It wasn't as though there was a right or wrong way to date someone.
Well, to be more accurate, there were many wrong ways to date someone. These ways involved – broadly – lack of consent, lack of communication, violence, or other unhealthy or abusive behavior.
But when those extreme examples were set aside, there were no rules one really had to follow.
He believed in emotional honesty when possible so he wouldn't pretend that he wasn't disappointed that after their lovely dinner and Burn surprising Charlie with a second ten-cheese pasta that they ended up sharing and the way Charlie's eyes had been shining when Burn had dropped him off that he wasn't a little disappointed that Charlie had left without kissing him.
But this wasn't some sort of Hollywood story. Charlie had clearly had a good time and wanted to see him again outside of their sessions and the lack of a kiss that first time didn't spell doom for their nascent courtship.
In all probability it wouldn't work out. Most relationships didn't. But that was no reason to be pessimistic at the start. There were a lot of reasons why Charlie hadn't kissed him, from Charlie worrying about his breath to having a no kissing on the first date rule to him not realizing Burn wanted him to to…to…any number of reasons! Perhaps Charlie had literally never heard of the concept. Stranger things had happened, he was sure.
If they hadn't kissed but continued to date and didn't even speak about it after a few more weeks he would bring it up but for now he would try to put it out of his mind and go slightly mad about it only in his spare moments.
"Are you sure this isn't like one of Dee's things?" Charlie asked, looking around the room. "It looks the same. Well, I like the decorations better but I don't think that'd make a difference."
Every spare inch of the comedy club they were in was covered with comedy movie posters and there was comedy merchandise on proud display over a large section of the lobby. Burn had actually been here before, though not in nearly a year, and he still found himself noticing new décor he had not spotted before.
It took Burn a moment to realize what Charlie was talking about. "You mean open mic nights? No, I believe this place has them and that the performers get drinks for free but I've never gone. If I'm paying I would want to be assured of quality which you simply cannot be when anyone can perform. And I get very bad second-hand embarrassment sometimes so if someone were really bad it would make me miserable."
Charlie nodded. "Yeah, definitely don't go see Dee perform, though. I mean, it's kind of funny watching her bomb up there every week and she knows what she's getting into. She just thinks putting herself through the same thing every week will be, like, helping her career by paying her dues or something even though she hasn't gotten any better or more comfortable up there. One time Dee and I were, like, trying to walk a mile in each other's shoes and so I had to go up and she told me to make sure I had nothing in my stomach so I could only dry heave and not throw up. And, like, I laughed at her I think but I did listen and I didn't do any better than she did up there. But my goal isn't to be an actor and I only went the once."
Burn shuddered. "That sounds horrific."
"I certainly didn't enjoy that night," Charlie said. "Have you ever gone up there, though? You wouldn't have to pay and free drinks sounds nice."
Burn spared a thought for the idea of him getting in front of a large crowd of people and inviting their laughter. "No."
Charlie laughed. "Ah, well, I guess neither of us were meant to be comedians. But that's fine. You're a fancy doctor and I own a bar anyway."
"Somehow we will have to swallow our disappoint and carry on as best we can," Burn said dryly.
Charlie laughed again. "So what is this then?"
"Well in addition to open mic nights they teach improv and book professional stand-up comics to perform. But we're going to see an improv show. They'll be a couple of performers playing improv games that involve the audience shouting out suggestions when asked for them. There's one where they have one of them leave the room while we give details about a fictional funeral for a famous person including who they were with, what they were doing, where they were, how they died, and a twist. The performer has to give a eulogy and figure out all the details from if the other performers cough or nod along. They say 'hallelujah' when they get something exactly right. The more ridiculous the better."
"Really?" Charlie looked fascinated. "So if I shouted out Chase Utley was with Christopher Lloyd doing karate at a strip club in Vatican City and tripped over a kitten in the middle of a tornado they'd be able to guess that?"
Burn laughed. "Eventually, yes. They're very good at what they do so they start off broad. They'll say we are here to celebrate the life of a man and then if they heard coughing they'd say 'by which I mean a woman' or something like that. It's amazing how fast they can lock onto some of these when there are infinite possibilities. But you won't be able to give all the answers. I usually limit myself to one, maybe two, per improv game. One time I went with a friend of mine and she just would not stop shouting things and they used a lot of them. That's the good thing about having gotten here early and sitting in the front. It's harder for them to hear the people in the second row and just forget about anyone seated further back."
"I bet I'm going to have just the weirdest things to shout out," Charlie said. Usually when Charlie said something like that he looked at least a little upset but now he looked almost excited.
Burn smiled at him. "I hope so! The more out there the better. There's this one game that's sort of like Mad Libs. The actors are given a basic scenario and act it out and every so often gesture to the audience to finish their sentence. If they start off saying 'this town isn't big enough for' and then gesture to us the obvious answer is 'the two of us' but it's just not as funny."
"This town isn't big enough for my army of dinosaurs," Charlie said.
"Exactly, that's good! Especially if dinosaurs hadn't been mentioned at all before because they have to make it work and not comment on the strangeness," Burn said.
"I think I could be good at this," Charlie said.
Burn reached over and grabbed Charlie's hand, squeezing it. "I think you'll be amazing."
Charlie grinned at him.
Burn was strangely reluctant to let go of Charlie's hand but he couldn't very well just hold it during the show.
"If you like this one there's another improv show about half an hour after this one ends. We'll get in for free because we went to this one and not as many people go to the later one. This one is mostly appropriate but there are no holds barred on the second showing. They call it the naughty show. There's only a one drink minimum for that one and a two drink minimum for here," Burn explained.
"I do like free things," Charlie said, tapping his chin. "But this could suck. It probably won't because I trust you but I don't want to go around promising anything before I know for sure."
Burn laughed. "Thank you for your entirely half-hearted endorsement, Charlie."
Charlie nodded with mock-solemnity. "You're welcome, Doc."
Burn glanced over and saw the waiter had started to take drink orders a few tables down. "I usually just order both of my drinks now so I don't have to try and get his attention during the show. Even using the light boxes doesn't guarantee they'll spot you and come over in my experience if it's crowded enough and too many people also want drinks. Do you know what you want?"
"I should probably look at the menu," Charlie said, a strange almost transgressive look on his face.
Charlie's reading abilities were still far, far below where they should be had he been given access to the proper diagnosis and assistance when he was a child but he had been quite insistent on reading as many things as possible when they were together to prove that now he could and the world began to make a little more sense. Burn was rather awed that he had managed to get by for so long with such a limited reading ability though Charlie still had trouble wrapping his mind around the idea that his working around what he had long perceived as a sign of his stupidity was anything not to be deeply ashamed of, let alone proud of.
After a few minutes, Charlie started laughing.
"What?" Burn asked, his own eyes scanning the menu and finding nothing particularly amusing. As always, he was rather tempted to try the Shirley Temple given the name and description but he was rather worried it would prove too sweet for him.
"Nothing, it's just…I think I might have a better idea of what this means than you do," Charlie said. He was pointing at the mixed drinks. "I work at a bar and you've said you choose your drinks based on name and color."
Burn shrugged. "Well I have to choose them based on something."
"You could go by what they taste like."
"That only works if I'm familiar with the drink," Burn said.
"Or if you're familiar with the ingredients. They list them right here. No one expects people who just walk into a bar to know all the specialty drinks the bar has," Charlie said. "I mean, come on, even Paddy's does mixed drinks even if we're total dicks to any dude that orders one. This drink right here. Vodka, Don Q, Blue Curacao, Raspberry Liqueur, Sprite, Sweet & Sour. How many of those things are you familiar with?"
"Vodka and Sprite. Maybe Sweet & Sour? I think it's a mixer."
Charlie gave a long-suffering sigh. "It is, yes. It's made of lemon or lime juice, simple syrup, and ice. Don Q is Puerto Rican rum. Blue Curacao is liqueur from this Caribbean island called Curacao that's made from some kind of bitter orange peel and it's only blue because the guy thought it'd look cool. Which it does. Then raspberry liqueur has black and red raspberries, vanilla, honey, cognac, and like an orange or lemon or lime peel."
Burn leaned back, impressed. "You really know your alcohol."
Charlie beamed at him, ducking his head a bit. "I should hope so. I mean, I do own a bar and alcohol is only one of my favorite things in the world. But you really think I know a lot?"
"Well," Burn said, smiling back, "keep in mind just who you're talking to and how pathetic my own knowledge of alcohol is but, yes, I really think so. And given that I've literally never heard you mention any other alcohol but beer I'm even more surprised."
"Oh, well, beer is my favorite but it's not everyone's poison and if you're going to just get blasted then that takes too long anyway," Charlie explained. He hesitated. "I could maybe…tell you about the things in the drinks? So you'll know whether you like it or not?"
Burn wordlessly scooted his chair closer to Charlie's so they could see the menu at the same time and pointed to the drink that's name sounded most appealing.
Charlie shifted slightly in his seat so he was closer to Burn and began to explain.
"I'm just saying, that was probably the best thing I've ever seen," Charlie said enthusiastically as they walked out of the show later that night. "I mean, after Thunder Gun Express but this certainly involved less running through sewers and getting arrested for impersonating a tour guide – that wasn't me but it happened."
"Yes, this was certainly less complicated than whatever trials and tribulations that movie apparently caused."
"It wasn't our fault," Charlie claimed. "Well, okay, maybe that tour boat thing was a little bit Frank's fault. But the president had come to the city so everything was a mess and we had pre-bought our tickets."
Burn laughed. "Do you really think I'm going to start lecturing you, Charlie? From what I remember that movie came out seven or eight years ago."
"That is true," Charlie agreed. "If you lectured me on all the illegal crap my friends and I have done ever you might as well just follow me home and literally never stop talking."
Burn cocked his head. "I don't know whether to ask about why you apparently have so very many crimes under your belt or why you apparently view me as some sort of…I don't know…lecture tyrant or something."
Charlie laughed. "It's not that…lecture tyrant, man…I just know that outside of the wai…outside of one other person you're like the only one in my life who gives a crap if I do all that shit."
"I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing."
"It's a good thing," Charlie said quietly. "I mean, I don't want too much of that in my life because there is definitely some illegalness happening on any given day but, like…some of it's nice. When it's you."
"Oh."
They reach the car but before Burn unlocks it, he says, "I timed it out. I had two drinks slowly over the course of an hour and a half and then ordered something not alcoholic for the last show. It's been more than two hours since I consumed something alcoholic. I know I'm alright to drive."
Charlie blinked at him, puzzled. "Dude, what are you even talking about?"
"I know I've been drinking," Burn said. "But I would never engage in drunk driving."
"Oh. That's…good? I guess? I mean, I drive sometimes and I have no idea how to drive and Frank does sometimes and he can't see nearly well enough to make that safe and the amount of times I've been in a car with someone who is drunk or high on something is just…I couldn't even count it."
"Charlie!" Burn exclaims, stricken.
"I'm trying to say, I'm not worried," Charlie said.
"Well I am. That's terribly unsafe behavior! Your friends shouldn't be driving under those conditions – you shouldn't be driving at all – and if you can't stop them the least you could do is not risk yourself as well by riding with them."
Charlie looked maddeningly unconcerned. "Come on, Doc, you know I'm practically indestructible."
"Your impressive survival skills aside, no one is simply immune from the effects of car crashes," Burn told him. "Please promise me you'll be more careful."
Charlie looked fondly at him, like Burn was being overprotective and it was adorable. "I'll try. For your sake."
"I'd rather it was for yours," Burn said. "But I'll take it."
They got into the car then and as Burn drove back towards Charlie's apartment, Charlie animatedly reenacted his favorite parts of the show.
Burn parked when he was in front of Charlie's building.
Charlie looked quizzical when Burn got out of the car. "What are you doing?"
"I thought I'd walk you to your door," Burn said. "I'm not so ridiculous as to take the lift to your floor and come down here on my own but there's a perfectly good apartment building door right there just waiting for someone to walk someone to it. I thought maybe those two someones could be us."
The door was maybe twenty feet away. There was really no call for it. He rather hoped Charlie would let him do it anyway.
Charlie snorted. "Elevator. But…yeah. Why not?"
"I…had a really good time tonight," Burn said, feeling just how ridiculous and juvenile such a thing was even as he said it. But he couldn't think of a damn other thing to say and he didn't just want to walk in silence.
Charlie smiled up at him. "I did, too." They got to the door. "This is me."
"I feel like I'm in some insipid movie."
"I don't know what insipid means but it'd be cool to be in a movie," Charlie replied.
"I think it'd depend what kind of movie. I wouldn't want to be in a zombie apocalypse film, for example."
"Dude, I think I'd kick ass in a zombie apocalypse type scenario. Like, Mac and I have been talking about it for years because you never know, you know? Though I think he's more planning for rapture in case him being pretty gay ruins things for him on that front. I would kick so much ass in a zombie apocalypse. I'd bash them all and I'd bite them before they bit me and it'd be awesome."
"Even if that did happen, I think I'd prefer the relative safety and convenience of our current reality," Burn said.
Charlie laughed softly. "Safety? I'm surprised no one's tried to steal your car yet and we can still see it."
"I have grave concerns about this neighborhood, Charlie."
"Yeah, you really should. But, uh, just so you know if we do happen to have like a zombie apocalypse or any other kind of apocalypse then I'd protect you. I mean, you're super smart and all so you'd probably be really helpful like blowing up or curing or whatever the zombies but maybe not so good at dealing with them when they're trying to eat your brains. So I could help there."
Burn couldn't help the smile that came to his face at that. This whole thing was so ridiculous. "There's no one I'd rather save me from getting eaten by zombies."
"And there are very few people I'd want to save more," Charlie said.
Burn laughed and playfully glared at him.
"Hey, it's a tough list! You're definitely top five."
"Well, as long as I'm one of the five people you'd most want to save from being eaten by a zombie…"
He and Charlie stood there for a few moments, just smiling at each other and enjoying the company.
Burn really couldn't say who moved first but he no longer had to worry about the first kiss.
Or the second.
Or the eighth.
