The next day at school starts off miserable. Clyde obviously isn't ready to talk because he's been avoiding me all morning. By lunchtime, even Token seemed concerned.

"Did you guys have another fight?" he asks, folding the corners of his napkin and wiping up an unknown liquid from the cafeteria table. "I thought things were going alright with you two."

I shrug, "It's complicated."

"Yeah I guess so. I think he even skipped lunch, or at least went out. I don't see him anywhere in here."

"I don't care" I say, focusing on my food.

This is the last thing I want to talk about right now. I think Token gets the hint, because he drops the subject.

"Hey, so I'm having a party this weekend. My parents are going out of town and it'd be cool if you came," he offers. "I'm trying to keep it on the down low so that not all the jackasses from our class show up."

"Maybe," I say thoughtfully. "The past couple parties I've been to haven't exactly turned out well for me."

"I know, but this one should be a little more controlled. You know I don't like have random weirdos in my house."

I chuckle, "Good luck with that, you know how fast word spreads around here."

"So don't tell anyone, problem solved," he jokes.

I force a smile and say, "You know I can keep my mouth shut."

"True," Token agrees. "You've never been much of a talker."

Clyde is the one that can't seem to keep his mouth shut, but I don't mention that. I don't want to shove him under the bus and stir the pot.

After a few minutes, Nichole joins us.

"Hi, guys!"

She sits down next to her boyfriend and they share a lovey-dovey look. Clyde would never look at me that way. I can't even picture it in my head, the idea is too foreign.

I guess it would be nice, though. It would be nice to be looked at like that. Then I'd actually feel like I was desired.

"Hey, Nichole," I greet her somewhat flatly.

"What's got your pants in a bunch?" she asks.

"The usual," I say vaguely.

She gives me a sympathetic smile. "Want me to talk to Clyde? Maybe he'll listen to a girl."

I snort at that. "Don't fuckin' bother."

Nichole looks irritated, but not offended. Good. The last thing I need is Token on my case too.

"So, you gonna come or not? I want to know how much alcohol I need to get."

"I'll be there," I say disdainfully. In all honesty, drinking at a party full of kids from our school is probably the last thing on earth I want to do, but it might do me some good to get out of the house because of something other than Clyde.

"Try not to be such a sourpuss," Nichole teases, and I just roll my eyes.

Leave it to Token to find the most sickeningly sweet girl in our entire county. As much as I want Clyde and I to at least get along, I'm not sure I could handle someone as nice as Nichole. I'd walk all over them. Someone like Nichole and I wouldn't make it through our first week.

But then again, me and Clyde aren't doing so hot either.

I finally dig into my book bag and pull out some food. I take a few bites before realizing I don't feel all that hungry. It's probably my nerves getting to me again.

I should probably try and patch things up with Clyde, but I don't want to make the first move. I hate making the first move, especially when I don't feel like I did anything wrong.

"What are you thinking about?" Nichole asks out of the blue. "I can pretty much hear the gears grinding in your head."

I shrug. "Where's Clyde?"

"I haven't seen him since first period," she says before glancing at Token.

"Same," he says.

I let out a groan. He's being such a fucking baby. If he keeps avoiding me like this, the entire school is going to know we're fighting.

"I can text him if you want," Token offers, whipping out his phone. "Hold on just a second…There."

"Thanks," I say somewhat hesitantly.

"You two are so cute," Nichole interjects. "I hope everything works out. Wendy, Bebe, and I think it's great."

"Yeah?" I ask, "Even Bebe?"

"Bebe is beyond thrilled! She told me she was there that first night and that she thought it was going to turn out to be a huge mess, but that she was so stoked when she finally heard from Clyde that you guys were seeing each other!"

I nod uneasily, "He told Bebe?"

It's news to me that he's willingly told anyone.

"Yeah, like right away I think," Nichole confirms.

"Here!" Token says suddenly, "He's at the cafe across the street if you're still looking for him."

"Yeah, I think I will," I start loading my lunch back into my bag, "I'll see you guys later."

I wander off and leave the cafeteria, slowly making my way out of the school and across the street.

I'm more than surprised that he told Bebe and I'm more than surprised that she is actually happy about it.

But maybe he just did it to try and make her jealous? Clearly that didn't work. Maybe the only reason Bebe is happy about it is because this means Clyde won't be longing for her anymore.

Okay, here I go again… thinking in circles. I need to stop being such a jealous, clingy baby. I need to have more faith in people.

When I get to the café, I push open the doors and head inside. I glance around, trying to find Clyde and eventually I spot a head of familiar hair in the corner of the cafe. I make my way towards him and then sit across.

"Hey," I say, deciding to be the first to speak.

"Hey," he echoes.

There's a latte sitting in front of him and he's stirring it with a stir stick, staring down into the liquid.

"So…" I start, trailing off.

"I'm not ready to talk about it," Clyde jumps in, "and you said to let you know when I was ready. Well, I'm not."

"I know," I reply quietly. "I'm sorry that I was so demanding about that."

He eyes me warily, "Really?"

"Yeah," I admit, "You're right, we've only been dating for a couple weeks. I should probably try to take things more slowly than that."

Clyde smiles, giving me a slightly triumphant look up and down.

"Look, it's not that I don't ever want to talk about—" he pauses, lowering his voice to a whisper, "You know, doing you. It's also not that I don't like you or don't think you're hot. This is just a lot all at once."

"I know it is," I say sheepishly, "I'm sorry I was being pushy."

"You were being sooooooo pushy," he laughs, "Like, more so than usual and that's saying something."

I grit my teeth. "Don't."

He holds up his hands and snickers. "Sorry, sorry."

"I don't want to rush things, either," I tell him offhandedly. "I guess I just tend to forget that these feelings are new to you… and they're not necessarily new to me. I've felt this way for a while… So, I just feel like by now I'm more of an open book than you are."

"I'll talk eventually," he says.

"I know," I relent. "I'll stop pushing until then."

"Promise?" he asks.

"Yes, I promise," I say.

"You also gotta stop being so insecure," he adds.

I grit my teeth again, trying to keep calm and not explode at him in the middle of the café. "Okay, fine, but that's not really something I can change in the blink of an eye. All I can do is try not to jump to all kinds of conclusions."

"You're so paranoid," he mumbles. "Why is that?"

"Because, as we've established many times, I'm very insecure," I say somewhat tersely. I hate admitting this shit out loud, but if I want Clyde to open up with me then I need to show him that I'm totally willing to open up with him… which I am. I've been pretty open this entire time.

Clyde nods knowingly, as if he actually has any fucking clue what I'm talking about.

"Thanks for apologizing though." He smiles, taking a bite of what I'm guessing is a chocolate chip muffin. "It means a lot."

"Sure." I shrug nonchalantly.

"Let's get back to the school," Clyde says, finishing his food. "I'm sick of sitting as far away from you as possible."

"Me too. God." I get up from the table. "Even Token was wondering what the fuck was going on with you."

"Did you tell him?"

"Of course I fucking didn't. He doesn't need to know about all that."

Clyde chuckles, "Yeah…"

"I heard that you told Bebe though," I interject, "About us being together at least."

Clyde slings his backpack up over his shoulder, "Yeah, I told her right away. Normally the first person I would tell would be you… but, you know. It just felt safe going to her."

I nod my head. That much is understandable. They have a pretty long history.

We exit the café and make our way back to school in time for the bell. Together, we head to our next class. We find Token in the back and we join him. He offers us weary smiles. He's probably glad to see that we patched things up. I know that he doesn't really enjoy having to play the mediator.

"No more trouble in paradise?" he asks.

"We're fine," I insist.

Class starts when the teacher walks in and everyone falls silent. I take out my note book and pretend to pay attention, but it's so fucking boring. I seriously hate school so much. I wish I could drop out, but at this point I may as well finish.

"Craig, pay attention!" the teacher snaps at me when I start to daze off.

I let out an impatient mumble and sit up straight. Clyde is snickering next to me, so I nudge him in the arm. "Sh."

Looking back to the front of the classroom, I notice out of the corner of my eye that Jason is peering over his shoulder at us.

I click my tongue against the roof of my mouth. What does this asshole want?

Turning in my seat, I make direct eye contact, scowling to let him know that I've noticed.

Jason doesn't react, but instead puckers his lips, making several low kissing sounds at me.

I glance back at Clyde, who hasn't noticed. Thank god.

Looking back to Jason, he's advanced to flicking his tongue up and down.

I scrunch up my nose and give him a disgusted look, but I can feel my face getting hot. Fuck. I hate that he knows how to get a rise out of me. I guess that's what I get for being friends with the asshole for so long. I wish that I could just turn around and act like it doesn't bother me, but my white-as-a-sheet complexion doesn't really allow that.

I want to shout at him, but I can't really do that without drawing mad attention to myself. So, I stick up my middle finger and OF COURSE the idiot teacher has to choose now to look back at me.

"CRAIG, JASON!" she growls at us. "Get out of my damn classroom!"

God, I wish Jason would fucking die!

"For fuck's sake!" I snap back, grabbing my shit and storming out. I try to shuffle down the hall as fast as I can, but I know Jason is about to catch up.

The teacher probably wants me to head to the principal's office, but fuck that. So, instead, I head to the bathroom. I lock myself in the last stall and pull out a cigarette. Yeah, it's pretty dumb to smoke in school, but I haven't been caught doing it yet.

I light the cigarette and inhale, trying to calm my nerves. If Jason follows me in here I'm going to fucking scream.

When I finish my cigarette, I flush it down the toilet. I don't know if you're supposed to do that or not, but I don't really give a fuck.

I exit the bathroom, headed down the hall to go get my shit and head home, but as soon as I turn the corner I see Jason circling my locker like a fucking vulture.

"What the fuck man?" I shout, walking directly up to him.

"Hey gaybo," he says nonchalantly. "Did I get you a little too riled up back there? My bad, man, my bad."

"You're fucking gross!" I spit out, walking past him and up to my locker.

"Aw don't be so sensitive." He follows, leaning up again the wall next to me. "Hey, so I've been wondering—if you're such a huge pussy and you want to fuck dudes, that makes you the girl, right? I mean, obviously Clyde is the man, but I figured I should ask."

"Fuck off, Jason," I say warningly.

"But I also can't figure out why if you were going to fuck dudes and be so whiny like a chick, why you wouldn't just want to be a girl. You want to be a girl, huh?" Jason sneers.

For a moment I just stare at him, unsure where to go from here. How the hell do I respond to something like that? It's so offensive on so many levels and there's so much anger and hatred in his voice it's unsettling me. Like, Jesus Christ! I want to lurch forward and beat the crap out of him, but he's stronger than me. If I hit him, he'd hit me back ten times as hard and I'd probably end up on the floor crying.

"Jason," I murmur, shaking with anger, "Not only are you being transphobic, but you've just proven to have no idea what it means to be gay. So, hey, maybe YOU'RE gay, Jason. Maybe you have a little crush on me and that's why you won't fuck off?"

His jaw drops to the floor. "What!?" he growls, visibly disgusted by my accusation.

I pop my locker open and start shoveling my books into my bag.

"Oh, did I strike a nerve?" I ask, egging him on. "I mean, you were making all those obscene gestures at me. Careful. I might take you up on your offer."

"Watch it, Tucker."

He's eyeing me dangerously, and I can tell he's gearing up to take a swing at me.

"On second thought, I have a boyfriend, but thanks for considering me to be your first!" I laugh, taking several steps backward and away from him, "I'm honored."

"Shut your fucking mouth—" he starts, but I don't get to hear the rest of what he says because I start booking it down the hall.

I'm pretty sure I know where that was going but I wasn't about to stick around and find out.

I bust out the front door of the school and head towards home, looking over my shoulder once I reach the corner to see if Jason followed me. He didn't.

.

.

The following day, school is pretty much the same. After class, Clyde invites me over. We do a little bit of studying in his room before we decide to take a break. We're sitting side-by-side on his bed and an array of text books are laid out in front of our line of vision.

"What do you want to do now?" he asks.

I shrug.

Well, I know exactly what I want to do, but I'm not going to say it. I'm not going to push. I'm not going to make the first move.

"Do you think I'm attractive?" I wonder out of the blue.

"Yeah, of course," he says. "I'd have to be blind to think otherwise. Sorry if I don't say it enough."

"It's fine," I respond.

And, almost as if he's reading my mind, he tilts his head and leans forward. He pecks me on the lips once and then twice and then a third time before drawing away.

"You're hot, okay?" he says.

"Okay," I say back.

"Everyone knows you're hot."

"I'm glad that the general school populous thinks so," I joke.

Clyde doesn't laugh. He's watching me intently but still managing to avoid eye contact, and it's making me a little uncomfortable.

"Are you…okay?" I ask awkwardly, shifting forward on the bed.

"I'm fine," he responds.

But then Clyde reaches out and puts his hand on my thigh, sending a shiver up my spine.

"Hey," I say apprehensively, "We don't have to do anything. I know you're not ready yet—"

"I'm ready," he spits out, still looking down, "You were right with what you said before."

"About what?"

"That it's going to happen at some point, and I trust you, so I don't know why it wouldn't happen now."

Clyde is blushing so intensely it's making me embarrassed just looking at him.

"O-okay," I mutter. "I trust you too."

So, I guess this is it. After years of me wondering who I'd end up doing it with and when… It's going to happen now and with Clyde. It doesn't feel quite real. It just feels so unceremonious.

Clyde tugs on the hem of my shirt and I lift my arms, letting him remove it. He tosses it onto the floor and then I do the same to him.

When we're both bare-chested, Clyde leans forward again. I reach for his zipper as we tongue, fumbling with the button before undoing his jeans. I touch him the way I'd touch myself at first, but it's still completely unfamiliar because I'm not alone in my room – I'm here doing this with another person.

I feel him go hard in my hand and then I pull away before deciding to go down on him. For a second, I just stare at his erection.

He's bigger than I am and I doubt I'll be able to fit it all in my mouth, so I'm not going to bother trying. I'm inexperienced… and I don't really know what the fuck I'm doing.

Slowly, I lean forward. I lick a slow strip up the shaft, smearing it with saliva before closing my eyes. I feel my brows furrow as I try to concentrate on doing what is hopefully at least a somewhat okay job.

It's supposed to be messy, right?

I'm embarrassed, but the thought of him watching me do this is kind of a turn on.

I feel Clyde shudder and let out a breath. I take that as encouragement. I swirl my tongue around the tip and jerk him off, trying to build some sort of steady pleasurable rhythm. I take him in as deep as I can put my free hand on his hip.

"Fuck," I hear him whisper hoarsely.

His breath quickens momentarily as he gasps and, without warning, I feel his jizz shoot down the back of my throat. I cringe, but I don't gag or choke or spit it out. I just forcefully swallow. It's not a pleasant taste, but it's tolerable.

I hollow my cheeks and pull away with a quiet pop sound, wiping the saliva from my mouth before looking up.

Clyde lets out what I at first think is a muffled laugh, but turns out to be a restrained sob.

"What the fuck, are you okay?" I shoot up next to him, abandoning all hope of the favor being returned and cupping his face with one hand, running the other through his hair.

"I'm fine, I'm fine!" he insists, wiping frantically at his face, but the tears don't stop leaking out.

"Did I do something wrong? Did I hurt you?" I ask. "What happened?"

"Nothing happened!" he says again, between stifled snivels.

I get up from the bed and grab both our shirts, tossing Clyde's over his lap.

"Then what the FUCK is going on?" I spit, struggling to pull my own shirt over my head.

I shouldn't be mad, but what the hell. Who the fuck starts crying after their first blowjob and then insists that everything's fine and dandy.

"Put your clothes back on and tell me what the hell is happening."

"Nothing!" Clyde swears, "I just got overwhelmed!"

"By what? By me? By this?" I gesture back and forth between us and then pause. "..Are you not okay with this?"

"Stop it!" he shouts, bursting into tears again. "It was just a lot! I wasn't ready!"

"What the fuck do you mean you weren't ready? Why the hell didn't you tell me to stop?"

"I'm sorry! I just didn't!"

"Well that's great, that's fucking awesome Clyde," I hiss.

"I don't know what I want!" he yells back at me.

Then it clicks for me. There's no way he's upset because of bad timing.

"You didn't want to have sex with me at all, did you?" I say accusingly.

"What?" Clyde looks surprised, or at least tries to. Really he just looks guilty.

"That's totally what this is, isn't it!?" I roar. "You didn't want to have sex because it would make this all too real for you! Because then you'd really be gay! But you don't actually like me like that, do you? You've just been manipulating me this whole time! Haven't you?"

He doesn't respond.

"Haven't you?" I demand.

Clyde looks at me sheepishly for a moment wiping at his eyes and muttering a quiet "No…"

That's it's. I'm fucking done. Enough is enough. This is over.

"I'm breaking up with you." I say suddenly. "I don't think we were ever really dating to begin with."

He raises a hand to swipe at his eyes and I can't even feel sorry for him because I'm too fucking angry and humiliated and betrayed.

How could he fucking do this to me?

And most importantly… why?

This is so, so, so fucked up.

"Wait –" Clyde tries to protest, choking out the word.

"No! Fuck you, Clyde!" I shout with finality before collecting my things and leaving as fast as I can.

Fuck this, fuck this, fuck this.

When I'm outside, I lift my book bag over my shoulder and let out a shuddery sigh. My breath comes out in a puff of white smoke in the frigid outdoor temperature.

"Damn it…" I whisper weakly to myself. This isn't what I wanted. My chest is literally aching.

I force myself to walk home and I have to try so fucking hard not to start crying along the way.

This is fucking unbelievable.

I open the door to my house just as the tears start streaming down my face. I hear someone shuffling around in the living room, but I really don't feel like having to explain myself right now so I hurry up the stairs and into my room. I don't even want my family to know I'm home right now.

Why would he do that? Why the fuck would he do that?

I feel sick to my stomach. How could somebody I liked so much for so long do something like this to me?

I was just starting to get over him. Of course he reeled me back in. He probably thought he was going to lose me forever. This is exactly what he tried to do to Bebe when they broke up. Me hanging out with Kenny was like me dumping him.

He can be so fucking selfish with the people in his life.

He shouldn't have tried to force this. He should have just left me alone. Then I'd probably be with Kenny right now. I wonder if being with him would have been any easier than this…

Maybe.

Maybe not.

Maybe I'm just really unlucky.

Either way, I guess it doesn't matter now. I fucked it up with Kenny. I did it for Clyde because I thought it'd be better than this. I actually saw a fucking future with him.

Now I just feel like an idiot.

I step out of my boots, setting them by my door before removing my coat. I toss it in my closet and then I sit on my bed, trying to contemplate what I should do next.

I sniffle loudly, unceremoniously wiping my nose on my sleeve before getting my phone out of my pocket. I scroll through my contact list, stopping when I see Token's name. Then I press dial.

Ring, ring, ring… and finally –

"Hello?" Token's familiar voice greets.

"Hey," I respond wetly.

"Hey man, you alright?" he asks, quickly picking up on the tone of my voice.

"Can I come over?" I manage to muster, "I need someone to talk to."

Normally I would talk to Clyde. Not anymore.

"Yeah, totally."

Token is probably surprised, the last time I specifically went to him for help was when Clyde was out of town in the summer of freshman year.

"I'll come pick you up. I'll be there in 10," he tells me, hanging up the phone.

I sit on my bed flipping through Facebook on my phone in an attempt to distract myself until Token arrives. Thank god Clyde and I never made our relationship Facebook official—that would have sucked to take down.

Soon, I get a text from Token telling me he's here. Token never knocks, he always just has us come out. Something about not wanting to bother our families.

I put my shoes and coat back on before quietly leaving the house. I get in the passenger's seat of Token's car. The ride to his house is quiet. He doesn't ask any questions. He just waits.

I have no idea how to even bring it up. I'm dreading how people are going to react.

I probably look like a hot mess. My eyes are probably puffy and red still, but I doubt the waterworks are over yet. I still feel like total shit. I don't really know how a thing like this will get better for me.

Soon, we pull into Token's driveway and we head inside.

Token lives in the richest part of town with his mom and his dad. Their house is really huge. As soon as we step inside, there's a big chandelier hanging over our heads.

I haven't been here in a while. I feel like Clyde has been taking up most of my attention, but not even in a good way.

"Want a drink or anything?" Token asks me, playing the part of the host.

"No, I'm fine," I murmur.

"Okay," he says. "Let's head up to my room."

He nods for me to follow him and the two of us head upstairs.

"So what's up man?" he asks me, sitting down in his desk chair and rolling towards the foot of the bed where I am.

"Clyde and I broke up," I say, staring down at my hands.

"Really?" he asks, but he doesn't look the least bit surprised. "I thought you two were doing fine yesterday."

"I thought so, too."

"You gonna be okay?" He sounds concerned. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"He told me he was ready to bone—" I say tersely. "So, we fucking did and everything went to shit from there."

Now Token looks surprised.

"You and Clyde had sex?" He pauses. "Wow. I didn't think you were at that point yet."

"Me neither really! But he said he was into it—he even initiated it! So I just went for it!" I spit, "Everything seemed fine to me and he seemed totally into it, and the next thing you know I have his fucking dick in my mouth and he just like, bursts into fucking tears!"

Token makes an 'o' shape with his mouth before pressing his lips firmly together and frowning. He looks contemplative. "Do you think he was trying to force it?"

"I guess," I murmur. "Sex is a big step. Maybe he thought he could just force it and get it over with or something. Clearly he didn't really want to do it to begin with. He just felt like he had to. I think he just wanted to shut me up and make it seem like he was putting effort into our relationship or something… I don't fucking know."

Token lets out a sigh. "Jeez, what a guy…"

"Christ," I moan, putting my face in my hands and moaning some more. When I raise my head, I admit, "I'm so fucking humiliated… I can't believe he let me do that to him!"

Token nods his head along to what I'm saying, letting me know he's listening. When I'm quiet, he says, "Sorry, man. That's some rough shit."

"Honestly… it's more than obvious to me now that he never liked me to begin with," I mutter, glancing to the side. "I feel so fucking stupid… and I'm so fucking angry…"

"That's understandable," Token sympathizes. "He messed up and that was wrong of him."

"I feel like I literally assaulted him!" I whisper in a hiss. "It's so fucked up!"

Token shakes his head. "Don't let yourself feel that way. You can't. It'll drive you crazy with guilt. Sure, maybe you were pushy at times, but from where I'm standing it didn't seem like you were pushing him to be an asshole. You weren't pushing for sex. You were pushing because you didn't feel like Clyde wanted you, right?"

"Right," I whisper.

"And I guess that's why he wanted to prove it in a stupid way. Clyde went for it. He made a choice. So did you. If you knew what he was feeling, you never would have went for it. Now this is just something you'll both have to live with."

"I don't think we can fix it, though," I say. "It's ruined. Everything is ruined."

"Not everything," Token reasons gently.

"Ten years of friendship just went down the shitter," I argue. "It's fucking ruined."

Token smiles wearily. "Just give it some time."

"Ugh, I want to throw up," I say, wringing my fingers through my hair.

"Listen," Token says sternly, "I'll talk to him. I usually try to stay out of your shit but I don't mind intervening here because you guys obviously need help—"

I don't like the idea of Token having to mediate my relationships, but at this point I don't see any other options. There's no way that I can talk to Clyde on my own, and even if I did I don't think he would be honest with me.

"Do you mind if I talk to Bebe about this?" he finishes.

"Bebe?" I scrunch up my nose, "I would rather you didn't."

"I just think if she and I talked to Clyde together we might get a more honest answer, or maybe even just her."

I shrug, "I feel like she's just going to use this to get back together with him, or rub it all in my face or something."

"Bebe really isn't like that at all," Token insists. "She and Clyde have been broken up for forever and there have been a lot of opportunities for them to get back together. It's not like you were the only thing keeping them from throwing themselves at each other."

"I know that," I grumble, "I just—dude I just don't want her to know, okay? Do you think it was the right thing for me to do to break up with him like that? I mean—like right after?" I ask, wringing my hands together.

"I don't know," Token admits. "It sounds like the whole thing really freaked you out. Do you wish you hadn't dumped him now?"

"No, I mean, fuck him. I'm just worried. I don't fucking know."

"Craig, relax, I'll call him right now. Okay?" Token reassures me, pulling his phone out of his pants pocket.

I sigh and slump forward, feeling pathetic and stupid. I feel like I'll probably regret this forever. My first sexual experience and it was shit.

Token holds up a finger and then steps out of the room. He stands in the hallway, but I can still hear everything. He probably just doesn't want me getting defensive and shouting anything into the receiver.

After a few short moments –

"Hey, man, it's me," he starts. "Yeah, Craig is here. Uh-huh, he told me something like that."

I can practically hear Clyde's panicked voice coming from the other end of the line. It makes me feel even guiltier, though I wish it wouldn't. I don't want to feel this way, it fucking hurts.

"How are you feeling now?" Token asks Clyde. "Is there anything you want me to say to Craig?"

He probably won't say. He'll keep it in because he's embarrassed or whatever.

God, this is so fucked up.

I'm so jittery. I feel so anxious and I'm still kind of nauseous. I try to take deep breaths and zone out. I don't even want to hear the conversation Token is having with Clyde anymore.

How are we going to fix this? It seems fucking impossible at this point.

"Okay—yeah. I'll talk to you later." I hear Token say as he re-enters the room and hangs up the phone. I straighten my back, eyeing him warily as he sits down on the bed next to me.

"So, Clyde sounds fine. He just said he was worried about you and that he was glad you're with me."

I stare at him is disbelief. "That's it? He's fine?"

Token shrugs, "Well, I mean, he's okay. He sounded riled up just like you. He said he was sorry and wanted me to put you on the phone, but I said I would tell you to call him after I had the chance to talk to you."

"I don't want to call him." I spit out.

"I figured, but you probably should. This shit isn't going to fix itself."

"He totally fucked with me," I say tersely, feeling the anger rise in my chest "He should be groveling at my feet if he wants to talk. He thought that if he fucking lied to me about wanting to have sex—I mean, I don't even fucking know what he was thinking! Why did he do that? Does he not realize what sort of position that puts me in!? I was trying to be so careful not to pressure him and then this fucking happens!"

"Craig," Token interrupts me, "I don't think what he did was intentional."

"But he wasn't trying not to! He wasn't trying to be honest with me! And now—I mean—what the fuck!? Did I just rape my best friend?" I bury my head in my hands, "What the actual fuck Token? What does this fucking make me?"

"I really don't think Clyde feels that way about it Craig, but you need to ask him, not me," he says sternly.

I let out a breath, trying to calm myself down but I feel too unpleasantly overwhelmed.

"I don't know what to do or say," I murmur the confession.

"Don't think about it," Token says t me. "When you're with him, it'll all come out. Just give it a minute. You guys are best friends and you can work through this. I mean, think about all the shit you guys have been through together."

I know he's trying to comfort me, but I don't think that's possible right now.

I sniffle a bit, but I don't cry. I can't keep acting like such a fucking baby.

Token lets out a sigh, patting my shoulder. "Look, I know you feel bad, but this IS going to be okay. You'll look back on this someday and it won't sting."

I let out a scoff. "Yeah, right…"

"Let loose a bit this weekend," Token suggests. "This thing with Clyde is a tough situation, but you can't make yourself crazy over it. That won't do any good for either of you."

"Yeah," I mumble.