Deadliest Cartoon Character: Chapter 8
Disclaimer: I neither own any cartoon characters nor Spike TV's hit "The Deadliest Warrior" This is just for pure entertainment and not to be taken seriously…
Note: Sorry for the long hiatus, I was stricken with College Work and general laziness. As a LATE Happy New Year, a Happy Valentines, and a Birthday Gift for yours truly: here's the 8th chapter!
Narrator: Darkwing Duck, vigilante hero of Saint Canard, and the terror that flaps in the night.
(We see Darkwing Duck clashing with several street thugs in the streets of St. Canard. As all the thugs tried to tackle him at the same time, Darkwing Duck suddenly performs a spin kick knocking all of them down.)
Narrator: Duck Dodgers, a captain of the Galactic Protectorate, self-proclaimed 21st century hero, and one lucky duck.)
(Duck Dodgers is shown practicing his nunchucks and destroyed one Martian Centurion robot that was sneaking up behind him, not knowing the wiser didn't even noticed, until one of the sticks smacks him in the face. )
Both heroes have egos larger than a planet, and they're both…ducks.
(A split screen shows the two said ducks gloating over their accomplishments.)
Narrator: WHO…IS…THE…DEADLIEST?
(The two are seen fighting each other in a middle of the city streets. Darkwing Duck dodges laser blasts as Dodgers in return, charging at him with a flying kick.)
Narrator: even with the battle between egos, there are still no rules any mercy only on.
DEADLIEST CARTOON CHARACTER
The scene now shows inside building where sounds of fighting are heard. Various weapons, targets, and animal carcasses are displayed along with some high tech looking gear.
Narrator: The Fight Club: a remote place in California where we've assembled doctors, scientists, and combat experts. They are here to decide who would win a battle between two duck related heroes…
Darkwing Duck's Stats:
First year of appearance: September 8, 1991
Episode name: Darkly Dawns the Duck
Owned by: The Walt Disney Company
Creator: Tad Stones
Voice Actor: Jim Cummings
Narrator: And Duck Dodgers
Duck Dodgers' Stats:
First year of appearance: August 23, 2003
Episode name: The Trial of Duck Dodgers
Owned by: Cartoon Network
Creator: Tex Avery and Bob Clampett (Offically)
Voice Actor: Joe Alaskey
the teams brought in to test the weapons are their very own sidekicks and allies.
For Team Darkwing brings Launchpad McQuack, Darkwing Duck's personal pilot and sidekick and Gosalyn Mallard.
"DW can win this fight in no time flat." Launchpad said. "He's got us for his support!"
After saying so, he leans on a near by table but his weight cause the table to collapse, and the contents including himself fell over.
"Err, I meant to do that."
"My dad fought the Fearsome Five and won," the spunky little girl said. "He can defeat that knock-off!"
For Team Dodgers, there's The Eager Young Space Cadet who is Dodger's personal (competent) assistant and the leader of the Martian military, Martian Commander X-2. Despite being bitter enemies, the Martian commander has agreed to represent over the current truce between the Martian Empire and the Earth Protectorate.
"I've only come here to proof that Dodgers is a bigger menace to the Martian Empire than that other billed avian." The commander boasted. "The oaf managed to defeat the Martian army several times, and it made me angry, very angry indeed."
"There are r-r-r-rare times where Dodgers actually w-w-w-won." The Space Cadet said. "He can win the fight without my h-h-h-h-h- assistance."
After recovering from sudden illnesses, biomedical scientist Geoff Desmoulin and computer programmer Max Geiger has returned to host Deadliest Warrior along with ER specialist Doctor Armand Dorian.
"I'm going to give the edge to Darkwing Duck," Geoff said. "He's an icon of Disney during the early 90s and defeated supervillains despite having no powers himself."
"I'll go with Duck Dodgers, he's been around longer if you included the Chuck Jones' shorts." Max said. "Daffy gave me laughs when I was a kid, and everyone else who were once kids."
Narrator: The teams gathered four of the ducks' signature weapons…
Darkwing Duck's weapons:
Martial Arts
Grappling Hook
Gas Gun
Thunderquack Jet
Duck Dodger's weapons:
Nunchakus
Jetpack
Laser Pistol
Green Lantern Ring
Narrator: Testing for long-range weapon is Darkwing Duck's signature weapon. The Gas Gun
"This is my dad's gas gun." Gosalyn said as she walks into the shooting range. "Not only it fires smoke gas pellets, but it also shoots boxing gloves, tear gas, and anything you name it. It's there."
"Now aren't you too young to be playing with firearms young lady?" X-2 asked.
"Well, aren't you supposed to be a bitter enemy of Dodgers?" she asked back.
"Touche."
At the shooting range, three targets are dressed like F.O.W.L soldiers to give the tomboy a motivation.
"Are you ready?" Geoff Desmoulin barked at the girl.
"Yes I am!"
"3…2….1! LET HER RIP!"
Gosoyln open fires a boxing glove that struck one of the dummies in the jaw, she quickly reloads and fires a gas round that engulfs the area in harmless smoke. As Launchpad and the crew cheers her on as Gosolyn fires another boxing glove, striking the second dummy in the head with enough force to crack the helmet. Finally, she fires off a grappling hook that latches onto the third and last dummy onto the back. With enough effort and sudden show of strength, she was able to rip off the dummy's back with a painful sounding tear as fake blood oozes to the floor.
"Man, you are the girl!" Geoff congratulated her with a high five. "Remind me not to piss you off!"
"Yep-yep-yep, you can say I can take it from him." She said in a boastful tone similar to her adoptive father's.
"The camera shows that the velocity of each projectile fired has the same speed of a bullet fired from a 9mm handgun." Max informed. "Good things come in small packages, and this is a winning example."
"Don't celebrate yet guys." Dr. Dorian announced after examining the targets. "The first one hit by Gosolyn has his jaw shattered and even though he can't be eating solid food for awhile, it's not a kill."
The girl's smile suddenly dropped into disbelief after hearing this, as he show them the last two targets. When they opened up the cracked helmet, the target was alive.
"According to the data, the PSI shows that even though it was enough to crack the helmet, it wasn't enough for a kill." Geoff said disappointedly. "Now, the guy is hurt from the whiplash but we're here for a kill."
For the third target, no explanation is necessary.
"Now this is an obvious kill," Doctor Dorian said. "You basically torn off the flesh from the guy's back, and he'll be bleed to death in seconds, minutes if he's unlucky."
"Still, you got to admit all the neat things it can do." Gosolyn defended, "when I fired the gas pellet, dad can escape, capture, or even go in for the kill."
Narrator: Next, is Team Dodgers with the Laser Pistol...
X-2 steps onto the shooting range, this time the targets are three deactivated Martian Centurions.
"This is the Standard Issue for the Earth Protectorate, it's not as powerful as my Martian weapons but it does get their tasks done."
When, the commander steps into the range with the weapon charged. Geoff enthusiastic as ever barks out. "Are you ready?"
"Affirmative!"
"3…2…1…EXTERMINATE!"
The alien fired a plasma beam that hummed across the range until it completely incinerated the robot into pile of ashes. Geoff and Max howled in excitement as the Martian fired two more shots each with the same result.
Doctor Dorian just said, "I don't think my expertise is needed here."
"Even though I like the Gas Gun since it can block the viewer's view from the smoke and does have potential to kill. I'll still go with the Laser Pistol for obvious reasons." Geoff declared.
"Agreed, edge goes to the laser pistol." Max said
Narrator: Despite the versatility of the Gas Gun, the Laser Pistol gets the edge for the better killing power.
Edge: Duck Dodgers
Narrator: Still optimistic in their battle, the saviour of Saint Canard brought in another weapon to fight crime…the Grappling Hook!
Launchpad steps into the testing area swinging with the grappling hook in hand. His target is the pig carcass, the closest thing to human flesh.
"Launchpad, are you ready?" Geoff asked as he turned the testing camera on.
"Ready as I'll ever be Geoff!" He answered as he put his pilot goggles on.
"Then, start hacking him up!"
At cue, the pilot dug into the pig deep with the hook's jagged claws. Blood begins to trickle out as Lauchpad struggles to pull it out, but was able to pull it out with enough effort. He continues to hack away several times with the same results as blood sprays all over him, when he's finally finished. Torn pieces of meat were hanging off the hook.
"Yuck, I need a new change of clothes…and shower…" Launchpad said to himself.
"Despite the efforts you need to pull it out, it shows you can kill with it." Geoff said. "It's almost the same as the episode of Somali Pirate vs the Medellin Cartel."
Footage shows the testing was very similar to the previous episode. But the team wasn't impressed, and neither was Max.
"You still need to remember that Launchpad also had the same struggles with the grappling hook as well, since it's meant to grapple not to kill." Max said.
"Affirmative," Martian Commander added. "We have something that is far superior."
Narrator: Next for Mid-Range weapons is the jetpack, standard issue for the Earth Protectorate.
The Eager Young Space Cadet straps the said jetpack outside, behind the launch area is the target strapped behind too close where the jetpack's exhaust ports are.
"Are you ready Cadet?" Geoff asked to the porcine assistant as the latter finishes strapping.
"R-r-r-ready!"
"3-2-1 Ignition!"
The pig zooms out of the sky as he soars like an eagle, and performs several tricks and stunts like loop-de-loops and doing a barrel roll. Suddenly, "The Daring Young Man On the Flying Trapeze" starts playing as Eager Young Space Cadet imitates a synchronized swimmer. As he finally landed, Geoff and Max congratulated him for his effort.
"That's amazing what you can do with the jetpack, since it's so portable and quick." Geoff said, "but let's look to our poor friend who got too close."
The target, or what remains of it, was burnt to a crisp.
"Now, this is a definite kill as the exhaust incinerated the whole front of the body." Doctor Dorian said as he show's the high-speed camera footage. "This is the most excruciating way to die.
"I'll admit, it's a neat gadget but my dad's smart enough not to get too close behind a jetpack…" Gosalyn reminded them. "Sometimes.."
"I hate to say it but she's right." Doctor Dorian agreed. "While the jetpack can kill, the grappling hook can kill at a better chance of killing, and you don't have to be behind a jetpack."
"Even though I still think he jetpack is a neat tool to escape and all, but we're here for a kill." Geoff said getting back to business. "And I don't think DW is dumb enough to get caught by the exhaust."
"Even when pigs do fly, the edge goes to the grappling hook." Max added.
Narrator: Even though the jetpack's afterburner will provide nasty burns, the grappling hook gets the edge for its simplicity and better chances of killing.
Edge: Darkwing Duck
Narrator: For close range combat, bought in two different specialities. Darkwing Duck is a master martial artist and Duck Dodgers with his Laser Nunchucks, the descendant of the wooden flail from Okinawa.
The Eager Young Space Cadet walks up to a ballistic gel torso wielding the Laser Nunchucks.
"This h-h-h-here's the s-s-s-standard issue Nunchucks that D-d-d-dodgers used." He explained to the crew. "I'm p-p-p-pretty g-g-g-g-goo' talented myself."
"Well, can you give us a demonstration to that torso if you will?" Geoff asked.
The pig simply nods instead of stammering, and within a moment of silence, he let out a loud KIAI! As he continuously beats the torso silly, pieces of gel starts flying as the glowing sticks strike with a painful sounding blow. When he finally finished, the whole torso was a bleeding mess. The chest shows that several of the ribs are broken, the jaw is shattered with several teeth missing, and skull is completely cracked.
"That was awesome!" Geoff roared excitedly "You taught that gel torso a lesson he'll never forget!"
"Shucks, it's was n-n-nothing." The pig replied humbly.
"Unlike the Yakuza's nunchucks which took several strikes to crack the skull, you were able to crack the skull in a single blow." Max said while showing everyone the high-speed footage in painful slow-mo. "Unlike its wooden ancestor, the laser model was hardened to lethality and the chain's rotational speed has increased to maximum proficiency."
"As you can see the cracked ribs can rupture the internal organs such as the heart and lungs," Dr. Dorian said while examining the wounds. "But you took one step further with the shattering of the jaw, and topped it off with the cracking of the skull. Sad to say, the guy will be dying of the worst headache of his life."
"And all in under 20 seconds I might add." The Martian Commander added.
"Well, my dad doesn't need a weapon to stop the bad guys." Gosalyn boasted. "His body is already the weapon he needs."
"So, can you show us his moves?" Max asked.
"Sure, my dad taught me some of his fighting skills over the time." She said enthusiastically.
Narrator: Team Darkwing brought Martial Arts to the picture, to show that a true warrior fights with no weapon.
Gosalyn then walks up to a training dummy while wearing special gloves and boots that'll give the little girl strength of Darkwing Duck himself.
"Alright Gosalyn, the testing dummy is strapped with sensors that'll tell how much PSI you're doing to it." Geoff explained. "I want you to tear the dummy up, so are you ready?"
"As ready as I'll ever be!"
"Then beat the stuffing out him!"
The girl begins to pummel the dummy with lightening speed punches and kicks; Launchpad cheers her on as the crew howls in excitement on how well Gosalyn was taught. Then, pint-size fighter was able the throw the larger dummy over her shoulder, and lands on its chest while continuingly punching savagely in the face. Finally, Gosalyn finishes off with another throw ending with a loud thud.
"Amazing! You were brutal out there." Geoff said. "According to the data, the gloves that gives you his strength has the same PSI as a Black Belt in Karate."
"Take a look at this high-speed footage," Max added clocking the time. "Not only were you able to strong, but you were quick too, about 14 meters per second."
"That's the same amount of punching speed as Chuck Liddell when he tested for the gladiator." Geoff said with amazement. "DW may act like a moron at times but his punches can break most facial bones on contact."
When Doctor Dorian checked the wounds, the news was revealed.
"The guy is dead, the beatings were too much for him." He announced. "Broken bones, depressed skulls, and simple head trauma."
"But look at the time it took to finish him off." The Martian Commander pointed out. "According to your data the nunchucks has killed the opponent in less than 20 seconds, but the fists took a full minute."
After going through the analysis, he was correct…
"Hate to disappoint you kid, but he's right." Max said regrettably to the equally disappointed girl. "But speed wins in close-range, so the edge goes to the Nunchucks."
Narrator: Edge goes to Duck Dodger's Nunchucks over the quicker ability to kill than simple fists.
Edge: Duck Dodgers
Narrator: Hoping to win the final edge, Team Darkwing Duck brought his iconic vehicle. The Thunderquack Jet designed by Launchpad himself. It soars through the skies of Saint Canard in Darkwing's image.
In an airfield, Launchpad enters the Duckbill shaped jet-plane, and took off immediately after Geoff gave the signal. While soaring through the sky, radio controlled airplanes appeared out of nowhere, and assumed chase. Meanwhile Launchpad skilfully turn the plane around and fired upon the enemy aircraft, shooting down one by one using the jet's missiles, destroying all of them in oblivion.
Three more enemy planes came behind him, but before they can counter attack. The Thunderquack barrel rolled away from the enemy gunfire and destroyed all of them with the jet's auto cannon. Flaming wreckage crashed into the barren earth as the flying duckbill is the sole ruler of the sky.
Geoff and Max hooted excitedly at the pilot's skills and the destruction of the enemy aircraft.
After the one-sided dogfight, Launchpad landed the jet…not so safely, as the Thunderquack narrowly hits the people in the ground before nearly crashing into a radio tower by a mere inch…but luckily for the cast and crew, no one was hurt aside the jet's scratches.
"Err, I was meant to do that." The pilot responded sheepishly.
"Well, not counting losing our lives in the process the jet has the same speed and firepower of the F-22 Raptor at a Mach 2.25 (1550 mph) at altitude." Max said while showing them the computer. "In other words, it's really, really fast and really, really powerful."
"I'll admit, the earth aircraft is an impressive weapon." Marvin said with an approving nod. "Very impressive indeed, but we have something else literally and figuratively in our sleeves.
Narrator: Team Dodgers has brought in a special guest, none other than Hal Jordan, the Green Lantern of Earth.
"The Green Lantern Corps has given me permission to test out the ring." Hal Jordan said. "But instead of boring you all with a lecture, I'll show the ring's power to you."
Hal flew through the air in a same pose as a certain colleague from Krypton. While floating in the blue sky, three planes sent out to defeat the Green Lantern. But before the aircraft can attack, the Green Lantern fires out a green beam of light from his trademark ring. One of the planes was caught in a green bubble emanating from the ring, and in a single swing, Hal swung his arm like a tennis racquet swatting the remaining two down before crashing into the earth.
Three more planes flew behind him firing away, but Hal blocked the gunfire away by forming a green wall before catching all three of them encasing them in a green bubble. The green orb suddenly shrinks smaller and smaller before crushing the planes, imploding safely inside the tiny green bubble.
As the Green Lantern descended down to earth, the team cheered for the Green Lantern.
"Now that's a superpower, not only you can almost do anything with the ring but you can defend yourself with it." Geoff said.
"The ring is sweet and all, but we can still out fly you away." Gosalyn reminded them. "Dad fought guys with superpowers before and he can defeat them again."
"But we can still c-c-c-c-catch you when we s-s-s-spot you." The Space Cadet defended.
"It's tough to decide to call an edge for this one." Geoff announced. "Granted the Tunderquack shows cababilities to kill but so did the Green Lantern Ring."
Narrator: Both the Thunderquack and the Green Lantern Ring has shown equal versatility, so neither one gets the edge.
Edge: Even
Narrator: Testing is now complete; it is time to who is more superior. We now upload the data gathered from the tests into a battle simulation, developed by Slitherine Studios. To avoid a lucky shot, we will simulate the battle a thousand times on a battle between the two ducks.
"Both have big egos and big weapons," Max Geiger said. "Now it's time to show who's the deadliest warrior."
Max presses the button to start and the Simulation begins.
Simulation: Duck Dodgers was wandering in the abandoned city streets, patrolling by himself from the orders of the Galactic Protectorate when a purple smoke appeared out of nowhere.
"What in heck's name is going on?" Dodgers muttered to himself as a voice is heard while the smoke is clearing away.
"I am the terror that flaps in the night, I am the geek who keeps sending you Spam! I am Darkwing Duck!"
"And I don't care who you are bub." Dodgers said rolling his eyes. "But by the way you're dressed, I say you're a thief, and a bad one I might add since you're calling out your presence."
"Uh no you're not!" Darkwing snapped, insulted by Dodgers' banter. "First off you've not heard of me and accuse me of a thief but now you're insulting my signature entry?"
"Yeah!"
"Well, if it's a fight you want then so be it!"
Darkwing Duck aimed his gas gun and fired a canister towards the black bird. Dodgers in turn, fired back with his Laser Pistol as Darkwing Duck falls back. The canister that Darkwing fired previously released tear gas, causing Duck Dodgers into a coughing and gagging fit. Dodgers began to fire wilding away his pistol hoping to get a lucky shot, and were soon able to escape from the gas cloud. But once he escaped from the cloud he then encountered Darkwing Duck firing out a boxing glove, knocking out his pistol.
Duck Dodgers then pulled out his laser nunchucks and spin wildly while charging towards Darkwing Duck who was too busy reloading his gas gun. By the time the hero of Saint Canard has finished, the Gas Gun was destroyed out of his hands. He was able to back flip away from the spinning laser sticks and was able to keep up until Dodgers got lucky and struck DW in the temple. Dazed but not out, Saint Canard's hero side-sweeps Dodgers' feet making him trip. But as DW charges toward Dodgers, the Galactic Protector hits Darkwing Duck in the shin.
Darkwing hops away in pain but manages to punch Dodgers in the stomach, keeling him over in pain. Followed by a powerful kick in the bill that sends the black duck flying. Duck Dodger begins to frantically run over to pick up his laser pistol, Darkwing Duck spotted this and pulls out his grappling hook. The caped mallard swung and threw the hook towards the black duck, latching him against his heels. Even though the penetration wasn't deep, it was still enough for Dodgers to yelp in pain. As Darkwing Duck pulled Duck Dodgers to his direction, the latter begins to the cling to the asphalt for his dear life as claw marks formed.
But when Darkwing Duck reeled him in however, he was in a surprise waiting for him. Duck Dodgers hid his gun the whole time, and open fired three times. The first shot went through his fedora hat, leaving a noticeable mark in the middle, as DW was lucky that his head barely missed. With the second shot grazed his right shoulder causing him to hiss in pain, and the third and final shot cut the hook's rope off. Dodgers aimed at Darkwing Duck and pulled the trigger once more but only hear a deafening "click" instead.
Duck Dodgers began to face away from Darkwing Duck and starts his jetpack; the exhaust lets a roar of flames behind the Saint Canard defender as he barely rolls away in time. He realized the cape was on fire and continues to roll away to extinguish the flames as he follows pursuit of the Galactic Protector.
"Let's get dangerous…" He said after picking himself up.
Thinking he gotten away, Dodgers let out a sigh of relief as he slowed the jetpack down. His soaring away peacefully was short lived however as he looked behind a purple jet shaped like a grimacing Duck's face screaming towards him. Panicking, Duck Dodgers tried to do a barrel roll only for the Thunderquack to barrel roll back. Despite the countless, fruitless attempts to perform evasive action, the jet keep getting closer as the jet's guns fired upon him as. One of the bullets was able to hit the jetpack's engine, causing the hero of 24½ century to spiral out of control.
He begins to scream and shout, as anyone will do when they lose control before luckily crash landing into a pile of soft dirt. To his convenience he saw his own ship and stumbled towards his ship hoping to find in trump card in time. Duck Dodgers managed to climb into his ship and was able to pick up the Green Lantern's ring along with its lantern. With no time to lose, Dodgers begins to recite the Green Lantern Oath…
"In blackest day, in brightest night…watermelon cantaloupe...err, yadda yadda…err superstitious and cowardly lot with liberty and justice for all."
Meanwhile, Darkwing Duck believed that he won begins to lay back in victory before he spotted the ship as he guessed correctly that it belonged to his opponent from the 24½ Century. Thinking that it'll contain some useful weapons and equipment for his future to fight crime. DW dived closer for a landing but unknownst to him, a green bubble engulfs the jet all the sudden. The said green bubble emanating from the ring of the Green Lantern Dodgers, before Darkwing Duck even had a thought of escaping or even surviving, Dodgers slams the Thunderquack down exploding on contact. Fire and debris rains from the wreckage of the grimacing metal duck's face.
Realizing that he killed his opponent, Dodgers begin to yell a victorious "Woo-hoo!" and flies off.
Winner: Duck Dodgers
Narrator: Out of a thousand battles, Duck Dodgers had won the 652 of the kills with the laser pistol at 341 kills while the Darkwing Duck only won with 348 with the Thunderquack jet at 300 kills. This is due to the fact that despite Dodgers' incompetence, most of his weapons give guarantee kills. While Darkwing Duck can be a fearsome opponent when getting dangerous, most of his weapons only subdue or injure at best.
Darkwing Duck's kills: 348
Martial Arts: 3
Grappling Hook: 5
Gas Gun: 39
Thunderquack: 300
Duck Dodgers' kills: 652
Nunchakus: 9
Jetpack: 2
Laser Pistol: 341
Green Lantern Ring: 300
Discussion at the fight club, the teams talked about the results…
"Even though Darkwing Duck is a great fighter, his weapons meant to subdue, and not kill." Geoff said from the results. "I'm not surprised if even someone like Dodgers with weapons that kill will win."
"I was quite surprised that Dodgers won," The Martian Commander said. "He is full of surprises, full of surprises indeed."
"Bah, Dodgers got lucky!" Gosayln muttered bitterly. "He's only lucky because of his ring and we'll show him next time when we'll bring the Justice Ducks around!"
The end!
Next battle: reader's choice of the next battle:
The Locust Horde vs The Chimera
Or
Sector V of Codename: Kids Next Door Vs The Brotherhood of Mutants of X-men Evolution.
Author's note: If you're mad that your favourite character lost, then tough crap. I said it's for entertainment and I'll repeat it again and again.
Anyone interested for me making more fight requests. Just comment away! Criticisms are accepted as long as they are CONSTRUCTIVE. Meaning tell me why you don't like about it (But if you're a fan and still got pissed despite the warnings earlier, then you're an idiot.) or what I need to improve
