Sorry for the late update… I'm in university now Dx But so far I liked university life, I think it's better than school life :3
Chapter 8
Today I received a fair share of scolding from Aikawa as well as some flicks at the forehead. I felt like a young boy nagged by his mother for not doing homework or some sort of that. It wasn't the first time, it's always been like this since three years ago. She had been tamer than before though. She even had slapped me in the past several times, but I didn't stop her to do so – I knew that it wasn't enough to punish me for what I had done to Misaki. It was obvious that her anger was suppressed by her joy of seeing Misaki in the pink of his condition once again. Every words came out as she nagged, I faithfully listened.
"I won't forgive you for this, you idiot Usami-sensei! Thanks to you that now Misaki-kun is insane!"
She yelled so in my face after lovingly showering Misaki with hugs and kisses, then stormed out from my house in fury. How funny, her moods changed that fast when talking to me and pampering Misaki. I could tell that she was sad, Misaki whom she loved dearly doesn't recognize her anymore. I expected Misaki to cry and become scared of her with her thunder-like voice – he's not. I guess he's not a baby in some parts. Speaking of Misaki, he cluelessly stared at me as if he demanded an explanation for the brief soap opera shooting in front of his eyes. He had the "what the hell is going on here?" face shoved to me. I leaned closer and pecked his lips.
"No need to worry, I deserved all of that. It's all my fault that you ended up like this."
I suddenly smelled something unpleasant. I knew where it came. I could even see that Misaki was uncomfortable with it. Now it's time for me to clean Misaki up. I took his hand in mine and led him to the toilet to clean his wastes, then went to the bathroom alogether. Last time we had a bath altogether, so this time I decided to take a shower with him. I stripped him and myself, threw our clothes to the basket beside the bathroom door, turned the shower on and adjusted its temperature and strength until I found the shower satisfiable.
I let the shower to soak both of me and Misaki as we stepped in while being naked. I washed his hair with shampoo and scrubbed his body. Thankfully the shower was enough for wetting two people since normally it would only fit one person. I've read somewhere that taking a shower could relieve stress. So that was probably why unlike the previous bath, I merely did nothing but stand under the shower in static while holding Misaki in my arms, putting him in a constant embrace throughout the shower after done cleaning him. What I failed to notice that along with the shower – my tears were also flowing down. It was hard to tell them apart. I felt sad for a reason.
Has Misaki always been this small?
I was shocked, I was utterly scared. What a small body – as if it would break at the slightest touch. Yet it was the same small body where I had thrashed a lot in the past. Misaki was too weak, puny, powerless – that I could abuse him all might without him fighting back. He was thrown around like a piece of meat. This small body had been the subject of torture several times – I can't believe that I had turned into a cold-blooded monster. I clearly recalled everything – his cries of pain, his countless apologies, his beggings for me to stop hurting him – yet I pretended not to hear anything during that time.
Another horrifying thing I had noticed – Misaki had became slightly shorter than he was three years ago. That I earlier had to bend myself even lower so that I can hug him. I was well aware of the fact of how fragile he was to me in comparison, but nevertheless I tightened the hug. I felt guilty for everything, yet I still want to stay by his side and I don't want to hand Misaki away from my life. Burying my fingers in his soaked hair, I kissed his cheek. No changes happened as time passed until I saw Misaki was flinching in my embrace. Feeling worried, I loosened the hug.
"What's the matter, Misaki?"
As soon I released him, he moved himself away from the shower. Out of nowhere I understood why he acted so. He really didn't have a good experience with the shower, the water was too hot for him that steams were formed in the air and the nearby mirror turned foggy. I readjusted the water so it will be colder. When Misaki found the water was at a tolerable level for him, he returned to his former spot. Of course, I pulled him back into my arms and hugged him. I planted a kiss on his forehead. With my neck in contact of his, I stroked his soaked hair up and down his head.
"I'm sorry for everything, Misaki. I wouldn't hurt you even if my life depended on it. If I do hurt you again even a single scratch, then I swear that I would chop off these hands of mine."
I lifted his chin up and kissed him. I kissed him as tender as I could while keeping him in place, trying my best not to hurt him even whilst kissing. I gently touched him at several places – sliding my hand down from his back to his bottom, he moaned in response. I had my tongue entering into his mouth, licking the hot cavern and tugging his tongue. Misaki let out a gasp as my tongue massaged the roof of his mouth – one of human's most sensitive spot. He became limp in my arms from the kiss so he wrapped his arms around me to keep himself upright. I pulled away from the kiss, licked his lips and continued on hugging him – this time with my face being buried in his shoulder.
I felt sadder for no reason. As if even air could've taken Misaki away from me. I held him tighter, so that in this way he could be always by my side forever. Though being a loner for several years, yet the hour of separation between me and him will greatly terrify me. I don't think I would love somebody as much as I love Misaki – I even loved him more than how much I had loved Takahiro before meeting Misaki. The sound of the shower hitting the bathroom floor and flowed into the drain became the background music as I still stubbornly holding Misaki in my arms. I don't know how much time had passed.
"I love you, Misaki. So very much. Only you and no one else."
I had been feeling nothing but angst and emptiness deep in my heart, but not for Misaki who actually felt bored for staying under the shower so long while barely doing anything. Unlike taking bath, there were no toys that he could play with. He eventually did something that totally killed the mood – he opened his mouth, stuck his tongue out so that he could drink the shower. He did that spontaneously out of boredom. I stared at him flabbergasted, rendered speechless by his childlike behavior. So this was what happened if our feelings didn't clash. So I was the only one who was being dramatic.
"Oi Misaki, cut it out! The water is not that safe to drink, you're going to get a stomachache!"
I turned the shower off so that I could prevent the living microorganisms in the water from entering into his stomach. Misaki was shocked when the shower was turned off, as if he was going to tell me "Where did that gone?". By this time the guilt in my heart was lifted a little bit. It's all thanks to Misaki – first he drank the body soap, now this? Unexpectedly, I laughed. I smiled, brushed his wet bangs and kissed him at the forehead.
"You're so cute."
One of Misaki's skills that anyone else out there lacked – the ability to turn my tears into laughter.
I made some warm milk with honey added in. Then, I handed it to Misaki who was sitting on the couch after I've done dressing him. He was lured by the sweet smell of milk, he hastily accepted the milk and drank it. I was glad to see that now he learned how to drink from a cup properly by himself. He looked so innocent – being in his pyjamas while happily drinking milk like a child. It touched my heart that I felt like hugging him. I opened some packets of cookies with variety types and flavours, gathered them on a plate and placed it on the table for him to eat with milk.
I sat on the couch, dialled my phone. I put the phone at my ear, waited for the receiver to answer my call. "Hello? Dr Murakami?"
"Hello, Murakami's here. Is this Aki-kun? So good to hear your voice!" she said cheerily. "How are things going now?"
"Everything's fine. Misaki is doing well here, thankfully."
"Misaki-chan is? Thank goodness… So, why are you calling me?"
"I've got some questions to ask you."
"Hmm? Sure."
"About Misaki…" I had been more overprotective over Misaki. I paused, looked to see him still at the very same place. I don't think I could get my eyes off from him even for a second. I afraid he would gone all sudden.
"Misaki-chan? What's the matter with him?"
"Will it be necessary to keep him in a mental ward?" This was what I feared the most.
"Hmm… Regarding his current situation, no, I would say. When he became capable of hurting either himself or others, then yes."
I let out a sigh of relief. I could keep him by my side. "So you're saying that he can also be treated outside the hospital? It's not impossible?"
"Yes, it is. It's true that there's no 'cure' for mental illnesses, but that doesn't mean that they are not treatable. Besides, the prescribed medicines for the patients wouldn't do anything but make them worse."
I was overjoyed. There was a way for Misaki to become sane once again. "Then, how to treat him?"
"Let him live in a normal life and constantly socialize with him. Actually that is the best way to treat people with mental illnesses, we should never leave them alone in the first place. Do you know that psychiatrists nowadays are encouraged to also carry out talk therapies towards their patients intead of only prescribing medicines for them? Though, electrocution is still effective."
"I see…" I was glad. So Misaki doesn't need to face all the painful treatments, and the method was easier than I thought.
"What's going on, Aki-kun? You were silent just now. You don't believe me?"
"Err, nothing. I was just thinking if there's a proper punishment for me to take for hurting Misaki."
"Isn't taking care of Misaki-chan until he was sane once again already a suitable punishment for you, Hon? I mean, is there anyone more suitable for that other than you?"
"But…" I was lost for words.
"Do you understand how punishments work in the first place, Aki-kun?"
"Eh…?" I became confused, Dr Murakami explained it to me without being asked to.
"Punishments are actually existed to educate humans. Not to torture them. It make others to not repeat the same mistake, and it make you to regret for the sin you had done thus changing you into a better person and others as well. Believe me, if someone had taken their punishments for ten times but they still didn't regret for their wrongdoings – it would be very pointless."
"Really?"
"I think that it's good enough that you had sworn not to repeat the same mistake again over Misaki-chan, and now you're going to atone your sins by taking care of him. Cheer up, Aki-kun. Punishment is actually just an option for somebody to atone their sins. And there's a lot of other ways too. Well, if you still wanted a punishment then you should wait until Misaki-chan regained his sanity and let him decide it for you."
"So it's fine the way it is now?"
"What's the most important that you're a changed person, Aki-kun. Now don't fret too much over the past. What's important, now. Don't be too sad. Remember, I deserved the blame too! I shouldn't give you something too risky in the first place."
"Not really. You were still a child during that time, of course you wouldn't know what you're doing. Plus I took that thing when I was an adult, three years ago."
True, Ijuuin-sensei and Dr Murakami were also the roots of the problem. But their faults weren't as much as mine. Everything was happened according to my wishes. I was always been too foolish and selfish to begin with – I had been forcing on Misaki since the first day I've met him. I only cared about my own feelings. I had been treating him like a toy for so many times – putting him in BL novels out of his will, sexually harrassing him everyday and being irrationally possessive and controlling towards him. I tried pampering him with gifts and love but of course it wouldn't solve anything as long I still didn't change my bad attitude. If he hadn't be so kind-hearted and forgiving, then he wouldn't be my lover till now.
The phone conversation came to an end. I felt much better. It was now 11:00 PM and I was getting drowsy. Probably it was another tiring day for me. I scanned around for my beloved Misaki and found that he was lying on the couch in a fetal position, sleeping. On the table were empty cup and a plate with nothing but crumbs remained, he was hungry indeed. The warm milk must had made him sleepy. My sympathy for him quickly rose. I lifted his head and rested it on top of my lap. I stroked his hair gently. What an angelic sleeping face – looking very innocent, very peaceful and it soothed my heart. A trail of milk remained near his mouth down his chin, I dabbed it clean with my thumb.
"Poor Misaki. Just when you will stop being the victim of the circumstances, I wonder?"
Yes, he always had been the victim of everything unrelated to him. Yet he always tried his best to fix them – all by himself. And definitely he tought that he was the one to blame for the problem. First, he only wanted to defend his brother then thanks to my ego I raped him. But he kept it quiet from his brother. Then out of nowhere, he fell in love with me and cried for my sake when I was heartbroken. Next came my family and career issues where he got involved and getting blamed for just being a normal person living with me. And now? Three. Years. Ago. Too horrible for words. How could I even thought of tainting such a heavenly being?
"Now let's go to bed, shall we?"
I don't want to leave him sleeping on the couch, so I decided to carry him to my room. It always had been like this – whenever Misaki felt asleep on somewhere but the bed, I will definitely carry him. So that he could have a more comfortable sleep. Misaki absolutely detested being carried like a baby, he will pound my chest, demanding me to put him down if he was awake. But during three years ago, it was different. Misaki was quick on losing consciousness and fainted quite often– since I raped and abused him. And most of the times instead of carrying him to bed, I picked the cruel option – I just left him sprawled on the floor being naked after being abused.
I carefully lifted him up into my arms, slowly raising his head by his shoulders followed by his legs – I afraid I could hurt him again. Upon realizing himself being picked up, Misaki semi-consciously wrapped his arms around my neck and buried his face into it – much to my surprise. I could feel his soft and warm breath against my neck. It was actually a sign that Misaki was now comfortable around me, he had accepted me. I felt bad for him, he didn't know what I had done to him in the past. I feared that now he viewed me as a kind-hearted stranger who voluntarily take care of him for nothing in return.
I carried him upstairs towards my bedroom. I pushed the door open with my body since my hands were full from carrying Misaki and entered inside. I had to be careful so I wouldn't accidently stepped on one of the toys laying around and tripped, hurting both myself and Misaki in process. I slowly laid him on the bed and tucked him in the blanket. Later I joined him in bed, pulling him closer and held him in my arms. It can't be helped. I just loved him so much that I would die if he was gone from my life. I will forever hold him like this and I will never, ever let him go.
"Even if it costs my life I will definitely protect you, Misaki."
Well since I want to focus on my studies in university I am limiting myself to the laptop for only in the weekends. Yes no need to worry, I will try to properly arrange my time. I believe that I can't use university as a reason for me to not update! Yosh! xD
Though, I had been downloading many BL and Otome games that I want to play later… Oh, and I had been learning some japanese kanji too by doing flashcards (-_-) I can't wait to be fluent in japanese. One kanji flashcard a day, I can do it! OAO Ganbareeee!
P.S. I'm planning to play eroge too. I love Fate/Stay Night :D
