The rain pounded against the Lumberjug. Only ten minutes had passed since Dipper ran outside, but it felt like hours. All the guests sat in the lounge, each picking a spot conspicuously apart from everyone else. Tension bubbled between the quick glances and wary silences. They all had questions, but they were all too afraid to voice them.
Where did Mabel go?
Am I sitting in the room with the person who took her?
What if I'm next?
Gideon and Pacifica stood in front of everyone as the only people who hadn't witnessed Mabel's disappearance. "Okay," Gideon said. "Someone run me and Paz through what happened during the séance."
No one made a move to speak up. At first. Then after a few seconds of silence, the room erupted with noise.
"It wasn't me!"
"Mabel was sitting next to Dipper and then the lights went out!"
"I wasn't sitting near Mabel!"
"I was sitting near Mabel, but I didn't do it!"
Pacifica whistled. The shrill sound pierced through the shouts and cries, silencing the room once again. "Clearly a lot happened," she said with an overwhelmed sigh. Everyone's eyes were on her, waiting for direction. "Um... can you guys tell us one at a time?"
"We're wasting time," Dipper said, his bangs covering his birthmark. He had made an attempt to smooth his hair back down, but without hair gel, it was a hopeless cause. "We need to call the police!"
The word police got Preston jumping up toward the door. "Now let's not get too hasty! There's no need to call the police just yet!"
"You don't get to decide that!" Dipper snapped back. He stood up, but Stan's firm hand grabbed his shoulder, sitting him back down.
"I can't believe I'm saying this, but I agree with Mr. Plaid here," Stan said.
Dipper physically recoiled from his great uncle. "Are you serious!?"
"Look, I'm worried about Mabel too. Let's be honest, Dipper here isn't capable of a one-man show." Dipper scowled - whether out of regret or jealousy Pacifica couldn't tell. "But the police complicate things. Always do. So I say we look around, see if Mabel's not off catching butterflies somewhere, then we call them."
"Not to mention the police will sanction off this entire area. I can get much better material without them around," Shandra said. Heads turned toward her, shock and disgust plain on their faces. "What? A good reporter's always doing her job. Especially during emotional crises."
Trying to bring the conversation back to the crime at hand, Gideon said, "Look, we're going to figure this out."
"Yeah, let the kids figure it out! They look like they got brains." Stan squinted at Gideon and Pacifica. "Well, maybe the short one does. Not so sure about Blondie."
"If that was a blonde joke, I'm ignoring it," Pacifica said tersely.
"How do we know you weren't involved in Mabel's disappearance?" Shandra questioned Gideon and Pacifica.
"Oh dudes!" Soos said. "What if this is like one of those detective stories where the detective questions all the suspects but then the detective turns out to be the culprit?"
Whispers rippled through the lounge speculating on Soos and Shandra's suggestions. Pacifica couldn't believe how fast everyone had considered it. Then again, Gideon and Pacifica both had reasonable motives.
But so did everyone else.
"Dipper ran outside to us right after the disappearance. There wouldn't have been enough time for us make Mabel disappear, store her away somewhere, run around to the front of the house, and then come in and talk to everyone," Pacifica explained as calmly as she could. It was the truth, but she couldn't stop her legs from shaking.
"Also, those detective stories are really overdone!" Gideon added.
That seemed to calm everyone down for the moment. However, only a few seconds later, the questions started back up again. "If we aren't going to call the police, what are we going to do?" Reverend McGucket asked.
"Are we gonna have to give statements?" Wendy said, sliding to the edge of her seat. Robbie gave her a look, and she relaxed a little bit.
Gideon said, "We're going to..." but trailed off when seeing the expectant faces of the other guests. He pulled Pacifica to a corner of the lounge. "What the heck are we supposed to do!?"
"You read Betty Jupiter, not me! I'm making this up as I go along," Pacifica whispered.
What would Betty Jupiter do? She'd probably find a secret passageway in the Lumberjug that would lead to an underground bunker containing a lost will or priceless heirloom. And somewhere along the way she'd confront the culprit and chase him down. Of course, Gideon didn't know who the culprit was, and he was pretty sure the Lumberjug had no underground bunkers. Maybe they should just start with the scene of the crime.
"We should take a look at the dining room. That was where Mabel disappeared," Gideon said.
"Works for me." Gideon and Pacifica faced the guests again. "Can we see the, uh... crime scene?" Pacifica said. Referring to her dining room as a crime scene felt weird. Crime scenes were dark alleys and seedy motels. Not the place where she'd dumped a bowl of spaghetti on her head and chased her parents around the table.
When no one volunteered, Dipper stepped forward. "Fine. Let's get this over with."
The three kids walked solemnly into the dining room. Gideon flipped the light switch on, casting the dining room in unnatural brightness compared to the dim candlelight from earlier. The room looked exactly as the guests had left it. Chairs had been overturned, and the silverware was all over the place. The bowl of tomato soup had also tipped over. Gideon knew the bright red stain on the table was just the soup, but his mind still went to grislier scenarios.
"This is it," Dipper said as if giving a tour of the house instead of showing a crime scene. "This is where it... happened."
Gideon and Pacifica began investigating the dining room. Gideon examined every inch of the room. Pacifica went more quickly, knowing how to spot anything that looked off in her own house. She got to the chair Mabel sat in. It had been pushed back like Mabel had stood up before her disappearance.
She asked Dipper, "Would anyone have moved Mabel's chair?"
Dipper shrugged. He'd stayed near the door with his arms crossed. Something about that blank expression on his face put Pacifica off. Even his smallest movements were disjointed like he didn't have complete control over his body.
Gideon noticed too. He did feel some sympathy for Dipper, even with past circumstances in mind. Still, Dipper was so composed. If it were Pacifica, Gideon would be running around the Lumberjug yelling at anyone who'd listen. Gideon hesitantly approached Dipper and said, "You know, it's okay to be a little emotional."
"Being emotional isn't going to find Mabel," Dipper said coldly.
Gideon backed away. Dipper wasn't exactly the most expressive person in Gravity Falls, but his demeanor was unnerving. Without Mabel, Dipper seemed disconnected. One half that didn't know how to function without the other. Gideon couldn't help but feel sorry for him.
He looked over at Pacifica who was inspecting the soup stain. If she'd heard the exchange between Dipper and Gideon, she didn't show it.
After a few minutes of awkward silence, Dipper said, "If you don't need me, I'm going back to the lounge." As Dipper's hand closed around the doorknob, Gideon motioned for Pacifica to say something. She mouthed a confused What? and Gideon pointed to Dipper.
"Hey Dipper." She put a hand on his shoulder out of instinct. Her mom did the same thing whenever Pacifica was upset. "We'll find Mabel."
Dipper's already stiff frame tensed even more at human touch, causing Pacifica to draw her hand back. He looked back at her briefly but long enough for Pacifica to see the worry lines around his eyes. "You'd better."
Typical. The one time Pacifica tried to be nice, and Dipper brushed her off. As she watched Dipper go, she thought about what could possibly be going on in his head? She didn't expect him to fall at her feet with praises, but a simple Thank you would have been nice. She shouldn't have expected so much from the boy who threw knives at her.
Pacifica shut the door behind her. "Okay, Detective Gideon," she said. "What do you think happened here?"
"Well, Detective Paz... I don't know. Who would want Mabel to disappear?" Gideon wondered.
Pacifica scoffed. "Who wouldn't?"
Gideon thought about it more. The Telepathy Twins had only been in town for a week. Was that even enough time for someone to develop a grudge against Mabel? Who would have a reason to hate her anyways? When the spotlight was on Mabel, she behaved perfectly. Gideon and Pacifica were the only townspeople who knew what she was really like when the lights switched off.
At least that's what Gideon had assumed. What if someone else in Gravity Falls had figured out the Telepathy Twins weren't all that they seemed? Pacifica knew the people of Gravity Falls better than he did. "Can you think of anyone here tonight who'd gain something from Mabel disappearing?"
"Shandra," Pacifica said almost instantly. "One time, she 'accidentally' knocked over a crate of circus termites during Pioneer Day. She wouldn't be above kidnapping if she could get a good story."
"Anyone else?"
Pacifica furrowed her brow. "I guess anyone who'd want bad business for the Lumberjug. So Lazy Susan, Reverend McGucket... Wendy doesn't actively want that but she'd get a kick out of the Lumberjug shutting down. And knowing Robbie, he'd go along with it even if he didn't agree with her."
"And Dipper doesn't like you either!" Gideon said.
"No kidding," Pacifica muttered. "I don't think we're narrowing our suspect list down."
"Darn it, you're right." Gideon looked around the dining room. "I'm not even sure where could someone have taken Mabel from here."
There were two doors in the dining room: one to the foyer and one to the kitchen. Coincidentally, the backdoor was in the kitchen. That seemed like the more likely exit given Pacifica and Gideon were out in the front. Gideon walked toward the door to the kitchen but stopped when he heard a strange noise coming from under the table.
"Paz, do you hear that?" he said. Pacifica listened. It was a scratch, scratch sound, barely audible but definitely in the room.
Gideon and Pacifica quietly crouched down in front of the table. They looked back and forth at each other to the mysterious scratching noise. Gideon nodded to Pacifica.
She threw the tablecloth back revealing... a squirrel. A fluffy, harmless squirrel.
"...Is this supposed to be a clue?" Gideon said.
The squirrel scurried to a corner of the dining room. "I'll get a broom," Pacifica said.
Had Dipper and Mabel summoned a squirrel instead of ghost? The idea made Gideon chuckle- although remembering Mabel was missing quickly made him stop. Broom in hand, Pacifica came in and said, "There were two more squirrels in the kitchen. How weird is that?"
Weird indeed. Gideon said, "I think we should start interrogating the witnesses."
"You mean the guests?"
"It sounds cooler if we call them witnesses!" Gideon insisted. "Maybe we can figure out what happened during the séance if we hear what happened."
"Got it," Pacifica said. "Mabel's gotta be somewhere in Gravity Falls."
The question was where. Soos had been right about one thing: this was shaping up to be a good old-fashioned detective story. There was one missing person. Ten suspects. Two detectives. The only problem was the detectives had no idea what they were doing.
Gideon and Pacifica herded everyone out into the foyer then fashioned a makeshift interrogation room out of the lounge. Strangely enough, they encountered another squirrel while moving the furniture around. This one was nestled against the window. After shooing the squirrel outside, Gideon and Pacifica brought in their first suspect.
Dipper sat in front of a coffee table with a lamp shining directly in his eyes. The lamp was Gideon's idea. Gideon stood beside Pacifica with a notebook. Pacifica sat directly across from Dipper, a steely-eyed look of determination on her face. "Okay, Dipper, if that even is your real name-"
"It's not," he said.
Gideon jotted Secret identity? under Dipper's suspect page.
"What were you doing at the time of the disappearance?" Pacifica said.
And so the interrogations began. Gideon and Pacifica had a prepared set of questions for each suspect. Going through the questions, a haphazard narrative began to form.
Dipper stated, "After Gideon's... outburst, Mabel and I settled on summoning the lumberjack that got struck by lightning..."
"...Of course I told them about the lumberjack!" Preston said after Pacifica chewed him out. "What's a séance without a spirit? Our reputation would be ruined if this dinner party was bad. Or worse: dull. After that..."
"...We all held hands again," Priscilla said, twirling a stray lock of hair. "Of course, you two weren't there, so our circle was a bit awkward. Do you kids want snacks? I can make you snacks!"
Several minutes later, Gideon and Pacifica continued the interrogation, now munching on peanut brittle. They brought Robbie in. "When the lights started flickering, I thought it was all part of the act. Oh, and I was holding hands with Wendy. Did I mention that?"
"I was holding hands with Robbie. I mentioned that, right?" Wendy said. Gideon wrote down Important? "So yeah. Mabel looked nervous. Like she's never looked that nervous, especially when she's performing. And Lazy Susan had come in from the bar..."
"...I was curious. Not like we were bustling with customers," Lazy Susan said. "I didn't see anything anyways. The kids' grandfather looked shady though..."
"...All I'm saying is, if I were gonna make someone disappear, I wouldn't do it like this!" Stan said. "Too many witnesses. Sure, I could kidnap Mabel for ransom, but I'm already making money off her! It's probably all part of her and Dipper's act..."
"...This was not planned," Dipper said. "When the lights went out, I felt Mabel's hand get wrenched out of mine. She screamed, and then..."
"...Mabel screamed. I think Dipper screamed too," Robbie said. "It was hard to tell which person was who since they were both really hitch-pitched. There was this vibrating on the floor, like an earthquake or something..."
"...There was a strange vibration," McGucket mused. "Now I don't condone forays into the supernatural, so I was off to the side. I watched the Pines twins conduct the séance..."
"...And McGucket was like weirdly focused on the séance," Wendy said. "You'd think he saw a ghost! I wish we'd seen a ghost..."
"...The lights weren't even out very long," Lazy Susan said. "I don't know what it is about darkness that gets everyone so spooked. It couldn't have been more than thirty seconds..."
"...The lights were out for at least five minutes!" Shandra said. "If I could have had my camera with me, I might have been able to catch the disappearance. Luckily, I've written everything down for my story-"
"Question," Gideon interrupted. "Do you like squirrels?"
"They're rats with bushy tails," Shandra replied. "Can we get back to my story? I was thinking about how the power outage would add some spice to my article..."
"...You can't prove anything!" Soos slammed his fist on the table with a wild look in his eyes. "I'm innocent! Innocent!"
Gideon and Pacifica exchanged baffled looks. "Soos, we don't think you did anything," Gideon said.
Soos laughed. "Sorry, I've always wanted to do that! I guess I'm supposed to give a statement now? Okay, the lights came back on and at first everything was normal..."
"...I saw Mabel was gone," McGucket said. "You know Preston didn't seem particularly surprised..."
"...I thought it was all part of the act!" Preston said. "They do magic tricks! Disappearing is a magic trick..."
"...First of all, they're not tricks, they're illusions," Dipper said. "Anyone who tells you otherwise is an amateur. And Mabel disappearing was not an illusion..."
"...Then her twin brother ran out," Priscilla said. "He looked very upset..."
"...I didn't know Dipper could show real emotion until now," Wendy said. "Of course, he could be faking it..."
"...Dipper doesn't have the chops to pull off acting that well!" Stan said. "No offense to the boy, but Mabel's the one naturally inclined to show business. The twin thing just helps sell tickets. Say, do you kids wanna buy..."
"...This is just like a crime novel I'm writing," Shandra said. "Only in my novel the main character's a young underappreciated reporter..."
"...So if you guys can't find out who did it are we gonna call the police?" Robbie said. "Cause I don't know if my parents are comfortable with me being questioned without a lawyer..."
"...I could really go for a churro right now," Soos said. "Is it cool if I..."
"...And that's why I don't trust mayonnaise!" Priscilla said. When Gideon and Pacifica didn't respond, she said. "So how's the investigation going?"
They looked at each other and groaned.
Leaving the guests to their own devices, Gideon and Pacifica convened in the bar for some privacy. "So who do you think did it?" Pacifica asked.
"I think..." Gideon said. Pacifica waited expectantly for an answer and a neat explanation that would solve everything. Gideon buckled. "I don't know! I thought if we talked to everyone, we'd just know who did it!"
"I thought so too, but no one's stories matched up." Pacifica took a swig of grape juice from a whiskey glass. "Oh my god, what if they all did it?"
Gideon didn't think so, but as far as he knew, Pacifica's theory could be right. "Maybe we should just call the police. How are we supposed to find Mabel? We don't have... you hear that?"
They both heard the sound of paws scratching against wood. Pacifica leaned over the counter and saw yet another squirrel grabbing cashews from a jar.
"Again with the squirrels!" Pacifica said. "Maybe we should call an exterminator."
"Hold on..." Gideon hopped up and went back into the dining room. They'd found a squirrel under the table right around where Mabel and Dipper sat. Gideon grabbed an empty soup can and placed it in the same area.
Where else had they seen squirrels? Gideon scooped up more soup cans, and began going through the entire Lumberjug. Anywhere they'd seen a squirrel, Gideon put down a soup can. The fireplace, the counter in the bar, the big window in the lounge... Gideon placed soup can after soup can, his brow furrowed in concentration.
Pacifica trailed behind him. "Uh, Gideon? You gonna fill me in on your soup parade?"
"Look," Gideon said.
Pacifica retraced the soup cans. Funny how they lined up - if she took a sharpie to the floor, it would be like connecting the dots. Wait a minute. "These soup cans form a path!"
"Exactly! And the one last place we saw a squirrel was..." Gideon dramatically threw open the kitchen door and set down the last soup can. "The back door!"
"Eureka!" Pacifica fist-pumped the air. "Now what does it mean?"
That was where Gideon was stumped. The excessive squirrel sightings were definitely an anomaly, but why would an army of squirrels take Mabel? Was that even plausible? Gideon checked the journal: no mention of supernatural squirrels. With no other leads, he pushed open the back door. His eyes widened.
"I think we need to follow the squirrels," Gideon said.
"Follow the huh?" Pacifica looked out the back door. "Oh."
More squirrels were scattered outside the Lumberjug, forming a jagged line into the woods. The squirrels idly cavorted with each other. There was nothing outright threatening about them, and Gideon wasn't sure they even had the brainpower to kidnap Mabel. But it was the only real lead they had. The woods sat the edge of the Northwests lot for anyone who dared enter.
"Looks like we're going back out in the woods," Gideon said. Why couldn't they go somewhere nice and well-lit for once, like a pool or convenience store?
"Wait." Pacifica ran out of the kitchen. A few minutes later, she came back with the banjo from Shop Thrift. "Just in case."
"In case what!? Mabel's been kidnapped by hillbillies?" Gideon said skeptically.
"Say what you will, but I've got a good feeling about this banjo." Pacifica slung the banjo across her back. "Now let's go follow some squirrels."
Into the woods they went. The storm had passed, and the woods smelled fresh of rainfall. Gideon and Pacifica's shoes squelched against the muddy grass. They stayed close to each other; even the tiniest gust of wind kept them on edge. The squirrels served as Gideon and Pacifica's trail of breadcrumbs. Hopefully a witch's house didn't await them at the end.
Gideon forgot that when weren't out to kill him, they could be… pleasant. Wherever these squirrels were leading them, they were surrounded by whimsical toadstools and wildflowers. If the squirrels burst into song, he wouldn't be surprised.
Adding to the charm, the trees began to arch around Gideon and Pacifica. They formed a strange otherworldly tunnel. Even if the squirrel path had petered out, they had no choice to but to go this way.
They had to be close to something. Whether it was something good or bad, Gideon didn't know. Any minute now- he stopped in his tracks. "Do you hear someone?"
Pacifica heard two someones. They were speaking in heated tones with no concern about volume. Unless Gravity Falls had secret talking squirrels, the voices ruled out any less humanoid creatures could be involved in Mabel's disappearance. Gideon and Pacifica inched closer.
"-we made a deal!"
"No dice! Not until we have our queen!"
That first voice sounded familiar. Gideon looked to Pacifica to see if she had the same thought. Locking eyes with him, Pacifica confirmed it: that squeaky puberty voice had to be Dipper's. The second voice was still a mystery. It sounded male and possibly older than Dipper.
But why was Dipper out in the woods? Was he looking for Mabel on his own... or was he involved in her disappearance?
They'd have to get closer to find out. Gideon walked forward, but Pacifica caught him by his vest. She put a finger to her lips and pointed to the side of the trees. Gideon wanted to kick himself; no smart detective would approach a suspicious area directly. They tiptoed into the trees, letting the branches hit them. Too much movement in the trees and whoever was talking might hear them.
After a small trek uphill, the trees started to open up. Gideon and Pacifica crouched behind some toadstools. They peered down into a clearing. Two figures stood there. The first voice did indeed belong to Dipper. "I promised you a queen, didn't I?" he said to a small man standing on top of a tree stump.
"Am I crazy or is Dipper talking to a decorative lawn gnome?" Pacifica whispered.
He did look like a lawn decoration- this was Gravity Falls. He probably was a gnome. Gideon consulted the journal. A few page turns later, he found it. "That is a gnome! We must be in Gnome Man's Land!"
"Keep your voice down! This is no time for puns!" Pacifica said.
Suddenly, Dipper turned to their direction. Gideon and Pacifica ducked down. "Did you hear something?"
"If I did, it sure as heck wasn't wedding vows!" the little gnome said emphatically. His face was as red as his hat. Instead of angry though, he looked adorable.
A few seconds passed, and Dipper relaxed. He continued. "Jeff, I told you this is a delicate situation. If I don't handle this with extreme precision, then your queen won't come. And you don't want that any more than I do."
"Of course not!" the gnome called Jeff said. Odd name for a gnome, Pacifica thought. "But when you said you had a replacement for your sister, I didn't think it would take this long!"
Gideon and Pacifica held back gasps. Pacifica had a horrible feeling about who that, "replacement" was supposed to be.
"I just want to make sure Mabel's all right," Dipper said.
"You get your sister back when we get our queen!" Jeff said, stamping his tiny foot.
Safe behind the toadstool, Pacifica murmured, "So the gnomes took Mabel."
"But why would they..." Gideon looked through the journal. "Of course! 'The gnomes, a mysterious yet annoying group of creatures, operate with a queen.' Dipper must have found out Mabel was taken by gnomes, and now he's trying to make a trade!"
"Gideon, we need to get out of here," Pacifica said.
Eyes glued to the journal, Gideon said, "Hold on, let me see if there's anything in here about gnome weaknesses-"
"No, we need to go now."
"Just a second-"
"Gideon, if Dipper's trying to find a replacement queen, who do you think he's gonna pick!?" Pacifica said.
Twang!
Gideon and Pacifica froze in terror. A squirrel had climbed onto the banjo and its paws were caught in the strings. There was a moment of serenity between the sound of the banjo and Dipper registering where it came from. It was long enough for Gideon and Pacifica to realize how much they were done for. The squirrel fared the best of everyone in the situation.
"Maybe Dipper will assume the gnomes like bluegrass," Pacifica whispered.
Dipper did not. He looked to the hill, and seeing Pacifica, he said, "Jeff, I'd like you to meet your new queen."
"All right, boys!" Jeff clapped his hands. "Let the marriage ceremony commence!"
Hundreds of gnomes emerged from the trees and surrounded Gideon and Pacifica. What they lacked in size they made up for in sheer numbers. Pacifica grabbed the banjo like a baseball bat. If Dipper thought she was doing down without a fight, he was gravely mistaken.
Fortunately for Dipper, he had an entire army of gnomes on his side.
"Subdue them."
The gnomes charged forward. Despite being small and adorable, the gnomes clawed viciously at Gideon and Pacifica. Pacifica batted as many gnomes away as possible until two gnomes grabbed the banjo and threw it against a tree. It broke at the neck.
"No!" Pacifica cried. They kept fighting, but the gnomes kept coming in waves. Little by little, the gnomes overpowered Gideon and Pacifica, tiny hands wrapping around their arms and legs. Soon enough, the gnomes had them completely immobilized. They brought them down to the clearing.
Dipper approached the restrained Gideon and Pacifica, clapping sarcastically. "Splendid detective work. You're a couple of Betty Jupiters."
"You read Betty Jupiter?" Gideon said out of genuine curiosity.
"No!" Dipper said defensively.
Struggling against the gnomes' grasp, Pacifica said, "So you were behind this entire thing!?"
"I was wondering when you'd figure it out," Dipper said. "You two were taking a lot more time than I thought you would. I almost had the gnomes go back and fetch you."
"Why didn't you?" Pacifica asked.
"You looked like you were having so much fun. I didn't want to spoil the mystery," Dipper said. Pacifica would do anything to wipe that smug grin off Dipper's face. He probably saw all this as some sick, twisted magic trick.
"Wait," Gideon said. "How did you figure out the gnomes had taken Mabel?"
"A few days ago, Mabel ran into some gnomes near our tent. And I know what you're doing." Dipper tilted Gideon's chin up so they were eye-to-eye. "You think knowing how I pulled this ruse off will somehow get you out of your current predicament. I can assure you it won't."
"Let go of him," Pacifica growled.
The contained fury in her voice drew Dipper's attention away from Gideon. He went over to Pacifica. "Don't look so angry. After all, it is your wedding day." She spat at him. Dipper scowled and wiped the spit off his shirt. "I pity the fool who ends up marrying you."
"Wait, if Mabel really was taken by the gnomes, where is she now?" Gideon said.
"Right here, snowflake."
The gnomes parted, and a very calm, very alive Mabel Pines sauntered into the clearing. Gideon gasped. "You were both in on this! And the dinner party must have been the perfect opportunity to get me and Pacifica captured by gnomes!"
"Just Pacifica, actually," Mabel corrected. Pacifica let out a noise of disgust. Mabel smiled sweetly at her. "We had the entire show planned out: we'd hold the séance, the lights would go out, and in the madness, the gnomes would swoop in and grab her. Unfortunately, you went outside. Then Pacifica missed her cue."
"Well, I am so sorry I ruined your show," Pacifica said sarcastically. "Next time I'll make sure the gnomes kidnap me on schedule!"
"It doesn't matter now. You two walked right back into our plan," Dipper said. "Which is a miracle given how much you threw the plan off."
"The biggest miracle was Dipper's acting," Mabel said snidely. Dipper didn't comment. But something about the way he planted himself between Mabel and gnomes suggested it wasn't entirely "acting" he'd been doing.
Pacifica couldn't believe the two of them. It was bad enough that they'd been playing her right from the start. Worse: they'd been playing her family. That was something she could not forgive. "Your plan worked. Big whoop. I'm not marrying the gnomes!"
"Hey, being married to all one thousand of us isn't so bad!" one of the gnomes holding Pacifica said.
"Yeah!" Jeff said. "I mean, us gnomes have our weird habits like using squirrels to bathe, but we can work around that!"
Pacifica grimaced. "You bathe with squirrels? First of all, ew." Gross as it sounded though, Jeff's comment cleared up the final piece of the mystery. "That was why there were so many squirrels around my house!"
"Or you simply have a vermin problem," Mabel said. She laughed. "What am I saying? Your familylives there. You already have a vermin problem!"
"How about you say that when I'm not being held down by gnomes?" Pacifica said. She tried to break free again, but the gnomes' grip held firm.
Mabel ignored Pacifica's challenge, instead staring dreamily into the forest. "That reminds me..." She turned to the gnomes. "I believe you have something of mine." One of the gnomes scampered forward with Mabel's headband. She put the headband on with the ease of sliding into a comfy pair of shoes. The gem on her headband glowed, and with it, her eyes got the tiniest bit bluer. "I feel brand new."
Observing the brilliance of his plan one final time, Dipper said, "Well, I think we're done here."
"You're just gonna leave us here!?" Gideon said.
Mabel smiled fondly at him. "Oh Gideon, I'd be happy to ask the gnomes to let you go." She grabbed him by his vest so that they were only centimeters apart. "If you agree to be mine."
"No way!"
She dropped the smile and let go of him. "Then enjoy the wedding."
Dipper brushed nonexistent dirt off his shirt and pushed his hair back. "Now if you'll excuse us, we need to get back to the Lumberjug so Mabel can make her, 'miraculous' return. We might even get some people to cry."
"They'd better cry," Mabel said. She joined Dipper and smirked at Pacifica. "I'll send a wedding present in the mail."
The Telepathy Twins slipped away leaving Gideon and Pacifica with the gnomes and a major case of cold feet. Ignorant to their fear, Jeff said. "All right! Now that we're done with that mix-up, let's get this show on the road!"
"I am not getting married!" Pacifica said.
"You don't get a say in this, human!" Jeff said as a gnome brought out some wedding rings. "We need a queen and you fit-"
"Wait," Gideon said. "What if I became your queen?"
"Gideon, what are you doing?" Pacifica whispered.
"Trying to buy you some time," Gideon whispered back. "You're a faster runner than me. You might be able to get help and come back before they finish the wedding ceremony."
"That's a terrible idea!"
Jeff however was intrigued by Gideon's proposal. "You do have beautiful white hair."
"And his skin is soft!" one of the gnomes holding Gideon added much to his discomfort.
The gnomes let go of Pacifica and corralled Gideon up to Jeff. Pacifica rushed toward Gideon, but several of the gnomes hissed at her, baring razor sharp teeth. She backed away helplessly to the fringes of the clearing. She was free, but what good was it? She couldn't just leave Gideon to the mercy of a thousand gnomes.
With the gnomes holding Gideon in place, Jeff began, "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to bring two souls together in holy matrignomy- matrimony. We like puns! You'll have to get used to that!"
Gideon yelled back to Pacifica. "I told you, get help! I'll be fine!"
"No one can help us! I'm not leaving you behind!" Pacifica said.
Jeff continued, "If anyone objects to this union-"
"I object!" Pacifica interrupted. "I object so now the marriage is off-"
"Anyone other than humans," Jeff said.
"What!?" Pacifica said. "You made that up!"
Jeff ignored her. "Do we take this lovely white-haired human to be our lawfully wedded queen?" The gnomes nodded in agreement and cheered. "All right, general consensus is we do so great!"
"You have to listen to me!" Pacifica yelled.
"And do you- what's your name again?" Jeff asked Gideon.
"Uh..." Gideon spotted a tree. "Leaf."
"Do you, Leaf, take all one thousand of us to be your lawfully wedded gnome husbands?" Before Gideon could answer, Jeff said, "I don't hear a no so we're gonna take that as a yes! One last time, are there any objections to this union?"
"Yes! I have objections! I have many objections!" Pacifica shouted. It was no good. The gnomes intentionally weren't listening to her. She'd either have to fight them all off or find something impossible to ignore to get their attention.
Then it hit her: she had the pig whistle from Shop Thrifty in her pocket.
"Then I now pronounce you gnome and-"
Pacifica pulled out the whistle and blew. Pandemonium erupted amongst the gnomes as the high-pitched whistle tore through the woods. The gnomes collapsed to the ground and put their hands over their ears. Anyone passing by would have thought (amongst other things like "Gnomes exist!?") that the world was ending.
"What is that ungodly sound!?" one gnome cried.
"The end is upon us!" another one said. He doubled over and vomited a rainbow.
Gideon watched all the chaos unfold with flabbergasted astonishment. "What do you know? It works on gnomes too," he said to himself.
Pacifica blew the whistle once more sending all the gnomes cowering at her feet. She climbed on top of the tree stump. "Listen up, gnomes! There will be no marriage today! Or ever!"
"Whatever you say! We'll do your bidding! Just please don't make that noise again!" Jeff pleaded. He started bowing at Pacifica's feet and the others followed suit. "How can we serve you Your Majesty, the most terrifying queen we've ever seen?"
"For starters, you can get rid of that dumb queen tradition!" Pacifica said. "Don't you guys know what year it is? We don't use a monarchy anymore. Can't you guys nominate like a president or something?"
"You mean pick someone based on a general consensus that they're competent to govern a society?" one gnome said.
"Pretty much, yeah," Pacifica replied.
The gnomes murmured amongst themselves about this revolutionary new idea. Gideon took the opportunity to stand on the stump with Pacifica. Jeff spoke up, "What if we don't like the president we pick?"
"Then you elect a new president!" Gideon said.
"An interesting idea." Jeff stroked his beard. "That sounds like a lot of work though... are you sure you don't wanna be our queen?" Pacifica threatened to blow the whistle again. "Okay! Okay! We can take a hint!"
Pacifica, still brandishing the whistle, stepped down off the stump. "Now we're gonna go, you're not gonna follow us, and you will stop this entire queen business."
"Yes, Your Majesty- I mean yes sir!" Jeff saluted Gideon and Pacifica, having learned a valuable life lesson about forced marriages and democracy. "All right, gnomes, I nominate myself for president!"
"I nominate this squirrel!" The gnome held his candidate up.
"Schmebulock!" the gnome known as Schmebulock said.
"That's terrible reasoning to nominate that candidate!" another gnome argued.
As the gnomes reshaped their entire society, Gideon and Pacifica took off before they changed their mind. Pacifica breathed a sigh of relief when the edge of the woods came into view. The first rays of daylight were appearing over the horizon. She hadn't realized this ordeal had lasted the entire night. Once she got back home, she was sleeping the rest of the day.
"You think everyone's still at the party?" Gideon said.
"If Dipper and Mabel are milking up the attention, I'd bet yes," Pacifica said bitterly. The Telepathy Twins probably thought they were in the clear. As they emerged from the woods, an idea formed in Pacifica's mind. "Say, how do you feel about making a dramatic entrance?"
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Back at the Lumberjug, the guests flocked around Mabel with Dipper right by her side. Mabel played the part perfectly. She even added a few tears (not enough for her makeup to run, of course). "I'm just so thankful Dipper found me," Mabel sniffled. "I don't know how I would have found my way out of the forest."
"We couldn't have known the spirits would be so wrathful," Dipper said. Stan had taught him that less was always more when giving an explanation. As long as he gave them a hint, the guests would fill in the gaps as to how Mabel was spirited away. That meant less explaining for him and less people poking holes in his story. Besides, the only two people who would bother were taken care of.
That left a throng of sympathetic people cooing over Mabel's "bravery."
Except one person. Robbie pointed out, "That's great you found your sister, but Gideon and Pacifica are still out in the woods."
Mabel put a hand to her chest, even throwing in a small gasp. "Oh dear, I hope they're alright."
Dipper eyed Robbie with uncertainty. Did he know their was something off? He couldn't. Still, something about the suspicion in Robbie's voice twisted Dipper's stomach. "I'm sure they're fine," Dipper lied. "Just lost."
"We weren't lost."
Heads turned toward the front door. For the first time in a very long time, Mabel had been upstaged. Even worse, she'd been upstaged by a talentless bleach blonde valley girl who should have been married off to a thousand gnomes by now.
But against all odds here she was. Standing in the doorway against the sunrise were Pacifica, Gideon, and a distinctive lack of gnomes. They were covered in dirt and twigs, but aside from a few cuts and scratches, they were fine. Too fine. Pacifica smirked straight at Dipper and held up a whistle.
"Amazing what you find in the woods, isn't it Dipdop?" she said. Dipper paled.
"Pacifica Elise Northwest," Preston said sternly. "Do you realize what time it is? The party has ended!"
It was over. Dipper could see it now. He could grab Mabel and make quick exit. If they got back to the Tent of Telepathy now, they could get out of Gravity Falls before the town turned on them. Clearly relishing the attention of the guests, Pacifica said. "We wanted to get back to the party, Dad. The thing is, while we were looking for Mabel, we found something pretty interesting in the forest-"
Before she could finish, Mabel grabbed her by the wrist and smothered her in a hug. "Thank goodness you're safe!"
Mabel held Pacifica close long enough for Dipper to notice she whispered something in Pacifica's ear. Whatever it was, Pacifica turned white as a sheet. When Mabel pulled away, Pacifica stuffed the whistle in her pocket. She didn't say a word.
"It's been a long night," Dipper said. "My sister needs to rest so we can perform tomorrow."
The Pines exchanged goodbyes with the hosts (who urged them to come back for another visit), with Pacifica and Gideon hanging back. Soon enough, they were in the car speeding away from the Lumberjug. To Dipper's disappointment, Wendy had decided to get a ride back with Robbie. He sat in the backseat with Mabel. He looked back to the shrinking Lumberjug, his mouth pressed into a thin line.
Dipper felt a gentle tug in his head. It was an invitation from Mabel to speak in a more private setting. He didn't mind speaking out loud right now; Stan didn't care what they did as long as they were in shape to perform. The driver -Dipper thought his name might be Soos- seemed too dumb to notice.
"They escaped the gnomes," Dipper said to Mabel. "I want to know how."
Mabel frowned. "You don't think...?"
"I don't know." Dipper pulled out Journal 2. There was no mention of gnomes in this one or the first journal, and even he'd had to wrangle for a solution to get rid of them. How did two magic-less kids escape?
"I suppose you'll want to investigate," Mabel said.
"I need to." Dipper looked back once more at the Lumberjug, now a pinprick on the horizon. As much as he despised Gideon and the Northwest girl, the prospect of a real mystery was tantalizing. He hadn't had a good one in such a long time.
"So if you want to investigate," a playful smile formed on Mabel's lips, "maybe it's time we bring him back out."
"Not yet," Dipper said. "He needs a little more time by himself."
Mabel rolled her eyes. "Ruin all my fun, will you?"
"Sister, the longer we leave him in there, the more fun it will be when we take him out," Dipper said.
Mabel did enjoy fun. Satisfied with Dipper's answer, she remained lost in her own thoughts for the rest of the ride back. Dipper had his own concerns. He'd have to rehearse for tonight's performance, something he had to actively put effort into unlike Mabel. He knew at tonight's performance he'd be there physically, but his mind would be somewhere else completely.
Dipper was going to pick those two kids apart until he figured out how they were tangled up in Gravity Falls. He didn't care what he had to do- even if it was magic. And if nothing came of his investigation... then it might be time to let him out. Just not quite yet.
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A/N: Sorry about the wait on this one! Lots of school stuff this month due to finals. But there's the other half of the mystery! I hope the reveal made sense! I wanted to bring back the gnomes but not during the first story. And other creatures from canon will also be returning, along with the suspects! My only regret is not writing enough of the suspects in this half of chapter, but the plot demanded different things. Next chapter might be awhile (again, school stuff) but I'm working on it! Thanks again for all the feedback!
