A/N: Well this chapter ended up a lot longer than I'd planned. Thank you for your comments, favorites, and follows. I'm very happy to know you are all enjoying this. I hope this next piece doesn't disappoint.
January 2008
"I have to cancel," Brian was on the phone, sitting in his office at Kinnetik, about to lose one of his top accounts over another scandal involving a model.
"What about our plans? Do you know how hard it was to get these reservations?" Justin was obviously less than pleased on the other end of the line.
"I'm about to lose my biggest fucking account," Brian was weary. He didn't have the patience to deal with Justin's neediness. "And if I do, you can kiss my visits to New York goodbye forever."
"Jesus Brian, don't be so fucking hyperbolic," Justin hissed through the phone and Brian sighed sadly.
After spending Christmas in Toronto, Brian had felt emotionally distressed and very confused. He had never thought he would feel so heartbroken leaving Gus behind and he had never thought he'd feel like a creepy old man stealing Justin's youth away but after that trip, he felt both – and strongly.
Brian was in deep – there were too many people in his life he loved too much and the pain of that love hurt him. He missed the carefree days of his twenties when all he cared about was who and where his next trick would be and while he and Justin still had their "arrangement", he was pretty sure Justin didn't do much fucking around. Not that Brian necessarily wanted him too, but knowing he was in that huge city, a city that never went to sleep, pining for Brian and wanting things that Brian still didn't know he'd ever be willing or able to give...well, the guilt it stirred in him was entirely new and awful and Brian hated every moment of it.
Justin had always wanted marriage, a home, and a family, Brian knew that. Now though, Brian couldn't help but feel like he was forcing Justin to give up on the things he wanted in his life. Brian knew he could get married. Hell they almost had – but the reason for it hadn't been right. He could see it being right eventually...he just had no idea when that might be and it wasn't fair to make Justin wait. To make him spend his prime years with a much older man who at times still behaved like a petulant child.
Oh yes. Brian knew his behavior at times was unquestionably immature. And he was trying to be more mature...but years of bad parenting and selfish habits were hard to break overnight. When Justin first came into his life is when Brian noticed things beginning to change. A fucking 17-year old had to show Brian how to truly care for another human being.
Well, Justin, and the birth of Gus.
Brian had watched Justin and Gus over the days they were in Toronto. He saw plainly on Justin's face how much he loved that kid and Brian knew inside he was questioning whether fatherhood would ever be in his future. Brian could easily imagine marrying Justin, and sometimes Brian could even imagine them raising a child together. But he also loved his freedom too much and as horrible as it made him feel a very, very small part of him was glad to leave Gus with the lesbians and get back to his life.
God, he was a horrible man, lover, and father.
After spending New Year's in the city with Justin - with a noticeably uncomfortable awkwardness between them - Brian had returned to Pittsburgh resigned to let Justin go in hopes that he would meet someone who could (and would) give him everything he deserved. Brian wasn't sure it would work...Justin was stubborn. But he had to try.
"Justin," Brian started, almost choking on his name. This would be harder than he'd thought, and Brian hated himself for what he was about to do.
"Brian," Justin said back, his tone angry.
They'd had these plans for Valentine's Day set since last October and Brian knew he was being a shit. But he had to be; the work emergency was real, but this also gave him the opportunity to do what he'd been planning to do for several weeks.
"I can't do this anymore," Brian said, trying to betray as little emotion as possible.
"You can't do what?" Justin asked slowly, and Brian could hear fear and hesitation in his voice.
Shit.
"This. What we're doing right now. You're missing out on getting the things you want because of me," Brian paused, taking a deep breath, "because I won't, give them to you."
Silence.
"I don't know if I ever will be able too," Brian added.
"What the hell are you talking about?" Justin's tone was now panicked, "We can reschedule our plans."
"It's not just the plans. It's everything. You deserve more than what I will give you," Brian paused to take deep breath.
"So don't call me because I won't pick up. Don't knock on my door because I won't answer. Don't write me because I won't read it," Brian felt his eyes pricking with the threat of tears.
"I love you, but this is it."
"Stop it Brian, this isn't funny," Justin now sounded on the verge of hysterics. "All I've ever wanted was you. Anything else is just extra. Please, Brian."
"I'm sorry," Brian said, hanging up the phone even as he heard Justin calling his name. Disconnecting the land-line from the wall, he pulled his cell from his pocket and turned it off too.
It was done. So why didn't he feel any better?
April 2008
The first few weeks after their last phone call, Justin tried calling him several times a day. Brian easily avoided the calls and erased all the messages without listening to them. As time passed the calls came less often. Then one day they stopped. The women in Brian's life, Mel, Linds, Debbie, Jennifer, and Daphne all attempted to reason with Brian about what he'd done. But he shut them out too, refusing to talk to them if they brought him up. Michael, who had never really warmed to Justin, didn't say anything and a part of Brian resented that his best friend didn't try at least once to reason with him over his decision. But with the way Brian had treated the advice of his friends over time, it really wasn't that surprising.
And for awhile he felt okay.
By the time Justin had stopped calling, he was all Brian could think about. He wondered if he was dating, or with someone, or in love again. He regretted his decision while at the same time he felt it had been the right thing for him to too. And while his regret won out most days he was far too prideful and stubborn to ever change his mind; not that he wanted to change his mind. He really felt he was right. Justin deserved to be with someone his own age, who would give him all the things he wanted. But damn if Brian didn't miss him. Miss kissing him. Miss fucking him. Miss holding him after. They fit together so well. The rough and tumble awkwardness of one-night stands had lost almost all of its charm for Brian.
One night in early April, several weeks after the last call from Justin, Brian came home after a long day of meetings to find Daphne sitting on his stoop. She looked upset and fear immediately gripped Brian.
"What happened?" He asked before she could say anything.
"There was an accident-," Daphne started and Brian felt his legs go weak beneath him.
"Is he okay?" Brian interrupted, panicked and ready to sprint all the way to New York City if he had too.
"No! Oh God. Justin is fine. It's Molly," Daphne reached a hand out and grabbed Brian's arm.
"Fuck, Daphne!" Brian fell against the side of the building, the aftershocks of adrenaline making him feel faint.
"I'm sorry!" Daphne put her hands to her face.
"Molly? What happened." Brian slid down the wall until he was crouching on the balls of his feet. Daphne sat back on the steps of the stoop.
"Car accident. It's pretty serious. She's in critical condition with internal injuries. They aren't sure if she'll make it."
"Is he there? At the hospital?" Brian asked, staring out into the empty street.
"Yes," Daphne replied, her one word answer was all that Brian needed to hear.
Brian stood slowly, offering his hand to help Daphne up.
"Let's go."
Daphne dropped Brain off before she went to park the car. Navigating the halls of the hospital, Brian was reminded of the two significant times he'd been there; Gus's birth and Justin's bashing.
Rounding the corner and coming up on the ICU, Brian stopped short as he saw Justin, alone, sitting in one of the hard-backed chairs with his head in his hands. Brian's heart raced and he hoped that something hadn't happened in the time that Daphne came to get him. He couldn't see Justin's face, so he moved forward slowly, trying to read the situation though there were no clues. Glancing around, Brian didn't see Jennifer anywhere, and oddly that was comforting. Surely if something had happened to Molly, she wouldn't leave Justin alone.
Brian was about 10 feet from him when he sat up suddenly. His face was blotchy and Brian could see he'd been crying. In that moment Brian was thrust back in time, remembering when he sat in a similar hard-backed chair while Justin fought for his life in the same ICU where Molly now was. A wave of emotion came over him as he recalled the desperation and helplessness he'd felt; what he was sure Justin felt now.
That was when Justin saw him.
Brian watched as a range of emotions crossed Justin's features. His eyes widened in surprise as his mouth quirked in an attempt at a smile. Then his expression cleared and Brian saw the disappointment and hurt he'd inflicted. Then his eyes fell, the lines of his face smoothed, and Brian saw only the need for comfort.
"How is she," he crossed the last bit of distance between them in three large steps, sinking into the chair next to Justin and grasping one of his hands. They were ice cold.
"No change. Still unconscious and still fighting to live. They won't tell me anything else," Justin spoke softly, both his hands grasping at Brian's. He'd have to pry Justin's fingers apart to get his hand back, but that was okay.
"What happened?"
Justin shook his head and looked at Brian with a bitter smile.
"She was driving to meet her friends at the movies when some asshole ran a red light and t-boned her on the driver's side of her car."
"Fuck," Brian whispered, glancing down the hallway that led to the rooms where the ICU patients were.
"How'd you-," Justin started, but Brian cut him off.
"Daphne."
"I wanted to call you," Justin said after a short silence.
Brian just nodded. Justin wanted to call him but he knew Brian wouldn't answer. Fuck.
"I'm sorry," Brian said, using his free hand to run his fingers through Justin's hair; to cup his cheek; to smooth away his tears.
"Sorry's bullshit," Justin said, his tone mocking.
Brian wanted to laugh at his trademark saying being thrown back in his face, but he didn't. Justin was right, sorry was bullshit – but not when the proffered apology was for something he was actually guilty of.
"Besides what the hell are you sorry for? For being a complete asshole once again, or for what happened to Molly? Because you're only responsible for one of those things," Justin replied.
Brian heard a bitter anger in his tone and knew he deserved it. He was a right shit to Justin, and he wondered if he'd ever learn how to just be normal, to treat people in his life like normal.
"Justin -," Brian started but the younger man just shook his head.
"You can't keep doing this to me," Justin said, his eyes welling up again. "You push me away, you pull me back, you push me away, you pull me back. I'm not a fucking yo-yo."
"I know," Brian said quietly, wondering how he'd ever thought it was a good idea to push Justin away to begin with.
"You need to talk to me. Tell me what's going on with you because that's what partners do. They talk. They deal with shit together. Freezing me out was a shitty thing to do. All I want to do is be with you and be there for you."
"I know," Brian repeated.
"I can't-," Justin started, but then stopped suddenly. Brain saw the blood drain from his face and his eyes were fixed on something over Brian's shoulder. Turning to see what had elicited such a reaction from Justin, Brian felt his own brand of shock at the sight of Craig Taylor walking down the ICU hallway towards them.
"What the fuck…," Brian turned to look at Justin, his free hand back at his hair, his face, his neck. "Are you okay?"
"I haven't seen him since he had me arrested outside his store," Justin murmured. "I didn't even know he was here."
Brian heard the ICU doors swing open and he could feel the stare of the homophobic, bigoted asshole behind him. He kept his eyes on Justin though, taking his cues from him, following his lead. Brian wanted nothing more than leap up and beat the shit out of the man, but he held back. It was hard to do.
"How is she?" Justin asked. He was still looking over Brian's shoulder. There was a long silence, and Brian could see impatience clouding Justin's expression.
"How is she?" he repeated, more forcefully.
Brian turned in his chair and leveled his gaze on Justin's father, channeling his inner-Rage to try and make the man answer the damn question. Craig only stared, his eyes moving between the two of them as his expression betrayed his obvious anger and disgust. Brian was sure Craig never thought he'd see Justin with him again. He almost felt a perverse pleasure at what he must be thinking seeing Brian sitting there, holding Justin's hands in his.
"Answer the fucking question you piece of shit," Brian spat at Craig and he did feel a moment of glee when the man flinched at his words.
"They say she'll be okay," he replied stiffly, talking to them as if they were strangers. Brian had never been close to his father, but he knew how hard Craig's rejection had been for Justin and so watching the man treat his son so despicably even now, Brian felt physically ill. He hadn't hated anyone so much since that fucker Chris Hobbs had bashed Justin in the head.
It was in that moment, too, that Brian realized how he'd treated Justin, both recently and over the years, was really no different. He had been the fucker; the abuser; the basher. It was a harsh realization to come too. Brian never wanted to be included in the company of Chris Hobbs or Craig Taylor – but he had treated Justin terribly, so many times. He promised himself he would stop. He would be cognizant of his behavior, and treat Justin how he deserved.
Turning his gaze back to Justin, Brian saw relief colored with sadness and disappointment in his face.
"Good," Justin moved his eyes to meet Brian's and without warning, he leaned in and placed his mouth on Brian's. Brian had missed Justin's touch and he responded immediately to the kiss, pulling Justin to him and moving his tongue, trying to taste as much of him as he could. They were like that for several minutes before they pulled apart. Justin laughed when they did.
"He's gone," Justin said to Brian's questioning look.
Sure enough, when Brian looked back Craig Taylor was gone.
"I don't think I'll be seeing him again," Justin said sadly.
"I'm sorry for that, Sunshine," Brian meant it, too.
Justin nodded, smiling slightly at Brian's use of his nickname. The two men looked at each other for several minutes. They said nothing out loud, yet an entire conversation seemed to pass between them.
Brian knew in that moment that Justin was irrevocably a part of his life. And having that realization was both comforting and life-changing. He felt himself, in that moment, transform from the Brian Kinney he was before. He felt renewed, and he was anxious to see where this new Brian would go – with Justin at his side of course.
"I love you, Brian, more than anything else in my life; I have for a long time and I'll put up with a lot but God help me, you do this shit to me one more time and that is it. Forever," Justin leveled his blue eyes at him and Brian felt a fear more potent than any he'd felt before, seize him.
"I understand."
