Summary: Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!
Disclaimer: Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.
Queen's Quornor: Seph's gonna kill me for this one... But really, why hasn't anybody thought of this bit before? One would think it would be oh-so-obvious! And yes, I got the key-card-pick trick from Resident Evil. I figure that sneaky Zack picked it up from sneaking back into the apartment levels with Reno after getting locked out during a night of boozing. Free access to Sephiroth's apartment! WOOT!!! No, not that kind of access! I don't buy the whole Seph/Zack pairing at all.
Seventeen Hours STRAIGHT?????
"Have you gone by Sephiroth's apartment lately? The noise is unbelievable!"
"Whoever's in there with him must be making him reeeeaaaal happy."
"How long has he been in there? I passed by this morning on my way to the gym and he was still going at it!"
"It's 8 now. I heard him start up after I got back from the bar last night, so... Holy shit! Seventeen hours straight!"
"Fuck! And I thought I had stamina!"
"I don't know who to feel more envious of: him or the girl!"
"Feel sorry for the girl. She's not going to be able to walk for awhile, methinks."
Zack passed the gossiping Second Classes with an eyeroll. It was true that he hadn't seen Sephiroth all day, which was extremely out-of-character for him. Even when he was wasn't feeling well, the General always showed up at his office. He had never used a sick day in his entire career. Not once!
And now he had missed a full day of work, including at least two separate meetings. This was beyond bizzare, especially for Sephiroth.
Upon reaching the apartment his friend occupied, Zack came to understand why the Second Classes had been snickering. It sounded like a full-blown orgy was going on behind the metal door.
Thing was, the only voice he was picking up was that of his missing commander.
Guess if there Is a girl in there, she's gotta be half-dead by now, Zack thought, producing A thin metal rod and poking it into the card-key reader. Applying pressure to certain spots inside the slide resulted in the door to Sephiroth's apartment hissing open, and the noise increased slightly as he stepped inside, closing the door behind him.
Now... Where would you find a moaning, groaning General? he mused, looking around the immaculate furnishings of the quarters. He had been inside his friend's apartment before, so he knew the layout fairly well. Bedroom first. If he isn't there, he's way kinkier than I would have ever guessed.
The bedroom was empty. In fact, it didn't look as if Sephiroth had set foot in the gothic-style room at all last night. Everything looked as if it had been carefully arranged, but not touched.
Besides, it sounded like the noise was coming from the bathroom anyway.
Cautiously, Zack approached the door and knocked on it, a little lighter than he normally would have. The noise continued unabated. "Seph?" He was answered by yet another ear-splitting groan. "Hey Seph, it's Zack. Can you come out of there for a moment?"
The noise ceased, at last. Now he could hear the shower running. Sex in the shower?
"Zack? What are you doing in my apartment?"
"Came to check on you. You missed work today, and I got worried."
Silence, save for the shower. "What time is it?"
"Nearly 8:30. How long have you been in there?"
"Far too long, Zack. Far too long." The shower shut off and was replaced by soft cussing. Zack thought he heard his superior say "Never again on a work day..." but he couldn't be sure. He took a step back as the door opened.
Sephiroth, a towel wrapped around his middle and dripping water from his hair, came out and sat on a chair to the side of his night-table. He looked up at his second-in-command from beneath the fallen, sodden mass of his bangs. "Seventeen hours? Why didn't you come get me?"
"I wasn't aware that you needed fetching." Zack peered into the bathroom, confused to see that there was no one else in there. "So where's the girl?"
Now Sephiroth looked confused. "What girl?"
"Well, you don't like boys. Ergo, it had to have been a girl making you scream like that. So where is she?"
Cat-green eyes stared at him for a moment, then closed as their owner leaned back in his chair and howled with laughter. And this wasn't Sephiroth's normal soft, deep chuckling. This was honest-to-Holy, full-bellied laughter. Zack's jaw dropped as he stared at his silver-haired friend; he had never, ever heard Sephiroth actually laugh. Has he completely lost it?
"Is that...what you...think?" the older man gasped between laughs. "That I had...a woman...in there...with me?"
"Isn't that what was making you yell?" the black-haired SOLDIER asked, totally confused. "If it was your hand, I would love to know what you know that I don't!"
"No, it wasn't anything sexual." Sephiroth finally quieted and sat back up, a mirthful twinkle still in his mako-green eyes. "Want to see what it was?"
"Damn right I do!"
Sephiroth got up and disappeared into the bathroom, returning a moment later with two bottles in his hands. He offered them to Zack. "These are what was making me 'yell,' as you put it."
Zack took the bottles gingerly, almost afraid of what they could possibly be. Then he turned them over in his hands...
And just stared, jaw flat on the floor.
"Christine on the 49th floor introduced me to it. Supposed to be the best there is for your hair." He grinned, crossing his arms over his muscular, water-slicked chest. "What she failed to mention is that it is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, the most pleasureable experience I have ever had."
Zack was still staring at the bottles.
"Herbal... Essences..." he muttered dazedly.
"That's their name," Sephiroth confirmed.
"You spent the entire night and day in here...just using shampoo and conditioner..."
"Yes."
Zack turned to leave, taking the bottles with him.
"Where are you taking those?" the general inquired, arching one silver brow.
"First of all, I'm confiscating these. Never letting you near the shampoo aisle ever again. Second of all..." He flashed a grin over his shoulder as the door to the apartment slid shut behind him.
"I wanna try 'em out for myself."
