"Oh no, this couldn't be more unexpected
And I can tell I've been moving in so slow
Don't let it throw you off too far
Cause I'll be running right behind you
Could this be out of line?
To say you're the only one breaking me down like this
You're the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously"
- Acceptance - "So Contagious"
Shepard couldn't find the words she needed. Alone in a quiet corner of the mess with Joker seated directly across from her she found her thoughts flicking through her mind, each one as small and quick as a bullet, but none gave her any clue as to what she ought to say. She shifted in her seat hoping her nervousness wasn't as transparent to him as it was to her.
"Not exactly five star cuisine," Joker said as he neatly arranged the greyish broccoli on his plate into a line. "Are you sure these aren't the dextro-amino ones? I'm not sure these are even green," he added, sneering at droopy florets as he stabbed at them.
"It was the finest establishment I could find on such short notice," she replied confused by her own sudden lack of confidence. She couldn't even bring herself to look up at him, so instead she set to work removing bones from her fish filet.
I asked him down here to talk, but what am I going to say? Why is it so hard to bring up this... what would I call it? A 'spark?' What if I'm wrong and I'm just misinterpreting things? Shepard's thoughts spiraled, each one circling the edge of catastrophe. After a moment, Joker put down his fork.
"Commander, what is it you need to talk to me about? You didn't bring me down here for my endless charm and roguish good looks." Shepard looked up for a second, depositing a few clean bones on her plate. Mindlessly, she grouped the ribs and vertebrae together, sorting them out by size. Joker watched with apparent interest.
"I do that," he said. He sounded amazed. Shepard smiled in confusion.
"Do what?"
"That," he said, gesturing to her plate. Shepard looked at his plate and back to hers, smiling as she realized that both were covered in neatly organized lines of food.
"Well, aren't we a little pair of neurotics," she said and laughed. "So... about what you said earlier, about changing time slots? Uh...in the gym." Joker lifted an eyebrow and tilted his head in confusion.
"Decided you want that one now?" he asked.
"No, I was just meaning to ask. How long have you been working out with Taylor?" She took a mouthful of fish before looking back at him.
"Taylor? You mean Jacob? A few weeks. Why?"
"No reason; I was just curious. So, just a few weeks under a musclehead like him and already you think you can press more than me, huh?" She grinned broadly at him.
"That's right," he replied, crossing his arms and giving her a good-natured smile.
"Well, I don't really do weights. I do martial arts. Kickboxing, things like that."
"Awww... that's not fair!"
"Neither's asking me to benchpress more than you. You've got twice as much muscle mass as I have." Shepard was beginning to relax. She smiled as Joker straightened up in his chair, seeming to appreciate the indirect compliment. This isn't a big deal. Joker is a friend and has been for a long time. I don't need to worry so much about this.
/
Joker sat back, smiling to himself. Twice the muscle mass. He wasn't sure if she'd meant the comment the way it had come out, but it was pleasing all the same. Maybe I'm not as wimpy as I think I am. His thoughts drifted back to his action in the cockpit, and he cleared his throat feeling ill at ease once again. It'd been a gut reaction to take Shepard's hand and he'd done it impulsively before his lightning-fast internal censor could stop him. Although Joker couldn't shake the gut feeling that it had been right, the logical part of his mind still questioned the action. I just touched her hand. It's not like I threw her down and –
"Would you pass the salt, please?" Shepard asked, interrupting his train of thought. He grabbed the shaker and pushed it towards her. Maybe I'm imagining things, but... It seemed to him as though Shepard's fingers lingered longer than strictly necessary as she took the salt from him.
"Grunt back to smashing things into a pulp only when you tell him to?" Joker asked, desperately trying to get some words in the air to distract him from his thoughts.
"Yes. I'm not really sure how it works, but he seems better now that we've got him inducted into Clan Urdnot. Wrex said it had something to do with puberty. He still seems wound up, though."
"Heh, yeah, I know how he feels," Joker muttered under his breath. It hadn't taken him long to eat his meticulously cut up meal, so he occupied himself with watching Shepard sort her food.
"Yeah, I can't say I'm the most relaxed person at the moment, either," she said with a sigh. "Actually I don't think anyone on this ship feels particularly relaxed. Hopefully being away for a day or two will help." Shepard picked up her mug of tea. "Need I even ask why you didn't take advantage of the shore leave?"
"Well... what if something happened and we had to leave right away? I couldn't have you stuck with some green Cerberus upstart at the helm," he replied and fiddled with the brim of his cap.
"As opposed to a grouchy ex-Alliance upstart?" She followed the words with a friendly laugh. "But really, good answer! I'd sooner kiss a krogan than have anyone else flying her."
"Well, I am the best." he said with a shrug.
"As if you needed to remind me of that." Shepard looked at the bottom of her tea mug, frowning. "I always drink it too fast."
Other than the fact we have a rather large elephant in the room, this is nice, he thought. She had finished her dinner and leaned with her cheek on one elbow. He found himself wondering what it would be like to look in her eyes as a lover would and he shifted in his seat, suddenly uncomfortable. I have to get a grip.
"Um... you know where to get the monitors from, right?" he asked, shifting topics abruptly as much to distract himself from his previous thoughts as to find a way to keep the conversation going.
"I've got an idea or two. They are specialist equipment but it's not like they're impossible to find. We were shipped the wrong set but I'm sure it won't take long to organize a replacement."
"Right."
"Don't worry so much, Joker," Shepard said softly. He looked up to see that she'd slid her chair back from the table and was sitting in a relaxed posture with her arm draped over its back. He studied her, his eyes noting her long, elegant neck and the graceful way that her head tilted to one side. She looks...what's the word...delicious. He licked his lips, wondering if this was how Kaidan had seen her and a spark of jealousy shot through him. Shepard tenses up every time Kaidan's name is mentioned. How far did their relationship go? That had been the one thing he never tried to nose around in, but now he almost wished he had.
Kaidan had clearly been important to Shepard, although Joker wasn't sure how far the relationship had gone. As he pictured them together, he felt his chest tighten painfully. The feeling surprised him somewhat, for he recognized it for what it was; a pang of envy.
He and Shepard had talked frequently on the SR1 and he'd begun to like her almost immediately. He'd even told her all about his bone disease, something he normally hated disclosing, but he'd told her primarily because he'd felt he could trust her. He'd looked forward to her post-mission visits then just as he did now. Over time the friendliness he felt for her had deepened into something warmer and more affectionate. There had been a time when he'd even entertained the thought of telling Shepard how he felt, but he talked himself out of it, telling himself that even if fraternization hadn't been prohibited, she would never look at him when there were other, healthier men to choose from. And then when rumours on the ship started flying about Kaidan and her... he'd simply buried his head in the sand. I was jealous... Fuck. I still am jealous.
"You never answered me, Commander," he blurted. Shit, is this the best I've got?
"Hmm? Answered you? About what?"
"You never told me why it is you asked me down here," he said. Because it sure as hell wasn't about gym slots. Shepard swung her arm off the back of her seat and sat forward, a little closer to him. Not so close as to invade his space, but enough that he noticed.
"Well..." she visibly paused, her eyes darting left and right over the tabletop. "We've served together for quite some time now. We've been through a lot of things together and we've talked quite a bit. Yet, over the last week or so, I've noticed that you seem uncomfortable around me. You've been... worried about me even. And just a little while ago you took my hand. For someone who doesn't like people very much, that seemed kind of... I don't know... concerned? So, I thought we might have something to talk about. Do we?"
Joker swallowed. I - come on, say something!
"It was just an accident," he said in a tone he hoped was sufficiently nonchalant, while pulling his cap lower over his eyes.
"Wow, Joker. It didn't really feel like an accident. I thought with all your finely tuned piloting skills, you'd have better motor control than that." Shepard turned her head, giving him a coy look.
"Uh, well..."
"What was the name of that green Cerberus upstart you mentioned earlier? Might be prudent to have him on hand if you've got a case of the wild shakes." Shepard crossed her arms, smiling slyly. Joker knew when he'd been defeated.
"Alright, alright. You've made your point, Commander. I had... a human moment. Don't tell Chambers."
"Well, whatever it was, Joker... it was nice." He could see Shepard looking at him and trying to catch his eyes. "I suppose that's why I asked you to dinner," she said, and Joker could've sworn there was a note of nervousness in her words. He wanted to tell her that he wanted to do it again. He wanted to tell her that he wanted to do a lot of things. His mind froze. If I tell her the truth, will she laugh? That would be the worst. No. Can't risk it.
"Don't get too excited about it. It doesn't mean anything."
"Okay," Shepard said in that practised and calm way of hers. She blinked and straightened up. Dammit. Did I just upset her? Try again.
"Well yeah it was human, but it doesn't mean what you think it means," he added. Great.
"All I said was that it was nice." Shepard said. She shrugged, her lips stretching into a thin, unhappy smile. Damn. I did hurt her feelings. Joker didn't know what to do with the knowledge or how to fix things, so he simply continued talking.
"Please, Commander, forget about it. And I'm serious; don't tell Chambers, she'll have a field day with proof that I'm not a cyborg."
"It's our little secret," she said, winking at him. Christ. Joker bit his lip.
"Well, on that note, Joker, I think I am going to retire. For the first time in a long while, I've got some downtime. I think I plan to watch some vids and sleep." Shepard rolled her shoulder and winced. It looked a little stiff. He imagined gently working out the stresses in her body with his hands, pressed up against her in her quarters, the soft, dynamic flickering of an unwatched movie in the background as the only illumination.
"Vids, eh? What you thinking of watching?" he asked. Shepard smiled.
"I'm not sure yet. Probably this Blasto I keep hearing about. Or that asari film. Whatever strikes my fancy, I suppose. Any recommendations?"
"I get a feeling that True Blue stuff might be too soap-opera for you. What was it you said that night a while back about that Palaven Days show?" Joker asked, recalling Shepard's outburst fondly.
"That I wouldn't watch it with a batarian's eyeballs." Shepard shook her head as she stood up.
"Garrus didn't look too pleased," Joker said, grinning.
"He was too busy watching to notice the real content of the show, which was nothing, except for repeated shots of those gnarly things turian females have on their hips," she said with a smile. "I'll see you tomorrow," she added, and walked away, her boots clicking loudly as she walked.
"Yep, goodnight."
/
Joker held the Mako model firmly in his left hand, deftly using the fine blade of the crafting knife to cut out a chunk of the nose. He leaned into the light of the tiny lamp next to his knee as he carefully shaped the dent he had made in the little vehicle's hull. His mind swam with thoughts. From details about how best to streamline his dashboard screen displays or how the new batch of coffee beans tasted a little different, to the conversation earlier he had with Shepard, he found it impossible to relax and concentrate. Business as usual lately, Joker thought as he tried to recall a time recently when he'd had a clear head. As he flicked plastic debris away, movement caught his eye and he looked up to see Kelly packing a small bag.
"Going somewhere?" he asked,not taking his eyes off the model Mako. He wanted it to look just like the one the SR1 had carried and was trying to remember just where all the old scratches were. After a moment of careful pondering, he made another precise nick.
"Hmm?" Kelly answered absent-mindedly before turning around. "Oh, yes. I'm going to go do a little sightseeing. You should come with me! It would be fun!"
"Nope!" he answered in an exaggeratedly cheerful tone.
"You know, whenever we have shore leave, you never take it. It makes me wonder sometimes. Isn't there anyone you'd want to spend time with?"
He glanced at her sharply. "Nope. Can't stand people. I'm just glad they're gone for a little while. That's all the shore leave I need."
"It just seems like it'd be lonely not to have anyone to talk to besides EDI," she said packing a few shirts into her bag.
"I thought you were going sightseeing. Why are you packing? And how many shirts do you need? You're only going for a few hours, aren't you?"
"I'm going to a resort for the night. In any case, I like to be prepared," she said quietly. "Anyways, it's just that I notice that in the mess you tend to look at everyone else a lot, but you sit by yourself. It seems like you want to be with them."
"No. Where I want to be is at my table, away from them. If I wanted to sit with them, I would." Joker placed the sheath over his knifeblade and began twirling it.
"I know you like your alone time. I just think that maybe you ought to use this time to really - you know - spend time with people who aren't on duty. You went to the mess alone with Shepard, didn't you?" she asked, flicking some hair from her eyes. "Did you two chat about anything?"
"Why is it always a game of Twenty Million Questions with you, Kelly?" Joker snorted.
"I'm just curious -"
"It's not really any of your business. But for that record you're always keeping, we didn't talk about much." Joker picked up a tiny brush, dipping it in grey paint which he began applying to the model in front of him.
"I've always wanted to know Shepard better. What's 'not much?'" she asked, pulling pulled the bag's drawstring cord tight.
"If you want to get to know her better, go talk to her yourself."
"That bad, huh? Well, at least she took you aside to tell you off," she said, shrugging her shoulder.
"She didn't tell me off."
"Oh, I see," she said, and Joker cringed at her sing-song voice. "So, are you going to go on a date with the Commander again, then?"
"A date with...? Don't be stupid. That wasn't a date, she just wanted to ask me about something," Joker said and realised he'd said too much. There was no way Kelly would let that go.
"Ask you about what?" she asked, true to form.
"Hey aren't you going somewhere?" he asked irritably. Kelly only laughed.
"Not a date, you say?"
"No. It wasn't," Joker grunted. "She just asked me how I was, that's all."
Kelly slung her bulging bag over her shoulder and turned to look at him.
"Sometimes, I really wonder how someone so incredibly smart can be so unbelievably blind," she said with a sigh. She leaned against her bunk, smiling softly.
Joker clenched his teeth as electric heat jolted through him. Condescending bitch! "What's that supposed to mean?" he snapped.
She looked at him coolly. "Let me put it this way. I think Shepard might need someone to talk with; someone who's close to her, right now." She stared past him, her expression softening into one of concern. "Haven't you noticed those dark circles under her eyes? She's under a lot of pressure."
Yeah, he thought, and placed the model down on his cutting board. Yeah, I have noticed them. She's looked so tired lately, and there was that time the other day when she looked like she was going to fall down outside her quarters.
"We're all under pressure," he replied.
"Has she ever been under this much before, though?"
"Shepard became the first human Spectre agent and tracked down and exterminated Saren. She knows pressure and she can handle it." His body tensed and he noticed he was feeling strangely protective of Shepard. It almost feels like discussing her with Kelly is talking behind her back. It feels almost disloyal; wrong even.
"Relax, Joker. I'm not saying that she can't handle it, just that she could use a close friend to share that with. Surely you've noticed that any time she gets a spare minute, she goes to see you. Not Garrus, not Chakwas, not me. I haven't known her nearly as long as you have, but..." Kelly looked around and behind her to ensure no one was listening, "I think she likes you, Joker - more than a little, and certainly more than as just a good friend and well, I can't blame her." She winked playfully at him.
Joker's mind worked rapidly to digest this information, "Come on, Kelly. Shepard just likes to know her crew. She talks to everyone alone every now and then. She's always been that way; Shepard just gives a fuck, you know? There's really no reason to think she thinks that way about anyone. Except maybe Alenko."
"Yes, and how did that go on Horizon? Do you know?" Kelly asked, leaning against the wall with her bag over her shoulder. Joker shrugged.
"She told me it didn't go well."
He saw Shepard once again, standing next to him in the cockpit, surprisingly tense given his rather innocuous question.
"He's moved on. I can't blame him." Her fists clenched tightly, her face hard with anger and looking as if she were about to burst into tears. She turned her face to the side, looking away.
He felt himself wanting to reach out to touch her; comfort her. He noticed that he felt somewhat guilty, for although he knew it was wrong, the news gave him a little flutter of selfish glee. The meeting didn't go well. He didn't know whether it'd been Kaidan or Shepard that had ended the relationship, but all the same he was pleased to know that she was single again. He looked at his console, rapidly flicking through the screens as he resisted the opportunist's grin he felt threatening to emerge. I really am such a fucking asshole, he thought and flushed, glad that she was working so hard to regain composure that she didn't notice his reaction. Still, even though feeling somewhat ashamed of himself he noticed that the sneaky, pleased feeling remained. He found himself flushing once again and realized that Kelly had continued talking.
"Things are often a lot simpler than they seem. She's known you for a while and has a laugh with you whenever she can. She asks you to dinner, alone. Working that out isn't nearly as complicated as flying a ship, Joker.. What are you going to do if she does have feelings for you?"
"Nothing." He looked down at the model in front of him. "The extranet and I are an item," he added airily.
"You don't fool me, Joker. Remember when I told you that you talk in your sleep?" Kelly asked casually. He looked up, alarmed. "I'll not bore you with the details, but let's just say that I know things."
Joker rolled his eyes.
"And I know that you think you know," he sneered, pulling the bill of his cap down low over his eyes and picking up his model again. "So, go enjoy your excursion outside already. What are you standing around here for, Miss Shrink of the Year?"
"You really do talk a lot in your sleep, you know," she said. He gave no answer, making a show of dipping his brush into into one of the paint pots on the cutting board.
"She won't wait forever, Joker."
"Goodbye, Kelly."
