Panacea

"Prongs...wake up, Prongs." Groggily, angrily, James Potter peeled his eyelids open, and, without lifting his head off his pillow, stared blearily around his dormitory. The curtains that ringed Remus' four-poster were still neatly, precisely pulled, and James could still hear Peter's fractured snoring. That left...But, Sirius wasn't in his bed...

"Prongs...over here..."

"Shit, Sirius, what the bloody hell is it?" James turned, keeping his shoulders tucked under the duvet. It was the middle of October, and their stone tower was freezing. But, even as he swore at Sirius, James kept his voice pitched low, to keep from waking up their friends. He was already mourning the night's lost sleep, because there was mischief and delight in Sirius' whisper, and as much as James loved sleeping he loved this more, so, he sat up, and stretched and looked around for his shoes.

Sirius was kneeling at the side of James' bed, already dressed in dark trousers and one of Remus' black tee shirts. His grin stretched across the whole of his face, and his teeth glinted in the thin light that leaked through the thin windows. James crammed his hands against his mouth, forcing his raucous laughter at the stupid-pure happiness on Sirius' face back into his throat. He swung his hand half-heartedly at Sirius' head, and the Black boy didn't even duck or hit back at him, so clearly Sirius' idea was intense and important, and thus Sirius would very much appreciate for James to start taking this shit seriously.

It took James only a minute to get dressed, even in the near-dark of their dormitory, because he'd done this before, and also because it's not like he folded his clothes and put them away, so his trousers and shoes were still exactly where he'd stepped out of them two hours previously. Sirius was clearly going to wait until they got into the stairwell to discuss his idea, so James purposely dawdled, even when it was clear he was ready, to show Sirius that of course he was coming with him, but still, he was a little bit pissed to not be asleep anymore.

The boys closed the door softly behind themselves, and huddled in the corridor, standing in a pool of moonlight.

"So, it's Moony's time of the month in two days," Sirius began, and James giggled to himself just a bit, still amused by the way Sirius referred to Remus' transformations. "And, you know how mopey he gets."

James nodded solemnly. It's certainly true: Remus is always sad and anxious and frustrated just before he transforms. Over the years the Marauders had tried various means of cheering him up, mostly with little success.

"So..." Sirius peered around James, checking, yet again, that they were alone, before he revealed his plan.

"Oh, for fuck's sake, Padfoot." James threw his arms up in the air, and spun away from Sirius, heading for their dormitory and his bed.

"Prongs!" Sirius lunged and grabbed James' wrist, yanking him back toward the top of the stairs that led down to the Common Room.

"No, stop it. I have a plan. And, it's dastardly. So, shut up."

James crossed his arms over his chest, and cocked an eyebrow at Sirius, pissed because Sirius probably wouldn't be able to see his perfectly skeptical expression in the dimness.

"So, ok, Moony's always worried that some of our pranks and shit go a bit too far...but, on time-of-the-month days, he's always a bit meaner...and doesn't mind so much when we're arseholes, you know?"

James nodded again. That's also certainly true, because Remus, who typically tells them off for their shitty behavior, is much less inclined to do that when he's nearing a transformation, and much more inclined to laugh, to revel in someone else's pain and embarrassment.

"Ok, at first, I thought we'd just lure Snivellus to the Willow and toss him in. You know, let Moony have him for a toy..." Sirius smirked, his eyes glinting with pleasure at the thought of Snape torn to ribbons by a werewolf, and James felt his stomach lurch.

Yeah, he thought frantically, Snivellus is miserable and pathetic and an evil git, but he doesn't deserve to get eaten. And, what would happen to Remus! He'd be put down, the Ministry'd have him executed...Does Sirius not realize it, how much this would hurt Remus, too? How much it would hurt us all?

"Shit, Sirius, you can't do-"

"Oh, I know, Prongs. Not enough time, or planning. Too complicated, to pull off in one night."

There was no irony, or joke, in Sirius' voice; he was speaking reasonably, with a hint of regret in his tone. Regret that he couldn't come up with a full-proof way to trick a classmate into a werewolf's den in one night? James wasn't sure. But, this was unconscionable, this was unfair, and someone had to tell Sirius, had to explain to him that such an action would have such consequences.

"Sirius, you can't do that. Seriously. Snape, he can't, you can't do this, ok?"

"Holy shit, Prongs, I know, ok. That's why we're not doing it. We're doing something else."

Sirius started down the stairs, careful to move quietly, in case anyone was sleeping lightly in the rooms that lined the stairwell, and was awakened.

James remained at the top of the stairs, staring unseeingly at his best friend's back as Sirius disappeared around the curve of the staircase.

Maybe, this is good, he thought weakly. This little night-time escapade is the first prank Sirius has thought up in nearly a month, since his mother sent him the Howler. And since then, Sirius has been so fucking careful, and not really his normal self at all. Maybe, this is good. It's not like he's actually going to send Snivellus into the Shack. He wouldn't really do that.

And, while James Potter understood that the consequences and ramifications for sending Snivellus Snape into the Shack with Moony would be disastrous, and terrible, there was a secret part of himself, the Gryffindor part that hated everything that Snape stood for, but also the part of himself that wanted to sleep with Lily Evans so much he felt weak even thinking about it, that wouldn't mind if Snape just, stopped existing. He didn't want to kill him, personally, and he definitely didn't want Remus to do it, but. He wouldn't mind, if someone else did.

"Prongs..." Sirius' voice floated up the stairs, and James smirked at the impatience snarled around the whisper.

Plus, fuck all of this noise about Snape and the Willow and feeling sorry for the greasy Slytherin shit who hung around with boys who literally wanted to kill people, because they happened to be born Muggles. Sirius had woken him up, had planned something with him as the partner, trusted him to have his back and go and do this with him, and take whatever reward or punishment might come. His best friend had asked him for help with something, and of course James was going to fucking do it.

James bounded down the stairs, decidedly not taking care to be careful and quiet. He leapt down the last four steps, and almost landed on Sirius. Laughing heartily, he pushed himself off Sirius, and bowed in the direction of the Portrait entrance, letting Sirius go first. "I'm dying to see what's up your sleeve, Mr. Padfoot."


Lily Evans sat rigid and upright at her desk in Potions, quivering with rage and humiliation and disappointment. She kept her eyes trained on the blackboard, even though class had not yet begun, and Slughorn was still ensconced in his office. She wanted to be looking at the door, but she sat in the front of the room and the shithead Marauders obviously sat in the back, and if she looked back at the door she would see Sirius' all-the-way smug face and James' (stupid, shitty) half-smug-half-upset face, and she would either explode or cry, and so, she stared at the blackboard.

She wanted to be looking at the door because she wanted the first thing Sev saw when he entered the classroom was her encouraging, happy face, but, as the minutes ticked by, it seemed less and less likely that Sev was going to come to class at all. And, as much as Lily was all for confronting your tormentors and never letting them see you cry, she would completely understand if Sev maybe wanted to keep away from the general population of Hogwarts for a bit.


Because, in the corridors that morning, and glued to every seat in the Great Hall, and stuck to the flagstones of the Entrance Hall, and delivered with the morning post, and just in every imaginable place throughout the castle, someone had posted or stuck or mailed 'diary entries.'

They were fake, obviously, and most were only a sentence or two, but they had been stuck to the walls and the floors and benches and tables and desks with Permanent Sticking Charms, and Charmed with Sonorous to scream the words inscribed on them.

They were Severus Snape's 'diary entries,' and they shouted things like: "DEAR DIARY, OH, HOW I HATE TO BE SO GREASY! LOVE, SNIVELLUS!" and "DEAR DIARY, NEW GOAL ACHIEVED! TWO WHOLE WEEKS WITHOUT A SHOWER! LOVE, SNIVELLUS!" and "DEAR DIARY, DO YOU THINK COULD I BE A SHIT-EATER, INSTEAD OF A DEATH EATER? LOVE, SNIVELLUS!"

It had taken McGonagall and Flitwick whole minutes to silence the screaming pieces of paper, and even when the 'diary entries' had lost their voices the words on the paper remained, stuck to every seat and every stone and every wall of the castle.

When she had finished shutting up all the stupid diary entries, McGonagall had turned to James and Sirius, who had joined quite a few of their fellow Gryffindors on the floor of the Great Hall, having rolled off the benches from uproarious laughter. She had pointed at each of them, and jerked her finger out of the Hall and up the stairs towards Dumbledore's office. Her mouth was a thin, white line, and Lily was glad, for just that instant, because clearly McGonagall was pissed, and maybe this would teach those little shitheads that just because you think you're cool as shit doesn't mean that you can trample all over people's feelings, just because you want to.

James and Sirius had stood, and begun to walk out of the Hall. Sirius had slung an arm over James' shoulders, and clicked his heels together in the air, and the whole Gryffindor Table, with the decided exception of Lily, had fallen apart again. She had sat, fists curled in her lap, nails digging into her palms, and imagined all the nasty, cruel things she would like to do to James Potter and Sirius Black.

Clearly, Sirius was hopeless, and was hopelessly gone, but she'd thought that James, at least, wasn't a flaming arsehole, and might, if given the right, red-headed incentive, step away from the carelessly-cruel mantle he'd worn for most of their school career. But, no. James Potter was an arrogant, bullying toerag, and nothing would ever change that. Fuck him.

Hot tears had pooled in the corners of Lily's eyes, and she had scrubbed surreptitiously at them. She was crying for Sev, she told herself. She was crying for how embarrassed and angry he must be. She was absolutely not crying because James Potter clearly hadn't heard a word she's said during their detention-date a few weeks ago, and clearly had decided that she wasn't worth the effort of not being a bastard. She was so not crying because of that.

Just as Sirius and James had reached the door of the Hall, Sirius had suddenly turned and ducked under McGonagall's arm. He had stopped in the middle of the hall, and had thrown something up into the air. It had exploded, and girls shrieked as a snow of paper-confetti came pouring down from above their heads.

The explosion had coalesced into a huge, waggling piece of paper, which had SCREAMED so loudly the tables and candles shook: "DEAR DIARY! I'M SO SAD! LILY EVANS DOESN'T LOVE ME, AND I WANT HER SO MUCH! SHE WON'T EVEN LOOK AT ME! MAYBE-"

"Silencio!" somebody had finally roared, and Lily had opened her eyes to see James Potter, wand extended over Sirius' shoulder, gasping from the force of his spell.

The huge floating 'diary entry' still wriggled in midair, but it did it silently, at least.

Lily had stared at James, not even a little bit moved by the apology etched in his worried features. She had turned away from him, and picked up a basket of rolls, and spent the rest of breakfast spreading jam over every inch of each of the dozen rolls in the basket, piling them neatly on her plate, and not eating a single one.


But, that had been breakfast and now she was in Potions, and now she was waiting for Sev to walk through the door and come and sit with her and work on whatever Slughorn had decided to assign them. She was waiting for her best friend, so she could act normally and not talk about the horrendously embarrassing thing that had happened to him that morning, and to let him know that she loved him, and she was in his corner and on his side and all those other cliched things that could never fully express just how she felt about her best friend.

Because, that is exactly what Sev is. He's her best friend, and yes he's a Slytherin, but he obviously couldn't be a Gryffindor, or a Hufflepuff and anyway his parents are pretty miserable and so it's not really surprising, that he's a Slytherin. (But, also, actually it is: Sev is a half-blood and while that's better than being a Muggle it's not that much better, and they take blood-purity painfully seriously in Slytherin. It's exceedingly brave of him, to be a Slytherin, Gryffindor-brave, actually, but that would never be a compliment for Sev, so they rarely talk about their Houses, because it's easier that way.) He's her best friend, even with all the unsavoriness and danger of his House-mates, and she feels his anger and humiliation like it's her own, and so she sits facing away from the stupid shitheads who hurt him, and hopes that he comes to class, to her.

He slid into his seat seconds before Slughorn begins his lecture, and Lily sighed with relief and happiness. She doesn't look at him, because they are both industriously taking notes, but also because she is a little bit afraid of the pain and rage that she knows is fermenting in the depths of his eyes, and it makes her heart hurt, to see him so hurt and unhappy.

Slughorn assigned his mixed class of Gryffindors and Slytherins antidotes to various poisons, and as Sev climbed out of his seat to go and get his ingredients, Lily moved.

"Sev," she whispered, and he froze. His shoulder is turned toward her while his face is turned away, and his hand is curled around the edge of their desk. Carefully, because even when he's happy Sev doesn't really like being touched, Lily reached across the desk and gently pulled his hand free. She curled her fingers through his, and squeezed his hand and nearly gasped when his hand squeezed back, tight and swift and desperate. She doesn't let go. She took some of the tension and humiliation roiling around inside of him, felt it leave his fingers and seep into her hand, felt him relax, just incrementally, as she held his hand in the middle of Potions, and didn't care who saw.


Sev literally didn't say anything throughout the whole of class; didn't answer when Slughorn asks him questions or when Lily complimented him, and then, when class was over, he was the first person to fling his bag over his shoulder and walk briskly from the classroom. Lily is left to bottle up their antidote and clean up their workspace and she does it slowly, digging her sponge into every crevice of Sev's old, pitted cauldron.

She was the last person to leave the classroom, and she moved slowly through the underground corridors, hoping that Sev might have waited for her, so she could speak with him in private, and not in a brightly-lit classroom full of some of the people he hated most in the world.

Suddenly, she heard footsteps hurrying behind her, and she spun, smiling and so glad to see Sev, who had waited-oh. It wasn't Sev. Fuck.

James Potter stood just before her, breathing a bit heavily, probably more out of fear of her than of the running he'd just done, Lily thought. Ha. Good. He fucking should be afraid of her.

He looked sad and upset and frustrated, but Lily did not give a shit in the slightest, because Sev was a thousand times more upset and sad and frustrated, and it was completely and entirely this shithead boy's fault.

"Look, Lily, I'm sorry, ok? I didn't mean...I didn't know, that Sirius..." James sighed, and ran his fingers through his hair in exasperation.

No. She was so not the person to whom he should be apologizing, and also, enough was really fucking enough.

"Shut up, Potter," Lily snarled, and James' eyes went wide. "Just shut the bloody hell up. I don't have any interest in hearing this, from you." She took a step forward, and he leaned back, away from her rage.

"Remember our conversation, a while ago, about how we do shit, because our best friends need us to?" James nodded, but Lily kept going. She did not need his acknowledgement.

"Did Sirius need you to embarrass Sev? He needed your help with this? Or, did you just do it because you're an arrogant, bullying toerag who doesn't care about anybody but himself?" Lily's whole body trembled with the force of her rage, and she could see the fear in James' face, and it made her happy. Proud of herself. Fuck him.

"Well, Potter, now my best friend needs me to figure out a way to make him feel better, because you and your best friend decided to shit all over him!" She drew herself up, and, for the first time in her life, felt miles taller than James Potter, who looked so small and meek and diminished.

"Fuck you, Potter. Now, my best friend needs you to never talk to me again. So. Do that." Lily gulped, and nearly gasped. This was the end of anything that ever might have been between her and James. It felt like she'd just been kicked in the ribs, like all the air had gone out of the corridor, and she and James were left to drown. He looked like he felt that way too. But, fuck him. Because, Sev looked like he was drowning all the time, and James Potter was often the person responsible.

Lily breathed in the last bit of air left in the corridor, leaving none for James. "Don't talk to me. ever again, James." She turned away from him, holding her breath, hearing him gasping behind her.


A/N: Thanks so much for reading! Hope you enjoyed it! I'd love to hear what you think!