Gail took a deep breath and slowly rubbed her hands together. She was rethinking her decision to leave her gloves in the car. The night air had been warm when she first decided on a whim to head over to the bakery. She texted Holly to see if she could meet her but had not received a response.
Maybe she should have waited for a reply. She stood in front of the bakery, slowly freezing to death, and she was unsure if Holly was even going to show up. Holly could have taken an unexpected day off.
Gail would have waited if she had not been so eager to see the quirky waitress-slash-med student-slash-dessert maker. Now standing in front of a closed business on the cold night, she saw the error in her thought process, and accepted her quick action was flawed. But she made no attempt to leave.
She was already there. Even if Holly never showed. Even when the longer the wait became, the more the temperature seemed to drop. Gail buckled down and waited. There was still the chance she would show. Gail wanted to see Holly, she needed to see her.
She also needed to keep herself awake and sane. She let her mind roam through the memories of the day. It had a big day for Gail, not at the moment but later today. It was her first real test of leadership. In a few hours she would be leading a squadron for the first time, as they went through their practices for their annual inspection.
She had learned about her post change yesterday after leaving Holly. Her first thought had been to text Holly the news. Her second thought, why the hell would Holly care, had overruled her first one, so she sat on her instinct.
The only person Gail knew would absolutely care was her mother, and there was no way she was calling her. She could just imagine the pleasant advice Elaine Peck would share. She would remind Gail what she already knew, that this was her first leadership position. She could not screw it up. Pecks were not public screw ups. They rose to a challenge, not fell in disgrace. All very pleasant advice, Gail thought sarcastically.
Knowing the amount of pressure on her, she should be asleep right now so her body and mind could be recharged for the big day. Yet Gail did not make the move to leave, to go back to her room at her parents' house. Yes, she could easily get back into the cadet bug she had borrowed from the station. She could make the relatively quiet drive back to campus. She could go back home and crawl back into bed and close her eyes. But it did not mean she could sleep.
Every time she closed her eyes she saw the look on Holly's face moments before their last goodbye. There was an odd mixture of confusion and concern sitting in the forefront of her expression with trepidation hiding in the background. Gail never wanted to be the cause of any of those feelings in Holly. Holly was too kind and funny and quirky and just all around too awesome of a person to deserve those feelings.
Gail went over the morning again in her mind; but she could not point out what caused those negative emotions in Holly. She only knew she was not going to ignore them. Even if Holly would not acknowledge them to her.
If it had been anyone else Gail would not have wasted her time. People are usually a bowl filled with ridiculous emotions that were meant to be ignored. She had been trained to think that way since childhood, and it worked for her most of the times. But there was nothing rediculous about Holly Stewart. If she was upset, there must be a reason for it.
Gail yawned and checked the clock on her phone as she leaned against chilly bricks. Time sure moved slowly when you are stuck in the cold. Her eyes began to drift close, against her will. Gail did not fight it. They were completely shut when she heard a sharp inhale. A rush of fear pushed her eyelids back up. A weary haze covered her view and made everything look like the night. She pushed herself from off of the wall, blinking to clear her vision.
"Gail?" A confused Holly's voice broke through the haze before the sight of her did. Only when Gail finally saw Holly clearly did her fear completely dissipate. Holly stood before her, in a lightly oversized winter's coat, clutching her bag.
She whispered Gail's name again, as if she really did not believe the blonde cadet was actually there. Gail doubted she looked anything like a vision. She was standing in gray sweats, slightly baggy, with her messy hair covered in a black beanie. She wore crocs for goodness sakes! And, Gail surmised, her lips were probably slightly blue from the cold. That would explain why Holly eyes had settled on them.
Holly was there. The reality finally registered, causing a inner mist of happiness to spread through Gail. She was there. Holly had obviously wanted to see her as well, Gail thought with glee. Why on else would she be there so early?
Gail let her gaze drift over the brunette in front of her. Even in the dark of the early morning, Holly was still the brightest part of her day. Her long dark hair flowed down over her shoulder, framing her face better than any picture could. God, she was beautiful. And she looked tired.
"Gail, what are you doing here?" Holly asked softly, as if she feared disturbing anyone. But they had to be the only two people awake in the entire area.
"Why do you think I'm here?" Gail smirked. "I'm here to meet you."
"What?" It was a fuzzy 'what' from Holly, filled with confusion.
"What?" Gail mimicked. She took in the frown on Holly's face. The early happiness disappeared replaced with her own confusion.
"I asked you to meet me here... Texted you about it earlier."
"Really?" Holly's brow remain furrowed. She appeared still caught up in the haze of the morning.
"Yeah." Gail reinforced the word with a nod.
It took a moment for the words to settle in. Holly lifted her glasses to wipe her eyes, then pressed the backside of her hand against her lips to stifle a yawn. She had obviously only awoken recently. A brief image of Holly lying next to Gail as she woke up to the morning drifted through Gail's mind. Gail took a step back clearly startled.
She could see the image vividly. The two of them faced each other. Holly's head rested between Gail's chin and her shoulder. The scene was so serene, so simple and so realistic that it felt like a memory instead of flash of thought.
Gail had no clue what it meant. Why would she be thinking about an intimate scene with Holly right now or at all. She knew she liked her, but she was no where near ready for her current thoughts. They were on another level, a mysterious one Gail was not sure she even wanted to touch.
"Is everything all right?" Holly's question took Gail out of her thoughts and back into reality. She realized she was still staring intensely at Holly when the other woman bit her bottom lip nervously. Gail shook off the earlier image and focused on the person in front of her.
"Everything is fine. I just wanted to talk." She smiled reassuringly at Holly. "Hence the text."
Holly's eyes widened slightly at the reminder. Her hands immediately went into her bag. They rustled around some before emerging empty. She gave Gail a guilty little smile, which Gail thought looked all kinds of adorable. God, Gail thought, when did words like adorable become a part of her daily vernacular? The answer was obviously standing before her. Yep, it was all Holly's fault.
"So maybe I left my phone under the counter in the bakery?" Holly shrugged shyly. "I'm so sorry. Usually I check it like madman. But last night I was so busy cramming that I didn't even think to-"
"No problem." Gail waved away Holly's explanation. "I'm just glad you are not upset."
The lines in Holly's brow returned. "Why would you think I was upset?"
Gail shrugged. "You seemed upset this morning."
"Oh." Holly quickly turned away from Gail. Her hands went back inside her bag. At first glance, her actions seemed dismissive, saying there was nothing wrong worry about. But Gail knew Holly better than that. And though she had only uttered one small exclamation, it was enough.
"Holly," Gail spoke to her back. When she did not look up or acknowledge Gail in any way, Gail felt a new chill that had nothing to do with the weather.
"That was not an 'I'm not upset' oh that you just gave me. That was an 'so you noticed' oh."
Holly pulled a set a keys out of her bag, dangling like a woman hoping to distract a child.
"It's cold out here. Let's get somewhere warm." She deflected Gail's statement by opening the bakery's door. Gail knew exactly what Holly was doing. But she was right. It was cold outside.
Holly opened the door and immediately started searching for lights.
"I can't believe I left my phone." She threw Gail an awkward smile and went straight for the thermostat. Gail waited patiently as Holly adjusted it and listened quietly as Holly kept talking.
"It's usually my third arm. But I have this killer exam soon. 40 questions. Essay answers. Who does that to people? And how does one even come up with that many essay questions for the endocrine system? Who would want to read more than three dozen students take on it? I love this stuff and I wouldn't want to be anywhere near those papers. Maybe she is just testing use to see if our adrenal medullas are functioning properly." Holly paused to chuckle. Gail used the opportunity to pounce.
"Were you upset this morning?"
Holly mouth in the open position a second before she slowly closed it. Holly grew silent as she made her way to the commercial stove. Gail took a seat at the counter, not wanting to lose sight of her. Holly's eyes irritatedly stayed on the ovens as she pretended to mull over an answer.
"Technically we are talking about yesterday morning. It's well pass midnight. Have you even slept?"
Gail rolled her eyes at the new attempt to deflect. It was so unlike Holly. This time she did not let it stand.
"No, I haven't. So believe me when I say I can only take so much of this dodgeball technique, lunchbox."
Holly sighed wearily. She knew she was busted. What Gail did not understand was why Holly felt busted about anything. Why did she not want to talk about it? So far they talked about everything. And while on the surface these conversations sounded like something Gail would hate, the truth was the cadet was beginning to depend on them. Holy had become the only person Gail allowed herself to truly talk to, with no pretense and no fear of repercussions.
She rarely talked about anything of substance with anyone. She always got the feeling that no one would care. But with Holly it was different. Gail was allowed to be different. She did not have to pretend she either always cared or, in her case, never cared. She could take an interest without the threat of embarrassment or worry over a show of perceived weakness.
Gail's eyes fell upon Holly and she was amazed that this person was in her life, a person that actually wanted to know her and she wanted to get to know. Gail swallowed the tender emotions creeping up from inside her and meet Holly's eyes.
"I made squadron leader yesterday."
That was not what she had wanted to say at all. Earlier, yes. But not now. That did not stop her from enjoying watching Holly's eyes light up with pride and joy for her. She gave Gail a magical smile, surely created to take away any dark thoughts or feelings from the receiver. It worked like a charm. Gail never considered more lucky than she did in that moment.
"Oh, Gail. Congratulations." Holly's voice matched the brilliance of her smile. Gail was starting to feel a little overwhelmed by it. "Of course they would pick you. You are a natural... Wait."
Holly paused. Her head tilted a bit. "Are you excited?"
"Yeah," Gail said shyly, unused to euphoric praise Holly directed towards her. No one had ever been this happy for her. Gail did not even consider it a real achievement until now. Before it felt more like a burden. But now she remembered being asked and having the officers look at her proudly. It was an accomplishment.
"Usually it's something for the seniors. I don't know why I was chosen, but I will lead a squad in the annual inspection, and when we drill in front of the stiffs. We start practicing later today." Gail let out a deep breath and with it concerns she had been holding in all day. "I can't screw this up Holly."
Holly's smile morphed into a look of surprise at Gail's words. Gail knew the pressure was showing on her face but she was too tired to hide it. Luckily, she was with Holly so sharing her insecurities was not as big of a scare. And as always, Holly was right there with the right words.
"You won't, Gail. Are you kidding me?! You are going to Gail Peck it."
And that's good?" Gail smirked, not all together sure.
"I think that's perfect." Holly returned a smile so bright, so filled with humor and adoration Gail wanted to lose herself in it. She just stared. She was definitely not perfect. But it was nice to be overestimated for once. When Holly's bright smile suddenly drifted away, Gail missed it immediately.
"You should be resting, Gail." Holly glared at her as if she was examining her. "You are hours away from what you have already described to me as an important occasion. Gail, do you have any idea how the brain reacts when it's not well rested?"
Gail shook her head stubbornly under the hawk eyes of stern Holly. Gail was there on a mission and she would complete it.
"I'm not leaving until you talk to me." Gail leaned into the counter and closer to her. "Why are you upset?"
She waited. Silence filled the room, interrupted only by the soft hum of the kitchen equipment. Finally Holly broke.
"Gail, I wasn't upset. I was..." Holly withered, lost in what Gail could only guess was this morning's feelings. "I like you. Everyday I like you more... And I... It's nothing really. I just reacted badly to your date."
Gail sat back as if she was dodging a direct hit to the face.
"What date?"
"With Nick." Holly looked at her as if she had grown two heads. It was fine. Gail looked at Holly like she was sporting four faces.
"Holly, I'm not dating Nicholas."
"You are going to a ball together?" The derision in her voice made it a tad huskier. Gail responded with a roll of her eyes.
"That's not a date."
"Okay." Holly said sarcastically. "He dresses up. He picks you up. He deals with your parents. Then you two go out. What would you call that?"
"An obligation." Gail said firmly. She was not dating Nick. Holly had to know that. It became paramount to Gail that Holly knew that.
"The ball is not a date. We are required to attend it. Nick and I decided after the first one not to force the misery on anyone else. I go with him for that reason alone."
Holly looked at Gail, eyebrows raised high, her lips in a thin crooked line. Gail could read the skepticism. A wild thought struck her, an impossibly wild thought.
"Did you want to go?!" Gail nearly yelled she was so shocked by the ridiculous thought. She waited for Holly's answer. Holly who was looking at everything else in the room except her. She said nothing, but Gail had her answer.
"You want to go." She said awed. Holly looked up and shrugged.
"I guess so. I don't know. It might have been nice to be invited. To be by your side."
"I didn't think... I... Uhh..." Gail sat still, gathering her thoughts. "It's such a bore, Holly."
"So is a symposium, Gail." Holly smiled as she gently reminded Gail of their first outing.
Gail would have never expected in a million years that Holly wanted to attend the ball. No one wanted to go. Everyone she had ever dated or even befriended had never even questioned why she never brought it up. But Holly wanted to be there, by her side. The last three words did a funny little thing to Gail's heart.
"Honestly, Holly?"
"Gail, you don't have to explain."
"But I do. If you think it is a date, then I do." Gail let at out a ragged breath as she figured out where to begin. She went for the truth.
"It's not that I didn't think to ask you..." Gail started. Holly gave a wiry smile.
"Okay. I didn't think to ask you." Gail corrected. "But that's only because the ball is a part of this world I like to leave behind when I am here. In that world... I can't explain it... It's just full of obligations and expectation and disappointments. But here it's different." Gail paused. She let her inner monologue take over.
"Holly, you are like a spark in the darkness for me. You know? You're shade under the harsh light. I come here. I come to you, and the real world doesn't seem as bad. It feels far away from my world. And I just wanted it to stay that way. I didn't want to share you. You are my spark. You're mine."
Gail glanced at the counter, unsure about what she had just revealed. She really did not want to let it be known how much Holly meant to her. But if this was the only way, then so be it. She could see Holly rest her hands on the counter and lean in.
"You consider me yours?" The sweetness in Holly's question drew Gail's eyes up to hers. She took in the tender smile and felt her muscles loosen and the strain leave.
"Not in the weird stalkerish way..." Gail mumbled. "Even though me standing in the dark waiting for you does seem strange. Especially when you didn't get my texts."
"If it's strange, it's good kind of strange." Holly quickly reassured Gail. Her smile grew. "I've never been anyone's spark before. Or their shade. If this place is your sanctuary, I don't want to tamper with it."
"And if you are my sanctuary..." Gail asked in next to a whisper.
"If I am your sanctuary," one of Holly's hands found Gail's. She gave it a gentle squeeze. "Then know wherever we are, if we are here or in *your* world, that you are safe with me. Okay?"
Gail nodded with a small smile of her own. "Okay."
Holly's smile smoothened out as the two women looked at each other. Holly's thumb drew little circles on Gail's skin. Gail did not know how she did it. She always brought them back to this. Where everything felt perfect, felt right. Gail wondered if what she gave Holly was worth even a tenth of what Holly gave her. Probably not. Gail could think of nothing she had, not one trait, that could ever come close to Holly's awesomeness. Gail had finally met someone cooler than her.
"You should come." Gail, one again, let her command slip without thinking. But the more she thought about it the more she meant.
She said it again with more confidence, "You should come."
Holly leaned back, at a lost.
"Where exactly am I coming?"
"To the ball." Gail jumped up. The words rushing through her mind and out her lips at a speed so unlike her.
"Like I said it's boring. But with you, it won't suck. I'd have to wear my uniform since I won't be there as Nick's companion. But you like my uniform." Gail grinned as Holly's eyes twinkled at the reminder.
"My family will be there but you've already met the worst of them. And it's public so they will be on their best behavior anyway. I may have to make a stupid speech but that's only if I win. You should come!" Gail yelped suddenly excited. "Do you want to come?"
"I would love to," Holly said, though her answering warm expression was all Gail really needed.
"It's settled then." Gail shuffled her feet, needing to move. "You can pick me up at seven. I'll send you my address." Gail gave her one last smile and headed for the door. She turned back to the watching waitress as she opened the glass door.
"And Stewart, sexy it up for me. "
Holly chuckled. "I'll try to make you proud."
Gail shrugged, her joy nearly too much to contain. "Who am I kidding? You could come in your nerd gear; and you'd still be the hottest nerd in the room."
"Thanks. I guess." Holly muttered at the unique compliment. Gail let the door close as she marched back to Holly. She grabbed her hands and looked at her sincerely.
"Thank you."
"For what?" Holly whispered as she stared back at Gail.
"I don't know. I just feel like I should thank you."
Both women stopped, letting the words sink in. But even more than that, they let the feeling of being together settle on them like a comforter protecting them from the chill of the outside world.
"Okay." Holly nodded. "Then you are welcome Gail. You are always welcome."
Gail felt a flurry of euphoria surround her as she left the bakery. It was like a warm breeze tickling her senses. She never expected this. Never knew it even existed. But now that she had it, Gail felt fortunate enough to be thankful.
She got into the cadet bug and felt the warm breeze surrounding her turned frigid as a cold certainty creeped in. It was swift but unmistakable. She had just invited Holly into her world. Gail knew with absolute confidence that she may have just ruined everything. A visit into her world was not a positive. She already knew she had nothing of worth to offer Holly. This was not like Nick or any of the others, where she was obviously the superior partner. Holly would see how the real Gail pushed people away. The real Gail always seemed to disappoint. The real Gail would be a waste of her time and awesomeness. She would lose her amazing Holly to her world.
Gail wanted to rush into the bakery and tell Holly she had changed her mind. She wanted to beg her not to come to the ball. Then she looked into the bakery's window and saw a blissfully happy Holly working. She knew it was too late. She started the car and pulled out of the parking lot. A dark cloud hovered over her. For her, it was always too late.
