Disclaimer: As usual, Edward and Bella aren't mine...

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Chapter 8: The Morning After

They say that home is where the heart is
I guess I haven't found my home
And we keep driving round in circles
Afraid to call this place our own

And are we there yet?

They say there's linings made of silver
Folded inside each raining cloud
Well, we need someone to deliver
Our silver lining now

-Are We There Yet, Ingrid Michaelson

~July~

Pale light filtered through my windows. I groaned and yanked the covers up over my head; I felt like I had been run over by a truck.

I'd lain awake most of the night, unable to quiet my racing mind as I replayed over and over again everything that had happened hours before—Mike's party, James, riding a motorcycle for the first time… Mostly though, I remembered kissing Edward. I remembered his lips, the feel of his fingers tangling in my hair, his warm breath on my skin. The overwhelming certainty that I loved him.

I'd had to stop myself a hundred times from sneaking out of bed to go peek at him, asleep on Alice's couch. I wanted to know what he looked like when he was sleeping, if his pale skin flushed, if his lips opened slightly, if he snored, if he lay on his back or his side or his stomach. My curiosity was endless. But more than that, I wanted to see him vulnerable and relaxed; it seemed to me that he was very good at hiding, at putting on a tough stony mask every day and never letting anyone past it. Asleep, it would just be Edward, stripped of his defenses.

I told myself that if I tip-toed he wouldn't hear me, if I got caught I could pretend I was getting water or a book or—

But I knew couldn't. And it been hard, so hard to stay in my room knowing Edward was just outside, but thank God I'd managed to hold myself together. In the bright morning light I knew how stupid those plans had been; I could just imagine the look on his face if he'd caught me spying on him.

Part of me wished that I had gotten trashed at Mike's party, at least then I'd have the perfect excuse for everything I'd done or wanted to do. At the very least, I could have pretended not to remember the way I'd practically attacked Edward. I rubbed my hand against my face and wondered if it was really attacking someone if he kissed you back.

Probably.

A sudden image of Edward's face right after that overwhelming kiss flashed in my mind: dazed, a little confused, smiling lazily, mysteriously to himself. He hadn't looked at all upset that I'd done it, that was something at least. But still, how the hell was I going to face him? What I was going to say to him?

Sorry Edward, I was just experimenting. I've never kissed a guy before and I figured I should get a move on; those twelve months are ticking down pretty fast you know.

Ha. The funny thing was, I knew Edward probably wouldn't blink an eye at that explanation— it was the truth that would send him running out the door without a backwards glance.

I kissed you because I love you. And I know I only have less than a year but I want to spend it with you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

I sighed. They say that things look different in the morning, but the realization of my feelings for Edward weren't any less forceful or any less true in the daylight. I still loved him. Achingly. Completely. Now, it was the consequences of letting my guard down this way that seemed so much more frightening. There was no way I could have any kind of real relationship with this man, the simple normal kind where we went out on dates and told each other all our secrets and had forever to figure each other out. Where we'd introduce each other to our parents and friends and fall for each other in a natural, normal time frame.

That was what I'd always envisioned when I'd imagined falling in love for the first time. Instead, there was Edward— and I didn't know where he came from or how he employed himself, I didn't know his favorite color or his parents' names or his birthday. I knew he was sweet, I knew that his smile was now the most beautiful thing in the world to me and I'd do anything to keep him smiling. I knew that I'd continue to disregard every awful thing I'd ever heard about him and trust my own gut instinct.

I didn't know what kind of future I could hope for. Would it be better to pretend that nothing had happened between Edward and me, and content myself with being his friend? Should I tell him everything and let him decide how much or how little he wanted? Was it even fair to burden him with the truth when nothing could come of it?

I rolled onto my back and groaned softly. None of this was even worth obsessing over when I still had no clue how Edward really felt about me. I was pretty sure he liked me, a little bit at least. Maybe he was even attracted to me if that look in his eyes right after I kissed him had been any sort of indication. But that didn't mean he wanted to act on those feelings, or that he wanted something serious between us.

I was so confused and exhausted that I simply couldn't think anymore. The way Edward acted around me today would have to be my starting point. If he ignored the kiss, I would think twice about confessing anything to him. If he showed any interest… well, that was another situation altogether.

I closed my eyes and let myself savor the memory of our kiss as I had been doing during most of the night's waking moments; at least I had that much from him. One kiss. Surely after a lifetime of nothing, it would be enough to last me the next ten months.

But maybe we could hold hands sometimes… or he could hug me—chastely of course. Edward had felt so good in my arms, solid and real and warm and wonderful. Maybe he could twist his fingers into the hair at the base of my neck and tug on it gently as he had done the night before. Friends did that, right? Before I could stop myself I began to wonder what his hands would feel like on other places of my body, around my waist, down the sides of my arms and.... My cheeks flamed and I turned my head, mashing my face into my pillow, trying to bring myself back down to reality.

Behind me, I heard the door fling open and seconds later something bounced down beside me on the bed. It was Alice, making sure I was really okay after last night's drama. I pulled my face out of my pillow and looked up to see her grinning from ear to ear.

"You're alive!" she cried. "Not that I was really worried or anything— at least not after Edward went after you. I knew you'd be okay with him."

"Another one of your feelings?" I croaked, my voice still heavy with sleep. She nodded happily.

"Plus, I knew Edward would never let anything bad happen to you."

My eyebrows rose in surprise but I didn't question the statement, or her certainty that it was true. Instead, I figured it was probably a good time to tell her that there was a man sleeping on her couch. "I told Edward that you wouldn't mind if he spent the night here," I explained. "We got back really late."

"I know. I saw him when I went to turn on the coffee machine a couple minutes ago."

"You didn't wake him up did you?" I asked anxiously.

She rolled her eyes. "Please. He was totally out of it. Probably wiped out from all of last night's excitement."

I couldn't help it, my cheeks flamed in embarrassment; there was no way that Alice could possibly know what had happened between Edward and me, but there was something in her voice that made me unsure. I was seriously starting to wonder if she was really capable of seeing the future; I hoped not. I still didn't know what Alice would think about my infatuation with Edward. She might tell me to go for it, but it was just as likely that she'd warn me that Edward was the last guy I should be interested in.

It was obvious to me that she loved him. He was one of her best friends and she trusted him to be good to her and her friends. I just wasn't sure if she'd think he was right for me. She probably already knew—I had a sneaking feeling that anyone with eyes could see my feelings—but I wasn't going to introduce the topic. I couldn't take the risk.

"Well thank you for asking him to come get me last night Alice; your intuition saved the day as usual."

She shrugged. "Don't give me all the credit; I was just feeling a little uneasy. It was Edward who decided to go haring after you when I told him I had a bad feeling about Newton's party. He practically demanded directions to Mike's house and then he was gone before I could say another word."

"Really?"

She smiled mysteriously and nodded. "So how was the party? You weren't upset that Edward crashed it, were you?"

So I explained about James and how he'd cornered me in the kitchen, and how Edward had gotten me out of there. And then, because I couldn't help myself, I told her about running into Rosalie and how Edward had shown no signs of being interested in her. Alice had known her in high school and seen all of the guys salivate over her, so she would understand how unprecedented Edward's reaction to her was. But Alice didn't seem all that shocked.

"Edward never reacts how I think he will," she said, shrugging. "It's one of his refreshing quirks."

"But I've never seen a man ignore her like that before." And pay attention to me instead, I wanted to add but didn't. "It was so weird, Alice."

"Maybe there was something else he was more interested in," she said cryptically. Before I could reply, Alice bounded up off the bed. "Time to get up! Edward will be ready for breakfast in twenty minutes!" she called, walking over to the door.

I rolled back over. "Why does she have to be psychic?" I grumbled under my breath. I sighed and threw back the covers. It didn't take me long to get ready; I took a quick shower, threw my hair in a braid and got dressed. Slightly more conscientious of my appearance than usual, I wore my new jeans and a deep red v-necked blouse that Alice had insisted I buy.

Edward was just beginning to wake up when I cautiously peeked around the corner into the living room. He lay flat on his back and his eyes were closed, but he was stretching out underneath the blankets I'd given him, rubbing a hand over his face. I stood in the hallway for a few minutes watching him. His hair was rumpled and there was a faint shadow of a beard on his cheeks. My heartbeat skittered; even first thing in the morning he was beautiful. It wasn't fair.

I jumped when I heard Alice behind me, and went quickly into the kitchen so she wouldn't catch me staring at him. I ran around like a mad person, slicing bread for French toast, frying eggs and bacon. I was still able to see Edward from the corner of my eye through the open kitchen though; I couldn't deny that it was endearing, watching him rub his sleepy eyes, and run a hand through his hair. He nodded groggily at me as he shuffled sleepily down the hall to the bathroom.

Alice was perched on the counter watching me cook when he returned. My voice cut off mid-sentence and my face burned as he turned his face towards me—inevitably remembering everything that had happened between us. The tension I was projecting seemed tangible, frantic; there was no way Alice couldn't be picking up on it. Edward in contrast, was his usual, relaxed, easy-going self; he showed no sign of awkwardness or self-consciousness. But that might have been because he was still half asleep. Alice smiled sunnily at him. "Have a good night?"

He shrugged and sat down on the stool, resting his chin on his fist. "I've had worse."

Alice cocked an eyebrow at him. "I just bet you have."

I set a mug of coffee down in front of him, trying to keep my hands from shaking noticeably. He thanked me, his voice quiet and rough, but I had no clue what he was thinking and that disconcerted me. I needed something—a smile, a frown, an apologetic expression—any sign of his feelings.

It was obvious that Edward wasn't a morning person, but he woke up considerably when I set the plates of food down in front of him. When his took his first bite of the French toast, his eyes widened and a made a small, happy sound that made my insides melt.

"Does she cook like this all the time?" he asked Alice, between bites. "How the fuck do you stay so skinny?"

Alice laughed at him, watching with amusement as shoveled his breakfast. "Wedding diet," she said simply. "But Bella pulled out all the stops today, she normally doesn't do breakfast."

"And I thought the dinner was good," he muttered under his breath, causing me to grin into my cup of tea.

Alice took her plate and went to sit beside him. "You heading home after breakfast?" she asked. He nodded, still too busy eating to speak. "I wonder how Claire will be when you get back; she was probably wondering where you were last night."

I choked on my sip of tea. Claire? It was the first time I'd heard the name. Did he have a girlfriend that Alice hadn't told me about? Some girl back at that wonderful cabin that I couldn't stop dreaming about?

Edward nodded. "She gets weird when I leave her alone."

"Who's Claire?" I asked, hoping the question sounded more innocent than it was.

"Edward's cat," Alice answered.

I blinked. "You named your cat Claire?" I asked, surprised. It didn't seem at all the sort of thing that Edward would name a pet of his.

Edward rolled his eyes. "Alice named her. I came over here one day a couple months ago and Alice hands me this mangy kitten she found under someone's porch, informs me that its name is Claire, and tells me I'm taking her home," he rolled his shoulders. "So I did."

"And you've never regretted it have you?" Alice said; it was obviously an old joke between them.

I loved cats. I had always wanted one but Charlie was allergic and Renee never would have let one in her house in case it started ripping at her couch. Suddenly, Edward's cottage—already so dreamlike to me—only seemed more perfect. I could picture it: a cold winter night, sitting in front of a fireplace, a cat curled up on my lap. It seemed so cozy and homey.

"That's an adorable story," I smiled at him. "I bet she's cute."

"For a cat," he said dryly. I laughed.

"Stop being silly Edward, you know she's the best thing that's happened to you since you moved here—besides me." Alice set her mug in the sink. "And Bella too of course." My face flamed but luckily Edward wasn't looking at me; he was staring at Alice, his eyes narrowed. Alice ignored us and grabbed her purse. "I have to go pick up Jasper at the airport. Thanks for the breakfast Bella, it was delicious as usual." Her eyes twinkled mischievously. "Have fun you guys!"

We waved goodbye, and a palpable feeling of uneasiness filled the room. It was the first time we'd been really alone together, and it was awkward as hell. I wondered if I should say something, introduce the subject of our kiss—but how? I turned away from Edward to bend over the sink and began to scrub dishes; I was blushing again.

Edward finished the last of his French toast and refused another helping. He pushed his plate away. I smiled shyly at him; if I couldn't verbalize my feelings, I would try to show him that I was okay with what had happened between us. Edward returned my smile with a grin of his own. "Thank you Bella," he said. "Alice was right, the food was delicious. Where did you learn to cook like that?"

"Out of necessity only; my dad is one of those people who can burn water, and my mom… well, she didn't cook much when I was a kid." My voice dropped as I remembered the other thing that I lain awake all night thinking about. The possibility that it might be time to visit Renee.

"Do you want a ride back to Forks when I go?" Edward asked. "I forgot about your truck last night," he said.

"Thanks. That would be really nice of you." I knew I should have sounded happier, but I was still thinking about my mother. I sighed quietly.

"You okay?" he asked.

I started a little in surprise, realizing that I was still in the middle of rinsing out a pan. I smiled. "Oh, yeah. I was just thinking." His eyebrows rose questioningly, pushing me to continue. Edward had already heard most of my family story and I hesitated to keep going on about it. At the same time though, I liked the idea of confiding in him, of him wanting to know about me. "Just more family drama," I shrugged. "I was thinking about what my stepsister said last night—about my mom I mean."

"It's been awhile since you've seen her, hasn't it? Are you feeling guilty?"

"I know I shouldn't be. I mean, she could call me if she was really so worried," I lowered my head. "But I'm glad she hasn't. I moved in with Alice because I wanted some space away from all of that, I needed some breathing room. At the same time though, I don't want her to think I've abandoned her. I know how awful that feels," I said softly.

"Does she deserve it?"

"I don't know," I answered honestly. "I wish she wouldn't make me feel so guilty about wanting to be on my own; I wish she wouldn't be so selfish. But at the same time, she's my mom. I can't just completely cut her out of my life. I think—I think I would regret it. I wish someone would just tell me what to do."

I looked up at him and our eyes locked. He looked away after only a few seconds, but something told me that he understood my feelings more clearly than he was letting on. "I'm probably not the right person to ask advice on about any of this," Edward said quietly.

"I know. This is one of those things where I'm just supposed to go with my gut, right?" I laughed.

We were quiet after that. I finished cleaning up the kitchen, waiting for Edward to say something about the night before. The continued silence on the subject only made me more anxious; I was afraid that he was going to pretend like nothing had happened between us. But something had happened and I needed him to acknowledge that, even if it was only as a joke or lighthearted teasing. I was just thinking of a way to introduce the topic without sounding like an idiot when Edward stood up.

"You ready to go?" he asked. My heart fell a little, but I nodded and went to get my coat. Now obviously wasn't the right time.

When we pulled up in front of my truck, still parked on the side of the road by Mike Newton's thankfully deserted house, I reluctantly climbed off the motorcycle and fumbled with the clasp of the helmet. I held it out to Edward and he took it, setting it down in front of him.

He was looking at me like he wanted to say something, or do something but didn't know how to. And the uncertainty in his eyes exactly mirrored what I was feeling inside that I took a step backwards, needing to get away from him before I did or said something stupid. But of course I couldn't make a clean getaway—I tripped on a rock and lost my footing. Before I could fall, Edward immediately reached out and caught me, pulling me tight against him. My breath left me in a surprised whoosh and I grabbed onto his shoulders to steady myself.

We stared at each other for an indeterminable time. He didn't let go of me and I didn't pull away. I didn't want to.

I watched, fascinated, as Edward reached forward and gently cupped my face with his big hand, brushing his thumb against my cheek. And it was better than a kiss because he was the one to initiate the touch. I was immobilized under it. Frozen. And then his thumb dipped downwards to press against the crease in my lips; automatically they curled into a smile and I covered his hand with my own, squeezing lightly.

Edward was looking at me with such a fascinated expression on his face. Almost like he didn't know what he was doing or why he wanted to, and was trying to puzzle it out. His uncertainty was oddly… endearing. It made me feel hopeful. He wasn't running away from me, or distancing himself… he just wasn't sure.

"I'll see you later Bella," he murmured after what felt like hours but was really only a minute or so. And then his hand dropped suddenly, and he was pulling the helmet down over his head. Seconds later, the purr of the engine filled the air around me and he was gone. I stared after him, exhilarated and dazed, then made my way over to my truck. I felt like I was floating ten feet above the ground.

I spent the rest of the afternoon puttering around Alice's apartment. She'd left me a message saying that she and Jasper were spending the rest of the day in Seattle and probably wouldn't be back until very late that night. It had only been a handful of times that I'd been on my own in Alice's apartment, and I found I didn't know what to do with myself. The kitchen was spotless, my room was tidy; I could have gone for a walk but I didn't feel like doing so on my own. I tried to distract myself with a book, but I only managed to read a few pages before I put it down, remembering nothing of what I'd just read.

I finally settled myself on the couch, trying not to dwell on the fact that Edward had slept there, and flicked impatiently through the channels. I was interrupted just after 5 o'clock by a knock on the door. When I opened it, I saw Edward leaning casually against the opposite wall.

"You're here!" I cried, and opened the door wide to let him inside. "I thought you never knocked."

"I didn't want to scare you or anything," he said sheepishly. "I figured that Alice would have abandoned you so I thought I'd come keep you company for a bit."

"What about Claire," I teased, making fun of myself more than anyone else for my silly assumptions of the morning. "Doesn't she get weird when she's left alone?"

Edward's eyebrow rose. "She's a cat Bella. Besides, I think she had more fun without me last night. She's fine."

"So what do you want to do?" I asked, looking around at the empty apartment, acutely aware of Alice's absence. She was the one who was good at coming up with fun things to do.

Edward shrugged. "It's a nice day, do you want to go for a walk on the pier? And then maybe we could come back here and hang out, watch a movie or something?"

"That sounds perfect."

He paused, looking at me speculatively; I could see the teasing glint in his eyes. "If I promise to do the dishes this time, would you mind cooking dinner too?"

I laughed. "What is it with you and your one track mind Edward? I'm starting to think you only hang around me because I feed you!"

Later that night, after I had cooked and Edward had done the dishes as he'd promised, I curled up beside him on the couch as the movie we'd chosen began to play. In no time at all it seemed and without any of the awkwardness that usually crippled me, I was burying my face into his warm, solid shoulder. He wrapped his arm around me, and very gently ran his hands up and down my arm. I stopped breathing, shocked that it was really happening. In slow motion, he curled his arm tighter around me until his palm was splayed against my side, still massaging gently.

My face burned in embarrassment. I had gained a little weight since I'd moved in with Alice, but I knew I was still too skinny, my ribs poked out awkwardly, and it couldn't possibly be attractive. But Edward didn't seem to realize, or if he did, it wasn't enough to still his movements.

Gradually, I let myself relax, let the gentle rise and fall of his chest lull me, coax me into breathing again. I closed my eyes and inhaled his scent, pushing away every thought but the feel of him. Slowly, I laid my free arm on top of his stomach; I could feel the definition of his muscles through his thin t-shirt.

Mine, I suddenly thought, tightening my arms. I wanted him to be mine. I didn't want him to go home to other girls. I didn't want him alone in that cabin with only his cat to keep him company. I wanted to be with him. I wanted this to be normal, something we did every night, until I didn't even blink an eye when he held me like this.

For however long. Even if it broke my heart.

My eyes began to close and I didn't try to fight it. I wanted to sleep in Edward's arms. I wanted to have the memory of it, to give me the enough courage to fight for it. To allow myself to be selfish enough to want it.

When I woke sometime later, the lights were still dimmed and the movie was still playing. I blinked several times, but strangely I felt no disorientation or confusion. I knew exactly where I was and in whose arms I lay. I had never slept on anyone like this before, but it felt so right with Edward.

I slowly pulled my head back so I could look up at him. His head was thrown back, his eyes closed peacefully. At my small movement, his eyes opened and he looked down at me, the peaceful expression still on his face.

I had never noticed before, but there was a sadness in his gorgeous eyes. My mind still numbed with sleep, I realized that his heart had been broken before; the evidence of it was still on his face, more evident than ever now that he was so relaxed. His lips curved as watched me, still restrained, still masked. I slid my hand upwards until it rested just over his heart. It beat steadily and strongly beneath my palm and I felt a sudden fierce protectiveness of it.

Was there a way that I could have this, love Edward, and keep his heart whole and unbroken, all at the same time? Because I knew now that couldn't lose him, it would be worse than dying.


I just couldn't resist calling Edward's cat Claire. It's my homage to my Quil/ Claire story - I had to get the name in somewhere ;-)

I know many of you have questions: Is Bella really going to die? Does this story have a happy ending? Believe me when I say that I wish I could tell you! However, I've decided that this story has to unfold naturally - so when Bella finds out, you'll find out. Now, this doesn't mean that she definitely is going to die or definitely isn't - right now, Bella believes she is and that's the important thing. I want Bella and my readers to go on this journey together.

I hope you understand. Once again, thanks for reading and reviewing!