Imperial City of Archades.

Basch: This is not right! (Tied to a wheelchair.)

Jigsaw: Judge Gabranth, I want to play a game.

Noah: Oh, I love games!

Jigsaw: ...

Jigsaw: Captain fon Ronsenburg, I want to play a game.

Basch: Never will I surrender!

Vossler: I don't see why we should stay.

Larsa: No point in that. Thanks for watching him, Dr. Jigsaw.

Jigsaw: (Holding an assortment of torture devices.) No problem.

Basch: Injustice! (Muffles underneath the bear trap.)

Hospital room.

Vaan: I'm going to faint!

Penelo: The baby hasn't arrived yet, Vaan.

Vaan: Oh.

Five minutes later...

Vaan: I'm going to faint! (Slaps Fran's belly.)

Fran: ARRRGGGHHHUUUAAAGGGHHH! (Executes the Tombstone Piledriver on Vaan.)

Ashe and Penelo: (Holds Fran down.) Breathe, nigga', breathe.

Balthier: Can this get any more worse?

Larsa and Vossler: (Enters the room abruptly, holding their backs against the door.)

Larsa: I think we're safe.

Penelo: What's going on?

Vossler: You don't want to know.

Balthier: Okay. (Opens up a newspaper, reading the Daily Archadian.)

Ashe: No, really. What's that noise? And where's Noah?

Noah from the Genesis chapter in the bible: You rang?

Fran: AYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYI! (Decapitates Noah, forcing the Ark to be unmanned and head straight for Dalmasca.)

Darth Vader: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Noah: What's her problem? (Enters through the window with a bruised face.)

Vaan: You got messed up big time.

Fran: SHUT. UP. (Bitch slaps Vaan.)

Balthier: Fran, darling. Get ahold of yourself. (Bitch slaps Fran.)

Fran's lips begin quivering afterwards. Balthier almost feels sorry for what he did, but he was too late to make any apologies. You see, when a Viera is pregnant, their tempermental psyche goes out of control and they sometimes eat the father of the child. Sometimes.

Balthier: Listen, I only did that for your own good.

Fran: My ass!

Vaan: Is fine!

Fran: (Glares at Vaan.) You're really asking for it, huh?

Vaan: Yes!

Ashe, Penelo, Larsa, Noah, Balthier and Vossler: (Stares at Vaan in disbelief.)

Vaan: Oh, wait a minute.

Fran: WAAAAAAAAAAAALEEEEEEEWATTAH! (Proceeds to do a number of beatings on Vaan.)

Penelo: Fran, be careful!

Balthier: Aren't you supposed to be rooting for Vaan?

Penelo: Oh, no. Vaan is indestructable, despite the fact he gets numerous beatings for his ineptitude.

Larsa: I have an idea!

Ashe: Okay, shorty. What is it?

Larsa: We can use Fran to go against all of those things that were chasing us earlier!

Vossler: What if she dies?

Balthier: Yeah, what IF she dies, you idiot.

Fran: WOO-TAH! (Axe kicks Vaan.)

Vaan: My spleen! (Holding his nasal cavity.)

Larsa: At her current state, I doubt she would die. She could probably eliminate those monsters Matrix style.

Neo: ... There... is... no... spoon.

Penelo: What was chasing you three anyway?

Vossler, Noah and Larsa: Espers.

Ashe, Penelo and Balthier: Oooohhh. Oh. OH! Oh. Ooooooohhhhh! Good idea.

Outside of Fran's room.

Genie: Make way, for Prince Ali!

Basch: (Wearing a pink tutu.) Prince Ali, mighty is he! Ali Ababwaaa!

Hashmal the Bringer of Order: That's right, boy. (Whips Basch who seems to dodge the whip lashing unknowingly.)

Basch: Where do you go!? My lovely!

Ultima the High-Seraph: (Bites her lower lip.) So brave.

Shemhazi the Whisperer: And dreamy. (Sighs.)

Basch: This way, gang! (Points over to Fran's room.)

Penelo, Vaan, Balthier, Noah, Vossler, Ashe and Larsa meet Basch walking up to her room. They were all dressed up in black leather complete with sunglasses. Right behind them was Fran tied with chains. She started running towards Belias the Gigas but was held back by the group.

Balthier: Down, girl!

Basch: Hi, guys! I bet you can't guess what I'm wearing!

Noah: Let me guess. It's not a pink tutu. You imbecile, you've brought the Espers here!

Basch: Say what? (Turns around.) Oh, shizzaps.

Zodiark the Keeper of Percepts: It is time for you, Fran Bunansa the Chosen One, to die!

Balthier: Wait, why is she the Chosen One?

Ashe: Because she has rabbit ears?

Penelo: Because she knows many Black Magicks?

Vaan: Because she can take major dookies and they end up being Optimus Prime and Ultra Magnus?

Everyone but Basch slowly turn at Vaan because of what he said.

Vaan: One time. I had lizard poop.

Basch: Sweet, me too.

Ashe: Praise to Allah, how did we end up with two miraculously incompetent morons?

Famfrit the Darkening Cloud: (Whispers to Zalera the Death-Seraph.) I think we should just let them kill each other.

Zodiark: You fools! Fran carries the key to destroying Hume kind! Her son will end up as the arduous dictator known as Badonkadonk Bunansa and force all to watch Robot Chicken!

Balthier: So?

Zodiark: What do you mean, so? Robot Chicken sucks!

Penelo: Now, now. Robot Chicken does not suck. It's quite a funny television program.

Ashe: I bet you stupid Espers watch Ricki Lake.

Zeromus the Condemner: Hell no! You're talking about Chaos!

Chaos the Walker of the Wheel: (Meditating on his pedestal.) Just because I don't wear women's panties when I go clubbing, doesn't mean I watch talk shows.

Zodiark: Is no one listening to me!

Basch: I am. (Picking his nose.)

Zodiark: Let me rephrase. Is no one of importance listening to me?!

Fran: It's a girl.

Everyone, including the Espers, turn their attentions to Fran. While they were bickering amongst themselves, Fran silently gave birth to a baby girl. She was leaning against the wall, cradling the infant in her arms. Fortunately, despite having Viera ears, she didn't seem disturbed with the commotion.

Balthier: Sweet Jesus, mother of Ghandi!

Vaan: I'm going to faint! (Faints.)

Penelo: Wow, Fran! She's so cute!

Ashe: (In tears.) So adorable! How did you give birth without making any sounds?

Fran: We Viera are a mysterious race.

Noah: You know. This turned out to be great after all.

Larsa: Such a beautiful epilogue. (Wipes away a tear.)

Vossler: Oh, man. Good luck, Balthier.

Balthier: Eh?

Fran: You're going to be changing her.

Balthier: Wait, why me?

Fran: You knocked me up.

Zodiark: Well, it's a girl. I guess we do watch too much Oprah. So much for an apocalyptic prophecy. (Leaves with the other Espers.)

Penelo: Can I hold her?

Fran: Okay. (Hands Penelo the baby.)

Penelo: Kawaii!

Ashe: Sugoi!

Vaan: Oishii!

Everyone stares in disbelief at Vaan.

Basch: Cannibal! En guarde! (Withdraws the Green Power Ranger's daggerflute.)

Penelo: What are you going to name her, Fran?

Fran: ...

Fran: (Looks at Balthier.)

Balthier: What?

Ashe: Name her!

Larsa: Yeah, name her!

Vossler and Noah: Name her, name her, name her!

Balthier: I'll think of something, shut up!

Penelo: (Notices the baby begins to cry because Balthier raises his voice.) Balthier!

Fran: Balthier Demen Bunansa!

Balthier: What about... Rambo?

Noah: What are you, stupid?

Balthier: Medusa?

Fran: What are you implying? That my baby is ugly?!

Balthier: Fine. I surrender.

Noob Saibot: Aha! I have found you, Basch fon Ronsenburg of Dalmasca!

Basch: You won't get away with this, you Noob!

Noob Saibot: Round One! Fight! Iboughtacar! (Lunges at Basch.)

Basch lunging back at Noob Saibot: Lookatmefly!

Ashe: What...

Vaan: I don't understand! This world doesn't make sense now! WhatamIgoingtodo?

Penelo: Who's a little cutie? Yes you are! Yes you are! YES YOU ARE! (Baby pukes on Penelo.)

Fran: She likes you.

Ashe: If she craps on you, Penelo, she likes you. Likes you a lot.

Balthier: I have it! Nabongshit Igus Taclacubong.

Noob Saibot holds his eye: Icannotsee!

Basch: Oh, how irony be a cruel mistress upon my foe.

Larsa: Wow. That is the smartest thing you've said all fanfiction.

Noob Saibot: Vengeance! (Throws the Scorpion Tail at Basch.)

Drace, Zargabaath, Bergan and Emperor Gramis: (Jumps in front of Basch.) Nooooooooooooo!

All of the Judge Magisters get impaled by the Scorpion Tail and fall to the ground. Their bodies explode upon impact, and Drace's head lands in front of Basch's feet.

Drace: I have saved you... my love.

Basch: Why, Drace?! Why!?

Bergan: Thank you, Gods. I no longer have to deal another second with an idiot leader.

Zargabaath: You know, you guys suck. Why did you have to attach a magnet to her armour?

Emperor Gramis: Larsa's gay. (Dies.)

Larsa: Yes, well, that explains a lot from a man who got killed from an Estrogen overdose.

Vayne suddenly joins the group.

Vayne: What? Who said I was the one who poisoned him with Estrogen?

Larsa: You did.

Vayne: That's right.

Balthier: I give up. What's a good name?

Noob Saibot: For what?

Balthier: Our daughter.

Noob Saibot: Oh. Just give her some fancy name. Like Lightning.

Fran: Lightning?...

Balthier: Yeah, that sounds too stupi--

Fran: I like it! Lightning it is! (Hugs the baby.)

Balthier: Lightning Bunansa. Not a bad name.

Noob Saibot: Well, no use for me sticking around. Hop on, Vayne! (Climbs on his Noob-Smoke motorcycle.)

Vayne: Adios! Where are we going?

Noob Saibot: To Hell with Richard Simmons.

Vayne: NO! LET ME OUT!

As our brave wraith and oppressionist depart, and the group relaxes by the child named Lightning, Balthier and Fran sit close to each other. Fran lays her head on Balthier's shoulders. Balthier looks into her baby girl's eyes and she seems to be happy to recognize her father's face. She gives out a baby's giggle and grabs hold of her father's thumb.

Audience: Awww.

Vaan: It's so beautiful! And so big!

Fran: ...

Ashe: When will you ever learn to shut your mouth?

Vaan: What? You have to admit that comet heading our way is so beautiful and so big!

Larsa: Comet? Oh.

Vossler: Ah, fuck, man. And I thought we can finally end this adventure. (Draws out his sword.)

Noah: Hey, you know what's funny?

Balthier pulls out his Fomalhaut: What?

Noah: The fact that we never seem to die.

Basch: This is the end! (Tries to unsheathe the Excalibur but the scabbard breaks the belt, making his pants fall.)

Basch: For Dalmasca and Lebanon!

Fran: There, there, little one. Mommy's here. That comet won't touch you. (Lulls Lightning to sleep.)

Ashe: Such a precious girl.

Penelo: I wonder who she's going to be more like. You, or Balthier.

Vossler: I hope you all realize that while in five minutes, we're going to be obliterated from the comet descending on us while you're playing with the child.

Larsa: Live a little. It's not everyday you see Balthier going to be Fran's bitch for the next few months.

Basch: To battle! (Runs up to the comet.)

Balthier: Fran, lovely. Would you mind going inside?

Penelo: Balthier, we are inside.

Fran: I think he means the Strahl.

Ashe: Shotgun!

Vaan: Shotgun!

Vaan: Awww.

Fran: Up we go. Oooohhh, she's making bubbles already.

The girls and Vaan make their exit from the hospital without checking out and enter the Strahl. That's it. They just entered the Strahl with no more instructions because Balthier didn't tell them to leave the place. The men on the other hand go off to fight the comet for unknown reasons. Basch was the last one to reach his destination because he still hasn't learned to tie his shoes because Heaven forbid they let the legendary Captain of Dalmasca be trusted with shoelaces. During the fight, the theme song from the Lord of the Rings play and everything is barely audible. This also includes incredible slow motion, courtesy of Mewtwo.

Fran finally gave birth, but has the story ended? Will the men survive against the comet? Why are they fighting a comet anyway instead of using a Dreadnought to take it out? It's up to YOU to decide their fate.

AN: Yo'. Sorry for the hold-up, and for anybody who has this story on an alert. I finally defrosted myself and now I'm on a thirty day leave, so more or less I will be continuing this since Basch still didn't learn to tie his shoes. If anyone is wondering about the baby's name, a few of the Marines I hung out with suggested the name from another saga. Strange, I know. Still open for suggestions. Anyway, I'll try to finish this as soon as I can, and I'll try to be more humorous. But until then, stay tuned on...

EVERYBODY LOVES BALTHIER!