Author's Note: Okay, I know you must be getting sick of this, but in addition to "The Siege" and all episodes from that point, we're also going to disregard the events of "Hot Zone." They did not come across the virus and Dumais and the others did not die from it. This has a point in the plot, I swear it :) Also...It's been forever and a day since I last updated this, and I apologize. So, to make up for my guilt, I've made this chapter extra-long. :) Hope you enjoy!
- - -
Kate Heightmeyer gave a small, peaceful smile to the man sitting in the chair opposite her. His hands were clasped tightly in his lap and on the odd occurrence that his flitting eyes fell on hers, they only stayed for a moment. "I know you must be…overwhelmed," she spoke soothingly, leaning forward with her elbows on her thighs. "But in time, I think you'll begin to think of Atlantis as your home."
"You mean I'll eventually remember Atlantis as my home," Rodney murmured softly, his blue eyes finally meeting hers for longer than an instant. "That is what you mean, isn't it?"
Kate paused carefully. "Tell me what you mean when you say that."
He sighed, leaning back in the chair, silent for a long moment. "I've been here for a week. I don't remember anything; don't even get that funny déjà vu feeling. Actually, I can't even remember getting that feeling at any point in my life. But the weird part is I know. I know what déjà vu is, I know my times tables, I know what objects are called, I know how to speak correctly… The thing is that I don't remember anything that means anything. I don't remember anyone's name, anyone's face, anything about my life before that cell…"
"But you remember the little things," Kate stated softly.
"A lot of good they do," Rodney said scornfully. "My friends, the people I apparently referred to as my surrogate family, they had to introduce themselves to me." He looked away, his gaze skittering along the carpet.
"You're scared that you'll never remember, aren't you?" she questioned, tilting her head, waiting for him to continue onward.
"I…" he rubbed his temples with his fingers, his hand covering his face. "God, yes. It seems like…they're all expecting me to remember. Waiting with baited breath. And I don't know if I'm going to. I want to remember and everyone else wants me to remember, but… Nothing has come to me yet. I just…"
"If you don't get your memories back, there's still a future for you here," Kate told him gently. "Regardless of whether or not you remember, you're still family and we all still care about you."
"What would I do?" he looked at her, any shields he had now fallen. He was just a man, a man once broken in the shadows that had seen the ray of hope but now wavered to step into the glowing light.
"You'd make your own memories," she told him, smiling tenderly.
"Right. I should've thought of that," he replied, a small smile on his face, the first true smile Kate had seen since his arrival. After a brief moment, he spoke again, tentatively. "I…"
Kate raised her eyebrows, encouraging him forward. "Whatever it is, you can say it," she informed him.
"I'm just wondering… Doctor Weir, she came and stopped by my room once I was released from the infirmary. Just the once. She… She told me that I, John, Teyla, Aiden and myself were very close."
"You all were very, very close," Kate confirmed, nodding her head.
"I just…" he sighed, shifting in his seat. "John, Aiden, and Teyla have all been keeping their tabs on me. Stopping by for visits, watching me or following me when they think I don't know they're there… So why haven't I seen Doctor Weir? Why has she only stopped by once after the doctor released me?"
Kate frowned. "This is…difficult for me to explain to you. It isn't that Doctor Weir does not care for you. You two were extremely close before you were captured; perhaps the two closest people in Atlantis. She was devastated when you left. But you're back now, back without your memories, and she needs some time to adjust."
Rodney smiled tightly. "She's not the only one."
- - -
"Elizabeth!"
Elizabeth turned at her name to see Peter Grodin running up to her, data pad in hand. "Peter," she greeted with a tight smile. "I hope you're here with good news."
"I'm sorry, but it's just the opposite," he apologized. Elizabeth stopped, turning to face him. "Major Sheppard and his team have returned from one of the potential ZPM addresses Doctor Zelenka gave them – just some cave men, not even a myth about the Ancients. They searched the nearby area but a blizzard was blowing so they couldn't go far. Either the ZPM was somewhere else on that planet or removed a long time ago, or Doctor Zelenka was incorr—"
"Let's just stick with the first option," Elizabeth interrupted.
"Right," he replied. "But that's not the worst of it. As you know, the science team split up to search the city more effectively. Dumais, Wagner, Simpson and Peterson were infected with a virus from what appears to be an Ancient lab. Doctor Beckett got the call and went with a medical team in Hazmat suits."
"How are they?"
Peter looked down, refusing to meet her eyes. Elizabeth felt her heart rate quicken. "Carson and his team are awaiting orders to return to the city."
"I mean Dumais and the others," Elizabeth told him, frowning.
"They…" he looked up, and for the first time since their impromptu meeting, Elizabeth noticed the bags beneath his eyes, the reddish tinge to them… "They all suffered from an acute brain aneurysm," he said softly.
"They're dead," the words fell from her mouth hollowly. "You mean they're dead." Tears stung at her eyes and she shut them tightly. "The Hive Ships aren't even here yet and people are dying by my order," she murmured softly.
"It's the right thing to do," Peter assured her gently. "We need to find some defense against the Wraith or all of us will die."
Elizabeth nodded numbly, but all that kept repeating in her mind was: four down. How many more left to go?
- - -
"John, I can't," Elizabeth replied earnestly. "I…It's just…" she turned her head, her eyes falling on the water just beyond the railing of the balcony they were standing on. "I just can't."
"You can," John told her encouragingly. He sighed softly when she didn't reply. "You know you have to."
"Why?" Elizabeth questioned, her eyes snapping to his. "Why do I have to? You…" she stopped, knowing her frustration was born from other emotions, knowing that she had no right to say the words on the tip of her tongue.
"I what?" John prompted, his intense stare shooting through her.
Elizabeth couldn't meet his eyes. "You don't understand," she completed quietly. "You don't understand what it feels like when I look at him."
"Yes, Elizabeth, I do," John replied, gritting his teeth. "I understand because I feel it too. Rodney was my best friend."
"Aren't you going to say that he is your best friend?" Elizabeth incited hollowly.
"I understand because every time I look at him I see our Rodney McKay," John continued, ignoring her comment. "And it hurts. It hurts like hell seeing him walk around Atlantis knowing that he's not the same man we knew. I hope to God that Rodney's memories are in his head somewhere, because surprisingly enough there's nothing else I'd like to hear more than his smart-ass remarks."
"Everybody keeps saying that," she informed him. "That Rodney is in there somewhere. But what if he isn't?"
John looked at her for a long moment, forming his words carefully. "Rodney told me something once; something you'd said to him. You told him that you wished you could give him a new childhood. To replace all those memories of what his parents said to him with happy ones. Maybe he's finally getting that."
"He's never going to have a happy childhood. All he is now is – "
"A blank slate," John interrupted. "He can't go back in time, but now he's got the chance to start over again. Isn't that what you wanted?"
"He has a new life now," Elizabeth said vacantly. "No memories. A new life…without me."
"If you just stand out here and brood, you're completely right!" John hissed, frustrated. He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Elizabeth… I'm asking you to go talk with him. Help him get his memories back. If he can't…then help him start over. He may not have his memories, but he's still Rodney."
"Memories are what make us," she replied softly, turning toward the railing, sighing. "I'm sorry, John. You're right. I should go talk to him. It just…hurts. All this time I've thought of things to say to him, to show him… But now I don't know what to do."
John moved to stand next to her, placing his hands on the railing. "You were optimistic about this the other day. You said it would be okay no matter what. You had hope," he paused, and they looked to one another. "What happened?" he asked her gently.
"I thought too much," she whispered, gazing up at him. "Rodney being back…it's a second chance. A blessed second chance to all of us."
"You don't think you deserve it," John murmured, suddenly realizing what had brought about this sudden change in her thoughts.
"Do I?" Elizabeth responded, turning back to face the water. "I had a nightmare last night. The same one I always have. Their screams over the radio…the Wraith in the city…" she sighed. "I'm not so sure all of those people would wish me a second chance, would wish that Rodney came back for me."
"It wasn't your fault," John told her firmly. They'd had this conversation many times, and it always ended the same. He strived to have her understand that her actions were justified, but she never let it sink in, never thought for a moment that he might be right. "It was the Prometheus or Atlantis. I'm alive today because of you."
"And they're all dead because of me!" Elizabeth replied, fighting the tears building in her eyes. "I expected tough decisions when I got here, but not that! Not—" she turned away. "I don't deserve a second chance."
"A second chance to have a happy life," John finished. "Look, Elizabeth," he grasped her arms gently, turning her to face him. "Whether you think you deserve that or not…he's back. Rodney is here, alive and well. It's about taking the opportunities you're given, not whether you deserve the opportunities." He let his words sink in. "Just talk to him. For me," he finished, looking her in the eyes.
"I…" her eyelids fell shut for just an instant before she opened them again. "All right," she relented. "I'll go talk to him.
John smiled slightly. "Thank you," he whispered. The brief silence that had settled over them was broken by the sound of an Ancient door being opened. John and Elizabeth both turned to see who had stepped out onto the balcony with them.
"Rodney," Elizabeth breathed softly, her arms tensing. John glanced at her with concern for a brief moment before moving his eyes back to Rodney.
"Hi," he said slowly, pushing his hands into his pockets. "I…I, uh, hope I'm not interrupting anything," he mumbled, his eyes averted.
"No," Elizabeth told him, tilting her head. She took a tentative step in his direction. "You're fine. Was there something you needed?"
"Actually, I…" he looked up. "I was hoping I could talk with you, Doctor Weir."
Elizabeth was silent for a long minute, her mind digesting his words. "Yeah," she replied. "That's…fine. I—" she turned to John.
"I was just on my way to my quarters anyway," John excused, walking toward the door, a small hint of a smile gracing his tired face. "I'll see you two in the morning," he told them, clapping Rodney on the shoulder as he passed.
"So," Elizabeth said as the door closed behind John. "What did you want to talk about?"
"Me, actually," Rodney replied, walking up to the railing, standing next to her. "I want to know what I was like before the Genii…before I forgot. People around here have told me you're probably the best person to ask."
"Oh," she mumbled, turning her head so he could not see her face. Tears had begun to sting at her eyes. This was the one thing she did not wish to speak of.
"Look, Doctor, I know this must be hard for you, but…I need to know," he said softly, frowning.
"Elizabeth," she said, glancing at him. "Call me Elizabeth." Rodney nodded in reply, a faint smile on his face. "Rodney McKay…where do I start?" she laughed softly. It took her a moment to gather her thoughts, and when she began speaking, she did so slowly, pausing between each sentence, weighing it in her mind, drawing an image of Rodney with her words. "He was an astrophysicist; the best. Always managed to pull some ridiculous plan out of the air to save us all. He liked to pretend that he didn't care about people; like they were simply below him and inconvenienced him. But the thing was, he did care," she said wistfully. "He cared more than anyone really realized. Always trying to save everybody, pushing his team to do their best… He was the greatest smart-ass in this city but when you needed him, he was there. He had issues trusting people, but once he trusted you there was hardly anything you could do to break that trust, that friendship," she faltered, her vision blurred by the rising tears. The words burned her throat as they traveled to her mouth, stung her tongue as she spoke them. "He was my best friend, and I…I loved him," she blinked and felt a tear roll down her cheek. "And now he's gone…" She bowed her head and closed her eyes.
Rodney watched her grief silently, at a loss as to what he should do. Carefully, he placed his hand on her shoulder, waiting for her reaction. Elizabeth opened her eyes and glanced to him. Her lips upturned slightly in thanks, and the partial grin was infectious. She wiped the tears from her face, trying to push away the anguish their conversation had intensified.
"There's another reason I came out here," Rodney said slowly, unsure of whether he should tell her. "Maybe your friend isn't as lost as you thought he was," he told her.
Elizabeth gazed at him warily, her mind beating away the hope that pressed itself upon her. "What do you mean?" she questioned.
"I keep remembering something, an object. A necklace, to be more precise. It…meant a lot to me," he told her, his brow furrowing. "I wore it in the cell. It kept me…sane. There was safety in it. Maybe I'm going crazy, but…" he sighed, "The rest of it, it tickles the back of my mind. I feel like I should know more about it, but all I can see is that image and it brings this feeling of…of…" he hesitated before finishing, "…hope. And, weirdly enough… When I think of it, it reminds me of you."
"Oh my God," Elizabeth whispered, staring at him.
Rodney's eyes flashed quickly to hers. "What is it?" he questioned.
Tears were again filling her eyes, but for a different reason than grief this time. He remembered. Not everything, not close, but it was something. And it was amazing what that little detail brought her. Something had been returned to her, something lost: hope. Not just a flickering, dim light, but a solid blaze, something that would not extinguish in time.
"The necklace," Elizabeth responded. "I gave it to you after the Genii invaded Atlantis. We managed to retake the city, but…you almost died. We almost died. I gave it to you because I wanted you to know how important you were to us…to me."
"And I remembered it," Rodney replied in an awe-filled whisper, happiness sparkling in his eyes. "You know what this means?" he questioned, grinning. "It could all be there. All those memories…there could actually be a chance that I might remember them!"
"That's so great!" Elizabeth exclaimed happily, a smile claiming her face. Their celebration was, however, cut short by a flash of purple lightning, followed by a deafening clap of thunder.
Rodney glanced at the black clouds rolling steadily towards them and the pouring rain in the distance. "Maybe we should go inside," he suggested. "I may not remember much, but I do know that pneumonia isn't that fun."
"You're right," she said, nodding, but couldn't hide the small disappointment growing in her stomach as he walked toward the door leading back into Atlantis.
"Hey," he said suddenly, turning. "I know it's late and all, but… Do you want to grab a bite to eat? I understand if you – "
Elizabeth smiled as she replied, "I'd love to."
