Author's Note: I was on an almost two week hiatus from writing. Much needed. Still under the weather but better than I was last week. Thanks for the patience and reading and comments and support. I wasn't sure this would be a story people who enjoy.
Alexis - Adoro a sua análise. Continue lendo. Eu não acho que você vai ficar desapontado.
La Phoenix - reading your last comment was freaky!
kenyangeminibunnie - don't catch a charge, lol.
atm0000 - thank you for the kind words.


Chapter 7: Illusions
Rick
Wednesday

Rick was in bed lying on his back and staring up at the ceiling. It took a while to fall asleep the night before. He heard Lori go back downstairs, presumably to wait for Carl, just as he did in Judith's room. It wasn't possible for a parent to fall asleep until their teenager was safely home. Being awake allowed his mind to race. He replayed last night's moments with Lori and he felt bad he couldn't give her what she wanted; not yet anyway. It simply didn't feel right. If he slept with her solely to prevent her from feeling bad it wouldn't be real and it wouldn't be fair to either one of them. They couldn't start this new chance with a lie. Some things he couldn't do just to make her happy, to put her at ease about their mess of a relationship. That was a path that didn't work; he tried it before. It was like putting a fresh coat of paint over mold. She was trying and so was he but it was awkward. It didn't feel natural.

It was dark out but he could tell the light was due to soon pierce the sky. Back in the day there would be thousands of cars on the road, people heading to their jobs, school buses full of children, now the only people outside the houses in the neighborhood were the guards on duty. The nightlight was still on. He looked to his left and saw Judith sitting up in the crib. He sat up and swung his feet onto the floor, feeling all the bumps and pains of a short but hard new world life. He stretched his arms over his head and listened to the familiar sounds of his body make noises signaling his age and wear and tear. Then he walked over to her crib.

"Looks like it's you, me, and the crickets." He picked her up and headed over to the changing table and grabbed a pull-up before lying her down. "This place has everything."

He wished he could remember it all. What happened after the prison fell? Where did they go? What was everyone's reaction when they arrived in Alexandia? He knew he didn't trust this place, no one needed to tell him that. That was the way he managed this new world, with distrust for the unknown. He imagined he wasn't the only one; Michonne probably hated the idea of this place as much as he did. They were usually on the same side, thinking the same things. He would go talk to her today. It felt like a lifetime since one of their chats. Even though she pushed him and made him say things he didn't want to admit to himself but he still enjoyed talking to her. There was a depth there he never experienced with anyone other than Hershel.

"Da da, da da, da da," Judith said, getting more hyper and louder each time she said it.

"I'm here. I'll always be here." He kissed her cheek. "Let's head downstairs and talk so you don't wake everyone up."

Carl's bedroom door was ajar and Rick nudged it open just a bit more so he could look inside. He could see a figure lying in the bed. He was still asleep, curled on his side and clutching one of his pillows. He never recalled him sleeping that way. He never even slept with a stuffed animal as a baby.

Once he and Judith were downstairs he fumbled around until he found a small lamp in the corner. He held her and stood before the window, looking out at the empty street and the sleeping community. After a year, he imagined they were safe but his mind, void of knowing that for certain for himself, wondered who his family was living with behind these walls. What did these people do before and how did they get here? The only new person he met was the guy that made the walker cologne; he couldn't remember his name.

He read Lori while they talked to him and for the most part she appeared as if he posed no danger but she wasn't completely relaxed. Years of seeing frightened women and children in domestic violence situations gave him an idea of the people around them. But she said he was a nice guy and she smiled when she said it so that seemed to conflict with his uneasy feeling.

He wanted to get out and see his people, see that they were okay for himself. He saw Hershel, Maggie, and Michonne. Glenn, Daryl, and Sasha had come to visit him the day he woke up from his coma but he still hadn't seen Andrea and Carol.

"Hey."

He turned to see Carol with a smile on her face. "Speak of the devil." Unlike he and Judith, who were still in pajamas, she was fully dressed down to her boots. She was always ready. Always looking out and over her shoulder. Sadly, that had as much to do with the old life as the new one.

She raised an eyebrow as she stood next to him. She ran her hand over the back of Judith's hair, paying extra attention to the curls at the nape of her neck.

He smiled. "I was just thinking of how I hadn't seen you since I left the infirmary yesterday."

"I was with a few of the other ladies. We cook meals for the elderly residents and for those who work long hours outside the walls and on projects that keep them busy."

"Projects?"

"Like the expansion they're working on. We provide them meals during the day and make sure those that need it have something to eat after."

That was nice but that wasn't all. He gave her his own look.

"And I wanted to give you, Lori, and the kids a little privacy yesterday. It worked out for both sides."

"Thank you, Carol. I appreciate that." He stared at her a moment longer than comfortable then turned his attention back to looking out the window at nothing.

She was different than the woman he first met. There was always something captivating about her even in silence. When Shane gave him the run down on everyone in the camp he told him how her husband abused her. He didn't even try to hide it. She changed from that meek person afraid of her own shadow. He watched her while they were on the road after the farm. She knew how to handle a weapon. She was stronger in those months after her husband was no longer around and after suffering the loss of her child. He held Judith tighter, not wanting to ever be able to relate to that pain. He imagined how much she changed in a year.

"So, how are you doing?" She asked.

"I'm fine. No headaches, no pain, no lingering issues."

"Other than amnesia," she said.

He nodded his head with a small smile. "Yeah other than that." And he wondered if he would ever get that year back. Did anything important happen? Having that year with Judith but not being able to recall those memories was frustrating. Was he there for her first steps? When she learned to crawl?

"You still don't remember anything about the last year?"

"No. I wish I did."

"Did Denise say it's permanent?"

"It could be or I could get my memory back."

"Did she give you a timetable?"

"No." Was this new for her? Interrogation? He didn't remember the quick and endless questions. "What are you doing up so early?"

"I've always been an early riser. My body was used to it. Never changed. Not even after there was no reason to."

Did she mean because she no longer had a husband and child to care for? He didn't have the nerve to ask. Maybe it was because he had manners enough not to.

"Do you need me to take Judith? Change her pull-up? I try to help with Judith when I can. She's my favorite person here."

"No, already covered. Thanks, Carol. And thanks for helping with her."

"Okay, I'm going for a walk." She smiled but it was uneasy. "See you later."

He figured she was trying to gauge where his head was for Lori. They were the closest of friends back at the prison and it didn't appear any of that had changed. He was sure everything he said to Carol would be relayed back to his wife.

"Hey Carol," he said and waited for her to look at him. "I may not remember, but I can tell from looking at her that Lori did a great job with Judith since the prison. She's a good mom."

She smiled. "Yes, she is."

She should know that. He never told her that enough.

xxx

The first sign of light was breaking the sky and after playing with Judith and watching her as she nodded off for twenty minutes he sat at the table and fed her oatmeal. Just as he put another spoonful in her mouth he heard footsteps on the stairs. Carl ambled over to them and sat on the other side of Judith.

"Did you even look at yourself before you came downstairs?" He laughed. Carl's hair was all over the place. He wasn't sure if he got dressed that morning or if he slept in his clothes.

"I didn't see Judith in her crib and then I saw the light on down here."

"We woke up early. Even went for a little walk." Not far, just three house down and back. He didn't feel comfortable walking an area he wasn't familiar with while he had Judith. Despite the year they had been here, he had been here, he didn't know it for himself. He didn't trust enough to be comfortable.

Carl frowned at Judith.

"What's wrong?" Rick asked.

"How did you get her to eat oatmeal? She hasn't been eating it lately. All she does is spit it out when we try to feed it to her so mom just stopped trying."

"Added something a little sweet. Strawberry jam. Not sure why your mom didn't try it. We did it with you all the time."

"What?" Carl frowned.

Actually it was that classic Carl look, something between a frown and a smile. He loved that expression on his son's face. Usually, good things were happening.

"Except for you it was cheese. Your mom put it on all your vegetables. Broccoli, creamed spinach, even your green beans."

"Gross."

"And then you were constipated all the time so she had to try something different." Rick laughed.

"Even more gross."

"Tell me about it. How was your night with your friends?"

He sighed, it was a heavy one and his laughter dissipated. "It was fine." He placed his hands on the table and picked at his fingernails. Back when things were normal his mother would have told him to clean them, now they were practically ready for surgery.

The mood in the room changed.

"Until?"

"Dakota came over." He slid down in his chair.

"Dakota?"

"She's a girl. She's been here about a month. Her dad doesn't usually let her out much because he's still nervous about her being around new people."

"Makes sense. So she's the new girl in town, huh?"

"Yep."

"Is she pretty?"

"Yep."

"I'm guessing Enid doesn't like that."

He looked up at Rick. "How do you know?"

"Same story, different cast." His boy went from Little League baseball to walkers and now he was dealing with girls. Life could be a bitch in so many ways. "So, do you like Dakota?"

A crimson flush crept across Carl's cheeks and he began to squirm in his chair. "She's nice."

"And how does she feel about you?"

"I don't know," he said with a shrug. "We get along. We have some things in common. But anytime I even talk to her Enid gets mad."

"Maybe Enid doesn't want you talking to Dakota because she sees something you don't see yet."

"What does that mean?"

"Carl, not every time a girl is jealous is because it's her imagination. Maybe something is there and Enid can tell. Maybe if you keep talking to this other girl-"

"Dakota."

Rick nodded. "Dakota. Maybe if you keep talking to Dakota, keep finding things in common, she keeps laughing at your jokes, you'll realize you like her as more than just a friend. It happens a lot. Things just seem to come out of nowhere until you realize they were there all along." He stood up and walked to the kitchen and poured a cup of coffee. "Want some?"

Carl shook his head. "I like Enid but I don't want to stop being friends with Dakota. And then there are times when Enid acts like she doesn't want anything to do with me. It's confusing. What should I do?"

"You should follow your heart." He sat back down and placed a sippy cup of juice in front of Judith.

He watched as she grabbed her cup. In that moment she reminded him so much of Carl. He would drink so much they would have to pull his bottle or cup from him or he'd forget to take a breath.

"So should you dad."

He looked over at Carl. "What?"

Carl sat up in his chair and leaned forward. His voice was a tad lower. "I know your head is messed up but your heart isn't telling you something? Anything?" He appeared desperate, maybe even a little annoyed. It reminded him of the times he wouldn't let Carl go out on runs or clear the prison. He was so determined.

"What do you mean?"

"I just mean...this...this wasn't the way life was before you got hurt and-"

"Hey, how come no one woke me up?" Lori appeared. "Ooh, coffee." She went into the kitchen and poured herself a cup. "Rick, want some?"

He held up his cup and shook his head. "I'm good."

"Why are these three eggs out?"

"I thought I'd make toad in the hole."

"Oh wow, I can't remember the last time we had those." Lori smiled.

Rick joined her in the kitchen pulling out a bowl, a pan, and utensils.

She poured herself a cup of coffee. "How did you sleep?"

"Okay. How about yourself?"

"I'm going to get Judith dressed so I can take her to daycare," Carl said as grabbed Judith.

"Thanks baby." Lori smiled. "Oh, that doesn't get you out of our talk. You were supposed to be back at ten and you didn't come home until eleven." She pulled away from Rick and leaned on the counter, focused on Carl.

"I was two doors down." He rolled his eyes. "You knew where I was."

"I know," Lori said. "so you're lucky I didn't come over and get you. I'm sure you wouldn't have liked that."

"Mom, I'm not a kid anymore. Besides," started walking away, "I don't think you're into anyone making a scene. Come on Judy."

"I'll have your breakfast ready when you come back down," Rick called after him.

Without another word he was gone. His conversation with his son wasn't over, in fact, Rick had the feeling they were just getting started when Lori joined them. To his knowledge, he and Carl hadn't had a serious talk about the fairer sex. There was so much he needed to know. It wasn't all about sex, though he knew that was coming sooner or later and there would be no way to stop it. Or had it already happened? He would go with it even though he'd never allow Judith to date before thirty if he was still walking this Earth. What Carl was going through now was harder to navigate and that was the heart. It was vulnerable and sensitive, easy to break and difficult to mend. When you give it freely, you realize it'll be hurt at some point and the first time wouldn't be the last.

"Why does she need to go to daycare?"

"I think it's good for her to socialize with other little kids. There are three other kids in her age range."

He was happy Carl had friends his age. The idea Judith having playmates her age, that other people were making the decision to have kids right now wasn't something he thought would be possible. Then again, he and Lori didn't choose either. Planned or not, babies never stopped being born.

"You're not going to worry about taking care of me are you?"

"I thought about it."

"I think I'm going to walk around the community." He cut the holes in the bread.

She frowned. "You think that's a good idea?"

"If you think I'm going to stay in bed half the day and the couch the other then you better think again." He shook his head. "I'm done lying around. Hell, I don't even know what I do around here."

"I just think you have time to take it slow. It's not like when we were out there. You can take your time. There's no rush."

"But I feel fine. It seems like it doesn't get slower than this. I won't be climbing any mountains. And don't let me keep you from whatever you do." He smiled. "In fact, what do you do?" He grabbed the butter out of the refrigerator.

"I help out in the pantry a couple of times a week and I pull some shifts at the daycare. Really, whatever needs to be done."

"What did I do?"

"You're the leader."

"Yeah, but what does that mean around here?"

"It means you're always busy. You're restless, that's just the type of person you are but managing everyone and everything, covering the bases, keeping us safe, that's what you do. And no one takes that lightly, not anymore."

"Not anymore?"

"Remember how I told you these people didn't get it?"

He nodded.

"But when those people attacked and when those walkers attacked they realized what's out there real quick and they've never doubted you since. And between Ross making antibiotics and growing the crops with Hershel, Eugene making bullets, Aaron and Deanna making trade deals with those other communities, we're not struggling. We don't want or need for anything."

"Making bullets?"

"Yeah, I can't tell you how. I heard Eugene explain it once and he might as well have been speaking Chinese. He'll be more than happy to enlighten you on his intelligence."

"I'd definitely like to see that. Seems like a game changer."

"Made all you gun nuts happy and that sadly includes my son." She took one of the small circles of bread and spread a little butter on it before popping it in her mouth. "Remember the first time you made these for Carl? When we went to the county fair?"

He laughed. "That was a fun day."

"You won me that huge stuffed zebra."

"That you wanted so bad. It cost me five times what it would have cost me to buy in the store and then I had to lug it around all day."

"Hey," she said with a laugh. "I made it up to you all night if I remember."

He did remember. That was kind of an unforgettable night in their young marriage. It was a good thing he had the next day off because he have the energy to do much of anything that next day. Her looked over to see her smiling at him and he couldn't help but smile as well. Why couldn't this work back at the prison? Suddenly, he couldn't understand why they couldn't overcome their problems. She broke eye contact and looked down tucking a lock of her hair behind her ear.

"That was a good night," she said softly.

He cleared his throat. "Yeah."

He didn't want to go there with her. Bring up those memories because he was sure he could do nothing about them. Instead, he focused on breakfast with a devotion that eggs and bread didn't require. Carl inhaled his breakfast in three bites and his attitude toward Lori continued. It felt like more than teenage moodiness. After breakfast he had to practically sneak out of the house when Lori went upstairs.

It felt good to walk around this place in the light of day without a guide. It was time for things to get back to normal.

"Hey Rick."

He stared at the woman who walked up to him. Her smile was a bit creepy along with the way she stared at him.

"Tara. I'm Tara."

"Hi. I'm sorry. You have me at a bit of a disadvantage." He could learn names but he didn't remember their history. Did she like him? Did he like her? Was she on his side? He would never feel comfortable until he knew these things for himself.

"It's cool. I understand. It must be awkward not remembering. Gotta be hard on a relationship."

"Yeah, a bit."

"Just saw Michonne. She's happy you're awake. As much as I can tell. You know she's never very open. Not like she is with you."

It was obvious to everyone Michonne and Rick were close. That they could almost carry on an entire conversation with looks and facial expressions was a running joke. Must have been obvious to those they met after the prison. It all came down to knowing someone. Understanding where they were coming from and what they wanted. What motivated them. What meant the most to them. It wasn't all that special. It was natural when you didn't just talk to someone but you listened to them.

"Good thing she wasn't here when you were in the coma. She would have been worried sick. Sitting at your bedside the same way you did when Carl was shot."

"Uh yeah. I need to go. Nice meeting you, uh seeing you, Tara."

He walked away quickly to nowhere in particular. He just needed to get away. It made him uneasy to hear her mention Carl and talk about Michonne when really this woman was nothing more than a stranger to him.


Back at the prison

He sat on the warden's desk with his head in his hands. Tears ran down his face.

"My son. I've lost him and I don't know if I can get him back."

He could feel Michonne sit next to him.

"He did what he thought he had to do."

Carl killed a teenager from Woodbury who helped in the attack on the prison. Had it been anyone but Hershel who told him the kill wasn't necessary he wouldn't believe it. He didn't want to believe it from Hershel. Even as his son became proficient with a gun he never thought about how that would change Carl as a person.

"No, I...I used to say the same thing but I'm not so sure anymore."

"What do you mean?"

"Did he do what he had to do or what he wanted to do?" He looked over at her. "When I asked him about it it was like he didn't care. He didn't care that he killed a kid. As if the fact that he had to do it means it's no big deal."

"He's a kid, Rick."

"He's cold and it's my fault." He should have been more concerned about his son's humanity than leading people. He should have been there guiding his son through the hard choices. Now it may be too late. It seemed to be easy for Carl to make choices that should have crippled him.

"He feels bad. He hurts and all those other feelings but his dad is Rick Grimes. You're practically a superhero. He's just trying to be strong because his father is strong and he wants to make you proud. He thinks that's the way."

"My boy..." he shook his head.

"He'll never be that little boy you're remembering. Times have changed. He's changed and that's not your fault. That's the world we're in. But you can still have influence over who he is becoming."

"I'm not sure I'm okay with who he's becoming." That scared him. He could be honest with himself and admit a small part of him didn't like his son for becoming that person but he could never admit that to anyone, not even Michonne.

"He can come back. For so long, I felt like a monster but look at me now. I have Andrea, Carl..."she looked over at him. "You. You all influenced me. Made me want to change and feel things."

He stood up and looked over at her. "I don't know why I tell you all these things."

She stood up. "Everyone needs someone to talk to. Neither of us talks to anyone else so we're all we've got. It's necessary or we'd be even more screwed up." She chuckled. "Can you imagine?"

He pulled her into a hug. "You're my best friend."

"Really?" She laughed. "Are we going to pinky swear and take blood oaths?"

She gave him a hard time but that was part of their thing. He actually liked it because her jabs and jokes made him feel normal. Around her he didn't have to have all the right answers. He didn't have to be perfect. Heavy is the head they say and she had become the antidote to his loneliness. He held her tight and it made him happy she let him even if she was probably rolling her eyes and counting the seconds until his emotional display was over.