Happy Monday!


Ed Tucker was laying in Olivia Benson's bed, just staring at the ceiling. Olivia was sound asleep next to him, but his mind was churning too much to even think about joining her slumber. He couldn't get the entire day out of his head. It had been a rollercoaster of emotion for him. Just watching his daughter play with Noah and see her laugh with Olivia touched his heart in ways he didn't know were possible. It had him feeling like some day, in the future, they could all be a family. Their own little unit. But before that could happen, he had to figure out what the hell happened to Charlie.

His first instinct was that she may have gotten herself into a bad crowd, played around with drugs, and ended up in some trouble. It would make sense, since she had said that her relationship with her mother was frayed. Of course she would get to college and work to find friends and a way to check out. Maybe she had gotten into financial trouble from that, and ended up dodging people. Ed saw this in his line of work all the time. If this were the case, of course she panicked when Olivia, a police officer she barely knew, was questioning her.

But he couldn't shake the fact that there was more to it than that. At this point, he would almost be relieved if it ended up being a drug issue. Because the other scenarios he had in his head made him sick to his stomach. Olivia was very adamant that he not go snooping around, but it was hard for him to just sit back in the dark. Whatever happened was partially his fault anyways, because he hadn't been around. And at this point, he fully deserved the misery he was feeling because of how shitty of a dad he had been. Or at least, that was how his thought were running right now.

He finally gave up on a sleep and softly made his way to the living room to turn on the Yankees replay. For a while he just sat there in the dark, the only light coming from the TV. He kept eying his laptop on the coffee table. But he couldn't pick it up. No. He had to listen to Liv and not go snooping. But the longer he sat there, the harder it became to let it go. Soon he found himself reaching for the device and powering it on. He watched the computer come to life, followed by the blasting of jazz music through the speakers.

"Shit," he muttered to himself and he frantically hit mute. He realized he had forgotten to turn off his Pandora station when he left work. The apartment was now silent again, so he was hoping it didn't wake anyone. As his heart rate slowed down to a normal pace, he opened up Google and pondered whether he should go through with this or not. If he really wanted to, he could call up his buddy from years ago who works with Miami PD and likely get a lot more information than he would on Google. Between Ed's connections as well as his buddy's, there was no telling how much information they could find out. But somehow, making that phone call seemed more of a betrayal than a simple internet search. I mean, who was he really hurting at this point?

"Why are you awake?" Ed startled and turned around to find Olivia standing there in an oversized t-shirt and no pants. "Ed Tucker, you better not be doing what I think you are doing."

"I…well, I wasn't yet" he answered sheepishly, knowing there was no way out of this. He had been caught.

"Babe, you are going to drive yourself crazy with this. Come on, back to bed." She tried to pull him up, but he didn't budge. His eyes were troubled. Olivia sighed, realizing she wasn't getting back to bed anytime soon either, and plopped next to him.

"This is punishment for my being such a terrible father to her. I wasn't around, she got hurt in some way that we still don't know, and now my punishment is to have all these scenarios in my head." Ed just stated this as if it were a hard fact. But it took Olivia's breath away.

"No. No no no," she rushed to correct this line of thinking. "You are NOT being punished. Ed, you made some mistakes. But we all make mistakes. Don't do this to yourself. You can't go back and fix things. All you can do is be present now. Love her now. Support her now."

They sat in silence for a bit, Ed's mind still churning at lightning speed. He absolutely planned on supporting her and protecting her now, but so far he had no clue how. He needed to know what happened in order to fix it.

"Olivia, what if this were Noah. And you knew something happened to him, but he wouldn't tell you. And you could probably find out if you just got to work investigating, are you telling me you wouldn't?" Tucker knew he was hitting her in the gut, but he needed her to understand where his head was at right now.

Olivia sat back and looked at him for a while, taking some deep breaths and thinking about how to answer.

"I suppose I don't know. I hope I would trust him, but if I thought he were in danger, there is nothing I wouldn't do to help him." As she said the words, she finally realized what Ed was feeling. He was feeling like his little girl was hurting, and had possibly been hurt, and it was killing him.

"Liv, what is your gut telling you here? You have the best instincts I've ever known. And if you really tell me you feel she is safe and will come to us, then I will back down. Though I can't promise I'll fall asleep easily." Tucker was looking at her, as if whatever she said next would make or break him.

Olivia let out a deep breath, unsure yet again how to answer his request. She wanted to try and calm him, but if she were honest with herself, she was worried as well.

"I'm concerned" she began cautiously. "When she said that people wouldn't leave her alone, and that she felt she had no choice but to move 1,000 miles away, and that she picked New York because she knew even though you hadn't spoken, that if she really needed something you'd be around….it all just made me feel like she had been in some danger. Wasn't safe." Olivia thought out loud, trusting that Ed would be able to hear her words and at least wait to go nuts.

"You think she is still in some kind of danger?" Ed asked, alarmed.

"Hard to say. My guess is no, because she's been here for a couple of years now. But the way she panicked on me, it's possible that she still feels like she isn't safe." Olivia was torn. She wished should had more time to really talk to Charlie earlier.

"Do you think it's drugs?" Ed asked, just needing to talk this out. He needed something concrete, because he felt out of control.

"What made you go that route?"

"Well, she's a kid who feels lonely. Estranged from her father, mom and stepfather are apparently not really there for her. It would make sense to go off to school and get in with a rougher crowd. Look for ways to escape reality." Tucker explained his theory to her and he could see her thinking along with him.

"I suppose if she got in deep enough, it would explain her move. The university likely didn't want to support her." Liv finished his thought for him.

"But…." Ed began, and then stopped. Again. He couldn't keep going with his next thoughts.

"I know. Don't go there, babe. Ok?" Olivia rubbed at his neck and back, trying to ease the tension. But he abruptly stood up.

"I think I'm just going to go into the office. I'm not going to be able to sleep." Olivia was startled and stood up quickly, grabbing his arms, but he continued. "Maybe I can get a workout in and then be productive on the mass of paperwork I'm sorting through from those dumbass cops in Queens that decided it would be a good idea to smuggle drug money from evidence. The stupidity of humans sometimes astounds me."

"No. Ed…baby…don't go. It's the middle of the night. The paperwork will still be there. Come to bed with me…" She began to kiss at his neck and knead the muscles in his shoulders, hoping to relax him to the point he would stay with her. He let her work him over a bit, before stepping back and holding her at an arm's length.

"Olivia…I love you. I just, I can't concentrate on that right now. I can't get this out of my head. I just need to….I need to blow off steam."

Olivia tried not to let that sting, but it did. She wanted to help him and he wasn't letting her.

"It's ok, Liv. Go back to sleep. I'll stop in the precinct later on and see if we can sneak off for lunch?" He was trying to make this better, because he could see the hurt and worry in her eyes. He never turned down sex with her. Ever. But he just didn't have his whole head in the game, and she didn't deserve that.

"You aren't going to smoke, are you?" She asked, unsure what to make of him leaving in the middle of the night. Her emotions were all over the place. But he let out a chuckle.

"No. A cigarette wouldn't even cut it. I'll hit the weight room, do some cardio, shower off, then go to my office. I promise."

"Okay…call me when you get to your desk? Or if you need me?" Olivia knew she wouldn't be sleeping well at this point, but it looked like Ed was leaving whether she liked it or not.

"I will." He stepped to her and kissed her before engulfing her tightly in his arms. "I love you, Olivia. So much."

"I love you, too. Please be safe." Her words were a bit muffled, as she had buried her face in his neck and took in his scent. But he heard them loud and clear. He reluctantly let go of her, threw on a sweatshirt with his sweatpants, grabbed his bag, and left.

Olivia stood in the living room after he left, her arms wrapped around herself, as she took some deep breaths. It was going to be a rough ride.


Thoughts? Suggestions? Guesses as to what comes next? Leave a review!