My Hope is built on Nothing Less
Chapter 8 - Dreams
By JTrevizo
Thank you all again for continuing to follow this story. And for those of you that took the time to let me know that you were not adverse to our heroes continuing their naked escapades, I thank you for the support. This chapter actually has some overtones of that but does deal with some more serious matters. Ones that still had yet to be mentioned, including some matters around those naked adventures. Now let's get to the story…
-x-
My Hope is built on Nothing Less
Chapter 8 - Dreams
By JTrevizo
When Oliver launched himself upright in bed, eyes unfocused, breathing heavily and body covered with sweat his only thought was that he was glad that he'd actually had three full nights of sleep before he'd been slammed with one of his nightmares.
He slammed his eyes shut, the memory of his nightmare still rattling around in his head as he wiped his hand over his damp face. Before he'd come home to Starling City three years ago he'd had more than his fair share of nightmare fodder. John had been so very right in identifying the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in that first year. Between the island, Hong Kong and Russia, he'd racked up a lifetime's worth of horrors and regrets. Then the last three years home again had added to it - The Undertaking, Tommy, his mom, Slade's revenge, Ra's…
Oliver glanced over and found Felicity curled up on 'her' side of the bed, still asleep. He let out a tremulous breath at that. In his dream he'd been shouting at the top of his lungs for her, but in reality he must have been silent.
He shook his head a bit, hand running over his still shorn hair as he grimaced, trying to dislodge the images of blood and pain from his subconscious.
Sighing he looked at the alarm clock on his side which read 3am. He rolled his shoulders and swiveled his head and neck, trying to rid himself of the clenched muscles that had come along with the nightmare. After a few minutes he grabbed at the covers of the bed and carefully slipped out from under them. He needed to work off the tension and he was going to need to leave the room for that.
Carefully he went to the drawers of the dresser he'd chosen as his and slipped out the pair of swim trunks he'd brought, thinking there would be an ocean stop somewhere along the route as well as a pair of sweats. Then he grabbed his room key and headed to the stairs, taking one last quick glance at Felicity's sleeping form before he headed down to the main floor and into the elevator.
The infinity pool was on the 6th floor, so Oliver had to go to the lobby and switch elevators. He didn't look around for anyone in the lobby, but expected that a night staff was probably around. When he got to the 6th floor he stepped out of the elevator and walked past the spa and gym, both quiet at this hour. Then he made it to the door to the pool and swiped his card to get in. The walls again were glass, showing the city lights. He dropped his key card and sweats on one of the white chaise lounge chairs and then turned to the crystal blue pool.
Climbing in, Oliver took a minute to get used to the water temperature, then let himself slide under the water, eyes closing as he let the water surround him and shut out everything, trying to turn off his mind. Bracing his feet on the bottom of the shallow pool he launched himself up until his head and shoulders broke the surface, and then he brought his right arm up out of the water, slicing through the air and back into the water, propelling him forward as his left swiftly came up, the strokes of his arms and his kicking legs in a well remembered manner. As he hit the end of the pool he flipped underwater and launched himself back in the opposite direction, powering his way through the water the way he'd come.
He lapped the pool over and over, the rhythmic movements as he cut through the water helping him focus simply on his form, allowing his mind to only focus on this one task and thereby dislodging the memory of the dream and the very real fears that it was rooted in.
After what seemed like hours he finally eased up, coming back to the end of the pool he had started at and climbed out. Grabbing a waiting towel he wrapped it around his waist and then slid the soaked shorts off his legs, then climbed into the sweats before removing his towel. Placing the soaked trunks in the first towel he grabbed up another along with his key card and headed back to the elevators, one arm holding the rolled up towel and shorts while he rubbed the other towel over the rest of him.
Minutes later he was back in the penthouse suite and dropped his towel encased shorts in the bathroom, knowing they needed to send their clothes to the in house dry cleaners soon. Then he padded back into the bedroom, hoping that Felicity was still asleep and unaware that he'd been gone. He rubbed his head with the second towel, making sure that he wasn't still wet anywhere and when his eyes swung to the bed he found her sitting up against the pillows, glasses on and tablet in hand.
Her head whipped up and he could see the mixed emotions in her eyes, hiding slightly behind her lenses. She sighed briefly and placed the tablet on the side table and then leaned forward, knees coming up for her to wrap her arms around. Oliver sighed and moved to sit on the bed in front of her, hand automatically reaching out to lay over her covered knee.
"Imagine my concern when I woke up half an hour ago to find the man who had been in bed with me when I fell asleep was gone," she said with a tired voice, worry etched into her face.
"I'm sorry. I woke up and…"
"Went to the pool to exercise for the last hour," Felicity noted, and Oliver's eyebrows raised in surprise. She rolled her eyes. "Please, I hacked the hotel's camera and card reader system and figured you'd swiped your key at the pool an hour ago. Don't think that just because things have significantly shifted in our relationship that I still can't find you if I have to. At least this time you didn't run off to Lian Yu, making me fly in an antiquated plane to get you..."
Oliver huffed out a laugh before he pressed his lips into a tight line as his eyes fell away from her face. They'd talked about a lot of things in the last few days, but he hadn't gotten detailed into where his head was at, where he'd been at before he felt like this new man that wasn't the Arrow, Al-Sah-him or Oliver Queen. But he was finding that the deeds of all of these parts of him were most definitely still with him.
Felicity's hand appeared out of nowhere to lay over his, and his eyes swept back up to see understanding and concern in equal measures in her expression. He sucked in a deep breath before he laid his other hand over hers, running his thumb over the smooth skin.
"I had a nightmare. When I woke up you were still asleep and I didn't want to disturb you. So…" he began before stopping, trying to decide how much he wanted to tell her at 4am. "When I first got back to Starling City my nightmares were extremely bad. I choked my mom my first night at the mansion. Since then, they've slowly receded, except when something new has added to the list."
"Like The Undertaking and Ra's?" Felicity guessed and Oliver nodded, his hand now slipping under hers and holding it gently in his.
"Of course there's a lot more than that. And when the past has come back to haunt me…" Oliver remarked, his eyes slipping to her throat before he caught her eyes once more.
"Slade."
Oliver nodded briefly. But that wasn't really the end of it. "Those big moments, big failures and losses… they're only part of what fuels my fears. I still have scars over those I couldn't save but the nightmares now… they're warnings, horrific glimpses into what could be. How I can still fail the people I care about…"
He didn't have to explicitly say it but Felicity understood what he meant, what kind of fears would drive him now, especially after they'd agreed to be something. Her hands pulled from his as she scooted closer to him on the bed, palms cupping his jaw tenderly.
"I can't do anything to help you absolve your guilt and hurt over things in the past. You know yourself that you need to let those things go. Anything you did or had to do to survive, to get back home was justified in the moment, no matter how much you might think otherwise," she strongly told him, forcing him to watch her as she said it, so he could see the truth and the trust she had for him in her face. "But now… you have to believe in the people you love being able to take care of themselves. To not let fear overtake love. You've changed so much since that first day I met you… let yourself be the man I could see inside, under the pain and the masks and the anger. Don't let yourself lose him out of fear."
Oliver swallowed tightly, his heart thudding in his chest as he felt her words wash through him, filling the dark cracks that had appeared with his nightmare with her belief in him, in them. He gave her a tight smile before he placed his hands over hers, twining their fingers together as he simply, honestly stated, "thank you."
"You're more than welcome. Now, how about we go back to bed for a while?"
"To sleep?"
Felicity shook her head a little, surprised at how quickly things had changed between them. Less than a year ago he was asking her out in the most stilted, nervous way possible and now he was behaving like he couldn't get enough of being with her…
"Yes. To sleep."
He frowned. She smiled. He smiled back.
Yes, things had significantly shifted. There wasn't any doubt about that. Especially when just smiling at one another was enough to make them both ridiculously happy. She patted the bed beside her with a wink that made Oliver's pulse race at the suggestiveness of the gesture.
"When we wake up we can consider doing… other things, without actually leaving the bed," she offered and felt herself shudder as she saw how he was looking at her, desire and need intertwined in his gaze. It almost made her change her mind, strip him of his sweats and have her way with him right this minute.
Almost.
"Alright."
With that Oliver swiftly moved to his side of the bed and climbed in under the covers, sliding up behind Felicity and wrapping his arms around her, pressing her tightly to him. He gave her a soft kiss against the back of her neck as she snuggled further into the cradle of his hips, tucking herself into the curve of his body before she let herself close her eyes and drift off to sleep, Oliver slowly following.
A few hours later the sun was shining into the room, lighting up the white washed walls and causing Felicity to groan as it shone straight at her closed eyelids. She pried them open to see the room fully engulfed in daylight and she sighed. Carefully she pushed herself up on one arm to look over Oliver's shoulder where he still lay sleeping behind her to check the clock at the bedside, finding it was already past eight.
Flopping back onto the bed, she turned over, facing Oliver, fingers tracing along his jaw line, rubbing over the fine stubble of his beard before lovingly caressing his lips. She shook her head minutely as she considered once again just how fortunate she was that this amazing, complex and caring man wanted her.
"Good morning. It's time to wake up," Felicity whispered directly into his ear, her hot breath tickling the shell,, and she felt his body shudder as he suddenly woke at her words and actions.
"Why?" he mumbled, stubbornly keeping his eyes closed even as he ran his hands along the bare planes of her skin, belaying his uninterested reply.
"Well, I think I kind of promised that you could have your way with me in this bed once we got some sleep…" she answered, a smile in her voice as she said it.
Oliver opened his eyes and she couldn't help the giggle that broke from her lips at the blazing look in his gaze as he stared at her. He licked his lips slowly and she could read exactly what he had in mind and felt her own body thrum at the prospect. She was starting to think that he was insatiable.
"You did," he replied, his voice husky from sleep as well as desire.
Before she could offer any reply, Felicity swiftly found herself flat on her back on the bed and caged under his larger frame. His hips settled between hers as he rested his upper body on his forearms and elbows, his head dropping down so he could capture her lips with his in a demanding, heated kiss.
"Oliver," she breathed out, fingers gripping his shoulders tightly as her knees moved up to bracket his sides.
His hips ground up against her center and she felt his erection through his sweat pants, hard and insistent and she moaned into his mouth. Her reaction to him had Oliver's mind churning, stunned once more at how responsive she was to him, how just like all the facets of their friendship and relationship, this came so naturally to them.
He continued to kiss her, tongue slipping past her open lips and plundering her mouth before he broke away, kissing, nipping and laving her skin along her jaw and slowly down her neck, taking his time even as one of his hands moved to caress her body, her silky skin bare to his touch under the covers.
Felicity twisted under his sensual assault under his, arching her body up into his and he grinned into her shoulder as he imagined every morning like this - waking up to her, kissing her awake and making love to her, for years to come. Coming home to her at night, to their home, with her wearing his ring and to their children racing to him at the door…
Oliver pulled up short, lips stilling on her collarbone as he realized that in all their discussions of the future they'd never talked about children. And then he suddenly registered that they'd been sleeping together… technically for months, even if it had only been four times, and he'd never questioned…
God, where had his brain been?
"Oliver?" she murmured, confused as to why he was stopping. She was certain that she hadn't said stop...
He sat up abruptly and ran a hand over his head, an obvious tell that she recognized and knew that he was concerned or stressed about something. She reached up to catch his other hand, trying to bring his focus back on her. When he did, the look on his face was confused, contrite and rather… nervous.
"Oliver what's going on? Is there… did I do something? I mean… I thought this, I mean we…" she rambled, sitting up as well, back pressed against the headboard as she pulled the sheets up around her.
"I feel rather stupid... having never asked this…" he blurted out before clearing his throat a bit before he pressed on awkwardly, "when we were in Nanda Parbat, or in Starling before we… I mean we didn't… I mean I haven't been… I didn't, haven't been… using… anything..."
Felicity looked at him with a lost and bewildered expression until he sort of embarrassedly waved at the bed and her and him and somehow the pieces of the puzzle fell into place and her mouth dropped open in stunned silence.
He was… he thought they, that she… "Are you talking about contraception?"
Oliver was quiet for a long moment before he scratched the back of his neck briefly before responding, "uh… yeah. I mean… we've had sex more than a few times now and I haven't used anything and…"
"Do you really not know me?" Felicity asked, stunned as she gave Oliver a look of derision. "Besides the fact I didn't say anything about it, you know I'm not stupid or reckless. I did all the calculations and research and everything back when I went to MIT - I got an IUD while I was there; they last for years, and considering I hate needles and patches and pills are prohibitive, especially when you're trying to balance fighting crime and a day job, I kind of needed a more stable solution..."
"Oh."
He just sat there, eyes wide as he stared at her and Felicity realized that he'd thought that because he wasn't being safe and she hadn't said anything that they weren't using anything...
"Oliver, were you worried you'd accidentally knocked me up?" she queried suddenly, her voice rising slightly by the end of her question.
When he didn't say anything her eyes widened, then she swiftly reached out and smacked him hard on the back of the head making him stare at her in shock, his hand reactively coming up to rub at where she'd hit him while she glared at him.
"Are you kidding me? That… no, I wouldn't do that, wouldn't let us do that. I mean, sure, you're hot and I love you and the sex that first time was crazy, and actually the sex has been amazing every time but I wouldn't just sleep with you and keep sleeping with you knowing that we were playing baby Russian roulette…" she babbled and Oliver shook off his surprise at her reaction, a smile gracing his lips for a moment before he swooped down to stop her with a kiss.
After long minutes of kissing her soundly, he broke the kiss and ran a hand along her shoulder and down to her arm. His fingers slipped between hers and he laced them together, holding her hand tightly.
"I'm glad. I… I know I was short sighted in not asking any of the… four times now, but in my defense the first time was unexpected and I was feeling like being with you was the only ray of light in the dark of having to join the League. Then after you agreed to take this journey with me… that second night since we were both too exhausted and weighed down with so much baggage I couldn't think of anything more than reconnecting with you. Then the shower, and then again last night… I should have thought to address it, but you hadn't said anything the other times, so…"
"Did you really think I was irresponsible enough for us to be unsafe?"
"Well, you have said before that you would rather be unsafe with me…" he joked lightly with a grin.
Felicity rolled her eyes and sighed. Still… "Wrong context. And you know what I mean.:
"I do, and I'm sorry. I didn't think it through. I should have known better."
Felicity nodded at him and then stilled. They'd talked a lot about feelings and pasts and needs and wants of the last few days. He'd revealed a lot of things about himself, but she knew there were still things they needed to learn about one another. Things that they had to discover. And now, sitting here with him, staring at his open expression she let her mind contemplate the reality of what he was talking about. Having a baby with him…
Suddenly she found herself seeing that future with him, and her heart sped up in her chest. She hadn't really spent much time thinking that far into the future. Now though, the idea of having that life, having children with him, it washed over her like a tsunami and she felt it settle in her like a promise, "Oliver…"
"What?" he questioned, the tone of her voice putting him instantly on alert, his hand tightening around hers.
She bit her lower lip for a few moments as she gathered up her courage. He'd started this conversation worried that he'd gotten her pregnant, now here she was wanting to tell him that she could see that in their future some day. But she wasn't quite sure how he'd react when she told him that. Still, they needed to be honest with one another, and she didn't just love this man, she trusted him, and she needed to trust him with her truths. "I… I'd like to think about doing… that… one day. I mean…"
"Having a family," Oliver said quietly, eyes wide and stunned and she nodded. He swallowed a sudden lump in his throat while he felt his heart stutter in his chest at the monumental weight of her acknowledgement.
He watched as she bit her bottom lip and looked at him nervously and he could tell she was worried that he didn't want that, that she was alone in seeing that future and he quickly swept a hand up to cup her cheek even as the other still crushed her hand in his. The feel of her face against his palm made him give her a shaky, loving smile.
"The other night when I said I wanted everything with you when we talked about the annulment; how you were the only woman I've ever seen having everything with," he stated, his voice deeper than it had been moments earlier, thick with meaning, "that included children."
"Oh," she exclaimed in a exhale of breath that left her gaping at him.
"Just… I never told you, told anyone outside of my mom really, but before I went on the Gambit, when I was still seeing and cheating on Laurel, I screwed up and got a girl pregnant," Oliver explained lightly, not surprised when he saw the shock on her face, wanting to be able to see her every reaction to what he needed to tell her. "She ended up losing the baby, but… at the time, I wasn't ready and it would have been… complicated to say the least. And to be honest, even now I'm not sure I'm at a place where being a dad would be wise."
"Where are you going with this Oliver?" she asked quietly, her own voice rough with mixed emotions.
"Felicity, just this morning I woke up with a nightmare," he said knowing they'd already addressed that matter earlier and he gave her a half hearted smile before he dragged in a deep breath. "Digg said once that I wasn't a soldier, but I have gone through things, done things that… changed me, and in a lot of ways not for the better. And while I've started working through them, talking to you about them… I haven't truly gotten past them yet, I don't think I'm at a place yet that I'd feel right in asking you to..."
"Asking me what?" Felicity asked, now more than a bit confused at what felt like a non-sequitur. He frowned briefly and then took a deep breath and she watched how his eyes filled with love and a steely resolve that made her silently gape at him.
"This is it for me. You, us. It's why it hurt so damn much to have to let you walk away. To think you weren't safe with me… of course I learned better but still…" he said, pulling his hands from hers before he drug his fingers over his still shorn locks and down to his neck, rubbing it vigorously in his frustration to finally tell her this, "I want half of your closet and a dresser. I want to work with Thea to see if any of the Queen family heirloom jewelry survived the liquidation of the estate and find you an engagement ring. Marry you wherever you want… I'd be willing to elope or do a full out Jewish ceremony if you wanted it. And then decide on when and how many kids you wanted. Because I only want these things with you, if you want them with me."
Felicity swallowed hard several times, her heart in her throat as her eyes blinked rapidly, keeping back the stunned tears that she could feel itching at her lashes.
"I want that too."
"So…" he started, letting his words trail off.
"We don't have to decide today. Or tomorrow. You and I…" she said, her hands holding is tightly in hers as she pushed on, "we left Starling City for a reason. To let you find yourself and for us to find out how we work as a couple when we're not saving the city or capturing bad guys and not having you sacrifice your happiness for everyone else. There's going to be a day when we head back home. When that happens we'll have to decide if we're going to live separately or together. That will be the next step. And then some day in the future after that we can take another step, which will lead us to the next one..."
Before Oliver could reply to her logical approach for them taking their future step by step the sound of Felicity's phone ringing echoed through the suite. She swore, recognizing the personalized ringtone and she scrambled from the bed and rushed down the stairs, body wrapped with the white bed sheet which trailed behind her as she hurried for her phone in her handbag in the huge living area.
"Felicity? What's going on?" Oliver called out as he hurried down the stairs to find her holding the phone in her hand, her lower lip caught in her teeth as she looked nervously from the phone's screen to Oliver and back again.
"It's Digg."
Oliver froze. He knew that things between him and Digg had been left… incomplete. But Digg knew that they'd left Starling City to be alone. For him to be calling meant there was something seriously wrong. Sudden flashes of Thea, Laurel, Lyla or Sara hurt or threatened rushed through his head and he inclined his head to the now quiet phone in Felicity's hand. Abruptly it began to ring again and he looked at her seriously, his hand wrapping around her upper arm and gritting out, "Whatever it is, we'll deal with it. Just answer the phone."
Felicity stared at him, seeing the understanding in his eyes and she swiped her finger over the screen and put the phone to her ear.
"Hey, Digg…"
-end chapter 8-
Well, we all know that Digg calling our heroes is not a good sign… and it also means there's only one chapter left now. Thanks again for joining me on the ride and please stay tuned for the last chapter.
Thanks for reading.
Ms. J.
