CHAPTER 8

He could see the tense set of her shoulders as she froze in place. He stood patiently, taking in the shock on Joker's face and the curious way that Tali tilted her head to the side as she looked at him. Shepard, however, remained silent.

Is she going to ignore me?

Moments seemed to stretch into eternity, but eventually Tali looked back at Shepard and nodded her head slightly in encouragement. He breathed a sigh of relief as she finally turned around and looked up at him.

"Kaidan," she said quietly, with no trace of a smile on her face.

"Hi. It's, ah, good to see you all," he replied awkwardly, glancing at Joker and Tali before letting his gaze settle on Shepard. "How are you?"

Good opener, he thought in frustration. Maybe you should have thought this through before walking over here, genius.

Kaidan watched as Joker rolled his eyes and opened his mouth to say something, but grunted in pain instead of forming any words. "Ow!" Joker scowled at Tali, rubbing a hand over his side. "What the hell was that for?"

Tali ignored him and turned to Kaidan and Shepard instead. "Kaidan, it's good to see you, but Joker and I have to go. We need to check on the Normandy."

"No problem, Tali. We'll catch up another time," Kaidan murmured, not taking his eyes off of Shepard.

Tali shot a warning look at Joker as she stood up, hand on her hip, her posture practically daring him to defy her. "Well?" she asked, her tone expectant.

"Fine, fine. Let's go check on the Normandy," grumbled Joker as he grabbed his crutches and got to his feet. He paused next to Kaidan, lowering his voice so that Shepard couldn't hear what he said. "Remember the message I sent you after Horizon? Don't mess this up, man."

Kaidan looked up in surprise, but Tali and Joker were already walking away.

At least some things haven't changed, he reflected. What is it about Shepard that inspires such loyalty in her crew?

A sigh from Shepard brought his attention back to his former C.O. as she gestured to the seat Joker had just vacated. Smiling tentatively, he slid into the chair, noting with surprise that Shepard was in civilian clothing; he remembered how rarely she used to leave the Normandy in anything other than a full military hardsuit, armed to the gills.

Her mission must be over, then. She wouldn't be drinking and out of armor, otherwise. He closed his eyes briefly, relief washing over him.

"It's good to see you again," he said honestly.

"Same to you," she said, a smile flashing quickly over her face. He couldn't help but notice that it never reached her eyes, though, and all too soon she was looking back down at her drink, tapping her fingers against the glass.

Is she nervous? He frowned inwardly, unsure how to continue.

He settled for a relatively innocuous question. "How long will you be on the Citadel?"

"I'm not sure," she responded, looking back up at him. "The Normandy is undergoing extensive repairs, and I'll probably be in and out of meetings with the Council and Alliance reps for a while. At least a week, I think."

"Your mission is over, then." It was not a question.

"For now." Their eyes met across the table, the sadness in her sea green eyes belying her calm posture. After a few seconds, she bit her lip, then picked up her glass and finished the rest of her drink in one long gulp. "Liquid courage," she explained flatly, seeing the surprise on his face. "Listen, do you mind if we go somewhere else? Somewhere not as loud."

He nodded his assent and stood, automatically holding out his hand to help her up. The feel of her skin against his palm as she clasped his hand to get to her feet sent a jolt to his heart, and his stomach performed an odd little flip-flop as he reluctantly relinquished her hand.

Get a grip, he told himself sternly. A lot has happened, and she still has a lot of explaining to do. Things may not work out.

He followed Shepard as she led the way out of the club to a quiet space not far from the upper markets. When he noticed her scanning the area, he knew that she was mentally noting possible exits and defensive positions, and had to bite back a smile. It was something she had always done. He had asked about it once, and she had laughed, saying it was force of habit, but that it had saved her life more than a few times.

As she settled onto a padded bench by the window, he suddenly became aware of their location.

This is where it all started. I wonder if she realizes.

He could recall the moment with perfect clarity. They had just come from the singularly unproductive meeting with the Council, and were tracking down Harkin, a lead at C-Sec. Ashley was with them, and they began talking about the Council races and why they seemed to have such a problem with humans. Shepard had smiled playfully and made a joke about humans having everything the Council could want, including oceans, beautiful women and the emotion called love. It had been the first time that Kaidan had seen her smile, and he had been taken aback by the realization of how beautiful the commander really was. Before he knew what he was doing, he blurted out, "When you put it that way, there's no reason they wouldn't like you." Horrified realization at what he just said dawned over him, and he tried to backpedal. "I mean, us! Humans. Ma'am."

Ashley had smirked and made fun of him, but instead of berating him Shepard had merely cocked her head to one side and said, "I appreciate the thought, Alenko, but we're on duty here." His face had reddened, causing her to smile at him before leading them down to Chora's Den in search of Harkin. He was left wondering why the hell a simple smile made him feel so warm.

Kaidan shook his head slightly, trying to ground himself in the present. It was too easy to lose himself in the memories of their time together. Focus, Alenko. He sat on the bench next to her, careful to leave space between them. You have a lot to talk about.

He took a deep breath, knowing this would not be an easy conversation. "Alliance intel had you coming through the Omega 4 relay. Your mission, right?"

She nodded. "Yes. The relay is the only way to get to the Collector homeworld in the galactic core."

He stared at her in disbelief, but her expression was serious. "The galactic core? I thought there wasn't anything there except black holes!"

"That's what we thought, too. Turns out, the Collectors had a base there. It was where they were taking all the abducted colonists," she said grimly.

The Collectors were taking the colonists to a base in the galactic core? Why – wait, hold on a second.

"They had a base there?" He lifted an eyebrow at her, noticing that she was hunched inward a little bit, her fingers fidgeting in her lap, clearly uncomfortable. As she looked down, his hand itched to reach forward and tuck back into place the strands of her glossy hair that had escaped from behind her ear. Not for the first time since the explosion of the original Normandy, he wondered if anyone else could make him feel this way.

"Had. Definitely past tense; I blew that place to hell and gone." A ghost of a smile crossed her face as she looked up at him, and Kaidan was reminded once again of how skilled a marine she was. On a professional level, he had always admired the ease with which she led squads to overcome seemingly impossible odds, and he would be lying if he claimed not to be a little jealous of her high proficiency marks for all weapons.

"What happened to the colonists?" he asked suddenly, frowning.

Her eyes darkened, and she shook her head slowly. "They were being… liquidated, Kaidan. Literally. Turned into organic matter to fuel the construction of some kind of human Reaper hybrid. I saved those I could, but it was too late for almost all of them. I had to kill the Reaper and destroy the entire base."

Kaidan's jaw dropped slightly, gazing at her in stunned silence. A human Reaper hybrid? What the hell?

"I know, it's hard to believe," she continued, her voice sincere. "But I already met with Anderson, he knows everything that I know. I gave him all the data we were able to gather; hopefully we'll be able to use it against the Reapers. I'm sure he'll brief you."

His mind was reeling, barely able to process what she was saying. She practically singlehandedly destroyed a Collector base and a Reaper? Is there anything this woman can't do?

He glanced at her, noting the way she was now rubbing her temples with her fingertips. She always did get headaches when she was feeling tense. There had been a time when he would massage her shoulders and neck when she was like this, seeking out the knotted muscles and easing them into relaxation. He sighed, wondering if he would ever be able to do that again.

So much has changed since then.

Then her last words sank in, snapping him back to attention. She gave her intel to Anderson? Does that mean she isn't working for Cerberus anymore?

"Are you… coming back to the Alliance?" he asked, unable to keep the hopeful tone out of his voice.

She ran a hand through her hair, pulling it away from her face. He could see the frustration in her features, and she exhaled loudly. "I don't know. I gave them all the information I have, but if they still refuse to see reason…" her voice trailed off, and her face twisted with irritation. "I just don't know."

Kaidan balled his hands into fists in sudden anger as he recalled the shock of seeing her with Cerberus on Horizon. He still couldn't grasp why she would work for an organization that she knew to be capable of atrocity. She can't be the same woman I knew. Not if she's actually considering staying with Cerberus.

"So, what, you're only going to come back to the Alliance if they can help you? Is that what you've come to, Shepard?" he accused bitterly. "What happened to your sense of duty?"

What am I doing? he thought in dismay as he saw her recoil from his harsh words. She shot him a dark, furious look before responding.

"My sense of duty," she spat, anger flashing in her green eyes as she sat up straight and glared at him, "is the only reason I was working with Cerberus in the first place! In case you forgot, they were the only ones who were actually willing to do something about human colonies being attacked. I swore an oath to the Alliance but this is bigger than choosing between them and Cerberus. You of all people should know what we're up against, you were there for the battle against Saren! So yes, if the only way to defeat the Reapers and save the galaxy is to abandon the Alliance and strike out on my own, I'll do it. I'll do it because no one else will, and somebody has to. So don't talk to me about duty, Kaidan. Don't you dare. Not when duty is all I have left."

The sudden outburst stunned him, and he looked on in growing astonishment as she practically snarled at him. I've never seen her this angry. Not even when the Council refused to believe the evidence about Saren. His anger lessened as her last words penetrated his baffled thoughts, and he found himself repressing a swell of heartache.

Duty is all she has left? Does she really think that? What have they done to her?

Abruptly, Shepard was standing before him, her hands trembling at her sides. "For what it's worth, although I'm guessing that's not much, I don't work for Cerberus anymore." Her voice was low and carefully controlled. Her eyes sparkled with the threat of tears, and when she spoke again it was so quietly that he almost couldn't hear her.

Were those tears? Shepard doesn't cry, he thought absurdly. And then – her last words registered, piercing his heart.

"Sometimes I wish they had left me dead."

She turned and left, walking towards a nearby rapid transit station as he stared after her in shock.