What I Want
Chapter Seven

)O(

Raven stood in front of the Titans feeling a bit like she was awake in a nightmare and was about to give a school presentation, only to discover herself completely naked. Except, this was real, and instead of her being naked, she was still dressed in the shreds of last night's evening gown, her up-do in complete and utter disarray, and her face smudged with dirt and old make up. At the very least, she looked like "Day-After-Bachelorette." She tugged at the ragged edges of her dress, suddenly feeling very self conscious. She should have at least changed into her uniform, but she'd been too busy arguing with Red X to think about things like that.

"Good morning…?" She attempted some sort of awkward greeting, but was met with barely understandable stares. Each one of the Titans looked at her with a different expression swimming in their eyes. Robin looked concerned and worried, his eyes following the line of her body as she moved and shifted in front of them. Cyborg looked angry and suspicious, but that was to be expected from him. Beast Boy looked genuinely curious, even if he was trying to hide it in order to save face. And, Starfire looked nervous, as if each of her friends were suddenly going to attack Raven or one another. That was a pleasant thought.

Raven stood in the center of them, shifting uncomfortably and fiddling with her hands. There was still sea-dirt trapped underneath her fingernails, and grime had found its way in between her fingers. Feeling embarrassed again, she hid her hands in the folds of her dress. Exhaustion was sinking slowly into her bones, and she tried to remember the last time she actually sat down, let alone slept. After last night and this morning, she felt like she could crawl into an empty cardboard box and sleep for a hundred hours.

She cleared her throat and forced herself to stand up a little straighter. If she was going to face her execution, she was going to do so proudly. "Um… Hi? I think we've all met before, I'm Raven. My partner and I make a living being professional thieves, and recently I saved your leader Robin from certain death."

Cyborg continued to glare at her. "This isn't an AA meeting, Raven. I think we can skip the pleasantries." He snorted and looked away, a frown on his lips. "Besides, we wouldn't be in this problem if you had just managed to stay out of our lives, and kept in the shadows where you belong."

"Cyborg!" Robin's voice cracked the air like a whip, and he glared at his half-robotic friend, emotions sizzling around him. "Not cool, dude. Raven might be the 'bad guy', but she saved my life last night, and I would have probably gotten into more danger if she wasn't there to protect my ass from Slade. Drop the attitude."

Raven tried to offer him an appreciative stare, but it was cut short by Cyborg's finger in her face. "She is the one you went onto that ship for, not Slade. I know that you could have stayed away from him, but she drew you in deeper. I almost lost you last night. My best friend. I don't know what I would have done if you were actually…" His words drifted off and Raven began to understand where Cyborg's anger was coming from.

It wasn't that he didn't trust her or respect her, it was that he saw Raven as the reason Robin almost died last night. Not the cause, but the reason. He was cautious of someone he didn't know, and Raven certainly couldn't fault him for that, especially not after last night's debacle.

"Friends!" Starfire stood up and stood by Raven's side, taking her hand as if to offer her support. "We should not fight now. There is something much more devious at work here, and we should stand by each others' sides. If Raven has braved the possibility that we would arrest her and take her to prison, there must be a very important reason as to why. Let us listen to her, not belittle her and make her feel that she has no place here."

Cyborg and Beast Boy glanced away, looking ashamed. Starfire was right, though. They needed to set aside the fact that she was a criminal and really think about why she was here in the first place. Clearly, if she had put all this effort and planning into coming today, there was something very important she needed to tell them.

Raven cleared her throat and met with their eyes again. "This isn't exactly how I had this planned out in my head. I'm trying to make this work, but it's kind of hard to confess your sins while standing in front of the team whose sole responsibility is to bring me to the police." Raven's lips twitched, and behind her she heard something electrical pop and sizzle with the source of her emotions. She took a deep breath and dropped Starfire's hand. "Just… bear with me for a moment."

Cyborg's annoyed breath was audible in the silence of the room, and he looked at her with a blank expression, as if he decided that there was no more reason to fight. "Okay, Raven… if Starfire and Robin trust you, then I guess the rest of us have to as well. Just don't give me a reason to doubt you."

She tried to give him a sympathetic smile, but she knew it didn't quite reach her eyes. "Well… I don't exactly know where to start…" She rubbed the back of her head and looked away, frowning again. "I suppose I should ask you if you've heard of Trigon the Terrible?"

There was a barely audible gasp from Starfire. "This has to do with Trigon? Even on my home planet his wretchedness is known." She turned to her friends, her eyes and fingertips glowing in fear. "This is very grave indeed, he is the most vile and wretched thing to ever exist in this dimension or any other. He is a very powerful demon who does not have feelings or emotions. He will annihilate anything in his path, and cares only for chaos and destruction, and-"

"He's my father."

The thick, heavy silence that followed those words made Raven physically sick. It wasn't exactly like she was expecting a pat on the back or anything, but she wasn't ready for the look of unadulterated fear exposed on each Titan's face. She rubbed her exposed arms and moved into what few shadows there were, feeling comforted by the darkness. "Don't look at me like that, I didn't choose my birth father… I was simply a product of it."

"Raven… the prophecy…" Starfire's voice was quiet, but in the silence it sounded like a megaphone. "You are Trigon's daughter… I've heard of your prophecy before."

"Well… this will help my awkward explanation immensely." Raven met Starfire's eyes and gave her a short nod. "I am Trigon's daughter, which makes me half-demon. That's the secret to this." She waved her hand at the electronics turned off, bathing all of them in red sunlight. "But, as Starfire pointed out, this isn't something that comes without a price. I may have powers, but I have an equal amount of costs involved. I was born the bastard child of a demon and a human, and my body and my soul were created for the sole purpose of being a portal for Trigon into this world."

Cyborg's stare darkened. "And what does that mean exactly?"

"It means that Trigon the Terrible will use the portal to gain entry into this dimension. At this moment he is trapped in the deepest parts of an alternate dimension, but that state is not permanent. He will consume Raven and then consume this universe." Starfire wrung her hands, but her eyes did not leave Raven's face. "I always assumed that myth was nothing more than lies and stories, I did not ever dream that it would have actual merit."

"It's true." Raven looked at her companions and tried to gauge their reactions. When she was unable to read them properly, she sighed and looked away, rubbing her arms again. "Last night, when I was on the yacht, Slade approached me with a man I've never met named Brother Blood. Apparently there is a whole organization whose only goal in life is to awaken the portal inside of me, which is why Slade sought both me and my partner out, so they could have me within their control. If they succeed in waking the portal, Trigon the Terrible will be unlocked from his chains of the nether world, and he will come here. To this dimension." She took a deep breath and let it out slowly, hoping no one noticed her shaking hands. "Which is something you certainly do not want. If that happens, he will not be content with consuming this world, but every world in this dimension. He will not stop until the vast universe is his and his alone. Fire and brimstone and eternal damnation."

"Is this… are you…" Robin, for the first time that Raven could ever remember, was speechless.

She offered him a sad smile. "I am the portal. I am the one thing that can bring Trigon here." There was a small pause before she spoke again. "I don't want this for your world, I don't want to see what would happen if he gained control. While my time here has been short, I have to admit that there are things about this world that I do not want to see extinguished." She caught Robin's eyes on her face and looked away, blushing. "I am pleading with you, please do not let that happen. Do not let this prophecy come to fruition."

There was another long, heavy pause that drifted over them, each of the Titans weighing exactly what this meant for them. Raven was the point at which destruction would enter the world. She was ground zero for an invasion that no one could comprehend. But if you remove ground zero…

Cyborg spoke the words everyone was thinking and no one would say. "We could kill you."

"Cyborg!" Robin snapped and glared at his friend. His anger rippled through the space around him. "I can't believe you. She's a human being, a person we can't just kill her because it's convenient."

"She is the portal." He motioned to Raven, not quite meeting her eyes. "If we kill her, we staunch the portal. Plain and simple. It's one life for countless others." He tried to sound strong and brave, but there was a low tremor in his voice, and his face paled. It was as if even he couldn't stomach the idea of having to murder a helpless girl. But, his idea had logical merit, and it was one that Raven had thought about before.

Robin opened his mouth to speak, but Raven silenced him before he could protest Cyborg's suggestion again. She looked into his eyes, knowing that her own darkness was shining through her gaze. "Believe me, I have contemplated that same question as well. You're not offering any suggestion that I haven't already thought of. But, I have to survive. If I die, he will find another way to free himself, that I can promise you, and there will be no one with anything like my power that is strong enough to chain him again."

"So you have to live, but you'll still be a portal?" Beast Boy scratched his head, confusion clear on his face. He was trying to connect the pieces together, but something wasn't clicking just yet. "And if you die, there's no way we could put him back into hell?"

"No… I'm the only one with the right magic to contain him." Raven sighed and wrung her hands again, feeling her heart sink into her stomach. "Because I'm his only offspring."

Cyborg's lips twitched in annoyance. "You're just telling us this so we don't kill you."

"Cyborg!" Robin cursed under his breath and stood up. "Really, dude, what is your problem?"

"Look at her, Robin. One life, one of a criminal, to save a universe?"

"He's right." Raven caught Robin's stare and nodded. "One life for an infinite number is worth it, and I would gladly give myself up for sacrifice if I could. I haven't exactly led the greatest life, Cyborg. I've spent most of my childhood locked up in an alien monastery where I was allowed to show no emotion or the world would probably collapse in on itself. When I came to this plane of existence, I spent most of my time in poor houses and shelters, completely penniless and friendless. I don't exactly have a whole lot to live for, except that by being alive I am keeping the world safe. I had a million more reasons to kill myself before, but I have an important one to live. Maybe I am telling you a lie so I can live, but do you really want to take that chance?"

"No." Cyborg leaned back into the sofa and looked away, knowing Raven had won the battle. "But I don't want to trust you either. You've gotten Robin into more trouble than I have ever seen him in, and I have seen him in some pretty bad trouble."

"She has also helped us a great deal, Cyborg. She has saved Robin." Starfire looked at all of her friends, her expression serious. "Robin has… a different personality since Raven has been in our lives. He is, perhaps, calmer and more… how do you call it? Centered? As Cyborg said to me, she keeps him grounded, even if she leads him into danger."

Cyborg's face suddenly burned bright red and he glared at his friend. "Star… I told you that in private. You promised me you wouldn't tell anyone, but you just told everybody."

"Is it not the truth though?"

He ran a hand over his face and exchanged surprised looks with Raven. "So, what? I don't want to hate you, Raven, you just seem confused and a little misguided… but you have to admit that trouble follows you like a clingy girlfriend, whether you want her to or not."

She gave him a sympathetic smile that didn't reach her eyes. "Welcome to my life."

"And when we stop Trigon… what will happen to you? Where will you go?" Beast Boy's stare had turned suspicious again, and he leaned forward to watch her. "So, let's say that we help you, and we kick this Trigon guy's butt… then what? You go back to being a criminal? We just save the universe and you get to walk away?"

"No. You would have helped me break my fate and change my destiny. When we defeat Trigon and the world is safe, then I will do whatever you ask of me." Raven offered her wrists out like a sacrifice. "I am a criminal, and I have broken the law more times than I care to count. If we defeat Trigon, I'll give myself to you whole-heartedly. You can do whatever you wish with me."

Cyborg snorted. "Well, if you help us save the world, maybe we'll call your debt null and void."

Raven was unable to keep look of the shock and surprise off of her face, and her eyes met Cyborg's small smile. He was being completely honest, and there was something in his sincerity that touched her. It was like he was offering an olive branch, and she wanted to grasp it wholeheartedly.

"So… what do we say, team?" Robin glanced between all of his friends, looking for their decision.

"I say we need a while to discuss this…" Cyborg looked over at Raven and pointed to the door. "In private, if you don't mind."

"I understand." She moved into the hallway, somehow resisting the urge to press her ear to the crack in the door to catch snippets of conversation. She knew, logically, that there was no way they could deny her request. It was the fate of the world that rested in their hands, and if they chose not to believe her, they would be damning the rest of the universe. But still… there was something inside her that feared the possibility of "no". If she couldn't have their help, she didn't know what she would do. Give into the darkness and her destiny was her only option at that point.

"Yeah… because that sounds like a great way to live. Or die." She knocked the back of her head on the wall and sighed, staring at the ceiling. Her skin started to itch and her legs trembled as she felt the push and pull of their emotions from the other room. Anger, frustration, suspicion, hate, platonic love, understanding, curiosity, and unadulterated fear and rolled into one thick, sticky blob of emotions.

Raven pushed herself to her feet and began to pace in front of the door. She couldn't just stand here and wait around like the accused waited for a sentence. Ugh. It was almost too much, and in the back of her mind she felt the brush of guilt as Red X crossed her thoughts. He was the one that saved her from poverty, and this is how she thanked him? By running to the Titans at the first sign of trouble? What was wrong with her? She should have at least had some faith in him. But then again… he had no idea the power that Raven was actually capable of. At least the Titans had some belief in her.

She moved farther down the long hallway, looking out the windows and meandering through the empty spaces in Titan Tower. She needed something, anything to keep her mind off of the fact there were four superheroes that held her fate in their hands, and there was one thief she was betraying.

Raven wandered down the halls looking through open doors and passing bedrooms and offices until she noticed an empty bedroom with the door wide open. She looked up down the hall, wondering if there was anyone watching her. When she didn't feel anyone close to her, she stepped inside. The moment her feet crossed the threshold, she had the feeling that she was at home. Not an apartment that her partner shared with her, but her own space, with people who may or may not start being her friends (at least for the time being). It felt strange. It felt unusual. It felt…

"Good." Raven moved to stand next to a window and stare outside. If she moved just the right way, she could see the skyscraper that was next to her apartment building. She could see the whole metropolis as if it were a picture laid out for her. People were in those buildings, living their happy (or unhappy) lives, completely unaware of what was going on behind the walls of the T-shaped sentinel. Raven felt something strange rise up into her throat, threatening to choke her. It felt like… compassion, almost. Like she had the desire to protect those unsuspecting lives. There were criminals were in those buildings too, and she used to be there with them. But now, she had the opportunity to be something else, something different. She had the opportunity to be what her mentor had always told her: something good.

Raven took a deep breath and let it out slowly, letting that realization sink into her. She was standing in Titan tower, requesting help to keep the universe safe from herself, but maybe – just maybe – she had come here to search for her own salvation. Maybe she had come here to be reminded that there was goodness in her, and that she should use it.

"It's yours if you want it."

Raven jumped in surprise and turned around to see Robin leaning against the doorway and watching her move around the room. She swallowed hard, suddenly feeling as if Robin had heard her inner-most thoughts as if they were shouted over a megaphone. She pushed a few strands of hair out of her face and looked back out the window. "I can't stay here. You know that."

"You can't go back to your apartment." He walked into the room, and the door closed with a magnetic hiss. "Slade knows where you live, he knows your partner, he knows your steps. He will hunt you at all possible costs. You are the keystone to his plan. If you go back to your apartment, you'll be playing right into his hands, and he will not let that opportunity slip from him again."

Raven looked back at him and sighed, running her fingertips over an empty bookshelf. "I know that."

Robin gave an aggravated sigh. "I told you not to get involved with him."

"In my defense, it wasn't exactly like I was expecting him to turn out to be a member of the Brotherhood of Evil." Raven rolled her eyes and looked back at him, trying to read his expression through his mask. He kept his face blank, and Raven suddenly had the strongest desire to see his electric blue eyes again. At least she could read him easier that way. She turned away again and hid her blush from him, now was not the time to be thinking about his eyes. "I'm not staying here, it doesn't matter what you say."

"I can't let you go back to the apartment and live where Slade knows your address."

"I'm not going back to the apartment, Robin. It's not like I don't have other safe houses and places to crash. Besides, if worse comes to worse, I am well versed in Hotel chez Cardboard Box." Raven watched as he visibly winced at her allusion to her past. She rolled her eyes again. "And I can't leave my partner, you know I won't."

Robin's wince turned into a frown and he growled low in his throat at the mention of Red X. "He's just a thief, Raven. He doesn't deserve your concern. You're better than that, and I would like to point out that is was under his suggestion that you put yourself in danger in last night. You played right into Slade's plan because he asked you to, and you followed him blindly, nearly getting yourself killed."

"That was my choice."

"No, it wasn't." Robin stepped closer to her, pulling himself to his full height. "You knew what Slade was capable of and what he could do to you, and yet you went after him anyway. Why? Because Red X urged you to go. Coerced you to go. Did whatever it took so that you were blind to the danger."

Raven felt her lips snarl at him, but deep inside she knew Robin was right. Slade had made her feel slimy and creepy and used, but the moment Red X had tossed around those seven numbers, she let him lead her like a lamb to slaughter. And she just forgave him when she was attacked. But still… he was the only one who had helped her from the gutter where she was left. He was the first one who ever looked at her like a person, and not like some kind of freak.

"He's my friend." Raven paused and thought about her own words as they hung between them. She had never really thought about Red X as a friend, but maybe he was. Or, maybe he really was just a pain in the ass that she had to deal with on a regular basis. Either way, she didn't want to leave him alone when he might have been in danger, not after everything he'd done for her. "Well, he's close enough anyway… I'm not leaving him."

"He's not a friend, Raven. Friends don't let you dance with Slade's hands all over you, friends don't throw you onto a yacht surrounded by villains, and friends don't just run away when you are attacked." Robin's voice was harsh now, as if he were insulted by the fact that she considered Red X a friend, and as if he were worried she was going to run back to him.

"Look, I don't see why you've got yourself worked up over this." Raven pointed a finger into his chest and felt the energy crackle and hiss between them. She was actually quite surprised nothing had exploded yet. "I'm not leaving him to the mercy or Slade and Brother Blood, that's the end of that."

"I'm not leaving you." Robin moved closer to her, pushing her finger out of the way. "Aside from the fact that you are a ticking time-bomb just waiting to explode, and you need someone both watching and protecting you at all times, and you have one of the world's most brutal mercenaries out there looking for you… the truth of the matter is that you are better than a common thief. I've seen what you're capable of, Raven. I've seen the amazing things that you can do and I want to see you do them. You deserve to do something good with your powers, not just something that makes you money."

"I'm happy, don't try to change me."

"You're not happy, you're complacent."

Raven felt the snarl before she had a chance to stop it. "Don't try and counsel me, Robin. I'm not one of your teammates, I don't need pep-talks and babying."

"No, you're not one of my teammates…" He looked away before catching her stare again. "But I wish you were. I wish you were here, in this, room being my teammate, and being my friend. I wish you were closer to me, and closer to being good."

Raven glared at him and rocked back on her heels, trying to put space between them without looking like she was backing down. Every time they were closed to one another, this happened. They just stood there and attacked each other until one of them gave up and realized there was no point in fighting. Why did it have to be like this? Why couldn't Robin just leave her alone? "I just don't understand what you see in me. I'm a criminal, wanted by the federal government, I don't hang around the most savory characters. Just leave me be."

"I don't understand how you can't see it, Raven. You are beautiful, and funny, and smart, and filled with… this." He motioned to her. "And yet you're wasting all of that on him?"

She swallowed hard and retreated to the shadows in the room. What was this burning feeling in her chest? It felt like fire was ripping through her lungs until she couldn't breathe. "Why do I get the feeling that this has nothing to do with my powers…"

"Because it doesn't!" His face paled and he turned around, moving farther away from her and leaving the echo of his words hanging between them. "Never mind. It's just not important, so forget about it." He sighed and opened the door, effectively ending the conversation and leaving Raven with more questions than answers. "If you'd rather put yourself in danger and be on the other side of the law, then go ahead. It's not my problem, and I have more important things to worry about then policing you."

Raven snarled at him. "Fine. Glad to know we reached an agreement."

"Mm… guess that is a good thing. By the way, the consensus was to help you…" He glanced over his shoulder at her, expression unreadable behind the mask. "We start tomorrow."

)O(

Holy Shit Balls, Batman! I did stuff! Yes, I did finally post this. Sorry, I've had a few disasters happen at work and it's consumed my life. Which it shouldn't, because it's just work. So, anyway, yeah. I'm hoping to have the next chapter out soon, along with "To Claim and Possess" if anyone is reading that.

Also, if there's anyone out there interested: I have an idea for a story that I would L-O-V-E to write/help write if anyone is up for a tag-team effort. My synopsis is on my profile page at the bottom of the Bio area. So, if you're interested in a Robin/Raven tag-team story, then PM me and we'll talk. Or, if you're just interested in reading 3500 words of unedited nonsense, let me know too. I'll send that along.

Anyway. Thanks for reading, and let me know what you think!