Chapter Eight: I Pray On Christmas
Christmas morning dawned bright and early for Dean and Cas, they were awoken at seven thirty by an excited little girl, she pounced on their bed, excitedly calling out to them. "Daddy! Papa!" She squealed, and Dean groaned. There was a pile of presents for her under their very real tree. Dean had been glad to have a child to buy things for. He rolled over, poking Cas in the side. Cas was a deep sleeper. Dean was waiting excitedly to see what Ellen and John had gotten for his daughter, John had been overjoyed to have a child to buy for, too. "Wake up, sunshine, your daughter is awake." Dean said, his voice groggy.
Dean let Frankie pull him from the bed, and he reached for a threadbare robe he'd had since high school and pulled it on. It had been John's father's, and it had gotten passed down to him when he was four, John had told him to hang on to it till it fit him. Henry had died before Dean was born. Dean had to walk by the bed to get it, and he jiggled Cas' feet. "Up!" He said, and finally got a groan from his husband. Dean let Frankie lead him out of the room. "Hold on, Frankie, Daddy's going to start the coffee maker. And Papa doesn't want to miss anything."
They had discussed it, and they had decided she could open presents before they made her eat breakfast. Cas was planning on making French toast and eggs, Frankie loved French toast. Dean wondered if Cas was going to want to go to church, sometimes he went. Dean just couldn't believe in God. He thought it was adorable that Cas did though. Dean wished he could just have that kind of blind faith. He worked on starting the coffee maker, and Frankie climbed up onto her booster seat.
"Daddy, can I have some Cocoa Puffs before we open presents?"
Dean turned to look at her in surprise. "Um, sure, sweetheart, let me get it for you." Dean moved to get her a bowl of cereal, her favorite was Cocoa Puffs, they always had to have a box on hand, but it was Dean's favorite too. They tended to get the biggest box they could from Sam's. Cas came shuffling into the kitchen in his horrible Santa Claus pjs, they were soft and in a sweatpant material. "I started coffee, sunshine." Dean told him, setting a bowl of cereal in front of Frankie, pouring some milk in it.
Cas kissed Dean and said, "Bless you for starting the coffee maker." He said, and leaned down to kiss Frankie on the cheek. Cas was surprised that Frankie was eating breakfast before opening presents. He was glad it was just cereal, she might eat some of the French toast he was going to cook. Cas loved French toast, and he knew that Dean did also. Cas wished the coffee maker was faster, and he wondered if Dean was going to like the big present he'd gotten for him. He had found a leather jacket that one of the members of Led Zeppelin had worn for years on ebay for sale. Cas had been shocked, and it was cheaper than he had thought it would be.
He knew that Dean was going to love it. Cas didn't know how he could be happier. He still hadn't told Dean about the rape yet, but he was getting closer. He had told Dean that there was something about his past he needed to tell him, but that it was hard for him to talk about and that's why he hadn't told him yet. Dean had kissed him and told him that it was okay. He could tell him when he was ready. Cas felt immeasurably better about it now. He was glad that he had at least told him that there was something he had to tell him. Cas brushed some of his hair off his forehead and watched his daughter shoveling Cocoa Puffs in her mouth.
"You better be hungry when it's time to eat French toast." He told her, running his hand through her long brown hair. She just gave him a grin and told him that she would. Cas yawned and decided he wasn't going to wait for the coffee maker, he was going to have instant. Cas hummed Santa Claus is Coming To Town as he moved to get out a coffee mug and filled it with water.
"Impatient." Dean said, stroking Cas' side as he walked past him, going for a bagel. He was a bottomless pit, he could stuff himself quite a bit if he wanted to. He took a bite of it, and watched as Frankie finished her cereal and moved to the sink, there was a step stool for her so that she could put her dishes there. They didn't let her put them in the dishwasher herself. She poured the milk out and ran some water in the bowl. Dean was very proud of her. Of course, he was the Oscar Madison to Cas' Felix Unger, though. Dean wasn't one to clean things automatically. It drove Cas crazy.
"Come on, Daddy!" Frankie said, tugging on Dean's robe pocket. Dean looked down at her. "Wait for Papa's coffee, it's instant so it won't take as long as the coffee maker." He told her, and she let out a sigh. Dean watched as Cas set to work making his coffee, the microwave had dinged. Dean watched her as she toyed with the sleeves of her Princess Belle pjs. They were footie pajamas, and he was glad that they'd gotten them for her, she was growing like a weed.
Frankie hovered around Cas until he was finished with the coffee and then she grabbed them both by the hands and dragged them to the living room. She squealed with delight when she saw the presents that were piled in one corner by the tree. She knew they were hers because they were wrapped in Disney princess wrapping paper. Cas, in some of his many qualities, was able to wrap things with proficiency. Dean was not one who was able to do that kind of thing.
Cas turned on some music, he loved Bing Crosby. Dean honestly wasn't surprised, Cas wasn't exactly a stereotype gay, but he did like a few things that you would expect a gay man to like. Dean watched her immediately begin to tear into them, and he watched as Cas settled on the couch, setting his coffee on a coaster. Dean was always getting him annoyed because he never used coasters. Dean stood, and went to get Cas' big present. He had cashed in some of the money he'd saved to get Cas a new laptop. The one he had was a few years old and it was temperamental. Dean had been so excited to find him one that he knew Cas would like. It was even a pretty color, it was blue.
"I know we were gonna wait till the munchkin opened all of hers, but I want you to open this now." Dean said, he had wrapped it horribly in Minions paper, Cas loved that movie.
Cas looked at Dean, and he took the present. "You wrapped it in Minions paper." He said, smiling. He set the present on the side of the couch and moved to get Dean's big present, he had wrapped it in Iron Man wrapping paper, even if Dean would never admit it out loud, Iron Man was his favorite superhero. He set the present on Dean's lap. "You go first." He said, he couldn't wait to see the look on Dean's face. It was John Bonham's jacket. It came with an official letter that was signed by someone in his family that was selling it. Cas didn't know which member of the band he was, but he knew Dean was going to lose his mind.
He watched Dean tear into the paper that he had carefully spread across the present, and he set his eyes on the jacket, and then he caught sight of the letter. His eyes lit up. "Cas, you did not get me this!" He said, and Cas grinned. "I knew you'd love it. I was looking for some old vinyl on Ebay and I found that they were selling that." He said, he had gotten him a few albums too, but he didn't want to give that surprise away, those were over under the tree. He was immediately laughing as Dean covered his face in kisses.
"I can't believe you got this for me, Castiel Winchester, you spent way too much on me." Dean said, he'd gotten Cas' laptop on Black Friday and he'd gotten a very good deal. Dean leaned and kissed him again. "I can't believe you got me John Bonham's jacket." He said, his voice in awe. Dean loved Led Zeppelin, it was one of his favorite bands. Dean couldn't believe he was holding the drummer of Led Zeppelin's jacket. He was going to wear it all the time. Dean loved leather jackets.
"Okay, open yours." Dean said, and kissed Cas again. "I love you, this was the perfect present." He said, and set the box aside, so he could watch Cas open his present. "I promise, you'll love it." He said. He glanced over at his daughter, who was finished with all of her presents and was playing with the ones she'd managed to get open without parental help, and then he turned back to his husband. "Come on, open it." Dean said, he was sitting on the edge of the couch he was so excited for Cas to open the present.
Cas took a moment to appreciate the horrible wrapping job Dean had done, and opened the package. "Oh my God, Dean WInchester!" He said, his eyes widening as he took in the beautiful blue laptop. It was a Mac, and he was surprised that Dean had known what kind of laptop he liked. Cas loved how Dean knew what his favorite color was too. Cas brushed his hand over the box, amazed. "You did good, Dean. I can't…. I can't believe it. I've needed a new laptop for forever." He said, looking at the box in awe. He couldn't wait to open it and charge it up. Cas couldn't wait to start writing his articles and things on a laptop that wouldn't overheat while he was in the middle of a streak.
Leaning over, he kissed Dean. "You are the best husband that a man could ask for." He said, he wasn't sure that he could have done better than Dean. He was amazing. Cas moved to get some of Dean's other presents, and they spent the next half hour or so opening things, and then Cas left Dean to put on his Van Halen vinyl and he went to start breakfast. Frankie was in the corner watching Finding Dory on Cas' old laptop, which Cas had told her she could watch movies on if she was a good girl. She was using her new Belle headphones and was as happy as a clam.
Later that afternoon, John, Ellen, Sam, and Jo all showed up at the house. Lucy had given her gifts to Frankie the day before, she had some friends she was spending the day with, Charlie had insisted that she not go see her. Frankie ran at John as soon as she saw him. "Grandpa! Santa came and brought me so many presents!" She squealed, as he swung her up into his arms. She was dressed in a pair of jeans and a Santa Claus sweater. She wrapped her arms around his neck joyfully. John and Ellen had brought over huge bags of presents that Dean and Sam were bringing in.
"I know he did sweetheart, because you are a good girl." John said, his tone softening as he looked into the face of his granddaughter. She was the most precious angel in the entire world according to John. John bounced her on his hip. Cas was in the kitchen cooking, and he knew that. "Castiel, we're all here! Come and open gifts." He called out, and smiled at his son in law when he came out of the kitchen wearing a kiss the cook apron. He was wearing a pair of jeans, a white dress shirt, and a red and green sweater vest. "You look handsome, Castiel." John said, he didn't call Cas Cas very often.
"Thanks, Dad." Cas said, leaning to kiss his father in law's grizzly cheek. He leaned and hugged Ellen and Jo, and hugged Sam. John held onto Frankie as they all settled in the living room. Dean moved to start passing out gifts to his parents and Jo and Sam, and Sam was dishing out gifts for Dean, Cas, and Frankie from the rest of them. Frankie settled in on John's lap and eagerly accepted presents from Ellen. Bobby was even coming, he was coming for dinner. Dean had been glad to invite him, Cas knew. He liked the wizened old man, he thought he was a good man.
John said, "Hold on, everyone, Ellen and I have an announcement." He shared a look with his girlfriend, who was sitting next to him on the couch. The kids all stopped to look at him. John looked at her a moment and then turned back to the kids. "Ellen and I have decided to get married." He paused for a moment to let that sink in. Frankie looked at him confused. John touched her nose. "Your grandma Ellen and I are going to be married like your daddies." He said, and she nodded.
That's when the room erupted in exclamations, and Jo and Cas wanting to see Ellen's ring. Dean met John's eyes. "Dad, I'm really happy for you." He said, sharing a look with him. He knew that it had been a long time since John had been happy with someone. Dean liked Ellen, she was a wonderful woman. Dean brushed his hand across his scruffy chin. He looked to Ellen. "Ellen, I know that you're going to be good for Dad, and I am honored to call you my mom. I know that you're never going to try and replace Mom, but you're already family. Now it'll just be legal."
Ellen's eyes brushed with tears. She had known Dean and Sam for years, since they were young kids. She knew that they were good boys. She had been glad when John had originally asked her out, despite the fact that Jo and Sam were together, she knew that his sons would accept her and it wouldn't be like most widowers had with new women in their children's lives. "You're a good kid, Dean." She told him, and everyone proceeded to open gifts. Ellen knew she was lucky. Jo's father had died when Jo was a girl, and she had thought that she would never love again. And now she knew that she did. She watched Frankie help John open presents, before she opened her own. That was a good girl. She didn't envy Dean having to tell her about her mother when it happened.
When everyone was finished, the living room was covered in paper and Frankie was running around giggling playing with John. Cas was in the kitchen with Jo cooking. It was almost time to eat. That's when the doorbell rang, and Dean answered it happily. "Hey, Bobby." He said, stepping back to let him in. He was carrying a dish, they had told him not to worry about presents, they knew that he wasn't exactly flush. Dean was glad he'd come. "What did you bring? Cas is gonna flip, he told you not to bring anything." Dean said, as he closed the door behind Bobby.
"I made sweet potatoes, I know it's Ellen's favorite." Dean was glad that Bobby had thought of Ellen, but he wondered if Bobby had ulterior motives. He didn't think that he'd do it on purpose, but it could be subconscious on his part. Dean accepted the dish and said, "Everyone's in the living room, go on in, I'll take this into Cas." He waited until Bobby had gone into the living room, and he went into the kitchen. "Hey, Cas, Bobby brought sweet potatoes." He said, setting it on the counter. Things were almost done, and Dean was glad because he was starving.
"I told him you said not to bring anything, I swear." Dean said, he looked at Cas, who was finishing up with the mashed potatoes. Cas looked so sexy when he was cooking. Dean moved to wrap his arms around his waist. "You look so sexy when you're cooking." Dean said, pressing a kiss to Cas' neck. He loved the smell of Cas' neck, he was always wearing cologne, but there was just an innate Cas smell that he loved.
Cas shivered when he felt Dean's breath on his neck. "You're impeding the cooking process, Dean." He said, but he really didn't mind. He was so glad that Dean was in here with him. "It's time to get everything on the table, would you go and ask Sam to help, Jo?" He asked, his face still red from how close Dean was. She winked at him and headed out of the room. Cas shivered again as Dean's lips closed over his throat again. "You're starting something you can't finish, Dean Winchester." He said, turning to look at Dean.
He wasn't able to keep from kissing him though, turning in Dean's arms and wrapping his around his husband's neck. Cas didn't know what he was going to do if something happened to Dean. Cas knew he couldn't think that way when he was in his husband's arms. Cas shivered again as Dean's hands moved up under Cas' shirt and stroked the small of his back. "I love you so much, Dean." Cas said, it had truly been a magical Christmas. Before Dean could say anything more, the phone rang. Cas separated from him to answer it. "Winchester residence." He said, wondering who could be calling on Christmas. Then he heard the voice of Charlie's nurse. Oh shit. Cas wondered if he was going to want to hear what she had to say.
The whole conversation took just a couple of minutes. Cas hung up, his face white. "Dean….. That was Charlie's nurse." He said, he didn't want to have to tell him this. It had been such a good Christmas, why was this happening? Dean met his eyes, his own starting to fill with tears. Cas took a deep breath. "She's gone." He said, his voice was barely above a whisper. He knew that he was going to have to suck it up, he didn't want to ruin anyone's Christmas. How was he going to get through this? How was Dean? It wasn't fair. He was glad that the hospital had let them know, and wondered if that had been one of Charlie's directives.
The news hit Dean like a ton of bricks. He had had his issues with Charlie, of course, but he hadn't wanted this. Dean wasn't sure how they were going to make it through the rest of the holiday without letting on that they knew. Dean looked out the window, trying to form his thoughts. He wasn't sure what to say. "I don't know how we're going to get through this." He said, his voice rough with the unshed tears that he was holding back. "Frankie is going to be devastated. I know we talked about what we were going to say when it happened….. But I have no idea what to tell her."
He knew that he couldn't tell her today. He knew that he didn't want to ruin Frankie's Christmas. She was having the time of her life. It really wasn't fair. Dean brushed his hand across his chin. "Okay. We can't tell everyone right now. I can't ruin everyone's holiday." He said, shaking his head. He couldn't believe that he was going to have to tell his daughter that her mother was gone. It wasn't fair. He kept coming back to that. It wasn't something he had thought would really happen. Charlie had been a fighter. It was one of the things that had drawn Dean to her in the first place.
"We've got to do our best to put on a happy face. I can't do that to Frankie." Dean said, taking a deep breath and swallowing the lump that was rising in his throat. Dean wrapped his arms around Cas and hugged him, his head going to Cas' neck. He took a deep sniff of his husband, and he started to feel that he was calming down. Dean wasn't looking forward to telling Frankie, but he knew they could make it through the dinner and the rest of the holiday. Dean knew that he could. He would do it for his daughter. She deserved a good Christmas.
"What's wrong?" Jo asked, as she and Sam came into the kitchen. She could feel the tension in the room. Jo watched as Dean lifted his head to look at her. He'd been crying. Jo wondered what was going on. "Dean?" She asked, stepping closer. Dean shook his head, and she knew he wasn't going to say anything. Jo shared a look with Cas, who also shook his head. He put on a brave smile and told them what to grab to take to the table. Jo knew something was wrong, and she knew that they weren't going to be able to hide it for too long. Dean's hands were shaking as he reached for the bowl of potatoes.
As soon as Dean and Cas had walked out of the kitchen, Jo turned to Sam. "Something is wrong, Sam. I'm worried." She said, and Sam touched her shoulder. Jo let him for a moment and then said, "Come on, let's not ruin anyone's Christmas." She said, grabbing the rolls and the sweet potatoes Bobby had brought. She was glad he'd brought them, actually, Cas hadn't been planning on making any. It was her mother's favorite. Jo wondered if it was Charlie. It was the only thing she could think of. There was nothing else that it could be, no one else would be calling on Christmas. If it was something that was related to Dean, it would have been that he'd gotten a heart. Nothing else had happened to him, other than he was supposed to be taking it easy.
The dinner table was crowded and noisy, and Dean watched everyone quietly. Frankie was holding court in the middle of John and Cas, whenever John was over they couldn't get her away from him. She was totally enamored with him. Dean couldn't stop thinking about the fact that he was going to have to tell her that her mother was gone. He still didn't know what he was going to say about it. They hadn't decided on the best way. Dean had thought they'd have more time to decide. Dean didn't know the best way to tell her. He did know what it was like to lose your mother, though, and he knew that he could help her through this. He had been about her age when Mary had died.
Dean wished that he didn't have to tell her. They had agreed not today, not even at her bedtime. She was so energized, Dean knew that it was going to be awhile before she got tired. Dean knew he wasn't doing a good job of projecting a good mood, he knew that he could tell that John knew something was going on. And Jo definitely knew something was up. Dean didn't know what he was going to do if one of them actually asked him again what was going on. Dean knew that Jo was going to wait, but John wasn't one to keep things to himself. He always made sure that he got Dean to talk about things he didn't want to talk about.
He excused himself, and went into the living room. It was covered in gifts, but the wrapping paper had been gathered up in a trash bag, he was definitely Felix. Dean stared out the window. It was Texas. He had lived here his entire life. Dean hadn't ever wanted to go anywhere else. He wasn't sure why anyone would want to live somewhere that wasn't Texas. Dallas was the place where all of his big milestones had happened. Dean wasn't sure what was going to happen now and it was scaring him.
"Charlie's gone, isn't she?" John said, as he entered the room. Dean turned around, and John knew as soon as he looked at him that he was right. It had taken a lot to keep Frankie in the dining room with everyone else. John folded his arms, and stepped closer to his son. "You're not so good at hiding things, Dean. You don't have to deal with this alone." John knew what it was like to have a child who lost a parent. He knew that this was a more complicated situation. He was often wondering if Lucy was going to let Dean and Cas keep Frankie. Not that she had much of a choice. Dean was Frankie's father. The Cas adopting Frankie process had already begun, too.
"You don't have to tell her right away. She's young. She's not going to be mad at you if you wait. I know Charlie set this all up so that there wasn't going to be a funeral or anything like that." John knew Dean didn't want to have to deal with this. He knew that. John didn't envy him, but he knew exactly how Dean felt. It had been the way he'd felt when he'd had to tell Dean that Mary was gone. Sam had been a baby, they hadn't had to deal with it for awhile. John didn't know what Dean was going to say, but what was there to say? A little girl's mother was gone. She was going to have to grow up without her.
"I know that you're scared to tell her. That's not going to go away, Dean. I'm going to tell you that now. It's going to get harder the more you think about it. She's young. She's not going to really understand death. What you say is important, but just know that you're going to have to do it all again when she is able to understand what happened. So what you say now isn't so important. Because you're just going to have to do it again."
Dean listened to his father, and he knew that he needed to learn to appreciate his father more. Dean wasn't able to keep his voice from wobbling when he said, "How did you do it, Dad? How did you tell me about Mom? I barely remember… but I do remember that you were so broken. I'm… it's not the same for me. I wasn't in love with Charlie. Maybe years ago I was, but I don't think I've ever been in love till Cas. But I have a child with her. I may have my issues with her, that she had my baby and didn't tell me, that she waited till she wasn't long for this world before she brought her to me…. But she's my child's mother. The only mother she is ever going to have, because Cas and I are forever."
"No matter what happens to me….. Cas is my soulmate. I know that we were meant to be together. That night that I went into Harvelle's I was just looking for a hookup…. But I found the rest of my life." Dean said, his voice wobbling. "This Christmas was perfect. Cas and I got each other the best gifts, and Frankie was totally spoiled and she thought Santa brought it all. And now I have to tell her that her mother's gone." He felt anger boiling up in his stomach. "I'm so… I am so mad at her. Why did she do this? Why did she take so long to tell me that I have a daughter? I don't know how she could do this to me. What if Frankie hates me because I'm the one who tells her? I'm dying, and I can't die with my daughter hating me."
He knew he wasn't supposed to be getting upset, and he could feel himself getting upset. He could feel a panic attack coming on. Dean didn't know what he was going to do. That was just making the panic attack worse. He tried to take a breath, and he reached out for the couch, it was closest. He didn't even know what he was going to do if he couldn't calm down. He forgot his father was even in the room. Cas was in the room and his arms were around him before Dean even knew what happened.
Cas pulled Dean to him, and shared a look with John. John had immediately gone to get him when he'd seen Dean starting to freak out. Cas held his gaze for a moment, and then John left them alone, going back to the dining room where there was still laughter going on. Cas hated that Dean was crying, and he hated that Dean was having a panic attack. "Dean. it's going to be okay." He said, Dean's face was buried in Cas' chest. He stroked Dean's back. "I don't know how we're going to get through this, but I know that we are. We will figure out what to tell our daughter." Cas said, resting his head on top of Dean's head. He held Dean close, not sure what he was going to do if Dean couldn't calm down. He had to make him calm down. He wasn't supposed to get upset like this.
Cas' heart was breaking as he listened to Dean trying to catch his breath. It was hitching, and he shouldn't be having such trouble. Cas wondered if Dean had had these panic attacks before he'd come along. Cas hated to think that he had, he hated to think of Dean freaking out and no one being there to help him calm down. Cas didn't know what he was going to do to get him to calm down. "You can't be freaking out like this, Dean. It's bad for your heart. You can't do anything about it right now. We agreed to keep it to ourselves for now. I wish that it hadn't happened, and I know you do. It's not going to be easy to tell her, but we don't have to do it today."
None of that was going to calm Dean down. Cas didn't know what he was going to say. "Dean, I know that you're having a hard time calming down…. But you have to. You have to. Do you want to die? Because if you don't, that is what is going to happen. You got a bum's rush when it comes to hearts, but until we get you a new one, and we will, you have to relax. Take deep breaths, focus on me. I'm here, I'm not going anywhere." Cas knew that Dean wasn't going to like hearing that, but it was going to help. He was sure. It was what Dean needed to hear.
"And think of this, Frankie could come in at any moment. You don't want to have her see you like t his." He said, and somehow he knew that was the exact right thing to say.
A struggling breath came out, and Dean finally started to feel like the Earth wasn't spinning too fast. He took another breath, and this one wasn't ragged. It was deep and clear. He kept his face buried in Cas' chest. He didn't know what he was going to do, but he knew that he couldn't keep this up, Cas was right. Frankie could come in and see him upset and he didn't want that. Dean wanted this to not touch her for as long as possible. Dean finally lifted his head, and looked Cas in his blue eyes, that was like looking into the sky. He didn't think there was anything quite like looking into Cas' eyes.
"I don't know what to say to her. What if she hates me? What if she takes all the anger and puts it on me? I mean, I know that she won't right now but she might later in life." Dean didn't want Frankie to hate him. He knew it was going to happen, because he had hated John at certain times in his life. He knew that Frankie was going to do the same thing. Everyone hating their parents was just something that happened. He wished that he could control more than he could, He knew that's why he was freaking out so much. He didn't have control.
Cas was glad that Dean was starting to calm down. He didn't know what he was going to do about telling Frankie either, but he knew that they would figure it out together. Cas knew that it was going to be hard, but he knew that he didn't want to obsess over what they told her. She wasn't going to be hurt if they didn't tell her right away. Cas thought they should wait till the holidays were over, she was so young and she hadn't asked after Charlie very often. Cas knew that was just because she still thought that she was just visiting Cas and Dean for awhile. Charlie had told her that she'd be visiting Dean and Cas for awhile.
"Dean, you can't worry too much about that right now. Every child goes through a phase where they hate their parents. You can't change that. It's a rite of passage. But right now, she loves you, and she will for awhile. You are an amazing father, Dean. You are going to be great. I truly believe that had you been given the opportunity before now you would have risen to the occasion. You aren't perfect, but I know that Frankie loves you. You are her father. When you can't tuck her in for whatever reason she always asks after you. I know you think that she loves me more than she loves you, but it's not true." Cas was rewarded with a soft smile playing on his husband's lips. He loved that he was able to make Dean smile.
"Daddy!" Frankie said, running into the living room. She crawled into Dean's lap. "Can I spend the night with Grandpa and Grandma?" She asked, since she had been staying with Dean and Cas she hadn't stayed away from them for a night. Dean looked at her, wondering what to say. He looked over at Cas, who gave him a look, telling him it was his decision. "It's okay with me, if it's okay with Grandpa and Grandma." He said, and she grinned and told him she'd already asked them if it was okay.
Then she took Cas' hand, to go and help her pack a bag for the overnight. Dean wondered if that meant they were leaving now. He got up and went to the dining room, where Jo and Sam were cleaning up, and Dean saw John moving to help too. "Are you heading out now?" Dean asked, wondering if they were going to stay any longer, Dean was hoping that they could all watch a holiday movie together. Even though Dean would never admit it out loud, White Christmas was his favorite Christmas movie. He always sang along to the songs, and Sam usually liked to tease him even though Dean had an amazing voice.
John looked over at him. Ellen had gone to start taking things out to the car. "Yeah, we're going to take off. We thought that you and Cas might like a break, so I asked Frankie to ask your permission to stay over with us. The two of you really need a break, just to be together. It's different, when you have kids. It's harder to get moments to yourselves. You need to relax. Dean, I know that you think it doesn't matter, but you being stressed out isn't helping anything. You need to take some time and relax. I know that you're trying to abide by what your doctors are telling you, but being stressed out is bad for your heart too."
He knew that Dean wasn't going to want to hear that, but it was important that he tell him. "So Ellen and I are going to take Frankie home and let her spend as much of the day tomorrow with us too and you and Cas sleep in, binge watch some of those blurays you got, let Cas play around with his new laptop, and just be together. I'm worried about you. I haven't known you to get panic attacks since you were a kid. If you're getting them now, you need to relax. You have to relax." He said, he wished that he could change things for Dean, but he knew that wasn't possible. His eyes brushed with tears as he looked at Dean. "You having a bum ticker might be my fault, and I am going to do my damnedest to make sure that you live."
Dean's eyes filled with tears too. "Dad, I don't want you to blame yourself. I know that these things can be hereditary, but that doesn't mean that you passed it on to me." He said. John was not a crier, not by a long shot. He didn't know that he didn't feel guilty for making that happen. He was glad that Jo and Sam were in the kitchen, working on loading the dishwasher. He knew that John wouldn't have wanted Sam to see him this way, John had always tried to be the strong one for Sam. Dean had often wondered why he hadn't ever let Sam see him as anything but a strong man. He thought that Sam would respect John more for letting him see the real him.
"Dad, I know that you're trying to help me. I know that. And if Frankie wants to spend the night I'm all for that." Dean said, his words halting. He didn't know how to explain that he couldn't stand the thought of being away from Frankie right now. He knew that it was an irrational fear though, he knew that she was going to be fine. She was too young to understand what had happened with Charlie. Dean was just so scared that everything was going to change. He couldn't have changes. He normally didn't mind changes, he rolled with the punches. But his life had never been this good before. He couldn't stand the thought of it getting worse.
Before he could say anything more, in a matter of minutes, Frankie came out with her little Belle suitcase, and her Rapunzel duffle bag, and John and Ellen had left with their things and his daughter. Dean watched from the door, and Jo and Sam took off too, now that the cleanup was all handled. Cas watched till Frankie was in John's truck with Ellen, and then he went to get changed. Dean stood at the door, bracing himself against the cold, watching as the truck pulled out of the driveway and down the street.
It was something he couldn't put his finger on, but he was worried. Dean He didn't know what he was going to do if he couldn't figure it out. Dean knew it was crazy and irrational, but he really wished that he hadn't let Frankie go with John and Ellen. He knew that she'd be fine, but he couldn't stop worrying. He knew it was insane. He told himself to stop being such a worrywort, which he had never been, but he was paranoid. Dean had been paranoid his whole life, and he wasn't really sure why. He closed the door, and went to find his husband. He was going to take advantage of being alone with him.
I pray on Christmas
That the Lord will see me through
I pray on Christmas
He'll show me what to do
I pray on Christmas
He'll help me understand
And I pray on Christmas
He'll take me by the hand
I pray on Christmas I pray on Christmas
That the sick will soon be strong
I pray on Christmas
The Lord will hear my song
That God will lead the way
And I pray on Christmas
He'll get me through another day
He'll get me through another day
Author's note: SO. I am so glad I got this up on Christmas. I hope it wasn't too sad…. But I warned that this was gonna be angsty. I think there might be a legal battle, I'm thinking Lucy's gonna freak out in her grief. Just a head's up. And if ya'll have any suggestions as to how Destiel should tell their daughter about Charlie, offer them up. I haven't quite decided yet. I think the next chapter is gonna focus on New Year's, and I'm not sure if it'll be up by New Year's or not, I've got a procedure on the 30th, and it's something that's gonna be super stressful for me, so I might need some time to recover. But I am sure I will be writing some before then, so we'll see! I hope ya'll enjoyed and you're still hanging in!
