Sherlock is lost in thought. I am surprised. I honestly thought he would immediately jump in and try to defend himself. Instead he blinked, a lot, and then turned his head. I am wondering if he has fallen asleep when he stirs. His eyes focus on mine.
"You are not Janine. I admit that I have used compliments to get your help. But I do care about you and I do trust you. Even if you never helped me with another case I would still want you in my life, and not just for the kissing." he gives a little smirk and continues "As for Janine, I have no defense. I didn't think of her feelings. I thought only of how to achieve my goal." his response comes in clipped and measured words. "I am aware that I have the capacity to be Moriarty. Thank you for bringing this particular likeness to my attention."
"You aren't Moriarty." I exclaim. And it's only when I say the words out loud that I feel the truth of them. "Please, Sherlock. Don't ever think you are Moriarty." I see in his eyes that he wants to believe me. "I just felt so unsure and I wanted you to understand that…its just…I am sorry I brought it up." He shakes his head.
"No. I want you to tell me when I go too far. I need you to tell me. I can't always see it. Promise you will always be honest and tell me." he looks at me with an intensity that I recognize from a dark night in St. Barts.
"Ok. I promise. " I say solemnly. He clasps my hand.
"Thank You. Molly Hooper." I smile. And almost without thinking I stand and lean forward. Murmuring "You're welcome" before placing a kiss on his cheek. As I pull away he moves forward and captures my lips. His hand snaking to the back of my neck; holding me in place. I respond enthusiastically my tongue caressing his bottom lip. My hands exploring the expanse of his bare chest. He breathes in sharply with pain and I pull back.
"Sorry are you okay?" He smiles through gritted teeth.
"Some things are worth a little pain." he says. I laugh.
"Yes. I guess they are." I reply and place a gentle kiss on his forehead. I pull away and look into his eyes, my hand gently brushing his curls away.
I feel doubt fall away. Sherlock isn't Jim. But I know he isn't Tom either, whatever the future holds it is not going to be an easy journey. Loving him is going to be painful but like he said, some things are worth the pain.
As I stare into her eyes I feel that magnetic pull that I felt at St. Barts and I wonder where it comes from. I almost ask her if she feels it too but she sits down and the moment is broken. A wave of pain overtakes me for a moment. I grimace and Molly jumps to my morphine drip.
"Sherlock. This is practically turned off!" She moves to turn it up but I put a restraining hand on her.
"No. I need to think clearly."
"Why?" she asks. I look at her and I know that I can give her this secret. She will keep it safe and will help me figure the best way to handle the situation.
I tell her all about Mary and the few things I have deduced. I express how badly I want to tell John and how Mary has forbidden it. I try not to bring up my worry that Mary may still kill me. She is shocked but, in true Molly fashion, she focuses on the problem at hand. Asking questions and clarifying any misconceptions. Together we come up with a plan. Molly stresses the need to break the news gently, to show John rather than tell him. I insist that I need to break out of the hospital to force the confrontation. Molly informs me that I can't use her flat as a bolt hole; Mary knows about it. This makes me realize Mary has probably talked to Anderson. Luring her to Leinster Gardens seems the best way to make her overconfident. As we discuss everything I will do Molly worries about my health. She stands up and grabs my chart. As she flips through it she makes the little clicking noises that means she isn't satisfied with the lab results. I feel a wave of affection as I watch her.
"Sherlock. Did you say she shot you from only a few feet away?"
"Yes. Why?"
"Well. Either she is a really good shot or a really bad shot. I mean she shot you in the torso but managed to avoid any major organs. The only way she could have done less damage would be to shoot your arms or legs. I mean if she wanted you dead, why didn't she just shoot you in the head or the heart?"
My mind fires rapidly and I can't believe I didn't think about this sooner.
"Molly. You beautiful genius." I say and she giggles. Suddenly I am reassessing my assumptions and adjusting my plan. Molly is still absorbed in my chart and so hardly notices my retreat into my mind palace. As I think about John and Mary I can't help but wonder if their marriage will survive the revelations of this night. I remember John telling me about love. The memory is fuzzy but I can hear his words clearly.
"…you love someone when you can't imagine your life without her in it. When you think more about her happiness then about your own. Because when she is happy you are happy"
This must be how John feels about Mary and I can't help but compare it to my feelings for Molly. When I return to the room Molly is once again sitting in the chair. The sun has moved and I realize she has spent most of the afternoon with me.
"Hello again." she says
"Hello." I reply
"Do you have everything sorted?" she asks. I nod.
"Good." she smiles. "I need to get to work. I will head to Baker Street and move John's chair."
"Don't forget the perfume." I remind her.
"I know. I know Clare-de-la-lune. But you better pay me back. That stuff is expensive." she checks her watch "I'll check up on you tomorrow. Don't overdo it tonight and try to be gentle with John." she stands. "Try and get some sleep."
I don't want her to leave. Unchecked my hand reaches out and grabs her arm.
"Wait." I say. She sits back down and looks at me curiously. My mouth is suddenly dry and I consider just letting her go. Then I hear Mother's voice
"…don't be scared. Let yourself love her back."
My heart monitor fills the silence with it's rapid beeping. With a deep breath I begin
"Molly. I can't be entirely sure, it's not really my area. But there is a strong probability, that is…" I rub my hand through my hair and look into her expectant eyes. "You are an infuriating contradiction; equal parts steel and softness. Every time I think I have you figured out you surprise me. It's annoying. You yell at me and slap me and make me feel like an idiot. I don't understand why you have this effect on me. You are not especially beautiful. Your lips and breasts are too small by most standards. Although beauty is a construct based entirely on childhood ideals so why consult the standards?" I am on the edge of babbling. I stop and take a moment to compose my thoughts. Molly waits.
"You are extremely intelligent but you seem almost ashamed by it. You care so much and so deeply and it frightens me. I have learned to mistrust people and emotions but you embrace them, even the difficult ones. I trust you with my life. And I know you can't entirely trust me but I want to prove to you that you can." I grab her hand.
"You have buried yourself deep into my subconscious." I say emphatically. She lets out a low chuckle which causes me to loose my thoughts.
"What?"
"Nothing. Nothing. Continue." she says trying and failing to drop her smile. My eyes narrow.
"Molly I insist you tell me what is so funny."
"It's just. Janine…well she told me that you say my name in your sleep." I don't know what shocks me more, that Molly has been talking to Janine about me or that I say Molly's name in my sleep. The idea of the two women talking about me is deeply mortifying.
"What? Why would she? Clearly she is lying. Just another one of her revenge top-ups." I know I sound like a spoiled child but I can't help it.
"John also said you asked for me after surgery." Now Molly isn't even trying to hide her smile.
"Wait. I asked for you and you still didn't visit me?" I ask feeling a little hurt.
"I did visit! We had a whole conversation! Although, you might have just been talking in your sleep. But it seemed like you were talking to me. I couldn't really be sure." she scrunches her forehead in thought. Vaguely I recall talking with Molly a couple times but I can't be positive which conversation was with the actual Molly.
"It is possible I was talking to you. Well, my mind palace version of you." I explain.
"You talk to me in your mind palace?" she asks quietly. Normally I would deny and backpedal but something has changed between us. I feel the importance of being truthful with Molly even if the truth makes me vulnerable.
"Yes. Molly Hooper, you are a key figure in my mind palace. When I was shot you helped me. You walked me through the shock and pain. When I was waking up from surgery you were there to talk me through the confusion. When I needed help with John and Mary I immediately thought of you." I pause when I see the shine in her eyes. I worry that I have shared too much but I am unwilling to turn back now.
"This dependence frightens me but I find I don't want it to change. I want you in my head. I want you in my life. I would like to try and make you happy."
I watch as tears fall down her face and I hope they are not tears of sadness. I reach out and pull her close to me. Looking into her eyes so she will know I mean every word of the next sentence. I want to say that I love her but the words won't come. I feel panic. But before I can asses why, Molly takes advantage of my silence and gently kisses me. Her tears transfer to my cheeks and mingle with our lips. Maybe I can't say the words but I feel the truth of them in every part of me. Eventually I will say them and until then I will just have to show her. I deepen the kiss with a new determination.
I feel waves of pain and happiness and fear and I am positive the drugs have nothing to do with any of it.
Well...hope you enjoyed it. I know he didn't say it but he will...someday. And actions speak louder than words anyway!
It might have felt out of place but I really thought that showing Molly helping Sherlock with John and Mary was important. It shows how much he needs her. Sherlock handled revealing Mary very well. It was almost kind the way he did it. There is no way he didn't have help from someone more empathetic.
Leave a review if you liked it. Or leave one if you didn't, cause I like intelligent feedback! I have had a great time writing this one. Hope to see some of you again on the next story!
