Divided Loyalties - chapter 8

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Kara strode towards the supply room just outside the ready room, wondering why the Admiral wanted her of all people to retrieve some spare vipers parts. Isn't that Tyrol's job? Or one of his crew perhaps? And why is the Admiral so personally concerned about ship's maintenance? Those questions and more plagued her and aroused her curiosity, but the Old Man was someone she just couldn't refuse when he asked her for a favour.

As she passed by the ready room, she heard a voice call her name.

"Hey Starbuck."

She turned and stopped in the doorway. "What's up Helo?"

"Nothing much, just working on my flight logs," he answered, gesturing at the pages on the table.

"Now that's one thing I'll never miss when I quit flying."

"You planning on quitting anytime soon?" he asked curiously.

"When I'm dead."

Helo smiled. "That's what I thought. What are you up to today?"

"Spare viper parts. I guess I wasn't busy enough so I get the job of scouring the messiest part of this ship in order to find what the Admiral wants."

"Lucky you," Helo laughed. "I'll stick to my paperwork."

She stuck out her tongue at him, but continued on, opening the supply room door and shuddering as she turned on the light. The place was a shambles! There was stuff everywhere, absolutely everywhere, and none of the boxes was labelled.

"Looks like I know what I'm doing with the rest of my afternoon," she sighed, shutting the door behind her.

Meanwhile, Lee was heading to the ready room to pick up the flight roster Kara had left there earlier. Not that that was unusual, but for some reason his father wanted to see the schedule and had asked Lee to go get it.

"Hey Helo," Lee said warily, hoping not to have a repeat of their last conversation.

"Commander, maybe you're the person who can give me a hand with a problem I've got here."

"What's that?"

"Chief told me there's a spare gimbal in the supply room, but frak me if I can find it. Do you have any idea where it could be?"

"Well I used to know where most of the spare parts were - when I was CAG, but I haven't been in there in a while. I imagine it's a disaster by now.

"If you've got a minute, I could use a hand looking for it."

"A minute is about all I've got," Lee said brusquely, picking the flight roster off it's hook. "The Admiral wants to see me right away." Lee headed for the door. "Let's go quickly then."

Helo packed up his papers and followed Lee to the supply room door. Lee opened it and wandered in, frowning as he saw the light on.

"Wonder who left that on?" he murmured, just as the door shut behind him. He looked back in surprise to find himself alone, and the wheel turning to lock it.

"Helo, you frakking idiot!" he yelled, striding over to the door, not even noticing Kara pop up from below a small mountain of boxes.

"What the frak are you doing here?" she demanded, hands on her hips.

Lee nearly hit the roof, and definitely twisted something in his back as he swung around suddenly to confront the voice behind him.

"What the frak are you doing here?" he asked, totally stunned.

For a moment they stared at one another, wordless, then they both burst out laughing.

"What the frak is going on?" they both said at exactly the same moment and burst into gales of laughter again.

Helo could hear their muted laughter through the hatch and smirked as he turned and walked away. His work here was done.

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"Assignment complete sir," Helo said, nodding respectfully at the admiral.

"Thank you Lieutenant. I appreciate your cooperation in this matter. It's a bit of a delicate situation and I wasn't quite sure how to set it up."

"Happy to help sir. Kara's one of my closest friends and I'd do anything to help resolve this situation. I hate to see her hurting."

"So do I. And my son as well. We may not be as close as I'd like, but I hate to see him hurting as well," Adama confessed.

"Well, I think the situation is well in hand. There is no way they're getting out of there until someone lets them out."

"Let them cool their heels for a few hours. Forcing them together should make conversation inevitable."

"But do you think they can resolve their differences?" Helo asked.

"They always have before," Adama replied confidently. "Sometimes they just need a little help getting started." He smiled.

"Well sir, let me know when you want me to let them out," Helo offered.

"Thank you LIeutenant, I will. You're dismissed."

"Yes sir," Helo said, exiting the Admiral's quarters with a smile. What he wouldn't give to be a fly on the wall in that supply room right now!

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Kara wiped her eyes, wincing at the stitch in her side from laughing so hard. "So now what?"

"We get out of here." Lee tried the hatch but it wouldn't budge. He pushed harder, straining his muscles to their utmost, but to no avail. They were trapped. He sat on a box near the door. "Maybe you can tell me why Helo lured me in here with you and then locked me in," Lee said, a querying look in his deep, blue eyes.

Kara shrugged. "To torture me?"

"I'm sure he must have had a better reason that that."

"To torture you?"

Lee made a 'could be' face.

Kara sat down on a crate facing him, about six feet away, arms crossed over her chest. "Well whatever the reason, what are we going to do about it?"

Lee sighed. I don't know."

"I suppose he'll let us out eventually, won't he?" Kara almost sounded scared.

"Someone will miss us," Lee said confidently.

Kara's eyes cast down to the floor. "Well, you anyway," she murmured.

Lee's brow furrowed. "Why are you so down on yourself?"

"Dunno. Just the way I am I suppose."

"No you're not," Lee said forcefully, causing her gaze to shift up to his face suddenly. "The Starbuck I know is arrogant and cocky, not subdued and down on herself. What's wrong Kara?"

Kara laughed harshly. "What's wrong? What's wrong? Ha! What isn't wrong is probably a better question."

"Is it about me? Are you still upset with me?" Lee asked softly. I mean, I know I apologized, but if you want to talk about it some more ..."

"It's not just you, it's everything. My life is shot to hell and only Helo seems to care. But it's not like he really has time for me - he's got bigger fish to fry these days." Kara sighed heavily. "I just don't know ... I never meant to ..." She trailed off.

"Never meant to what?" Lee asked quietly.

"Never meant to do any of it."

"Any of what?" Lee looked perplexed. Was something going on he wasn't aware of?

"Anything. Everything. All the decisions I've made, everything I've done ... if I could go back and change it all, I would."

"Kara," Lee began, shocked at the sadness in her eyes now that all traces of laughter were gone. "You can't mean that."

"Can't I? What good have I ever done for anyone?"

"Come on Kara, you're the best pilot in this whole frakking fleet. You've single-handedly saved more people than anyone else."

"Then why can't I save the people I love? Why is it they all die?"

Lee stared at her, unable to find the right words to say. "I'm still here," he whispered. I know things haven't exactly been great between us lately, and I'm sorry about that. I know it's my fault and I'll try to ..."

"I don't love you," she interrupted, and it stopped Lee dead. His mouth hung open in surprise.

"I don't love you. I can't because then I'll lose you too," she whispered.

All of sudden realization dawned on Lee - why she always held him at arm's length even though he could swear she felt more for him. Finally she was admitting her fears and while the knowledge made him feel sick to his stomach in one sense, in another it was extremely comforting. It meant her contradictory behaviour towards him finally made sense.

Lee got up and walked towards her. She stood up as well and he lifted a hand to touch her cheek, oh-so-lightly. "You won't lose me Kara. I'm not going anywhere."

"I almost did already. I can't risk that happening again." She pulled his hand off her face, but their fingers remained entwined, though neither of them seemed to notice it. "I can't care for you Lee," she whispered. "I just can't do it again."

Lee wasn't aware that their hands were joined, but he could feel a warmth spread through his whole body - a feeling of happiness and love that he'd only ever felt a few times before; times he and Kara had been physically connected, by a handshake or a hug. Or that time when they'd almost ...

He leaned over and brushed his lips against hers and felt her tremble before pulling away. The anguish in her eyes was agonizing, and Lee felt as though the breath had been punched out of him, looking in them was so painful. He'd seen many things in those eyes before - anger, scorn, laughter, fun - but never pain. Not like this. LIke her very heart was being ripped out.

"Kara," he whispered.

"Don't. We can't do this," she whispered brokenly.

"Yes we can." He lifted both hands to her face and held her gently while he kissed her, much as she had the last time they'd kissed. She was tentative at first but then gave in to the fire that was consuming her; her need to be loved and shown that she was loved physically, for people could lie and she had never believed their words.

Lee had his answer - she loved him. She'd said there was 'nothing there' the last time they were together, but her body had spoken differently. The same was true now. She'd said she didn't love him; couldn't allow herself to love him, but love him she did. It was in every nuance of her body language.

They broke apart for air a long while later, foreheads resting against one another as they breathed deeply.

"We can't do this," she repeated sadly.

"Yes we can," he answered stubbornly. She didn't have the monopoly on stubbornness around here.

"You're with someone else."

"It doesn't matter."

"Yes it does." The forlorn look in her eyes made Lee's heart bleed. He took her in his arms and joined his lips with hers again, determined to show her that while he cared for Dee, there was no denying that, he loved Kara Thrace, heart and soul, and nothing anywhere could change that.

TBC