Katniss thought she would be relieved to finally leave the Capitol. But she felt like she had knots in her stomach, like it was an end. Whatever would happen next, Peeta wouldn't be here, and she was afraid of being alone. Of course, Prim and her mother would be there. She wouldn't be alone at home, but they couldn't understand what she had been through.

Who would help her with her nightmares ? Haymitch ? The idea could be funny if it wasn't so truthful. As a victor, she wouldn't have to go to school anymore. She wouldn't have to hunt anymore. She wouldn't be able to hunt anymore, with her missing hand. Who would help her not feeling desperate when she would have nothing to keep her mind busy ? Definitely not Gale. He would work in the mine every day and hunt on Sunday. He had a family to feed, he wouldn't have time to waste with her. Anyway, he was probably hating her now, with all the "star-crossed lovers" stuff.

And the baker, what would she tell him ? What would she tell Peeta's family ? How could she stand before them, after what she had done ? How could she endure their reproachful eyes on her after she had murdered their son ? Peeta had saved her life when they were younger, by giving her the burned bread. Since then, her debt had never stopped increasing. And how had she thanked him ? She had killed him, like she had killed Cato and this boy from District One. How could the baker's family forgive her after that ?

But maybe they were already all dead ? The baker and his wife, and Peeta's brothers, dead. Gale, dead. Her mother, dead. Prim, dead. All dead. Maybe that was what Haymitch meant when he had allowed Cinna to give the pin back to her, saying it didn't matter anymore ? President Snow had already won, Katniss had read it in his eyes. But maybe he thought it was better to give her a reminder ?

Katniss wanted this train ride to last forever. She was too terrified to see what waited for her in District Twelve. She had a shower, thinking the hot water would relax her a little, but she was wrong. She couldn't stay in her room where she was so lonely. In the silence, images from the arena wouldn't stop to flash in her mind. And when she was in the living room, it wasn't better. Even if there were only Effie sitting at the mahogany table, working on the next schedule, and Haymitch resting on the sofa, Katniss felt oppressed, as if in the middle of a crowd.

So when the train stopped to refuel, she was glad to go out, to feel the wind on her face, in her hair. She didn't know where they were because there was nothing for miles in each direction. She sat down in the dust, watching the few clouds passing in a clear blue sky.

"Wanted to breathe some fresh air, sweetheart ?"

"Hey Haymitch." Katniss said while he sat down next to her.

"What are you doing here ?"

"Nothing much… Trying to escape the images in my mind…" Her good hand was tracing patterns in the dust. "Can I ask you something ?"

"Do I have a choice ?" he answered with a sigh.

"No. How do you cope with… the nightmares ?" Haymitch chuckled with a rictus.

"Why, obviously I don't ! Don't you forget ? I've been drunk the last twenty-four years !" The two of them shared a laugh.

"Yea… But these days, I noticed you weren't drunk. So, no nightmares anymore ?"

"Oh no, they're still there, every night." he sighed. "But maybe finally bringing someone home has a good influence on me…"

Wow, what was happening ? Haymitch was talking about himself ? As if he trusted her, as if they were… friends ? Sober Haymitch was weird.

"So, you still see the arena ? Every night ?"

"Hum… No, not every night. Sometimes I also see the faces of the kids I brought to death… Their eyes full of despair as they know they're doomed… You'll see, in a few years. That's what awaits you."

Ok, that was becoming creepy. But at least, now she was sure that Haymitch was like her. Maybe they would really become friends, after all. Maybe he was the only one she could trust.

"Can I ask you something ?" Katniss said after a moment.

"Again ?" he replied, falsely irritated.

"Yesterday, for the interview," she began, ignoring his comment. "Cinna gave me my mockingjay pin. He told that you said it didn't matter anymore. What did you mean ?" Haymitch ran his hand through his hair, not looking at her.

"Well, you saw that look in the President's eyes. He has won. You're not a threat for him anymore. Whatever he has decided, a pin won't change that now."

"Are they… Are they all… dead already ?" She was already regretting her question, knowing the answer wasn't going to reassure her. Haymitch sighed and put an arm around her shoulders. Katniss startled. She wasn't used to being touched, except for her family and Peeta. But Haymitch's arm was surprisingly comforting, protective. More and more strange.

"We'll see soon enough, sweetheart…" he answered in a hush voice. "I won't lie to you. I won't tell you everything is fine. Maybe everything's fine. But yea, maybe they're all dead…"

They stayed here for a while, both seated in the dust, Haymitch's arm around Katniss. Finally, Haymitch got up and put his hands in his pockets.

"C'mon, girl. The train will soon leave."

"Wait !" Katniss called. "I was wondering, maybe you know, what did Effie mean yesterday ? When she said she wasn't heartless ?" Haymitch looked at the train before answering and kicked a stone.

"You know, Eff's not as stupid as you think…" He finally said, looking at the sky. "She's just like me. Every year, she watches two kids die, and there's nothing she can do about it. At least, I can drink to make it easier. Eff… has to keep smiling. You should respect her for that."

Then he bolted to the train without looking at her, as if he had just said something awkward. Katniss followed him as she heard the train horn announcing the imminent departure. She was quite troubled. This talk with Haymitch hadn't explained much. But she had realized how lonely and sad he was. And Effie… Katniss didn't know that Effie had that in her. She had always thought this exuberant woman was enjoying herself. But maybe she was only playing the game too, after all. Maybe she really was part of the team.