A/N: I think this is the fastest I have ever updated before. The creative juices must be flowing. Enjoy the fruits of my labor and please review for me. A BIG thank you to everyone who put me on alerts and favorites. I feel so special! Enjoy your new chapter!

Chapter 8: Testosterone and Toasts

"Amos, I didn't think you would be joining us this early." He raised an eyebrow at Lily. "Oh, uh, not, um, that is to say, not that I'm unhappy about you joining us. Sorry, please sit down."

Lily sat back down in her chair as Amos sat in one next to her, across from James. The boys stared at one another as Rosmerta, being the observant girl she was, arrived with their drinks and an additional bottle for Amos. As she left, she gave Lily a knowing pat on the shoulder. Lily rolled her eyes and smiled back at her older school friends. Amos was smirking as he leaned over he butterbeer and stared right back at James, who was doing his best not to blink and look menacing at the same time.

"So glad you could join us, Amos," James said with mock sincerity.

"Well, I figured Lily could use a rescue from your presence as soon as possible. I saw you two come in here unaccompanied and figured I should join just a bit earlier since you two didn't have a chaperone to act as referee."

"Actually, they were getting along quite well, Amos," quipped Rosmerta as she passed the table with another order of drinks for a rowdy, smiling table of students across the room.

"Thank you, Rosmerta," James called after her. She turned her head as she put the emptied the drinks tray and winked at him.

"Well, uh, how have classes been so far for everyone? Mine are going quite well. I'm really enjoying my---"

"You know, James, she really isn't your type. I didn't think attractive and intelligence were what you looked for in a girl." Amos leaned back in his chair.

"Yes, Lily is both those things, Amos. I am so glad you have noticed attributes in her that the rest of the student body noticed the first time they laid eyes on her. So glad you managed to catch up with us finally. Your mother will be so proud you've matured so quickly. I expect she thought it would take much longer than this."

Amos' eyes flashed. "Don't you talk about my mother, James. You say one more word and I will deck you, I swear it."

"Such odd weather we're having, don't you think, boys? So little rain lately." Lily's voice was high and shrill as she tried to diffuse the situation. They ignored her.

"Really? Would you now?" James leaned back in his chair, tilting it backwards onto two legs.

"James, don't you bait him. Honestly, let's just enjoy our drinks, shall we?"

"Shut it, Lily. Right now this really has nothing to do with you."

"Oh it doesn't? Really? Then tell me what it is about, Amos, because if it's not about her I'd really like to know what's gotten you so hot under the collar." James took a swig of his butterbeer and places it oh so carefully on the table.

"It's about you insulting my mother, Potter," he spat back.

"Oh, is it really? I haven't said anything about your mother except that she'd be proud of you finally reaching maturity. I could have said, for example, that she probably dropped you on your head as a baby. That would explain all of the problems you have."

"James…" Lily warned.

"Or I could have mentioned that you probably take after her, I mean, with the mustache and all. You father doesn't wear the pants in the family, does he? Because you don't strike me as having had a real, strong father figure in your life. You're much too soft and feminine for that."

"One more word, Potter, and I swear," said Amos through gritted teeth.

"One more word and you'll what? I really want to know. Glad to know we're migrated from using my real name. Is that just you trying to be scary and menacing in front of Lily, or have you truly forgotten what my real name is? I understand being dropped on your head tends to affect the memory. Admit it, Amos, you just can't stand competition for a girl you've got your eye on, can you? Can't take the pressure, right? Well, you know what they say: If you can't take the heat, then get out of the kitchen."

Amos shoved the table over onto James, who rolled sideways out of his chair and sprung to his feet. Lily sat wide-eyed in her chair, staring at the upturned table. Across the room, behind the bar, Rosmerta's father groaned out an exasperated, "O' fer feck's sake, before reaching under the bar for his wand. Rosmerta rushed forward and pulled Lily, chair and all, out of the line of fire. Now, one would think that being wizards and having wands in their possession, these two young men would have used them. However, instead of taking such an obvious course, they fell on one another, trying to inflict bodily harm all by themselves. Fists flying, students and adults patrons alike trying to get out of the way without getting involved, the boys tumbled too the floor. The bartender shot a stunning spell into their brawl and missed as they rolled away. They managed to stand for a moment before James sent Amos back to the floor with a nice fist to the gut, but he didn't stay down for long. It took only a moment, but in the blink of an eye, he sent James flying over a table towards the door. James took out the whole table, drinks, chairs, and a middle aged male wizard who wasn't quick enough to get out of the way.

It was at this moment that Lily got angry. Brushing Rosmerta off, she raised her wand, sighted down her arm, and pointed the wand as Amos lunged over the fallen table to land on James, who rolled out of the way into a chair. The two sprang up and entangled themselves again. She yelled an incantation and the two boys were forced backwards out the door as a loud bang sounded. Lily, eyes flashing, hair flowing out behind her, followed them out through the broken door, kicking fallen objects out of her way as she went. The crowd inside the bar followed, naturally. Outside on the street, the boys lay in a head, groaning. Their friends stood, looking shocked, near the door, having been about to enter the pub. The two boys began to stand up.

"Sit!" Lily yelled. They ignored her. "I said, sit!" She pointed her wand and they sat forcefully back down. "I will not put up with this. For God's sake, grow up, both of you. Do you think that any girl would ever be interested in the pair of you? You make a terribly sad picture, you two dimwits. Here's an idea, why don't you tone down the testosterone and stop thinking with your penises. Honestly, I know you have brains, but have either of you used them today? Oh, no, of course not. You two had to get into a 'whose is bigger' fight and start making a huge, destructive scene in the middle of the village. What's the matter with you two, honestly? I've known rats with more sense than the two of you. Do you think girls like having immature little boys who can't figure out how to woo a woman? Do you? Get a grip. If you want me, while fighting is flattering in its idea form, is stupid and destructive and quite frankly, you're both just pissing me off. Now, come off it, both of you, because if you don't, I will beat the mother living crap out of both of you. And you've made me cuss! I can't believe you've brought me down to your level of speech. I give up. I am leaving. Now, you will apologize to Rosmerta and her father, clean up the mess you've made of this place, and then you will come find me and apologize for acting like total gits. Next time you want to fight over a girl, think first and let her choose. Here's an idea, why don't you try for a little bit of romance instead of bruising and bloodying each other up. Thank you very much for ruining what was becoming an absolutely lovely day. Really, thanks." She turned to heir friends and the assembled crowd. "Kelly, Shannon, we've leaving these idiots to their own devices. And you," she pointed to the other marauders, "can stay and help them clean up since you could all probably use the same lesson before you mess up too."

Lily stomped off down the street leaving the boys all looking at one another. Amos and James looked at one another, shook hand, mumbled apologies, and went inside to help Rosmerta's father with the aftermath.

&&&&

"Lily, put the wand down," said Shannon, carefully prying it out of Lily's fingers.

They maneuvered her to Madam Puddifoot's, a small teashop, to calm down. A pot of good, strong tea was set out in a silver pot in the middle of the table, cups and saucers in a delicate, pink flower pattern all appeared on their table in a few brisk moments by a plump, motherly, middle-aged woman. Kelly poured the tea as Alice, another Gryffindor girl of their age, popped in and pulled up a chair.

"Alice? I thought you weren't coming back to school until Christmas?" asked Shannon.

"Well, that was the plan after my sister died in that, um, incident. You know, it's hell out there what with all the dark magic going on. But, my parents decided I would be safer here than anywhere else at the moment, so I put my things up at the castle and came down to the village to find you guys; I'm so glad they did. I got here just in time to witness Lily Evans giving a bunch of boys just what they deserved." Alice smiled.

The teacups were filled. "A toast: to Lily, the tamer of all stupid men." The cups made a lovely clinking sound as they toasted her success. Lily finally took a deep breath and smiled. It wasn't such a bad day, if she thought about it. After all, she had the rest of the day to make up for it.

A/N: Please, please review for me. I, and all the other writers out there, really appreciate comments. Thank you for reading! I will post again soon. 