V: Hey guys. We're back with another chapter of Pirate Guy. That's right. 'Pirate Guy' will now be the official name of this story. This is it's permanent name now.
Sorry about all of this chaos and confusion. I sincerely apologize.
B: Oh, and in the next chapter after this one, or the one after, there will be plenty of rants. Some might be funny, but there will definitely be one that will make you all laugh. Anyway, enjoy.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Family Guy belongs to Seth McFarlane and Captain Jake and the Never Land Pirates belongs to Disney Junior.
Chapter 8: The Problem With Soap
It was noon. Jake was now done with everything he had to do. He cut up all of the fruits and vegetables, fixed them up, took the wheelbarrows back to where they belonged, and headed back to sleep.
Cubby had apparently woken up at nine and wasn't surprised that his two friends were still asleep. After all, they worked their butts of last night. Cubby had decided to go take a nice bath, to keep him awake.
He headed downstairs to fix some breakfast for himself, and he saw everything Jake had done. The only thing that was missing was a turkey, but they would deal with that later.
It was noon and Cubby and Skully were the only ones awake. The boy decided to do a wake up prank on them.
He got something from a drawer, and shook it. It was an air horn.
He went to Jake and honked it.
HONK!
Jake woke up with a jump and hit his head on the bottom of the Cubby's bed.
"OW!"
"Cubby?" Izzy asked waking up. "Was that really necessary?"
"Heh... sorry." He chuckled awkwardly.
"Cubby... there are other ways, you know?"
"Look, let's just get our late breakfast. What did you make anyway?" Izzy asked.
"Well, I made some pancakes and set up orange juice. That's all."
"Then, let's eat." Jake said heading downstairs.
Cubby was dumbfounded. "Wait... you're not the least bit mad at me?"
"Umm, no. Why would I be?" Jake asked in confusion. "Today's Thanksgiving. I'm not fighting today. Plus, we've got plenty of new people to see this evening."
"Oh yeah. But lets try to make a good impression for ourselves, okay?" Cubby asked.
"Sure, why not? After all, were going to need to. We dont want to make ourselves look bad, now do we?"
"Yeah, you're definitely right about that." Izzy replied. Then suddenly, they heard a loud bang. It was coming from the hideout entrance. They went down and opened it to see Peter Griffin. They looked behind him to see a small wooden paddle boat on the shore.
"Oh, ahoy, Peter. Is there any way we can we help you sir?" Jake asked.
"Yes. Um, do you mind if I use your bathroom to take a shower? I havent had one in weeks." Peter said.
"Wait, weeks?!" Izzy asked dumbfounded. "But, you dont have a stench on you or anything like that." Cubby stated.
"I know. I just want to have one since my dog Brian said I smelled like an old man. So lead me the way to your lavatory, if you please." Jake and his crew were confused.
"Lavatory?" They all asked in unison.
"It means bathroom, but smart people say it, now please show me where it is so I can also take a massive dump and clog your toilet before I take a bath."
"Umm, sure." Jake said awkwardly, as he was a little bit stunned . "Crew, you can go have breakfast, I'll take him." Jake said as he lead Peter to the bathroom.
"Is this it?" He asked to be sure. "Yep."
"Alright. But before I go, I honestly have no idea how long I'm going to be in there, so I'll take to you little one's later." Peter then entered and locked the door behind him. He took off all of his clothes and went inside the shower.
He turned on the water for the bathtub, put the cork in so the water wouldn't go down the drain. He then layed down, on his back as he sighed.
"Ahh, man. I haven't felt this happy since I had sex with Lois through our entire bedroom."
(Cutaway Begins)
Peter and Lois were in their bedroom having sex while standing up and walking around.
They were basically just hugging each other, and kissing. They were moaning and groaning a lot. Then, they fell down, still moaning, then Peter said something crazy.
"Aww, Yeah. I'm gonna do you right where the porn lunch was." Peter said.
"What?" Lois questioned, thinking she misheard, but she didn't.
"I said, I'm gonna do you right where the porn lunch was. God, I'd wish you'd listen." Peter complained, but he made a big mistake saying that.
(Cutaway Ends)
Jake and his crew were now eating their pancakes and drinking their orange juice while Skully was enjoying some crackers.
"Hey Jake, did you manage to do everything yet?" Izzy asked.
"Oh yeah, don't worry Izzy, this will be the best Thanksgiving party ever. We've got Wendy, John, Michael, Peter Pan, Peter Griffin and his family and friends."
"Hey, Jake? I know this seems a bit off topic but, how come you're not wearing your usual captain clothing?" Cubby curiously asked.
"Oh, well, they got dirty the day before we met them, which is pretty strange, but don't worry about. They'll be clean and ready to be worn in two days, don't worry. They just need some time to dry off. Now then, the Thanksgiving party, everything is set up, right?"
Three little nods. "Okay, the only thing we're missing is a turkey, but I'm pretty sure that they'll probably handle
but little did they know that they would be disturbed by some certain words.
Peter was putting soap all over his body while the shower was watering him. Yes, he was spinning around, letting the water go over him, while he was putting soap on him. Then, it slipped out of his hand.
"Woops, little slippery there, aren't we?" He said as he tried to pick it up and prevailed, only for it to slip out of his hand again, landing outside of the tub.
"Oh, son of a bitch." He said angrily as he knelt down on one leg and put his hand out of the tub, and grabbed the soap bar again. He put it under his armpits, but once again, it slipped out, but he caught it again, and the same thing kept happening. He would grab it and it would slip out of his hand and he would grab it before it touched the floor and it would slip out of his hand again.
"Gah… come on!" He complained as it kept slipping, but then, it bounced.
It hit both of his eyes. He held his eyes as he screamed in pain. In fact, he was so loud, that he was heard throughout the entire hideout.
"OWWW! OWWW! DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT! GOD, DAMN IT!" He screamed. The kids were in shock of hearing those words. Whoever knew that someone's mouth could be so dirty. But still, they tried to keep their composure, but it was incredibly difficult as Peter continued.
"OWWW! GOD DAMN IT! WHO THE HELL WOULD MAKE SOAP THIS SLIPPERY! WHO'S THE FUCKING RETARD THAT MADE THIS BRAND OF SOAP!? I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD, TOMORROW, I AM GOING TO THE COMPANY TO KICK THIS GUY'S ASS! OWW, IT FUCKING HURTS, DAMN IT!"
Jake and his crew were more than shocked, more than baffled either. They covered their ears, so they wouldn't hear it, but Peter was just too loud.
"SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! IT STINGS! IT FUCKING STINGS! HOW ARE YOU KIDS NOT HEARING THIS RIGHT NOW!? AREN'T YOU GOING TO COME UP AND FUCKING HELP ME, FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST!? OWW! FUCKING COCK! FUCKING, GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!"
"Oh, man. We should probably help him if we don't want to hear those words, crew." Jake said as he grabbed his captain's sword and ran up to the bathroom. He knew the door was locked, so he was going to have to break it open, but when he reached it, Peter managed to open the door with one hand, and the other covering his eyes.
He even left the water running, still.
"Okay, okay, sir, please calm down!" Jake asked frantically.
"HOW THE HELL CAN I CALM DOWN IF I HAVE SOAP IN MY EYES!?" Peter yelled in pain and in anger.
"Sir, I know this will be hard, but please open your eyes." Peter did just that as he revealed his eyes and they were completely pink.
"Okay, now just go to the sink, and-" Jake said as he took Peter's hand and led him to the sink, but Peter interrupted, harshly.
"WHY THE FUCK DO I NEED WATER TO BURN MY EYES EVEN MORE, KID!?"
"Peter, please just trust me." Jake said he turned on the sink, sat Peter down, and started to rub some lukewarm water on his eyes, and his face.
He did the same thing for ten minutes and Peter just screamed. He didn't say anything. He just screamed, but as time passed, his screams got softer and quieter until when the ten minutes was up, he wasn't screaming at all. His eyes were healed, but he still had some red veins in them.
"There you go. If I'm right, you're eyes will heal up within the hour. But, next time you're hurt, please don't yell those types of words." Jake asked politely.
"Yeah, sure. Sorry about that. It seems like everything always go wrong and gets exhausting, even something as simple as going to the bank."
(Cutaway Begins)
Peter and Meg were walking to the banker while Peter was talking to his daughter.
"Meg, you've probably wondered from time to time, how on Earth I pay for all of my shenanigans. Well, I'm gonna show you."
Peter then pulled out a gun.
"THIS IS A ROBBERY! EVERYBODY GET ON THE FUCKING GROUND!" He shouted. Everyone got on the ground.
"IF THIS BITCH MOVES, SHOOT HIM IN THE EYE!" Peter ordered Meg as he gave her a gun.
"Dad, I don't wanna do this!" Meg pleaded.
"YOU HAVE TO! NEXT WEEK, WE'RE BUYING A ZEBRA!" Peter then broke the glass with his gun.
"Dad!"
"There's no time to argue! We've got a hundred and fifty seconds before the police respond to the silent alarm! Now check those bags for dye packs!" Peter shouted loudly, giving Meg a handful of money. Meg was silently crying.
"WHO'S THE MANAGER HERE!?" Peter asked loudly.
"I-I am..." The man with the glasses, blond hair and tuxedo said, but then Meg shot him multiple times in the head, killing him with blood leaking out of his head.
Meg was now crying again.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Peter yelled, louder than before.
"YOU SAID IF HE MOVES, SHOOT HIM!"
"He's the only one with the combination to the safe! It's blown! It's blown! This whole operation is blown! I'll get the car, you kill everyone else!"
(Cutaway Ends)
Izzy and Cubby were waiting for Peter to come back downstairs as he was done with the place until the party.
"I don't think I'm ever going to get that out of my head." Izzy said.
"Yeah... that's going to haunt me in my nightmares." Cubby said, shaking in his boots.
"Well, hopefully, that won't happen during the big party we're having tonight." Izzy hoped. Peter came walking out with Jake.
Peter just remained silent. Only said one word as he passed by them to head to his boat.
"Sorry."
He got on his wooden boat, and sailed away, rowing.
Lois was waiting for him at Shipwreck Beach. She was getting awfully impatient. Then again, this was Peter, so obviously he'd screw something up.
She then saw him in the distance, coming to shore.
A minute later, the boat got on to the sand.
"Peter, there you are. Where the hell have you been? I've been worried sick." Lois said calmly.
"Sorry, I had to take a shower. Brian told me to just find someone with a house or anything and ask if he could use their bathroom."
"Did you clog their toilet?"
"No."
"Good, now let's get moving. Daddy's getting the ship he stole ready for tonight."
"Alright." And they walked back to where everyone was staying.
Three hours later...
It was now near dusk as the sky was partly red.
Peter Griffin and the others were getting ready. Well actually, they had nothing, so they just walked to the ship where Carter was.
"Okay. You all remember the plan." Peter said to Quagmire, Joe and Cleveland. "We walk up wearing our Bill Cosby masks-" Peter said pulling out a Barack Obama mask, but Cleveland interrupted.
"Peter, that's President Obama." Cleveland corrected. Peter looked carefully and Cleveland was right.
"Oh, did I just do a racism?"
They all finally arrived at Shipwreck Beach.
"ALL ABOARD THE JOLLY ROGER, BITCHES AND GENTLEMEN!" Carter shouted from the ship.
Carter extended the walkway, and let everyone on.
"Alright everyone, let's get moving!"
Meanwhile, Izzy was landing on Pirate Island with Wendy,
John and Michael with her. Jake and Cubby were inside with some finishing touches in the room where the feast would be held.
Before they got into the hideout, Izzy noticed the Jolly Roger headed this way.
"I'd better tell Jake." She said, running into the hideout.
"You guys go to our bedroom and wait there." Izzy asked.
Jake was just leaving the room with Cubby, when Izzy came rushing in.
"Guys, the Jolly Roger is headed this way!" She exclaimed.
Immediately, Jake ran outside, and checked through his spyglass to see a big surprise. It wasn't Captain Hook and his crew.
It was Peter Griffin and the others.
"Wait, why is Peter aboard the Jolly Roger? And why is someone else sailing it?" Jake asked surprised.
Thirty seconds later, the ship arrived at shore, and Carter let down the walkway. Everyone, including Carter got off.
"Alright, let's get the feast started, I'm starving." Quagmire said impatient.
But then, they heard a rooster call from the sky.
"What the hell was that?" Lois asked in confusion.
"PETER PAN!" The crew shouted in excitement as the green clothing boy landed.
"Ahoy, mateys!" He yelled as he hugged his beloved crew.
"Who the fuck is this queer?" Peter asked.
"Peter Griffin, Peter Pan. Peter Pan, Peter Griffin." Jake introduced.
The two people of the same name just stared at each other awkwardly.
"Hi." Peter Griffin said.
"Hi." The other Peter replied.
"So... what do you do for a living?" Griffin asked.
"Oh, plenty. I usually like to-"
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Lets go." Peter then walked into the hideout, following everyone inside.
V: Well, it looks like next chapter, there could be some laughs. I hope. See y'all later!
