finally got this done! hope you all enjoy!
i got my first hate comment on my new story this week which was fun
apparently i need to make up my stupid mind about what happens...
i thought the point of me writing the thing was for you to wait and see what happens?
i already know what's going to happen...because i'm writing the bloody thing!
I also got asked if I was as stupid as Miley Cyrus...really? i thought she was a special kind of headcase.
oh well. made me laugh anyway.
for those of you who don't know, i started a new fic called 'another man loved me last night'
go check it out!
meanwhile, i hope you all enjoy this story!
and please let me know what you think of this new chapter!
it's just kind of a filler chapter i guess.
lyrics: best of you - foo fighters
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can't choose
I swear I'll never give in
I refuse
/
"Babe, its fine…"
"NO! It's not." Olivia grabbed her robe from the edge of the bed, hastily throwing it on over her underwear before storming out of the bedroom. She began pacing back and forth in the living room, her hands running through her hair. Damn flashbacks. Damn you straight to hell she thought.
"It's okay." Brian told her quietly, trying to calm her down. He stood against the bedroom door frame, his arms folded over his chest watching as she fought an inner battle with herself.
"It's not okay. God I can't even have sex with you anymore!" She growled, feeling beyond frustrated with herself. "I just can't get him out of my head. I want to…" She started "Believe me I do, It just happens at the worst times." She looks up at him with tears in her eyes "I'm so sorry." She mouthed.
"Hey, shut up." He stepped over to her, pulling her into his arms and holding her tight. "You have nothing to be sorry for." He started, running a hand up to the back of her head. "I understand. I'm not gonna push you or pressure you, I'm not gonna get mad at you and I am not going to leave you." He stressed, pressing his lips into her hair. "You just need to take it one step at a time."
"I am. I'm ready, god babe, I am so ready." She whispered, standing on her tiptoes, pressing her forehead against his, their lips barely touching. "I want you so much."
"One step at a time." He mumbled against her lips, teasing them softly.
"One step at a time." She repeated.
They stood in the middle of the room holding each other, one hand slowly rubbing her back as the other linked their fingers together, his thumb gently caressing the back of her hand.
"I'll go make you some tea." He said quietly, once again pressing his lips to her head.
She just nodded and took a seat on the couch grabbing the throw from the back and pulling it over her legs.
"Check the message on the machine…" She pointed towards the answering machine, flashing that there was a new message. Brian leaned over the counter, pushing the play button and turning back to fix Olivia her tea.
"It's probably work." He called back to her just before the message began.
"Hi, I'm calling for Olivia Benson, This was the contact number you left. Its Martin Hayward here, your landlord just to let you know that you're apartment has been sorted and is now ready to move back into. If you could let me know as soon as possible what you're plans are that would be great.
Thanks
Bye."
Brian turned his head and watched his girlfriend stiffen in her seat. Her apartment, where she was attacked, beaten, burned and broken was by all means back to rights, they had called someone to come in and clear the place out, remove the wrecked furniture, tidy the place up, not once thinking about what would happen when it was finished. Why tonight? He thought. Olivia had been through enough this week with the reappearance of Elliot and their less than pleasant confrontation, her frustrated feelings with herself over the uncontrollable flashbacks she had just experienced while almost having sex, she'd been through enough already and it didn't look like she was going to catch a break anytime soon.
"Liv…" Brian cautiously stepped towards her.
"No." She shook her head, standing from her seat and backing up against the wall. "I can't…"
"Liv, it's okay."
"I…" Her eyes widened as her breathing got harder. She started pacing again, the room caving in on her. She shook her head and covered her face with her hands. "I can't do this!" She screamed. "I can't deal with this anymore. He's everywhere! God, there is always something, I can't escape it!" She kept pacing, round and round the living room. Brian helplessly watched as the tears fell from her eyes, he felt his own tears prick as he watched her break down right in front of him, she had kept everything so locked up for so long that he knew this would happen eventually and hated himself for being so unable to stop it.
"Babe…" He reached for her but she slapped him away.
"No! I can't...I just…it's too much." She sobbed as she fell against the side of the kitchen counter. She was struggling to breathe, her hand came up to clamp over her chest as her body wracked with sobs.
"Why didn't he just kill me? I wish he had." She sobbed as she fell to the floor. "Things would be so much easier if I wasn't here."
Brian rushed to her side, dropped to his knees and grabbed her by the shoulders. "Don't you ever say that again." He growled. "Don't you dare say that again." He didn't even bother to wipe the tears that were making tracks down his face.
Olivia just sobbed harder as she grabbed his shirt as her breathing got worse. "I can't…"
Brian placed his hands on either side of her face "Breathe baby." He whispered. "Look at me. Just breathe…" He began taking slow, deep breaths, trying to get her to copy him. "It's okay, you're gonna be fine, I promise. Just breathe." His right arm gently pulled her to him as he sat down in front of her on the hardwood floor. She continued to struggle for breath as her nails dug into the flesh of his arm "Olivia. Breathe." He stated. "Look at me, copy me okay?" He started taking deep breaths "Come here…" He pulled her to sit in between his legs, hers draped around his waist. He leaned his forehead against hers and encouraged her breathing.
"That's it, deep breaths." He told her as her hands latched onto the front of his shirt. "I love you so much Olivia." He whispered as he kissed her forehead. He kept taking deep breaths with her until she eventually calmed down and they sat, bodies wrapped around each other in the middle of his apartment.
"I'm sorry for saying that." She mumbled after a long bout of silence.
"What?"
"I wish I had died. I'm sorry I said it." She wrapped her arms tighter around his waist.
"I can't imagine my life without you Liv." He pressed his face to the top of her head. "I can't…" He stopped as the tears began again. "God I love you so much." He said, his voice trying to convey the emotion he felt for her.
"I love you too." She tipped her head up from his chest and pressed a soft kiss to his lips before reaching a hand up to cup his face. "So much."
/
"It's been a rough week"
"Why is that?"
Olivia sat once again in her therapist's office. He was a fantastic therapist, easy enough to talk to, she felt safe in his office, talking to him without risk of judgment.
"Well, my ex-partner showed up, he hasn't spoken to me in…three years?" She started explaining. "He wanted to see how I was, so we had a bit of a showdown and then he left. Then I tried to have sex with Brian and had a flashback that terrified to my very soul, so that was ruined and the same night there was a message on his machine from my landlord saying my apartment was ready…" She rambled
"Okay, let's take it one point at a time." Dr Roberts started. "Your ex-partner…"
"Elliot" She couldn't bear hearing the term ex-partner any longer, the past is the past.
"Elliot, he turned up and what happened?"
Olivia sighed as she recalled the events "He called my squad, asking how I was…eight weeks after it all mind you. They told him I was fine but he wouldn't take it. He ended up turning up to the squad room when I was in a meeting with my captain."
"How did you feel? Seeing him again after so long"
"Frustrated." She replied "After he left he never said a word. To anyone. I was his partner for twelve years and he didn't even text me to tell me he was okay."
"So what happened? When he turned up, how did you react?"
"I basically had it out with him. Told him how I was, what I was feeling, how I felt when he left, about Brian and I…just lashed it all out." She shrugged
"Do you feel better for that? Having finally confronted him? I'm guessing you two were close."
Olivia thought back to her twelve years spent as Elliot Stabler's partner "Yeah, we were close." She muttered "I feel better having seen him, finally telling him everything I've wanted to tell him for so long. The past is the past, I have a new partner, a new life pretty much since he left and I need to focus on that now and stop dwelling on what could have been. " She smiled, thinking about Brian, her squad, they were her family.
"What about you're apartment? You said it's ready to move in to?"
"I'm not going back." She stated firmly. "No chance, I can't."
"Okay, that's completely understandable." Dr Roberts nodded "How's things with Brian? Still going strong?"
Olivia smiled "Yeah. He's amazing." She told him "Jeez, I'm talking like a school girl with a crush" She laughed, a slight blush showing on her cheeks. "But yes, he is amazing, we are amazing."
"You mentioned the intimacy issue…how did that go?"
"Terrible. We tried to…you know…" She ducked her head slightly, getting embarrassed. "I just panicked, I closed my eyes and saw Lewis standing over me, it was just for a split second but it really got to me. I got so irritated with myself for letting it happen."
"You don't let these things happen, Olivia. They just do and always at the most inopportune moments. It's a normal occurrence when someone has been assaulted."
"I know that, I do." Olivia stressed "But my god I just want to make love to my boyfriend again."
"It'll happen, just give it time." He explained "Other than that, how are things with you both?"
"Good, great even. I am no longer as scared to be in the apartment alone while he is working, we always check in with each other, no secrets anymore." She smiled. "I'm meeting his sisters this weekend." She added.
"You are? How nervous are you for that?" Dr Roberts laughed.
"Pretty nervous." She chuckled "I've met his mom already, she is lovely. We are heading up to his younger sister's this weekend place this weekend, staying for three days. It's his nephew's birthday and they all get together when one of the little ones has a birthday. Brian has been undercover for the last couple of years, so this be his first time in a while, I'm excited for him." She smiled "He loves his family a lot."
"This will be a new experience for you. It's a big step, meeting the family."
"I know, we're ready for it. I'm ready for it. I just need some good in my life." Olivia pointed out "Everything has been stress after stress recently."
"It'll do you some good to get away for a few days, out of the city, both of you."
"I hope so."
/
"Babe, I'm back!" She hollered through the small apartment, grinning when she saw Brian walking towards her.
"Hi" He mumbled, automatically pressing his lips against hers and gently pushing her against the door. "How was therapy?" "He muttered against her lips.
"Good." She smiled when he gently nibbled her bottom lip "Hmm, not as good as this though" She reached up and laced a hand into his hair, keeping his face against hers.
He pulled back and guided her through to the bedroom, a glass of her favourite wine in his hand. "Take this…" He said, handing her the glass "And give me that…" He started to pull her jacket from her shoulders. "And go in there." He pointed to the bathroom "Take as long as you want. Relax, you deserve it." He smiled and left her alone. Her brow creased with confusion she slowly opened the bathroom door and gasped. He had run her a bubble bath, candles, music, the whole lot. She put her hand over the lips, grinning as she set her wine down on the counter top and quickly stepped back into the living room and grabbed him by the waist, kissing him hard on the mouth.
"You are a hopeless romantic. Thank you." She smiled.
"No, I'm not. So take advantage of it while you can." He joked gently slapping her behind. "Go." He shooed her away.
"I love you!" She called as she practically ran to the warm, waiting bubble bath.
After almost an hour Olivia emerged from the tub, she stepped into the living room, her short hair up in a worn ponytail and her boyfriend's dark blue robe drowning her smaller frame, her hands covered by the sleeves as she covered her mouth which was once again plastered with a grin.
"Thank you." She whispered as she leaned over the back of the couch and kissed him.
"No need to thank me." He replied "Come here." He opened his arm for her to lay down beside him.
"No one's ever done that for me before." She told him truthfully.
"I've never done that for anyone before." He replied, smiling as she leaned up to kiss him again.
"You ready for this weekend?" She asked
"Shouldn't I be asking you that?" He joked
"I'm ready. I'm excited, is that weird? That I'm excited to meet your family?"
He shook his head and tightened his arms around her. "Maybe, a little" He joked "I'm excited for them to meet you. The kids are going to love you, I just know it. My sisters will too." He added.
"I hope so."
/
TA DAAAAH.
hope you like it!
continue or not?
let me know what you think!
THANKS
