Author's Note:Hello everyone! I really didn't disappear, though it may have seemed like it. And I offer you an incredibly long and possibly depressing chapter to make up for my extended absence. Yay! But in all seriousness, I apologize for the long delay (an unexpected and weeks-long overseas trip had a lot to do with it) and hopefully you won't hate me for some of the stuff that goes down in this (really far too long) chapter.

...

Chapter Six - November 10th through November 11th, 2012

And now all your love is wasted
And who the hell was I?

...

The colorful daisy pattern of her kitchen towels was mocking her. Why Lily ever thought that a stupid, childish, happy pattern like that would ever suit the life of one Robin C. Scherbatsky was a complete and total mystery. Yellow and white. Those were colors for people who actually made good decisions and have their shit together and don't end up sitting in their kitchen and staring off into space while their boyfriend, the supposed good guy, was still talking.

And talking and talking and talking...

"-and it wasn't that I didn't want to go after you. I felt awful. And I hated that you would think I didn't care that I messed up or that you were so obviously in pain. But Ted kept saying that I should give it time, that Barney was an idiot for going after you, that you'd probably end up kicking him in the crotch, and my best bet was to wait for you." Steve ran his hands down his tired face in clear agony. "So I did. I waited. I sent you a few texts, but I made sure not to call you. But...then I got another call. From someone else."

"Chris." It wasn't a question. Her voice was foreign to her own body. Brittle and so inappropriately devastated.

"Her sister." Steve swallowed and sniffed. "Look, I think I should tell you what happened on Halloween. It's the only way any of this will make sense."

"God, you're almost as bad as Ted." She laughed harshly. Steve blinked. "He really likes non-linear storytelling." A blank stare. "It's exhausting." Still no reaction. "Never mind."

"I'm not trying to exhaust you." He chose his words carefully, tracing his pointer finger along the erratic, rutilated pattern of the granite. "I just want to explain everything so you don't hate me. And so you see where I'm coming from."

"You fucked Chris." Robin crossed her arms and stared at him. "I'm not really sure there's much more to explain."

"But there is!" Steve's eyes flashed suddenly and he stood up, anger rankling his shoulder blades into rounded defenses. "And you know what, you should know better than anyone that sometimes stuff is complicated. In fact, I think you understand that quite well, bro."

Robin sucked her cheek in between her teeth and bit down, crossing her arms. Okay, she thought while avoiding Steve's angry eyes. Touche. He maybe, maybe had a point that things weren't entirely closed or platonic or simple between her and Barney. And maybe, just maybe she had been using Steve as a kind of buffer to keep her feelings for him at bay while still being close to him.

And maybe, maybe, maybeif she and Barney would have kissed, it wouldn't have stopped there. Maybe they would have gone back to his place. Maybe they would have started slow and then sped up as their desperation for each other reached an aching peak until they finally collapsed together, warm and dimly lit and wonderful. Maybe Barney would have teased her and worshiped her and maybe she would have tried her hardest to show just how much she still felt...everything in the world when it came to him. Maybe they would have held each other before falling asleep, strangely content in all the changes but for once certain of each other and how the other felt. Maybe they would have woken up and maybe she'd make breakfast so they could talk for hours and maybe they would have clung to their own perfect little bubble for as long as humanly possible.

Maybe.

But the salient point was that none of that happened. At least not this time. Technically speaking, Robin was absolutely in the clear in terms of not being a completely horrible and cheating girlfriend. Sure, it was circumstantial and not based on any deep loyalty or abiding love she felt for Steve, but dammit, she hadn't pushed it after the moment was passed and she really could have. Steve was the one who ultimately violated the trust, whether or not the initial shakiness was both of their faults or not.

And furthermore, no onecheats on Robin Scherbatsky. Didn't Steve realize that men fell at her feet and couldn't think of anyone else when she was in the room? Even Lily wanted a fairly large piece of her fine, fine ass.

None of it computed.

But still, people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, even if technically those stones stayed mostly in the house on her end. So she supposed it wouldn't actually kill her to hear Steve's side of the story.

"Fine." She stated icily. She certainly was in no mood to budge or show him that she had any reason to be guilty. Because she didn't."Tell your story."

Cautiously sitting back down, Steve ran his fingers through his hair and sighed before beginning his fairly long and involved tale. He gesticulated wildly and strung his words together awkwardly, clearly unsure of how to explain himself and the circumstances that led the two of them (and the absent Chris) to where they were now. His eyes never budged from the floor, clearly terrified of Robin's wrath and he was whispering. But Robin heard him loud and clear and her heart swelled with something that felt odd and disjointed to the situation.

Steve had been a terrible boyfriend to Chris. Though he loved her immensely, he was only 25 when they met and was terrified of the implications of meeting someone who could actually be "The One" so early on in his life; the idea felt so drastically out of line with his highly ambitious goals. So he lashed out and pushed her away, treating her like all sorts of crap until finally she called him out on it and dumped his sorry ass. And it should have been the end, but they had the same circle of friends and, through a series of (frankly a little boring) hijinks, they ended up volunteering together. Though it was bumpy at first, they soon after became best friends and made a pact that their romantic relationship was merely a starting point for something greater.

But then Halloween changed everything. Drunk and happy together, Chris impulsively kissed him along the fire escape, pouring what felt like years of tension and confusion and love into her embrace. Steve admitted that he couldn't help himself and returned in kind, pushing her up against the brick of the apartment building. ("Dude," Robin's eyebrow arched. "I don't need the play-by-play.") But then he immediately remembered Robin and how he was trying to be an honorable guy and an actual good boyfriend for once in his life. When he pulled away and said that to Chris, she started crying and told him that she loved him and that it wasn't going to change. That she thought they were moving back towards each other but then he showed up with 'Robin freaking Sparkles' on his arm and Chris knew she couldn't compete. But that it didn't change how she felt and she just needed him to know, no matter what. But that if he really didn't feel the same way, she couldn't and wouldn't stand to get her heartbroken day in and day out anymore.

So she went to Canada, to give both of them time and space to think. And it made him indescribably miserable. But then the previous night, Steve got a call from Chris' sister to let him know that she was back in town...and she was finally getting a chance to dance as Juliet, her dream role throughout her entire ballet career. So completely forgetting everything that was happening with Robin, Steve threw on a tux and ran downtown to sneak in during intermission, a huge bouquet of red roses in hand. And as he watched her dance with the grace and beauty Steve knew Chris was but forced down into denial, he was filled with so much joy and pride and a strange tingling feeling that proved he was still alive that the next thing he knew, he was kissing and kissing and kissing her against the stage door and a cab and finally, in his bed.

"I really am incredibly sorry, Robin." Steve's whole body was trembling and he looked so young and vulnerable. "You don't deserve any of this or getting dragged into all of my countless problems. All I wanted was to do the right thing for once because I'm always the jerk. And now I know I'll never be anything but the jerk."

Feeling a sudden and renewed sense of clarity, hope bubbled up purposefully into her chest and brought out a smile on Robin's face. Placing her hand on top of Steve's to try to relieve his trembling, she ducked her head to make gentle eye contact with the man who was now certainly her ex-boyfriend, in all the best ways possible.

"What the hell are you doing here with me, dummy?"

Steve started and raised his head. "What? You're not going to throw things at me?"

"I considered it." Robin smirked before sighing. "No, Steve. The thing is...how can I be upset after hearing that story?"

"Uh, because I cheated on you." He was blinking, clearly startled. "It's a pretty standard reaction."

"At the end of the day and from what it sounds like, I'm not sure that Iwas the one who was cheated." Robin rubbed her neck and almost rolled her eyes at his still-confused and blank face. "Look, this isn't easy for me to admit, but that was one of the most beautiful stories I have ever heard."

She stood up abruptly and started pacing. "I mean, hello? The ballet? Roses? And being so overcome with pride and love that you just kissed her over and over again? Hell, my heart's fluttering like a tween girl's and you're supposed to be my boyfriend." Robin tilted her head and smiled a little sadly. "That has to mean something, Steve. You and Chris are obviously meant to be."

"And you're okay with that?" His voice was choked but his eyes were filled with so much gratitude that Robin softened into melted butter.

"My ego is certainly bruised." She snorted a little, but offered him a half-smile. "But who am I to stand in the way of true love? It's pretty rare. Plus, most of my friends ram its importance down my throat on a daily basis. Eventually, it kinda sticks."

He smiled a little at that before sighing heavily and burying his head in his hands. Running them through his hair, Steve sat back up and looked at her plainly, exasperated and fatigued. He shook his head and slumped his shoulders before swallowing and massaging his neck.

"I wish it were that easy." He finally managed to get out. "Last night was...well, you know. But right after, Chris freaked out because she didn't want things to start this way and something about how Robin Sparkles would hate her forever before running out."

"Oh, Steve." Robin put her hand to her heart and crinkled her eyebrows. "I mean, I get that reaction. But I'm really sorry that happened."

"That's why I didn't go after her. I thought she made her choice, so I just kept trying to call you to assuage my guilt and try to make things right." He leaned forward on his elbows against the cold granite. "But when I actually saw you, I knew I couldn't keep lying."

A small strangled noise came from his throat as he tried to laugh. "It's probably not worth it. Hell, I'm a lawyer, I think very rationally and this-this everything with Chris, it doesn't really translate into something sensible. It's too much trouble and too much work." He grinned sarcastically. " It's 'inefficient', as my bosses would say."

"Oh, horseshit!"

Steve almost fell off his chair. "Excuse me?"

Idiot. He's such an idiot. And not in the I-love-him kind of way, but in the dropped-on-his-head kind of way.

"You cannot give up the best thing that's ever happened to you because you're scared and too passive to actually let yourself be happy. Love doesn't just fall on your lap, you actually have to work at it." Her hands were flying through the air as she scolded her ex-boyfriend with conviction she didn't even know she had in her. "Yeah, it's going to be 'work' and 'trouble,' but sometimes people are worth the trouble! Stasis may be easy but it's not a replacement for passion."

She paused, the faintest hint of memory hitting her heart.

'With you, the trouble doesn't seem so...troubling.'

Robin swallowed and felt light-headed.

(She refocused. Because she was not talking about herself. She was talking about Steve.)

"I-I mean, I knew you and Chris loved each other the first time I saw the two of you together. Heck, even when I thought she was a man, I thought, 'Wow, Steve's kinda gay for this dude.'" He chuckled at that and she stood up to round tightly on his person, poking his chest with her annoyed pointer finger. "It's not funny! I'm serious."

"Oh, come on. My extremely recent ex-girlfriend being my own personal pep squad to go after another woman?" Steve grinned. "That's a little funny."

Robin smirked. "And I'm sorry about that." At his confused look, she sighed and sat beside him. "I knew you loved Chris and I didn't do anything about it. I mean, you were my secret crush." She nudged him a little bit and he smiled, rubbing her hand. "I thought you had to be, you know, it."

He simply nodded. "I get that. Believe me, I get that."

She tossed a comforting arm around his shoulder and leaned in, feeling more in tune with him at that moment than she ever did during the course of their relationship. "Things don't always work out how you plan. And when you love someone, sometimes you just have to go get 'em and screw what conventional wisdom tells you."

Turning to her, Steve blinked before a his mouth dropped open, realization and something quietly personal filling in his eyes. He stood shakily and smiled hesitantly.

"God, you're right. You're so right." He touched his hand to his head and laughed. "Shit. What the hell am I doing here? I need to-I need to go." He grabbed his briefcase with harried movements before suddenly stopping. Flipping back around, he ran over to Robin and threw his arms around her.

"Thank you." He murmured into her hair. "For being understanding and for pushing my stupid ass out of here."

"Anytime." Robin laughed softly and patted his back. He pulled away but kept his hands on her shoulders, looking down at her very seriously, with the smallest hint of a smile still playing on his lips.

"You know," Steve shuffled his feet and squeezed her biceps gently, "I really think you should follow your own advice."

Robin nodded slowly and squeezed his forearms back. "I'll try." Her lips quirked and she looked down at the ground. "I just...I just hope he's actually ready."

"He's madly in love with you." Steve pursed his lips together and Robin's eyes widened at his blunt statement, her heart quickening against her rib cage. "Anything else can be worked out."

Robin nodded, fear starting to suffocate her renewed sense of vigor and hope. She could do this. Steve was doing it and... and she could do this. She wasn't doomed to misery forever and she could...do this. Barney loved her. Barney...lovesher.

Damn.

Even the thought was foreign to her mind because she had never let herself think it before that moment. Not that she didn't know on some level that she and Barney would always love each other in that bittersweet and melancholy way that past lovers always do. Doubly because they remained such good friends. But hearing the words directly from Steve's mouth, in the present, in the current form that she had desperately wanted and maybe knew for so long...it was terrifying. He loved her. He lovesher. He loved her.

Barney loves me.

As anxiety threatened to completely choke her lungs, Robin forced out a smile and a wave as an exuberant Steve turned and walked out of her apartment and her life.

She knew she would be a little sad about that in a bit. But for now:

Barney loves me.
Barney loves me.
Barney loves me.

Robin closed her eyes. She needed sleep.

But when she woke up, she would summon up all her courage in several heavy and swallowing breaths, she would her grab her purse and walk out the door and down the elevator and to the sidewalk. She felt clearheaded and wistful. The winds of change would whip her hair toward that lonely little bench in Central Park and she would smile, knowing that she was making the largest and most important and best decision of her life. And she would stare down toward the East River, and she would think that she could still just barely make out Steve's jogging silhouette as he raced towards the woman he loved (never mind that they had probably long since made up, it was the symbolism that counted). Taking one last breath, Robin would decide to follow his lead. So she would turn on the balls of her feet and she would head west. To MacLaren's. To find him.

Finally.

But for now, she needed to drop on her couch and sleep for as long as possible. Barney would still be there in the evening.

He always was.

...

Barney knew his MacLaren's routine by heart. Drink finished by 9:05, tongue down random's throat by 9:10. Simple yet elegant.

Though to say he knew it by 'heart' was probably inaccurate. It made the erroneous assumption that anything remotely or credibly emotional had anything to do with his hands grazing the curve of this (or any other) Asian (or Lebanese or short or German) girl's ass or that he felt something - anything- when his lips moved down to their neck. He supposed there was a time in his life that he felt excited, in a purely lustful and sexual way. A time when he enjoyed the chase and the thrill of the kill. But these days... he didn't really know. The thrill wasn't so thrilling and while he certainly got hard and hot through the rote physical intermingling of body parts and saliva, the act of kissing and groping and grinding on some nameless, usually faceless pair of breasts and ass held no appeal beyond the salve or balm of a man in misery, clinging to complacency in the face of rejection.

Not that he could call what happened with Robin a "rejection" per se. But it's not like he could kid himself that she had suddenly changed her mind about the two of them. Last he checked, Robin hadn't recently suffered from head trauma or an amnesia-inducing aneurysm. And considering that she ignored three of his calls and one of his texts throughout the afternoon, he had the distinct feeling that she wasn't clamoring to make out in a laser tag arena any time soon.

God, he was such a moron.

In fact, he was a moron in the cleanest and most clinical sense of the word. Pattern recognition was a pretty well defined aspect of intelligence and when it came to Robin, it was clearly something he lacked. Every single time he and Robin had their little...moments or whatever (what a Ted thing to think), it was after she had expressed or was obviously feeling some deep vulnerability or insecurity or gave Barney some indication that she wasn't in her right mind. The only time he could think of where Robin seemed very aware of what she was doing was last November and he really didn't need a rehashing of how thatwent, thanks.

So it had been a fluke. Fine. But this time, he knew damn well that she was in a hurting place and he still tried to make something happen. No wonder she thought he was a sleazy asshole and could never, ever, ever love him in a million years.

The Asian grabbed at his crotch. Focus, Stinson. You're awesome.

(The word rang hollow even in his own head.)

He plunged deeper into his distraction, tightly closing his eyes and wishing the world away. But then, she was pushing on his chest and giving him a small smile, saying she needed to run to the ladies' room but won't he please wait for her? Giving her his most charming and devilish smile, he smacked her ass as she scampered off, giggling. When she (finally) disappeared, Barney grimaced and spit her gum out into a bar napkin. Gross.

Bored then with even the memory of his make out partner, Barney scanned the bar for a new target. Nothing by the jukebox or in the booths. Maybe his standards were somehow rising or maybe he was just getting too old for this shit, as loath as he was to admit it (and definitely never would, especially not to Old Man Evelyn). Reminding himself that the strange was always better, he glanced over at the bar entrance to see if any interesting and new young things had stepped into MacLaren's and into his web.

And his eyes landed firmly on Robin.

Goddammit. Of course.

And, of course, he was moving toward her like a moth to a flickering florescent light. It didn't matter that most of 'em ended up trapped and dead when they finally reached the source of their obsession. So maybe Barney was doomed just like them, but screw it. It was still worth it, pathetic and horrible as it was. Guys like him didn't get the happily ever after, so best to cling to what remnants of some strange sort of happiness he could, right?

Wow. He was a huge, oddly poetic bummer tonight.

"Scherbatsky!" He forced his lips into an affable grin. "You fully rested and recovered from our crushing victory?"

He expected her to give him her usual little half-smile and eye roll, some joke about his Peter Pan syndrome, anything that would keep them in their tenuous yet deliberate realm of normalcy. But something was off about her tonight. Her torso was tense and straight, while gooseflesh rose along her forearms. She was swallowing repeatedly and shaking her head, her blue eyes lasered onto the ground in flashes.

She looked...angry?

"Or you still wanna go whale on those little assholes some more?" He waggled his eyebrows and brightened his smile manically.

Normalcy. Normalcy. Everything was normal.

"Oh, I'm sure you wouldn't have the time." Robin finally spoke, spitting her words onto the ground. "You seem pretty busy."

Barney's smile faltered and a dark pit began forming in his stomach. She couldn't be pulling this shit again.

"Eh." He waved his hand and took a slightly shaking sip of his scotch, firmly ignoring the completely unfounded accusation in her voice. "She's about a 7 on the Asian scale. Granted, that puts her at an 8.33 on the general scale, but at this point, my standards have become exceedingly high."

"Right." She barked out a mirthless laugh and crossed her arms, shaking her head. "Well, you're the expert."

He cleared his throat and scratched harshly at his eyebrow. "Everything cool, bro?"

Robin's laser pointer eyes looked directly into his with an unreadable challenge. "Steve and I broke up."

Well, shit.

The inside of Barney's mouth went dry and his throat felt like it was closing in on his rising and pounding heart. Why was she telling him this?

"I'm...sorry." No assumptions. No anxiety. Cool, calm, collected. He clutched onto his tumbler and kept his face impassive to mask the screaming, the questioning and (dammit) the hope swirling and clutching in his blood. He had been in this place before and he certainly wasn't going to throw himself at her mercy only to have his sucker of a heart crushed under her feet.

Robin ran her fingers erratically through her hair. "I came here to tell you that. I thought you might care." She violently slapped at the bar before putting her hand to her forehead and closing her eyes. "God, I'm so stupid."

"You're going to have to explain what you mean by that." Barney didn't give a shit that he sounded like a mechanical and steely robot. He had to remain still and indifferent...clinical. He was trying to communicate better in general, since getting ahead of himself or behind the curve had created so much of the tangled bullshit in his life. And as much as that idiotic hope was attempting to burst out of his skin, he couldn't read further into it. She was probably just looking for a friend to talk to about it and Lily had graded it lower than an 8.

His spirits sunk. Yeah. That was it.

"Forget about it, Barney." She sucked in her cheek and attempted to smile at him. "It's all good. Steve was in love with Chris, so he cheated on me and now they're probably all happy and meant to be and it made me think...but just forget about it."

A new strain of anger niggled in his stomach. "Steve cheated on you?"

Fuckin' idiot.

"Yes, but it's fine." She waved off his concern and tightened her purse to her side. "Really. And y-yeah, I-I'm just going to go. Clearly, I was wrong to come." She bit her lip sadly. "Should have listened to my brain. It has been saying that from the very start."

"R-Robin, wait! No, don't go." Barney's hand reached out against his will and clutched her arm. "I'm here. I'll listen. You know that. You've had a shitty few days, so I'll leave the bimbos behind."

For some reason, his sentiment inspired a loud guffaw from the tall brunette.

"You know what, Barney?" Her eyes were just barely glistening and Barney felt that awful, sinking and familiar feeling that he had somehow completely screwed this up again. "Every single time I've ever tried to find you, to actually talk to you about my life or about us...you're slutting it up at MacLaren's. So you'll have to excuse me if I'm finding your ability to 'leave them behind' a little suspect."

But Barney was frozen and blinking rapidly, entirely focused on one word in her angry and confusing diatribe.

"Us?" He whispered, his hands twitching their way towards hers and his lips just barely daring a smile. But the look on Robin's face wiped it away.

"I thought maybe there was." Her voice was cold and hard. "But you always prove to me that you're incapable of change. Thank you for keeping me firmly in reality. I needed it."

Barney's eyelids shuddered closed. He waited for it to come - the despair, the realization that he messed up the only good (wonderful, perfect, awesome) thing in his life yet again just by being him. The self-loathing and tragedy that followed him through every single wasted endeavor and the all consuming knowledge that it was all his fault, that everything that went wrong was directly connected to his complete inability to be a good person, a good boyfriend, a good anything. The crushing, choking, blinding sadness and defeat that meant he would never be happy and never "find the right girl," because the right girl still didn't want him despite all their history solely because he was such a fuck up.

... But it didn't.

Instead, his chest inflamed with a white, scorching anger he had never felt directed towards Robin before. Or if he had, he had always squelched it with his rationalizations about her superiority and his inarguable inferiority.

But now, even if that was true, he was done.

He had tried so hard over the years to prove not only to her but to everyone that he wasn't always that guy, that he could be there for her (or anyone) and actually be a decent, multifaceted individual with more to offer than a crude joke. And if anyone should have known that to be true, it was Robin. Because otherwise, for Chrissake, what the hell was the previous night? Or anything else he had ever done that was completely ignored or compartmentalized? He wasn't saying he was perfect, but he sure as fuck deserved better from the one person who knew who he really was better than anyone.

His head spinning and his fist nearly breaking his scotch tumbler, he brought the drink to his lips and downed it. Nodding and clenching his jaw, he ran his tongue over his teeth as he made up his mind. It was time. They needed this. He fucking needed this.

"All right." He said, still nodding like an idiot but really not caring. "All right." He stared straight at her, shocked at how baldly she was still glaring at him, like she was the one who had any right to be angry with him. He grabbed her arm and ignored her protests. "Let's go."

Moving toward MacLaren's side door, he felt his heart hammer against his ribcage and his fingers tightened on her squirming arm, moving her closer and closer to their necessary conversation. He paused and drank in her shocked face, as everything within him tied up in knots of anger and passion and annoyance and desire and love and fury.

This was it.

...