go, Sonic! I think he's getting attached to you now!" I laughed so hard then.

I entered Smash Hall, everything seemed pretty normal. I saw most of my friends from Brawl. Unfortunately, I couldn't be friends with any of the men, and I just can't bring myself to gossip with girls all day. So thank God I saw R.O.B sitting in the lounge, as he is cool, if not boring occasionally. He is a good listener!

"Hey, R.O.B! How's my ol' Robotic Operating Buddy? You just chilling here? Can I talk with you a while?" I greeted my friend.

"Hello Samus Aran. I am not of any temperature different than is normal, so I'd have to disagree with your statement that I am 'chilling'. Other than that, yes, I'd very much enjoy hearing what you have to say." R.O.B buzzed.

"Oh, you! Well, I have just the best tale to tell you! So, Sonic saw me walking to Smash Hall, and so he offered me a ride, and then when we got here, he wanted to kiss me, and there's no way I would, like, ever do that! When he closed his eyes, I stuck a little baby Metroid on his lips! It's like licking a 9-Volt, I'd imagine! Isn't that just the best?" I said excitedly.

"Of course, Samus. Are you interested in hearing what I did recently?" R.O.B. asked.

"Uh, sure."

"I spent eight years collecting dust in Sakurai's closet. Then, Super Smash Brothers for Nintendo 3DS was announced. Then, he got me out. Now, I'm here. Interesting, hmm?"

"That's really great, R.O.B! How much dust did you collect?" I laughed.

"When I previously stated I was collecting dust, I was attempting to use the speech pattern known as a figure of speech. Of all people, I would expect you to understand, Samus Aran. Are you aware that dust is partially made of human skin?"

When R.O.B. decides to start a game of Are You Aware, it can go on for hours. I'm not exaggerating in the slightest. He can just spit out facts forever.

"Are you aware the movie Texas Chainsaw Massacre is set in the state of Texas?"

"Yes, R.O.B, I was in fact aware of that."

"Are you aware Pee-Wee Herman once did a PSA on crack cocaine?"

"Actually, no."

"Are you aware Paul Reubens, the actor of Pee-Wee Herman, was arrested for-"

All of a sudden, a dog creeped up on our futon, stood in a begging position, with both arms up, and showed all of his teeth, and laughed so hard at R.O.B. Then, a bird swooped in and perched on the dog's back.

"Aw, hey little buddy! Where'd a wittle cutie wike you come fwom? Huh? Huh?" I said in baby talk, picking him up and placing him on my lap.

"Samus Aran, in case your human hearing couldn't pick it up, Little Mac of Punch-Out fame just commented to Dark Pit on, and I quote, how much he wanted to be that damn dog right there. I apologize for the obscenity, but I was simply quoting word-for-word what he said." R.O.B. whirred.

Suddenly, as if my entire circle of friends from Brawl had decided to congregate, that is to say, two, Mr. Game & Watch strolled into the lounge, and of course he had his translation box on.

"Hiya, Sammy! So glad to see a familiar face all of a sudden. So many new characters..." he shook his head.

"Hi. I know, right? I don't know, like, even half of these people!" I replied.

"Samus Aran, I must admit, that might not have been the wisest statement to make." R.O.B. said flatly.

"Aw, lay off her, R.O.B! You're such a know-it-all sometimes, man!" Mr. Game & Watch pointed out.

"Is nobody concerned about this dog? Nobody at all?" I pressed.

Pit stood up. "Yes, it's the dog from Duck Hunt, and one bird."

"Yeah, but how'd it get here? Does this wittle fella have an owner?"

Duck Hunt leaped up and slapped me on the face with his paws. Not even that hard, either. It was more of a comical slap. All of a sudden, these pixelated men in suits and sombreros popped up. They honestly looked like part of a drug cartel.

"Guys, the dog and bird are the owners, got it? They just can't talk, awright? Give him some respect. If anyone decides to give Duck Hunt any more trouble, we're gonna do a lot more than a warning shot." the lean one in black said.

"Yeah, Manny!" one in brown cheered.

"Awright? Awright then. Let's go, boys!" the first one called. Duck Hunt followed.

"Man, Sammy! It seems the little puppy has a posse. That'd make a great movie, Puppy with a Posse. Don't you think? Huh? Huh?" Mr. Game & Watch exploded in excitement.

"I'd love to see you on a Red Bull…" I muttered, walking off.