Chapter 8:Atlas' shopping list

All copyrighted material is used in a fictitious parodied manner.

Do you like music videos? Do you like them about video games? Then check out my youtube channel, Franklinsbrother to see some kickass videos for games no one seems to make them for. We have Blacksite Area 51, Legendary, Jericho, Haze,and Darkest of Days. Songs include Diary of Jane, Until the end, Nickelback's Hero, Gone forever, and Awake and alive. Future uploads include F.E.A.R 3, Call of Duty modern warfare 3, and Call of Duty black ops. On a side note, Have you ever played that Blitzball thing in Final Fantasy 10? Those Fucking Luca Goers are beasts. I was just trying to increase my teams skills and when I select League, hoping to face a weaker team like the Kilika Beasts, they pit me against those fuckers. I mean, what the fuck? Does the game want me to keep losing every game? Fuck you game system! And fuck that one Luca player Doram!

Renko had only been in Rapture for several hours and he already thought it was worse than Katorga 12. Every citizen wore a mask and attacked him on sight saying random things like "You bought that puppy I wanted in the window". Also, he was confused by the overwhelming number of sentry guns in a simple shopping area. Then there was the weird robot thing with the creepy little vampire girl walking around. He just wanted to get away from it all. He stumbled upon a winery, which was the first welcome sight he'd seen all day. He wandered down into it's cellar. He saw a little shack over a puddle of water. Inside it, he found a bottle of Moonshine. He drank the whole thing, and after a loud belch, passed out on the bed.

Jack and Roach walked out of the bulkhead. There was a female corpse laying in front of them. Roach tore off her panties and pressed them against his face and Jack properly salvaged her body. He found an Enzyme sample and an Audio diary.

"Julie, I am sick of this. You've been walking into my beehive collection droning on and on about bee enzyme. I don't care if that vector thing can revive trees, you can't just waltz into my beehive collection whenever you want. From now on, your gonna have to pay me 2 dollars per enzyme you collect, otherwise, I'm gonna cut you in the throat with my sharpened Key. God, I've lived with bees my entire life, you hurt any of them, I'm gonna rape you in your sleep." It said.

"Ugggghhhhh. I hate bees, ever since I played the gamecube remake of Resident Evil." Roach said, shivering.

"Relax, this flamethrower will toast any bees that come at us." Jack said, holding his chemo thrower up.

Meanwhile, in Fort Frolic...

Alcatraz walked out of Cohen's collection. He had a cat mask over his helmet, which he looted it from that one splicer.

"This place looks pretty nice. Those safes I broke open contained almost 100 bucks. Now, where to go next?" He said to himself.

He went around the walkway on the second floor of the Atrium. He stopped when he spied something interesting.

"Fleet hall theater? I wonder if they're showing that owl movie?" Alcatraz said.

He waltzed into the red carpeted hallway and came to the refreshment counter.

"Hmmm, I could take some candy and no one would ever know...Tehetehehhheheheheh." He laughed.

He climbed over the counter and took some pep bars and potato chips. Suddenly, a camera that was behind the counter spotted him and triggered an alarm.

"Damn, these guys really love their snacks." He said, pulling out his SCAR-L.

Meanwhile, in the power station Hephaestus...

Darius slowly awakened. He let out a massive shriek when he saw corpses pinned to these pillars.

"Oh my god! Am I in hell?" He asked.

"While you were unconscious, we landed in a city underwater and were taken prisoner by their leader." S.A.M said.

Darius looked at his hands, which were chained to the pillar he was hanging from.

"S.A.M, can you do something about these chains?" He asked.

"I am afraid not, you must press the proper controls to unleash the shockwave." S.A.M said.

"Your a fucking artificial intelligence and you can't even activate your own functions!" Darius demanded.

"Do not worry, the men who were with us in the time vortex will most likely come to our aid." S.A.M said.

"The men from what?" Darius gasped.

Back in Farmer's market...

Roach walked around a corner and an RPG turret fired a round at him, which he caught in his mouth. Jack grabbed it, it's exhaust still firing and threw it back at the turret, destroying it.

"How the hell can they afford these things?" Jack questioned.

"Good thing I used those invisaline things." Roach said, pulling out his transparent Tooth aligners.

"Those things cause cancer." Jack said.

"No, your thinking of those whitening strips." Roach said.

"They're the same thing." Jack said, going down some stairs.

"1 2 3 4 5 and 6. 7 8 9 10." Roach sang, going down the stairs.

Jack looked at Roach in confusion.

"I go 10 9 8 7 6 5 4, 3 2 and 1." He sang, going back up.

"Isn't that a song from The Wiggles?" Jack asked.

"Yeah, they're my favorite band. 1 2 3 4 5 and WHOA!" Roach sang before Jack tripped him and he fell down the stairs.

Jack descended to the bottom and saw some machines. A U-invent, Circus of Values, and a gene bank that had a tonic sitting in front of it. He grabbed it and added EVE link 2 to his bank. He equipped Security Bullseye on his Plasmid track because he had secretly been looking at Walkthroughs on his Iphone. He lifted Roach off the ground and they entered an area with a counter and a large patch of grass.

"Grass panels! Now my Wood elemental Chips will do double damage!" Roach said.

"Wrong game idiot." Jack pointed out.

Suddenly 4 splicers jumped out of cover and tackled Roach to the ground. Jack calmly pulled out his chemical thrower and set everyone, even Roach, on fire. The splicers ran around aimlessly screaming crap like "I'm on fire!" and "Put it out!".

"For 5 bucks I can." Jack said to them.

"Thank god! Hurry!" One of them said as they all threw their fireproof wallets at him.

Jack pulled out his Shotgun and blasted them all dead to the ground.

"Suckers." He said, collecting the wallets.

"Jack, put me out too!" Roach screamed.

Jack grabbed a bottle of whiskey and poured it on Roach, making the fire more severe. Roach rolled around aimlessly before Jack sprayed him with Liquid Nitrogen from his Chemical thrower. Roach was frozen in a small ice aura. Jack equipped his wrench and hit Roach square on the head and completely shattered the ice.

"You expect me to be thankful for that?" Roach asked.

"Your welcome." Jack said.

Jack looked towards the counter and was startled when he saw the corpse of a big daddy, which he shot with his pistol.

"Oh...It's dead." Jack said.

Jack went into the small backroom the corpse laid in. He looted it for 100 bucks and an Audio diary.

"I had my first encounter with him today. And no, not with those strange alien things the people on the surface keep talking about. My gut keeps telling me that he is a no good dick. Or maybe that's the Little Caesar's pizza I just ate. Oh well, He invited me into his tacky penthouse, it was the most disgusting display I've ever seen. He had cheap animal trophies all over the place, I bet he didn't even kill them himself. Then he showed me his personal wine collection. He offered me a drink, which I refused. Then when he wasn't looking, I stuffed a bottle of that rare Moonshine in my coat. He wanted to buy my industry, which I told him was not going to happen. He kept talking in a long drawn out voice like some big time gangster. He was ,of course, not. And do you want to know who this despicable man is? His name is Richard Osmond! No, I was just screwing with you. It's Frank Fontaine." It said.

Jack saw a desk in the corner which had another Audio diary.

"Earlier this morning, I was keeping some of the little ones at my apartment. It was like that one episode of Tom and Jerry Tales. I could not take my eyes off them or they break something. I had to lock them in closet. They moan like zombies so I drug them. I sit down on low budget chair to smoke cigarette and one of them sit on my lap. I shove it off and smack it in head with fly swatter. Then, after all these painful hours, I realize it not them I hate, it's the one who forgot to pick them up in first place." It said.

Jack and Roach checked the next storage room. They saw a bottle of water on the shelf.

"Thank god. All that burning made me thirsty." Roach said grabbing it.

"Wait a minute..." Jack thought.

Jack read the label on it's side as Roach started drinking it. It said "Distilled Water".

"NOOO!" Jack yelled, wrestling with Roach over it.

Jack kicked Roach in the groin, making him recoil in pain. Jack pulled the bottle out of his grasp, only to find that it was empty.

"Motherfucker!" Jack yelled.

As Roach began to get up off the ground, Jack smashed the bottle over his head.

"You idiot! Now where are we gonna find 7 bottles of distilled water?" Jack demanded.

"I dunno, maybe we could borrow that one from that Leprechaun over there." Roach said pointing.

Jack looked in the direction he was pointing. He saw a small boy with freakishly huge blue eyes, pointed ears, and blonde hair. He wore a green shirt with a green hat, white pants and brown boots. He had a brown shield and sword with Blue hilt. But what really caught Jack's attention was the bottle of water hanging from his belt. Hiding his pistol under his vest, Jack ran up to him and shoved it in his back.

"Stick em up buddy, gimme all your valuables." Jack said.

"How do I know that's even a real gun?" The weird boy asked.

A shot rang out, the boy dropped dead with a huge bullet hole in his head. Jack plucked the bottle off his belt.

"Is this kid from a Roleplay thing or something?" Jack wondered.

Suddenly, a splicer with a baseball bat jumped into the room.

"You killed my sex slave! You bastards!" She yelled.

"You rape little kids? That's the lowest you could go!" Jack yelled.

The Splicer was almost instantly cut down by Jack's machine gun. Apparently, raping little kids was not cool in his eyes.

"One down, 6 more to go." Jack said.

Leaving the rotting corpses behind, the duo returned to the grass area and found another locked room with a keypad.

"Hmmm, I wonder if any of those audio diaries I picked up had the combination?" Jack wondered.

"Maybe it's in another area." Roach suggested.

"Wait! The one with Tenenbaum!" Jack said.

He specifically remembered the words she said.

"That one episode of.."

"Little ones in my apartment..."

"One of them sit on my lap.."

"The one who forgot to pick them up in first place.."

"The code is 1111!" Jack guessed.

Jack entered the code and ,surprisingly, it worked.

"Ha! I bet Richard Osmond never had puzzle solving skills like that!" Jack bragged.

He went in the room and found some Napalm for his Chemo thrower and something else called Electro Gel.

"Electro Gel? What the hell is this used for?" Jack questioned.

"Maybe it's the stuff they put in batteries." Roach suggested.

"If it is, then it will burn like hell. I think I can put this in my chemo thrower." Jack said, putting it in.

"Say, can I give that thing a try?" Roach asked.

"Hmmm. Let me think." Jack said.

He pulled the trigger and zapped Roach with a stream of electricity. "No."

Done on the first floor, the team went up a nearby set of stairs to the next floor.

"Seriously man, let me try it." Roach begged.

"Hell no. You've got that machine pistol." Jack said.

"But you have like, 7 guns!" Roach whined.

"Then why don't you find your own awesome guns?" Jack said.

"Give me that gun!" Roach yelled, tackling Jack.

The idiots rolled along the floor, barely missing the light of a nearby security camera. Roach managed to wrestle it away from Jack and stood up, holding it backwards.

"Ah HA! Now whos the badass!" Roach bragged.

"Go ahead and shoot me then." Jack said calmly.

"With pleasure." Roach said.

Roach pulled the trigger and shot a stream of electricity into his stomach. He shook around like a crazy rag doll with a stroke and dropped the gun. Jack grabbed it and noticed a small crawlspace door. Grabbing Roach, he opened it, shoved Roach inside and closed it. Using his chemical thrower, he sealed it with liquid nitrogen.

"Hey, let me out!" Roach yelled.

"Not until you learn it's not nice to steal." Jack lectured.

Roach pouted. He looked around the little room he was trapped it. It was freezing his ass off and there were slabs of meat everywhere.

"A club! How fortunate!" he said.

He grabbed a huge chicken leg and was about to bash the door with it, but then he caught a whiff of it's aroma. Hungry, he took a bite out of it.

"Mmmmm. Chicken does taste good rare." He said.

Meanwhile, back outside, Jack was hiding behind the counter. He was counting the money he stole from the cash register.

"19..20..21. Wow, these guys suck." He said.

Suddenly, a loud rumble was heard. Jack looked at the bottle of distilled water on the counter, it rippled.

"Wait, did he say distilled water? How did I miss that?" He asked, grabbing it.

The rumbling continued, a tower of Jenga blocks that was standing on the counter fell down. One of the doors into the room opened. Jack hid underneath the counter. A Rosie stomped through the door, with a little sister right behind her or him or whatever the fuck it is. Jack remembered the walkthrough he read earlier. It said to use security bullseye. Creeping out from under the counter, he armed it.

Meanwhile, back in the meat locker, Roach had finished off the chicken leg and discovered a ladder behind it. Curious, he climbed it and found a crawlspace with an audio diary in it.

"Mr. Fitzner, I have thoroughly considered your suggestions on how to win this civil war. First off, I don't think putting Viagra in our tonics will make a difference. However, I am intrigued with putting mind control chemicals in the plasmids. Sure, I support freedom of choice, but if that fucking retarded gangster wannabe Fontaine takes over, he'll make everyone his slaves. So I guess there isn't much difference, I'm sure Roosevelt would make the same decision if he were in my place. So go ahead, put the mind control stuff in the stuff. I could get everyone to re-elect me too." It said.

Back outside, Jack hurled the blue security bullseye apple at the Rosie. The nearby security camera focused on her/him/it and triggered an alarm. 2 security robots flew in one of the doors and started peppering the Rosie with bullets. The Rosie went crazy and fired Rivets all over the place. One shattered a million dollar vase, one hit a portrait of Barack Obama, and one hit the bottle of Distilled water Jack was holding, shattering it. Jack panicked and hid back under the counter. The Rosie threw a proximity mine at one of the security robots. It swerved to the side and the mine landed on and blew up the counter Jack was hiding under, who was trying to light a cigarette.

Jack was annoyed by this and wanted to kill the Rosie himself. He grabbed one of the security bots right out of the air and planned on using it's propeller as a chainsaw. He pressed it against the Rosie's hull, where the blades were dislodged from the bot. The Rosie turned angerly to Jack. Jack turned tail and ran back into the area with the grass and hid in one of the storage rooms. He breathed a sigh of relief before he turned around and saw the Rosie standing right behind him! The Rosie punched Jack so hard, he flew Right through the door and into the tree in the grass. After recovering from the attack, he looked at the tree and got a stupid Idea.

Jack pulled out his wrench and started hitting the tree with it. The Rosie slowly walked towards him from out of the storage room. Jack saw it and hit the tree even faster. The Rosie advanced on Jack at a rate that was slow even for a Rosie. It took Jack an hour to wear down the tree's trunk, and surprisingly, Rosie was only a foot away from him and hadn't killed him yet. The Rosie aimed it's rivet gun at Jack's head. But before it could pull the trigger, it looked up in time to see the tree crush it.

The Rosie's arms and legs stuck out from under the tree. Jack moved closer for a closer inspection. Suddenly, the Rosie's head tore through the center of the tree truck and roared. Jack shrieked and pressed his shotgun against it's helmet and pulled the trigger, blowing it's head clean off. Satisfied with his victory, Jack grabbed the little sister and rescued her, getting 80 ADAM. Jack suddenly remembered that he left Roach in the meat locker. He scurried up the stairs and knelt in front of the crawlspace door.

"What have we learned today jojo?" Jack asked.

There was no reply.

"Roach, you better be sick or dead in there, I shit you not!" Jack threatened.

Jack melted the ice around the door with his chemo thrower. Inside, Roach was no where to be found and there was an oddly placed Metal Gear Solid poster hanging up. Jack ripped it down and found the crawlspace.

"Ah Ha! Got you you fucker!" He said, pulling out his pistol.

He crawled to the other side and found another meat locker and crawlspace door. He tried to open it, but it was stuck.

"Oh crap." Jack muttered.

He went back to the other meat locker and found the door there was stuck too.

"HeHeHeHeHeHe. If you want out, give me your chemo thing!" Roach said from the other side.

"You little bastard! I'm gonna shove this pistol up your ass!" Jack yelled, banging on the door.

"You'll never get out unless you cooperate with me." Roach said.

"Cooperate this fuck head!" Jack yelled.

A huge explosion blew the door open and sent Roach flying into the back wall. Jack crawled out of the locker, covered in ash and holding his grenade launcher. He grabbed Roach by the back of the neck and pulled him over to the meat grinder.

"I saw this on saturday night live." Jack said.

He stuck Roach's left hand in the grinder and turned the handle. Roach screamed in pain as grounded meat came through the lower opening. Roach pulled his arm out, which was now missing a hand. Jack grabbed the bowl that had the grounded meat in it. He shoved it in Roach's face.

"EAT IT!" Jack growled, rubbing it all over his face.

Jack forced some of the meat into Roach's mouth and moved his jaw up and down, chewing it.

"Now your foot!" Jack yelled.

"Oh god no! Not the foot. I swear, I won't ever touch your guns again!" Roach squealed.

"Good, sign this pledge confirming it." Jack said.

Jack laid a piece of paper on the table.

"Do you have a pen?" Roach asked.

"No...use this." Jack said.

Jack handed Roach a finger that had blood on it's bone. He signed his name on the paper in it's blood.

"Good. Now huff it." Jack said.

He noticed another Audio diary on the table.

"To move the great chain, we must all pull together. To pull together, all my citizens must purchase stocks! Buy low penny stocks at Ryan's stockmarket! They only cost a dollar or less and I get richer with every time I increase their prices after you losers buy them! Buy them! Keep the great chain moving! Don't buy Fontaine's stocks! They're worthless! Buy mine! If I lose all my money, I'll triple your taxes. Buy! Buy! Buy!" it said.

Jack saw 2 safes in the area and he managed to hack them easily with his Safecracker tonic. As he was heading down the hallway, Roach caught up with him, and his hand was back.

"How the fuck did you get your hand back together?" Jack asked, startled.

"My limbs grow back. Regenerating health. Watch this." Roach said.

Roach took his knife and cut his ear off. Seconds later, another one grew in it's place.

"That is fucking creepy." Jack said.

"It helps when I'm hungry too." Roach said, eating his old ear.

Jack nearly vomited when he saw an audio diary on the floor next to a bottle of distilled water.

"Harmen, I'm wondering why the hell you put fucking distilled water in you already crappy wine? If I want to drink some fucking water, I would just stand under one of these leaking pipes and open my mouth. This isn't greece. Back in France, if the waiter put water in ze wine, he would be fired. I'm sure you can do something else with all that distilled water you keep in your cellar, just stop putting it in ze wine!" The diary said.

"I could go for some alcohol right about now." Jack said, thinking about the tavern in Neptune's bounty.

"Last time I took a drink of wine, I was attacked by a swarm of angry French men and I had to use a chair as a battering ram to get through them. Also killed a few civilians, but they were probably prostitutes anyway." Roach remembered.

"Uggghhhh. I'd rather listen to Atlas' drunk Irish accent than listen to you drone on about your war memories all day." Jack muttered.

"Hey boyo, have you got the ingredients yet?" Atlas asked.

"No, I was just about to resume that." Jack said.

"Well hurry it up. That last chapter was 10,000 words long." Atlas said.

The duo went through the next door and entered another potentially dangerous glass tube. There were various sea creatures outside of it. They included Sebastian the crab, Seabert the white seal, and the Rainbow fish from all those books. Sadly, a Great White shark spotted them and swallowed them all up with a single gulp. The boys came to an intersection, one leading to the winery, and another to a beehive area.

"Why in gods maiden name would they have a fucking beehive down here? Do they have cows too?" Jack questioned.

Suddenly, a splicer burst out from the door to the beehive place and had a huge swarm of bees chasing him.

"All I wanted was some honey for my toast!" He screamed as they stung him rapidly.

He ran past Jack and Soap, who was watching in amusement.

"I haven't seen something like that since Winnie the pooh." Roach said.

"Maybe we should get the bee spit first, or else we might be too drunk." Jack said.

Roach nodded in agreement and they went to the beehive area, known as Apiary. After they opened the door, they saw a Gatherer's garden, and an Audio diary on the table.

"I now know properties of ADAM.-" The diary started.

"God, I am so sick of listening to these boring things!" Jack yelled.

Jack threw the diary to the floor and stomped on it until it broke. There was an overturned beehive next to them.

"How the hell are we gonna get the spit out of them?" Jack wondered.

"I'll grab one, then you can hold a vial under his mouth while I show him a picture of a Queen bee with breast implants." Roach said.

"Works for me." Jack said.

Roach put his hand on the door of the hive.

5 minutes later...

The door to the marketplace opened, revealing Jack and Roach who were screaming while running away swatting a massive swarm of bees away from them. Jack swung open one of the meat locker doors and they slid inside, slamming the door behind them.

"Jesus. Who knew bees hate photo shopped pictures of their queens?" Roach asked.

"Damn it. I just realized that the workers are females. They probably thought we were defacing the queen's good image." Jack said.

"I wish they were lesbian bees." Roach said.

"Should we photo shop a male bee?" Jack asked.

"I've never photo shopped male genitalia." Roach said.

"Shit. Alright, there must be some way that crazy flower woman got their spit in the first place. They're probably more in the back part of the store." Jack said.

"But what about those angry ones in the front?" Roach asked.

"Leave those little fuckers to me." Jack said.

Jack slid the door open a crack.

"The coast is clear." He said.

The left the meat locker and returned to the door of the Apiary. Jack held his chemo thrower close to him. Roach put a breaching charge on the door. It exploded and Jack charged into the store in slow motion. He gave a bloodthirsty howl as he shot a stream of fire at the beehive. Unfortunately, Revenge causes you to become reckless. Which is why Jack also set a little yellow orange bear in a Red shirt on fire as well, because of recklessness. The bear almost incinerate instantly, as if he were made of fluffing. You know what? That's exactly what he was made of, because Jack just killed the beloved children's icon, Winnie the Pooh.

Roach stared in horror at the pile of ashes left behind from the fire. He scooped them up in his hands and wept into them.

"He was the only good children's show character!" Roach said.

"Disney was going to kill him off eventually anyway." Jack shrugged.

Roach coughed violently after inhaling too much of the ashes during his weeping. Jack visited the Gatherer's garden. He bought an extra Plasmid slot and added Winter blast to it. Roach's face was pitch black from the damn ashes. For fun, Jack pressed his face against the floor and made a picture of a sad face on the floor from the ash. He went into the back room and his ears were plagued with constant buzzing. It was filled with, like, 20 beehives and over a million bees.

"Look! We can harvest the spit here!" Roach said, before charging in.

"Wait! Its-" Jack started.

Roach came back into the empty corridor swatting bees away.

"These bees are assholes. I didn't even do anything to them." He said.

"We'll have to start a fire to scare them off. Look for something I can burn." Jack said.

"I think this switch might be flammable." Roach said.

He grabbed the switch on the wall and pulled it down. Smoke flooded the room, scaring the bees back in their nests.

"AAAHHHHHH! Tear gas!" Roach screamed, jumping to the floor.

"Relax idiot. This must be how they get their honey. Let's grab them enzymes." Jack said.

Jack descended into the bee room. A timer appeared on screen.

"Theres a timer on that thing? Why the hell is there a timer on it? What if someones still in here when it turns off? Ohhh, a safe." He said.

Jack hacked a safe that was under a table and got 3 enzyme samples. Roach came into the room with him.

"(Cough Cough) God, I'm starting to miss the bees." He said.

"Don't worry, we've already gotten 4 samples. Just 3 more and we're done here." Jack said.

Suddenly, some splicers charged into the room. Roach spun around and gunned one down with his G18. Jack blasted one in the head with his shotgun. Roach kicked another in the groin, then shot him in the head. Jack blasted the last one. Then even more charged in.

"This must be one of those damn endless wave segments. We have to work while fighting them off." Jack said.

"You hold them off, I'll get the spit!" Roach said, running further into the room.

"Make it quick!" Jack said, blasting another splicer.

Roach quickly stopped at the vending machine.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Jack asked before a splicer hit him with a pipe.

"They have a special on EVE hypos!" Roach said.

"Who cares? I already have a dozen of those!" Jack said, freezing a splicer with winter blast.

"And they also have a special on grenades!" Roach continued.

"Grenades!" Jack griped.

Jack shattered the splicer and ran over to the machine, shoving Roach to the ground. Jack purchased several grenades and launched them into the group of splicers, throwing them all over the place like a bunch of Ragdolls. More appeared to take their place.

"Damn, how many people live in this damn-" Jack started.

Jack glanced up and saw that there was only 10 seconds left on the timer. "Oh shit."

He grabbed Roach and blasted a path with his shotgun. He threw Roach into the little alcove and dove in after him. Before the remaining splicers could follow, the timer reached 0 and the smoke disappeared. The splicers were literally covered in bees.

"Hmmm. Let's do it again, but this time, I'm prepared." Jack said.

5 minutes later...

A splicer ran in through the door. He looked to the left to see a shotgun barrel right in his face. Jack blasted his head off and it's corpse landed in the pile of other headless splicers. Roach carefully searched the various beehives in the room for spit samples. Finally, he found the last one needed. Before returning to Jack, he stabbed a couple bees as payback.

"I got the spit!" He said.

Jack blasted another splicer that ran in.

"Good, now we can head for the bar." he said.

The duo left the accursed apiary and went in the direction of the winery in the glass tube. Upon entering it, there were some masquerade masks sitting on the floor.

"I don't know what the deal is with the people's obsession with masks. Almost every splicer I've seen wears one. There was a big masquerade ball at the time this whole riot broke out boyo." Atlas said.

"They look retarded in them. I mean, they're nowhere as scary as those frigging huge guys in the Manhunt games." Jack said.

"Here comes Peter Cotton tail!" Roach sang, wearing a bunny mask.

"Shut up." Jack said, ripping it off.

"Puurrrrrfect." Roach said, donning a cat mask.

"I said cut it out." Jack said, ripping it off.

"I tot I taw a putty cat." Roach said, in a bird mask.

"I said- wait a minute. You gave me an idea." Jack said.

"A putty cat?" Roach asked.

"No you fucking retard! We can disguise ourselves as splicers! Then, maybe we won't get attacked as much." Jack said.

"What a super terrific idea!" Roach said, goofy.

Jack put on a puppy mask and the duo went around the corner into the winery.

"I think it's working! The camera's going to pass us by!" Roach said.

Unfortunately, the camera stopped on them and triggered an alarm. As if that weren't enough, a turret in the corner also opened fire. Jack rolled along the floor and blasted the turret to death with his pistol. Roach fired his G18 at the responding security bots, but the bullets didn't seem to phase them. One of the bots rammed right into Roach's groin, causing him to fall over in pain. Jack spray painted over the camera's lens. Then, in an amazing feat that was not available in the game, Jack tossed his wrench, which spun around like a boomerang and slashed the security bots in 2 before returning to Jack's hand.

"So much for espionage gameplay." Jack said as he threw his mask off.

"I still think I taw a putty cat." Roach said.

Jack ripped the mask off Roach's face. He went behind the bar counter and grabbed some red wine. As he drank it, he found an audio diary.

"We have successfully implanted sea snails into little girls stomachs. Now, as they consume blood, the snails produce ADAM. ADAM comes out as vomit. I know is dirty business, but better than journalist. Parents upset over losing little girls, but I give them something to help forget. Now, If only I can do something about ADAM stains on floor." It said.

Jack found and hacked another safe that was under the security camera. It had 2 bottles of distilled water, some alcohol, and some cash. Jack stuck the money in his sock. Then he took a swig of the Alcohol and immediately spit it out.

"Petuooee! This is fucking medical alcohol! Why is this in a bar?" He questioned.

"Maybe in case someone wouldn't leave?" Roach suggested.

"Whatever, lets head down to the cellar." Jack said.

They located a downward staircase and descended it. At the bottom, Jack saw something glowing yellow on a far beam. Using his telekinesis, he grabbed it. It was another bottle of distilled water.

"This game must use the same affects that the Call of Duty series uses to highlight it's key items." He said.

"It sure does. They're called 'waypoints'." Roach added.

"Whatever, lets move." Jack said.

Meanwhile, Somewhere in Arcadia...

The vita chamber opened it's doors. 2 figures fell out of it. They were the splicers whom Alcatraz killed.

"Damn it. When did they start making new big daddies?" The bunny masked one asked.

"You got me, Floogal. Whenever they did, I wish we were watching the telly." The cat masked one said.

"What are we gonna do now, Blotch? We ain't got no weapons." Floogal said.

"Ya got any dough on ya?" Blotch asked.

"Nope, I spent it all on buying out those sentry guns." Floogal said.

"Damn, I'm broke too. We could have bought some new guns." Blotch said.

"We need some cash fast." Floogal said.

"I got it! My grand daddy's tomb is around here somewhere. I heard he was buried with his life savings!" Blotch said.

"Isn't it kinda wrong to steal from the dead?" Floogal asked.

"Who cares? The Egyptians did it all the time. Besides, what good will that money do him in hell?" Blotch asked.

"Your right. But what if somebody already looted it?" Floogal asked.

"Ahhh whos smart enough to break into a tomb? You can only get in by lighting the 2 torches." Blotch asked.

"Then how are we gonna get in?" Floogal asked.

"Good point. We're gonna need someone who knows incinerate." Blotch said.

"It's a shame we didn't harvest that one guy. We might have been able to buy one ourselves." Floogal said.

"I would have if ya didn't start clobbering me!" Blotch yelled.

"I wouldn't have clobbered you if you would have shared!" Floogal yelled.

"Lets forget it! We can kill each other after we find some guns." Blotch said, walking away.

"I hope this green gas isn't poisonous." Floogal said, walking after him.

Back in Farmer's market...

Jack stood in front of a power to the people machine. He couldn't decide which awesome gun upgrade to get.

"Shotgun damage increase is most favorable, but the Grenade launcher damage immunity sounds like fun." Jack thought.

"Can you hurry it up? My MP3 is almost out of power." Roach said.

Without even looking, Jack aimed his pistol at Roach and shot his MP3 player.

"Ahh screw it. I'm choosing the shotgun increase." Jack said.

He selected the damage increase. His shotgun now had 3 little gas tanks on the side that increase bullet velocity.

"Lets see them magic guys survive a blast from this!" Jack yelled.

Jack swung around and accidentally shot Roach, putting him in "Incapacitated status".

"Hey! I know I tend to accidentally shoot my friendlies, but could you be a little more careful?" Roach asked.

Jack "Revived" Roach and they moved deeper into the cellar. After blasting a camera, Jack almost had all the distilled water he needed.

"Alright, we just need one more bottle of the stuff." Jack said.

"Maybe there's some in that shanty shack." Roach said.

Roach pointed to a shack that sat on a mysteriously present pond of water. Jack and Roach wandered over to it and were startled to see an American soldier in a black uniform passed out on the floor.

"Holy cripes! A yank!" Roach said.

"Hell yeah, USA! He can fight way better than you can!" Jack said.

"Hey, I can fight reasonably well too!" Roach said.

"Oh yeah? See that Rosie over there?" Jack asked, pointing at a lonely Rosie.

"Yeah." Roach said.

"Take her out and I might reconsider." Jack said.

"No sweat!" Roach said, calmly strolling over to her. "Hey bitch! Prepare to meet your doom!"

Jack watched in delight as Roach ran off to find cover after taking several rivets to the chest with the Rosie in hot pursuit. Jack looked towards the shack and went inside. He saw a tonic sitting by the bed, which was the photographer's eye upgrade. After taking it, several trap bolts shot out from the wall and pinned to the opposite wall, squeezing Jack into a very small space. Being careful not to set any of them off, Jack spotted a pair of wire cutters on a far shelf.

Carefully equipping his wrench, he maneuvered his arm through the trap bolt wire. The idea was to grab the wire cutters with the wrench, but he couldn't reach it. Frustrated, Jack pulled his arm back then slowly maneuvered his torso in-between the wires. He was still unable to reach it. Jack managed to maneuver one of his legs through the wires as well. Technically, he was free, but he snatched the wire cutters with his wrench anyway, slipped back into the barrier and cut them.

Now that he was Free, Jack turned his attention to the U.S soldier. He stood over the soldier and crouched down to get a closer look. Jack smacked his face a couple times, with no avail. Then, he pulled out his pistol and held it near the soldier's ear. He shot it, hoping the bang would wake the soldier up, but the soldier still slept.

"HHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYY!" Jack yelled as loud as he could.

The soldier didn't even stir. Remembering that one episode of MADTV, Jack reached into his vest and pulled out some firecrackers. He set them in the soldier's hands an mouth. Then he quickly lit the fuse and ran out of the shack. The firecrackers popped and cracked. Jack ran back inside to see the soldier...was still sleeping. Angry, Jack slung the soldier over his should and carried him outside. There, Jack plopped sleeping beauty into the small pond by the shack, face down.

The soldier still did not wake, but Jack had intended on that. He equipped Electro Bolt and zapped the water. The soldier shook violently and screamed. After the effect faded, the soldier got up and out of the water.

"Don't taze me bro!" The soldier muttered.

"Hi, I'm Jack." Jack said, with his hand held out.

"AAAHHH! Another freak!" The soldier yelled.

The soldier aimed the weird thing on his wrist and Jack and released some sort of Shockwave that hurled Jack back into one of the beam holding the cellar up. The soldier yelped and ran over to Jack's side.

"Sorry, I thought you were one of those psychological Trick or Treaters." the soldier said.

"They're called splicers you bimp." Jack said.

The beam Jack slammed against collapsed and the boards above it fell down on him. The soldier pulled them off.

"Anyway, I'm Nathianel Renko. U.S special forces." The soldier said.

"Yeah. I'm Jack." Jack said, getting up. "Whats that strange thing on your arm?"

"Oh, this is the time manipulation device. It can age or regress anything. Watch." Renko said.

Renko pointed the TMD at the ceiling above Jack and shot blue tendrils at it. The wood rotted and they crashed down onto Jack.

"Whoops. Sorry." Renko said.

Jack threw them off with his telekinesis Plasmid.

"Wow. Are you like a psychic?" Renko asked.

"No, these are from this weird shit called plasmids that I inject in my arm." Jack said.

"Riiiiigggghhhhhtttt. So why are you here?" Renko asked.

"My plane crashed and I'm now helping this corny Irish guy kill this freak named Andrew Ryan. But in order to get to him, I need one more bottle of Distilled water." Jack said.

"I know where I can find some of that!" Renko said.

"Where?" Jack asked.

"There." Renko said, pointing at the pond.

"Thats dirty water." Jack said.

Renko shot orange tendrils at the water and the murkiness disappeared, turning the water crystal clear.

"Not 2 years ago." Renko said.

"Sweet!" Jack said.

Jack grabbed a bottle of liquor he was carrying and dumped it out. He filled it with the clean water from the pond.

"Now I can get out of here." Jack said.

"As my duty as a U.S soldier, I must protect all U.S citizens. Therefore, I shall follow you." Renko said.

"Sweet, your way cooler than Roach." Jack said.

"Who's Roach?" Renko asked.

Roach stumbled up to the pair, G18 drawn, all bruised up and filled with Rivets.

"There, I killed it." He said.

"AAAAAHHHH! ZOMBIE!" Renko yelled.

Renko shot Roach in the shoulder with his Centurion Revolver.

"Owwww. Whens the last time you heard a zombie talk?" Roach asked.

Renko shot him again.

"It's alright, hes Roach." Jack said.

"What kind of special forces are you associated with?" Renko asked.

Roach stood there dumbfounded.

"He means what's the name of your team." Jack said.

"Oh, Task Force 141." Roach said.

"TF141? Pfffftttt. Those guys are complete pansies. It took them an hour to rescue a kitten from a tree." Renko said.

"Hey, that damn cat was stubborn as my Aunt Greg!" Roach said.

"Aunt Greg?" Jack asked.

"There's only enough room in this story for one support character from another game and that's me!" Roach said.

"Oh yeah? Then what about Echo Fright?" Renko debated.

"Echo what?" Roach asked.

"He's right Roach. The more support characters there are, the more smart-ass comments and retarded arguments there are." Jack said.

"Then why couldn't they put someone funny in? Like Matt Hazard?" Roach asked.

"Just shut up, we're almost finished with the chapter." Jack said.

Jack and the boys went back up to the floor in-between the bar and cellar. It contained a U-invent machine, which Jack hacked, then used.

"6 items? I thought it was seven items!" Jack yelled.

"When you hack the machine, it reduces the number of components." Atlas said.

"Then why did I waste so much time collecting seven of each?" Jack demanded.

"Because I assumed you wouldn't know how to hack." Atlas said.

"You stupid Irish hobo! I could have ended this chapter 3 pages ago!" Jack yelled.

"It'll be 17 pages longer if you don't shut up and make the vector, boyo!" Atlas yelled.

"I'll do it when I'm good and ready." Jack said.

After saying that, Jack mixed the vector.

"Good, now head on back to Arcadia, boyo." Atlas said.

"I'll do it when I'm damn ready!" Jack said.

Immediately after saying that, Jack grabbed the boys and sprinted back to the entrance of Arcadia.

To be continued...

Thank god, this chapter was shorter than the last one. I'll see you turkeys on the next chapter, Half Life 2 Episode 2 is calling me. See ya SLACKERS!